Tears kept falling, streaking invisible lines as he ran. He stopped trying to wipe them away when his sleeve came upon an open wound from a tree branch. Salt mixed with cuts and stung, but he welcomed physical pain over emotional. The agony of his heart made him angry, defeated, confused, and curious for answers.
It hurt worse to think that everything was a lie. He saved his heart for the right person and now didn't know if the love was his. If it was just a joke, maybe there never was a Kalie...Kagome just did all this for the right buttons to push.
He never felt more betrayed than now. Embarrassment, shame, unease, anguish, and anger...LOTS of anger. It welled up and burned like an inferno, spreading so fast it was a plague. She was a bitch – an uncouth, sneaky, cunning little vixen that had him more than fooled. He was devoted and would've done anything if she asked.
'Not this. Not now – not EVER.'
He never wanted to see her again. He wasn't about to live in his unconscious, the place the other was, until his body failed...just because she didn't want HIM. He would drive her away and focus on his family, those that loved him for himself.
Except he didn't trust himself around them. He had nowhere to go, but couldn't let them slap him into therapy. That would fix nothing. He wasn't going to live his life in isolation and labeled a fruitcake.
He hated them both and would NEVER forgive them! He would get rid of the specter and be free. Ancient love didn't interest him and any compassion built up from last night evaporated like smoke.
He suddenly exited the forest and found a highway out of the city in front of him. He panted and stared, allowing passing cars to bring his thoughts to logic. A few things came to mind.
He couldn't stay home until this issue was resolved. He had nothing but the clothes on his back. Everyone knew him here.
Though it was HIGHLY risky, he needed to sneak home. It was time to drain his stash. He didn't care who thought what of his attire right now. He needed his skateboard and to get out of the city. He didn't want to be bothered with anyone until everything in his mind was clear. He felt mistrust with everyone and wariness to his family. Staying would only hurt and he wouldn't lash out with false words.
Brown looked back into his trail. He would save time by cutting through, but didn't want to pass Kalie now. As pissed as he was, he might stay and listen. He still loved her. He was disgusted at this and angrier for knowing it was true.
He checked the sun, trying to judge the time. He needed to get past the forest before night, but couldn't let anyone be up at home. He knew the city well – getting lost wasn't that big an issue. He would have to do what was necessary. If he let go of his anger, the only thing giving him strength, he may as well give up.
His head harshly shook. No! He wouldn't think that way. Kalie may've been important, but she wasn't the only thing in his life.
Turning, he headed back, angling enough to steer far away. Stealth wasn't his style, but he felt it creep up – a characteristic of the hanyou – and took hold. He used it with perverse glee, an inane thought that the hanyou would never shy away from the girl like this.
He used it all the way home, mildly paranoid someone from open windows or backyard could see him. It helped waste some time and now was the tail end of sunset. Streetlamps were on and lit his way. He hid against the concrete fence, eyeing the front.
The main thing was to sneak through his bedroom window and exit the same. Nobody could be in the family room or outside. Jayden couldn't be sworn to secrecy. Timing was imperative.
He jogged over, ducked low with eyes on all windows, and hugged the edge of the house under his window. He was relieved this once to have his hair so long and wild, as it covered some of the red. He spared a glance to shoji, adrenaline running. Depending on the time, Jayden could be asleep or puttering around inside. She would know someone was trying to get in – assuming him, he knew – and alert the others...unless she thought he was a burglar and tried to take him down herself.
His heart gave a sudden clench as he moved to enter. He could sneak inside and beg for forgiveness right now. He longed to see his family, to have Jayden yell, and see the worried looks of the women. He could try to explain what was going on and ask if anyone had a solution.
He inched the frame far enough to hoist himself in and nearly fell back out. Facing the wall, covers to neck, was Jayden. He landed on his futon and watched for any indication of being caught. Loneliness and isolation forced him off the bed and inches from Jayden's. He trembled, heart aching and a hand extending.
He missed the home he grew up in and everything residing in these walls. He wanted his life back so badly...
Tears stung his eyes and the hand moved to keep them from falling.
No...he couldn't share this hell with them. He would fix it himself and return to who he was. They didn't need to go through more than yesterday. He couldn't be trusted for what he said and did if the other was in control. If he lost his family's trust, he might as well hand his life over.
He turned and made for the desk, quickly digging and grabbing a box. He took every dollar and stuffed it in his sleeves.
He turned and startled at finding the door open. He listened, seeing total darkness. He needed to leave and grab his board. He could take the car, but who knew how long he'd be gone. Leaving that far wasn't necessary, just enough to where no one knew him.
He tiptoed to the doorway, head peeking out. Wary brown checked the hall and doors. All were dark, whether open or closed. He kept eyes ricocheting to every room as he tiptoed to the stairs, missing all the creaky spots.
