A fist slammed down in frustration. Hands gripped the edge of desk and shoved backward, barely managing to move since the chair wasn't on wheels. It only aggravated her more and teeth grit against wanting to do something violent.
Schoolwork couldn't be done in this attitude and she wasn't helping herself by not calming down. The unrest that crept up all month and half of last wasn't going away and little by little it was starting to strain her. Seven classes weren't helping, even if these were detrimental to the graduation. These were all she needed and a lot was riding on them. Cramming them in one semester was probably not a good idea because the last time she had seven together it swamped her. But she was not going to wait until fall when some of them were offered again.
There was so much riding on this final section and that was another straw on her back. She had a few tests already, but trying to study for the next in three days wasn't going well.
She stood and started pacing, mind buzzing to try and solve this for now. She could be annoyed later; it was time to do some work.
Hands gripped behind her back, eyes directed to carpet underneath. She barely registered the feel against her feet, even if she watched toes flatten strands.
This feeling was a bane to her existence. She never had this problem with other semesters in her junior year. Course, this final year was going to be small since it just started. She was probably one of the few who went shorter than the normal four years by stacking classes between jobs since the beginning. All that was worth it to save a few thousand dollars in tuition of possible rising costs - just like college did almost every semester.
She stopped and twirled for the door. If she couldn't get anything done, she was going to be productive. Since she couldn't remember the last time she ate, other than breakfast before work, this was opportunity to rectify that.
Hopping the stairs, she passed the narrow archway of the second living room and rolled her eyes at Sam watching a movie. The girl wasn't finished either and as since SHE signed up for so much, it put them on equal year level. Sam had art projects to get done and Biology to read, but yet the girl was goofing off.
Was she the only persistent worker in this house??
Black swished as she tried to keep too much pessimism out of her head. Who cared what Sam was doing? For all she knew, being practically locked away since finishing work, the girl just sat down five minutes ago. 'Don't be too harsh in judging your friend baka.' She scolded.
She pulled the fridge open and stared. Cooking anything would bring the