He eyed the kitchen and a sudden pulse came. He couldn't identify it, but the feel was extremely familiar. It drew him with a need, a notion to hold and take comfort in its sense of strength. He took a step down, mind no the kitchen instead of leaving, when the tiniest of lights and voices made him jerked back against the wall.
"Please come to bed...it's too cold and late. You can't be out in this weather."
Curiosity peeked and brown inched around the corner. A single, wide candle flickered in the barest of breezes, but valiantly stayed lit. It poorly illuminated the back engawa and other than the voices, the only way he could see anyone was by constantly moving shadows.
"Is that fair of you to say? He's out there somewhere in this same weather. I can't help but worry."
His heart clenched and he fought to remain standing. Guilt came hard and his check constricted. A hand rubbed the area as if to soothe it.
"But staying up this way isn't right. Otousan is driving around with Kristine now. It's a small city – SOMEONE has to notice."
"He's too conflicted right now. You didn't see his eyes earlier. Something is going on in his mind.
Hisobosan always WAS sharp.
"If musuko had problems, he would tell us. He doesn't hold things from us. His speech was off a little, I admit, but he changed a lot in his life."
"Regardless, I will come in soon."
"Please don't. Tanum...come inside where it's warm."
"Himagomusuko is out there in this. I feel close to him out here. Like he's back home."
He blinked back tears, apologies on his tongue. He crept down the stairs and gripped the banister to keep from running to them.
You fucking asshole!!
Being so preoccupied, he gasped and jumped up. Broken from the trance and reminded of why he was here, he hopped off the steps in a panic.
'Go away! Go back to where I sent you!'
I'll fucking make your life hell! How dare you do that to me when I found Kagome! You think I'll stop now that I know she's awake??
He panted and jerked the closet door open. It was back and he had to hurry. He couldn't stay here now that he would never get a break. His mind would tear even more and pain his family to see.
Voices drifted to his ears, alarmed and getting louder rapidly. A hand grabbed his board and whirled for the door. He fumbled for the locks before throwing the inside against the wall. Without thinking, having done so many times before, he snatched keys off the hook.
"Inaki – wait!!"
"Matte kudasai!"
He couldn't think of the safety they gave, instead the fear of what the other would say to get back at him. He never bothered an answer and nearly broke mosquito netting before vaulting off the porch. Cold concrete met his feet, but he ignored it and headed for an exit out of the city.
Their voices followed him, echoing in his head even as they faded from his ears. The sheer emotion twisted his heart. He felt shame and anger, and directed it inward. 'I'm going to have you dispelled from my body so I don't have to stand you anymore!'
Just try it! You'll pull yourself with me. We're parts of one whole. The shikon can answer why we split like this. You need to go back for it.
'No way! Kiss my ass and burn in hell! If you think I'll do as you ask, you're crazy.'
LISTEN to me! Midoriko didn't get bored and try to fuck with everything for kicks – something about the wish triggered this!
'YOU made it, not me. I don't give a rat's ass about some wish hundreds of years ago. Figure it out and go back to the darkness.' He ignored the demon's threats and angry ramblings to force it into the unknown of his mind.
The strain of it zapped some energy and his legs felt weak. That and the dash made his knees give out. He cried out as the ground rose to meet him. There was barely enough time to let go of his board before it helped break his arm. Arms quickly shifted over his chest, shoulder stiffening at the change in angle, and rolled with the impact. Teeth grit as he finally stopped, head aching at the uncomfortable position of his hair.
He lay there for a few minutes, trying to get his breath back, when a familiar hum and lights came onto the street. It started his way and he rolled over, ignoring the pain, and grabbed his ride before it was crushed. He dove out of the way mere seconds before the car swept by, rolling again with the board clutched to his chest.
'This is not my fucking night...' Tires squealed a little before a door opened. He didn't have the worry or energy to care who that was. Right now, he needed a hot bath to soak this gone.
"Oh god I didn't see you...INAKI??" Brown snapped open and stared at grass. That voice was damn familiar. He dug around the recesses of his memory, avidly listening to footsteps. "Man, are you hurt? Is anything broken? Your forehead has blood on it – let me take you to the hospital and have them look you over."
NOW he knew who it was. Man, she still rambled a lot too. "It's nothing Carrie." He batted away hands and forced himself to sit up. "I'm not dead."
"Don't joke like that! How can you say that to me?? What about 'gee it's been a while, how are you'??"
He resisted looking annoyed. "Forgive me if I'm not up to conversation."
Hands moved again, feeling for lumps in their insistence. "Gosh this is all my fault! You're right, where is my head? I'm really sorry about this. What's with the get-up?"
He begrudgingly accepted her help to stand. Nostalgia of his past hit and made him feel a little more accepting toward one of his exes. "What? Can't I wear traditional clothes for no reason?"
"No need to get hostile about it. I remember the holiday celebrations we went to together...and I still remember where you live if you want me to take you home."
He jerked from her grasp when they turned to the car. "I don't need a ride, thanks." He moved the board upright and hopped on. He didn't want her involved, and her questions and suggestions were getting annoying. "No hard feelings."
Carrie stood in shock. "Are you kidding?? You're going to leave it like that? I have to do something to make it up to you!"
A hand stuck between them in denial. "Don't worry...consider us even."
"You think... That's not funny!"
He cracked a humorless smile. "Maybe not. But it's a tad odd to see you again. Don't you think?"
Hand rubbed arm in discomfort. "Yea...kinda."
He got off the board and stopped in front, hands lightly resting on tiny shoulders. "Hey now...no hard feelings." He got the girl's attention and a small smile. He leaned forward and gave a brotherly kiss on the forehead. "I hope you've forgiven me for what happened in the past."
Carried leaned forward with a hug and quiet sigh. "I did not long after you broke it off. It IS nice to see you again..."
He allowed her to hold him until whispers of the dreaded conscious started peeking through. He quickly disassociated himself and ran for the board. "I have to go!"
"Inaki??"
"Sorry about this!" He sped off, ignoring her cries. Fear of being called crazy and adrenaline fueled his legs to speed. "I can't be around ANYONE..." He groused, arching to round a corner. He glared at the black, hands clenching.
'You're a bastard! You're out to ruin me!'
I could say the same for you! I've had enough of you – you're not going to keep me from Kagome!
'We're already far enough away and I bet by now that onna is back to her own city.' There was a sudden backward jerk of his spine that off-balanced him. He fell with a painful cry and the board shot from his feet, rolling a short ways before hitting the grass of outlining forest.
Blackness was everywhere and he tensed for a fight. 'I won't let you win!'
The hanyou appeared in front, offenses non-existent. A serious, frustrated look pierced him and he couldn't look away. You're not getting away this time. I've tried to be patient with you and I'm done. You're going to find out exactly what happened...and then you're going back for the tama.
His head shook almost frantically. 'N...NO! No, I won't watch!' He turned to run – as if there was a place to hide - but didn't even get a step. Clawed hands twisted arms behind his back in a painful position.
You'll watch...or I'll break your arms. They might not break for real, but you'll feel it later. Inuyasha hissed.
'N – no, I can't! Don't make me!'
What're YOU so afraid of? They're MY memories.
He knew the truth would be shown and he wanted to remain ignorant. He didn't want to be part of this...THING. His life was too precious and he didn't want to give it up.
Despite closing his eyes to hide from it, this was mind not body. A flash of light came and blinded him.
The second her lips slackened and fell away the barest of degrees, he knew she was gone. Every part of his heart didn't want to believe it and he pressed harder, even as her heart stopped in his ears and her breath failed to touch his skin.
Panic appeared in leaps and his heart sped up. Gold widened as he stared at dull brown from barely open eyes.
He always thought her eyes were the best part, as they showed so much. Not even getting so many peeks at her body could match the intensity and depth conveyed in those pools. Now they were forever closed to him, hidden behind a canopy he could never pass.
Realization hit, even as his grip tightened. "K...Kagome..." He whispered, eyes bearing most of his agony. He shook her slightly when she remained unresponsive, weight slack. The mass he carried without problem, feeling as if she were a mere stick he could haul around. He carried a hundred times her size and still didn't strain himself that much. What he wouldn't give to carry her on his back again...if only those innocent eyes would open and she would smile at him... He would give his ears to have her look at him now... "Kagome...onegai..."
"Inuyasha..."
A hand reached into his sight and he clutched the body to him fiercely, enveloping her form in his sleeves and growling. Fangs glinted off sunlight, though these were his friends and he normally trusted them with his life.
"We won't do anything to Kagome-sama, Inuyasha. I was just going to close her eyes for her."
"Touch her and I remove the offending hand!"
"Then, please do so for Kagome-chan Inuyasha, if you won't let any of us near her."
He looked at both, seeing grief and suffering littered over their faces and looked back to the peaceful face resting over the crook of his arm. He wanted to shake her and tell her to stop worrying him, but would be fruitless to do so.
Tears suddenly stung his eyes and he blinked, partially shocked. He couldn't show pain to the others, even if they probably saw it when he looked up. They were always so adept at reading him when it came to Kagome.
Teeth clenched as he tried to breathe, finding it extremely shaky. He needed air, having held his breath since she asked for that kiss, but couldn't risk them hearing. He didn't want to be weak in front of his comrades, but common sense said to hell with that. Kagome taught him it was okay in times of sadness...now she was teaching him in a whole new way.
His eyes squeezed shut as tears gathered on his lashes. Arms shook the barest of degrees, head dipping into her neck to futilely hide his agony. He never showed such pain to anyone before and it was strange to do so, even if the love of his life was taken from him.
A pain fiercer than any time he was badly hurt pierced his chest, worse than when Sesshoumaru had.
Close her eyes...he should – it was only respectful. Kagome earned more than his respect and he was obliged to. But to do so was a slap in the face. To close the eyes of a dead person to keep them from viewing a world they no longer lived in... He couldn't do it. He didn't want to show himself she was gone. He wanted this to be some sick dream of Naraku's.
He'd take mind games over the stark truth right now.
The breath left his chest in a rush as if he were kicked in the gut. Stark truth came when he noticed staleness of her scent, as if it died with her life force unable to sustain it.
The proof she really WAS gone...
Hands clutched at her, holding so tightly to his chest, he feared to break her bones and end up hurting her somewhere past death. But he couldn't hurt her anymore and that brought another stab of anguish.
"K - Kagome...please...don't do this to me. Open your eyes...stop toying with me. You said...you would be with me, didn't you?"
-----
"May I be with you?"
"You'll...be here for me?"
"Yes..."
-----
Her words rang in his ears, soft and timid, but so bold in her request. Kagome knew what she was risking by asking that, but she did it anyway. He knew what he was risking by accepting...and now was paying the price of a possible consequence that turned out to be true.
Ever so slowly, he pulled away and rested her on the ground, as if an infant. He stared at the lack of expression, the paleness of her face that reminded him of Kikyou...yet she looked even more beautiful than Kikyou would ever be.
A shaking hand inched out and hovered over her eyes. Every part was screaming not to do this, but the fact that he didn't feel breath against his palm was a painful reminder of purposeful ignorance.
As much as he wanted to overlook this, he couldn't.
Her skin was so smooth and the few times he managed to touch her, he felt wrong. His hands were too calloused from holding his sword, from many years of wear. The few times he saw her naked made him wonder if she was as soft as she looked.
He felt unworthy to be assigned the privilege of her love, and did everything in his power to try and be so. He always fell short in his mind, even if she never showed indication he was below her.
Lashes barely tickled his skin as he finished the job. He pulled away and stared at his hand, wondering if he should claw it for such offense. His heart was angry, irritated that he allowed himself to do such a thing. It was only right he be the one to close Kagome's eyes, but it was the hardest thing he had to do.
Even harder than losing Kikyou today.
Losing Kagome like this, to pain and sorrow, was harder than anything he went through with Kikyou. He never felt this way toward any human, not even the emotion with Kikyou was this deep. He didn't even love ofukuro this much!
"Inuyasha...we should bring Kagome-sama back to the village and get her...cleaned up for burial. I only speculate, but her family will want her body returned to them."
To wrap this girl in an all white kimono and place her in the ground, a granite marker the only thing showing she was there, disgusted him. Such a vibrant person to be forced inside such plain clothing and under dirt made him angry. She was too alive to be put under the ground for all eternity! Kagome outshone them all, and now she burnt out too soon.
Rage came to him, fury at no fixated topic. He hurt, he was bleeding internally, and the only person who could fix this couldn't.
A fierce snarl left his lips, making everyone jump and eye him as a hand came out and Sankon Tetsusou tore furrows out of the battlefield. He jumped up, head throwing back in an animalistic cry that echoed in the air and hurt his ears.
He cried until there was no air to do so and his lungs hurt. The will and strength to stand left and he slumped to the ground near her body, eyes absently staring at empty hands in his lap.
Useless...he couldn't even protect the ones he loved. They all died on him...even the reincarnations...
Nails broke skin when fists clenched. He morbidly watched blood trickle out from palms, knowing they'd heal soon. They always did. "Kagome..."
"Inuyasha...we should be getting back."
An ear twitched to them, even if he wasn't really listening. As if in slow motion, Miroku and Sango stood and adjusted their clothing, awkwardness at what to do milling around them. He watched from the corner of an eye, idly taking in the frayed edges of Miroku's robes.
"Inuyasha...we need to take Kagome-sama with us." A hand dared touch his shoulder, lightly resting and giving a small measure of comfort with the tiny squeeze accompanying it.
That did it.
He jumped up and flung an arm out to dislodge Miroku's hand. He glared at his friends, though they weren't at fault in any way, and pointed a finger at them. "You'll just throw her in the ground that easily, huh?! Fuck you two!!"
Miroku stared for a second, dark eyes turning serious and borderlining wrath. "I can understand your pain and anger Inuyasha, but you have no need to take it out on us. We all hurt over Kagome-sama's death, but we should give her the proper burial she deserves."
"DESERVES?! Kagome doesn't deserve this!"
"Don't you think we know that?!" Sango cried out. Her admission caused tears to trail the old paths made from Kohaku's demise. "Kagome-chan was – IS – my best friend and I've never felt such pain, even over Kohaku! I lost my ototo and only friend today. You think I want to see her go like this any more than you do??"
A hand went over armored shoulder pad, gaining the remaining taiji-ya's attention. "Sango, you shouldn't take your anger out on Inuyasha either. We should do what needs to be done right now and deal with this later."
"Stop playing monk you fucking lech!"
Dark eyes snapped an intense glare to gold, forgetting his own advice. "Someone has to have the cool head here you baka! You think because my face hides my emotions I don't feel?! I looked up to Kagome-sama and saw her as a little sister – part of the family I never got to have! I'm not as happy about this turn of events as any of you are, but we would be highly disrespectful to stand here arguing over her body like children! Do you want to be so shameful to her like that?? Do you want to leave Kagome-sama like this and let her look like the slain samurai who get left to rot on the battlefield?!"
He growled, claws digging in tighter. The mere thought of Kagome's body decaying in small pieces, the crows going for her eyes and tongue, made him want to retch.
He was helpless on what to do. Every part of him was screaming this was wrong, but no way did he want to see Kagome's body turn out like that. Such a perfect creation of curves and shape given the same fate as any ronin samurai...he wanted to hurt Miroku for suggesting it.
At length, he looked down and harshly swallowed as he took in her face again. "Her family will – will want –"
He couldn't even say it.
"The least we can do for Kagome-chan's family is make her look presentable. You'll have to bring her back though. Can you do that?"
"Keh! Don't think I'll let Kagome remain back here where she could get dug up like Kikyou did!"
'Or worshipped. Kagome didn't like being put on the level the villagers put Kikyou on.'
He didn't want the others to carry her, an inane thought that Miroku might cop a feel, but he couldn't bring himself to touch her. Even in death she was beautiful and he couldn't stop looking at her. It was a need he had, yet pushed awareness onto him. He could no longer ignore this, no matter how much he wanted to.
Before he could think, legs sprang to action, vaulting him in the air and away from the scene, away from his friends' surprised cries. He ignored their insistence that he come back and ran full speed, pouring out everything to exhaust himself.
He didn't want to feel this! Just when the barest traces of happiness crept back, they were cruelly snatched away by fate. He didn't want to accept it, and so ran to hide from it all.
-----
Trees proved a useful source of an outlet for his grief. His claws made short work of one after another, chopping off limbs wider than his body. He relished in the sound his claws made as they splintered wood and the crashing each broken chunk created on its way to the ground.
He glared at the channel of his emotions, as if these poor things were the cause. Everything he felt went into each strike, trying to tire himself into a place of unconscious where he didn't have to deal with this.
Night came by the time he was too useless to slash and he slumped over a branch, not caring if he fell. Breath heaved in his lungs and he felt shamed at being able to take in air when Kagome couldn't.
Night bugs crept to his ears after breathing smoothed out. He turned and pounded a fist into bark, barely wincing when his hand sliced open up a little.
It should've been him...he had nothing to live for anyway besides her. She had so much...so much...
The barest of sobs left as his forehead pressed against bark, bangs barely sheltering his skin. She used to brush them away a few times, doing so as comfort and to see his eyes...
Tears wet his lashes again, but he felt less inclined to hold it now that he was alone. He couldn't smell the others, but knew they wouldn't leave without him, and no youkai were around. If they tried for Kagome's body, they would be swiftly and severely dealt with.
He didn't remember the last time he actually cried. He almost did when he thought everyone died from the Shichinin-tai's poisoning. More precisely, when he thought KAGOME almost died.
The sound of a drop splashing against surface caught sensitive hearing, and the smell of salt reached his nose. He crumbled into a little ball, barely able to do so, and clutched his head. Pricks to the back intensified as he gripped harder.
He never wanted to be defenseless by crying, never allowing all the bad in his life to let him. It built up over so many long years and crashed down at once.
Kagome was his last chance of happiness. He didn't care for the courts that scorned him, didn't want to be part of the youkai that hated him, didn't want to be alone anymore than he was in the past, and wanted friends who would treat him more than a mere dog. He found all this in Kagome, Sango, Miroku, Kirara, and Shippou – even Shippou. It wasn't the same now...it would never be the same.
Kagome was the only one who brought him to life, literally and figuratively. He didn't care about the others, only her. Each of them had their own reasons and agendas for grouping together and he knew they would part when Naraku was killed. Whether Sango and Miroku got together in the end was unknown, but he would've liked to make that true with him and Kagome.
He wanted to hate Sango and Miroku for being so close and still alive. He would never get the chance they had now and he had no desire to hand his heart over a third time. He never intended a second, but Kagome had that affect on people.
It took a long time for the tears to stop. He cried for Kagome most of all, and the unfairness of his life...he cried for the circumstances surrounding his friends, the unfairness of those who treated his mother, his mother's death, the fact he never knew his father, the fate of his blood, and the isolation he always felt.
He lived so much in such a short amount of time; the intensity dwarfed his entire life and that with Kikyou. He thought he never had to be alone again, never forced to feel like his life had no meaning, and every battle might as well be his last.
He wanted to live for Kagome and would do anything she wanted. He would've followed her to her time and made the wish to be human, so he could live in her world without a cap over his ears. He would've done his best to learn her world and survive in it. Most of all, he would live her lifespan so he didn't have be left behind when she passed to heaven. He would go to hell to pay for his crimes, but at least he wouldn't have to deal with today.
If she decided to forsake her world for his, he was okay with that too. He could remain a hanyou and use his strength to protect her. He thought he would've been a good mate, able to provide easily once they were settled. Those thoughts weren't that far from his mind with the issue of a final battle nearing.
Now he could do none of those. The daydreams he fancied every so often, mostly during tender moments they shared, were now to remain daydreams. He was foolish to ever think he had a chance at any kind of normal life!
Fists landed on bark again, meek in his fatigue.
All he had now were the memories. It's all he ever had in the end and he was tired of the one being left behind. Ofukuro, oyaji, Kikyou, Kagome...they all left him alone.
Only after composing himself did he bother to move and venture back. It was a slow, almost laborious task, as if going to court his own doom.
Before they saw him, he spotted the group around a campfire. He could hear Shippou's sobbing muffled by Miroku's robes. He could smell tears from Shippou and Sango. He eyed the taiji-ya as she sat in front of Kagome, hands holding a lifeless one, openly staring at the peaceful face as if unable to comprehend. Miroku held Shippou with one arm, his left hand rubbing the child's hair...looking to his unclothed right.
He stopped and took in that sight. Normally the Kazaana would've opened up long ago, especially since he didn't see prayer beads surrounding purple. He forgot when Naraku was dead, Miroku would be free to live his life without consequence of it getting swallowed up into a void...much like the one Kagome was now in.
He looked to the ground and continued. The comparisons weren't going to cease and he was definitely going to drive himself mad with them. It was worse than turning youkai without Tessaiga, and just as horrible to bear.
"Inuyasha...come sit down."
He startled, forgetting they could all sense each other, but complied. He wasn't in the mood for arguing or resisting right now. The firelight hurt his eyes at the sudden shift, but he ignored it and plopped down on the other side of Kagome's body, hands going in sleeves. He stared at them to keep eyes off of Kagome and Sango. If he let the others' grief get to him, he might break down again.
"Inuyasha...we really should head back. Even though it's night, we're losing time."
His head idly bobbed a degree, though he barely listened. He finally looked up and stared at Miroku's hand. It had the attention of both, hovering in the air with fingers splayed for easy inspection. "No more Kazaana ne?"
"Aa. After so long...it's strange. I feel ashamed somehow."
A brow ticked. "For what??"
The hand dropped and slowly wrapped around Shippou. Solemn eyes stared at the fire. "Because my life isn't as precious and I had nothing real to live for before."
He looked away, again keeping eyes off Kagome's body, knowing Miroku was talking about her. The monk's words made sense however, and he had to realize he felt the same way about his own life.
-----
They made it back by dawn, having put the fire out and traveling in darkness. He cradled Kagome to his body, feeling selfish for wanting to hold her like this and never put her down, but was forced to let go when they entered the village and Kaede saw her.
The old woman didn't say anything, but all emotion was clearly written on her wrinkled face. Miroku was left to explain the gist of what happened and that Kaede needed to fix the wounds on the body before he brought it back.
He wouldn't let anyone inside, not even Sango or Shippou. Kagome hated it when he peeked, and none of the others deserved the right, even when she couldn't do anything about it.
He perched on top of the hut, cradling Tessaiga and avidly listening. He growled at anyone who ventured near the hut for any reason, even his friends. They look mildly annoyed after a while, but didn't comment, even if he could tell they thought he was going a bit overboard.
He didn't care – Kagome was to be treated the way he thought she should be and he wasn't going to take any shit from anyone who thought otherwise!
Most of the afternoon passed before he heard Kaede sigh and mumble a few prayers before standing. He shot to his feet and jumped down, watching as she pushed the bamboo curtain aside. "She's ready to be dressed." The aged, beady eye met his for a moment before Kaede looked behind him. "Sango, you were her friend. Though Inuyasha won't let you near, you're the only other one to help me. She would've wanted you to."
He growled, unable to explain his emotions at having anyone but him touch Kagome. But he couldn't bring himself to do so anymore...to even hold her made him feel filthy and low.
Sango almost shoved him to the ground as she brushed past, eyes shimmering, face set. "I would be honored to do so for Kagome-chan."
They entered the hut again and he felt powerless to stop them, to stop this from happening. His head bowed, fists and teeth clenching.
A hand rested on his shoulder again. "They won't do anything horrible to Kagome-sama Inuyasha."
"That's not the fucking POINT!" He grit out.
Miroku came into view and gave a light bop to his ears with the gold end of his staff. "Baka...I know how you feel. You think you can hide everything from us, but your emotions reside on your face. I'll never love Kagome-sama the way you do – I have no right – but don't push us away when we only want to help."
He batted the staff away, wanting to hurt the man in front of him. "What the fuck do you know?! You know NOTHING about me!"
Dark eyes spared a brief glance to the bamboo screen before starting away from it and he followed. "I admit I know nothing of who you were before we crossed paths, or what you were like as a child. But I have a general idea of things you like, things you don't like, what makes you tick, your fighting abilities, some of your emotions toward certain people, and some of your nature as an inu hanyou." Miroku stopped and cast him a sideways glance. "I've never bothered to pry, as it's presumptuous of me to do so, and you're not the type to gush about his past. We've all done horrible, unspeakable things that we shouldn't have Inuyasha, but being around you tells us who you are and that's all we need to know."
He swallowed, moved and understood a little more why he considered these people his friends. They continued walking to the top hill of the village in silence and he stopped when Miroku turned to look down.
"If there was a way Buddha would grant my wishes and take my life in exchange for Kagome-sama's, I would. We would all give our lives to have her with us again, but fate and death are not ones to bargain with. All we have are the memories she graced us with, the fire that burned so brightly inside her. We will be okay if we can remember everything about Kagome-sama and let her spirit live on in us."
"That's not good enough! Kagome's dead, what the fuck good are memories if there's an end to them??"
Miroku cast a quick glance out of the corner of his eye. "That's all we can do." He murmured, giving a quiet sigh.
-----
He waited until morning to head to the well. It was the longest he could procrastinate until those he knew started telling him the longer he waited, the harder it would be. And the less time Kagome's body had.
They stuffed the wound with herbs and stitched it with cloth. Kaede and Sango cleaned all the blood off and washed her hair. Her body was outfitted with a pure white kimono, one that suited her – oddly enough. It should've been white for a bride...instead was white for the dead.
He picked her up as if she would break and allowed Sango to situate arms in her lap. He left with a heavy heart, Miroku holding the screen open for him, and stared at the walk up. He blinked at the sight greeting him.
Almost everyone in the village was lined along the edges, women weeping and comforted by the men. Children hid in their mothers' skirts, bawling as bad as Shippou, if not worse. They hurt his ears and he wanted to be annoyed, but was not in the mood to snap.
Many of the people adopted praying stances with hands clasped and bowed heads, when he started through. They were silent, many still crying. His teeth clenched against it and he bit his tongue to keep from retorting at the verbal prayers and wishes of going to heaven.
He stopped at the top of the hill, everyone facing him. He looked to Kaede's hut and found the old woman holding Shippou much the same Kagome did when comforting against the terrors of the world. Miroku stood close, Sango in his arms. The faint sounds of her sobbing reached his ears and they flicked back in mild agitation. He met Miroku's eyes, getting a nod and looked to Kagome. He stared at her face for what seemed forever, eyes mournful and soft, before getting the courage and strength to turn around and keep going.
The day was beautiful. He looked around and glowered at the birds chirping and sun shining through the canopy. It wasn't supposed to be like this – it had to be horrible! Why were the skies clear when they should be weeping for the loss of such a person??
He stopped at the clearing to the well, eyeing it. This would be the last trip to Kagome's time. He would have no need to go over anymore, once he brought her back. This was the last he would ever see her home and the thought pained him. They were apart by hundreds of years, and now separated by death as well.
He blinked back tears, angry at himself for being weak at a time like now. He couldn't break down in front of her family; they needed him to be strong. He also needed the strength to brush off their hatred whenever it came. He would feel better knowing they hated him, much as he hated himself.
He gently hopped to the lip and looked into darkness. Hands clutched her tightly to him to survive the trip looking exactly like she was. He wanted nothing more than to sit against the edge like he used to and hold her, deceased or not. He would never get to hold her after he crossed time.
White swished. No! He was just torturing himself – he needed to get on with it before Kagome's skin went. He didn't think he could see that and stay sane.
He jumped in and was soon assaulted with smells and sounds of a more populated land. He vaulted to the top and peeked out through holes in wood shoji, finding no one around.
Good.
He edged the door open with a foot, creeping out and warily looking around. He got halfway past the shrine before his feet slowed to a stop and he stared again.
He didn't want to give her up like this! It was too much. What was he supposed to do when he crossed back again? The well might not even work for all he knew! This was the end and he didn't want to know that. The finality of this wasn't as bad as when Kagome caught him promising to protect Kikyou. At least then, she was alive and well...
His knees gave out and he slumped to concrete. He didn't care who saw them right now and situated knees so she would fit better against him. A finger came up and gently stroked a cheek, marveling at how soft she was after a day.
He was used to ignoring a lot of the noises when here. There were too many and if he didn't, they would overwhelm. But a sudden, familiar gasp, and clack of stick made his ears twitch to it and he chanced a look up.
Frozen in place, a hand covering her mouth, eyes frightfully wide, was Kagome's mother. He stared with dead eyes, unable to find words.
In mere seconds, the woman rushed over and fell to her knees in front of him, eyes on her only daughter. He felt shame and guilt creep up when the woman tried to shake Kagome, trying to talk to her. He couldn't bring himself to say he already tried both and it wouldn't do any good. He quickly let go when the woman pulled the body into her arms and wept quietly.
They sat there like that for timeless moments until the old man appeared. He rushed over with a cry and repeated the mother's actions, touching Kagome's face and openly sobbing. He wanted to move out of the way, but felt rooted in place, forced to watch their agony.
He deserved this, he figured. He caused Kagome's death by being unable to protect her and should pay his penance by seeing the affects.
The two composed themselves after a second, finally giving him their attention. The mother looked more forgiving than the old man, but he was ready for their words. Whatever they had to say couldn't be as bad as the self-berating he was going through.
A hand stroked Kagome's cheek as the woman managed a small smile and bow of her head. "Th – thank you...for bringing her back..."
He blinked, not ready for that. He nodded at her sincerity.
"What happened?! Why did this have to happen?! Kagome...you didn't deserve this..."
He looked to the ground, feeling another twinge of guilt. The same words followed him through time. He would forever wonder this himself.
"Papa...please... Let's get her out from people's eyes."
He wanted to offer to carry Kagome inside, wondering if such frail people could handle her, but the words were heavy on his tongue. He couldn't be so audacious as to offer to do that. He didn't mind carrying her, but why should he get the privilege now?
The grandfather somehow managed to get Kagome the way he held her and he dumbly followed, unable to do anything else. He stopped at the front door, looking at the genkan solemnly. By all rights, he shouldn't be allowed inside...he was amazed they didn't order him off the property already.
Footsteps met his vision and he looked up. Kagome's mother offered a small smile and an inviting hand extended to him. "You're welcome to come in. Kagome's...this – this doesn't affect anything."
His jaw clenched, but he finally nodded and took a few steps in. He followed the mother to the living room where Kagome was and kneeled next to the doorway. He watched the old man pray over her much the same as Kaede did and listened. He wondered if Kagome could hear their prayers wherever she was.
Gold shot up at a soft hand on his arm, meeting wise brown. Kagome's mother offered another smile and he wondered how she could do so at a time like this. "When papa is done...will you bring her up to her room for us? I don't think papa can manage the stairs, and I don't want Souta to see her until we can tell him."
He blinked, the boy's absence coming to him. He must be at that school place Kagome used to go to... He nodded; finally glad to be of some help, no matter how minute it was.
He sat for a while, cradling Tessaiga and watching. The prayers were hokier than the ones Miroku offered to the deceased, and they trailed on. He was eventually relieved when the old man's voice cracked and he stood to leave the room. He didn't know if that was a finishing sign or not, but he took it as one and made his way over. He stuffed Tessaiga into hakama ties and picked her up as gently as every other time. He tried to get her arms in place and tucked her head under his chin, smelling shampoos used on her hair.
Entering her room was nostalgic and another slap to the face. He almost couldn't enter, but her mother asked and he would. He set Kagome on her bed and suddenly thought back to every time he was here. It wasn't that much, but her time held a lot of fond memories for him. Even fighting the youkai in this future wasn't as bad. The magic that surrounded Kagome swirled in her life as well and made her even more interesting and mysterious.
He kneeled and leaned on elbows, staring at her face again. It was his curse, but he felt time was almost up and then he would never get the chance to. It was like rapidly dissolving water - he needed enough to get him through.
It was a long time before he heard movement downstairs. Dull voices and footsteps came, but he ignored them. After a while, a faint scent came and he was a little panicked.
Souta!
Teeth bit his lip. He could handle adults, but children were innocent, and Souta didn't get more than that. He didn't want to see the boy crumble; hear his cries anymore than he did the rest of the family. He stood and looked down, torn as to stay or go. If he stayed, he could remain by her side a little longer...but if he went, they would perform funeral rights. He couldn't stay here for that. This was killing him enough already inside.
Rapid steps and panting reached his ears. An urgent, youthful voice burst in from the front door and he backed away, eyes on pale skin.
"I never wanted this to happen...you have to believe me. I was hoping we could work something out after Naraku was killed. I wouldn't willingly put your family through this. I just hope you can forgive me for not being able to protect you and let you down."
As the mother tried to explain why Souta had been called out of school, he quickly opened the window and jumped to the ledge. As running up the steps sounded, he jumped out...unable to contain his shame and blame any longer.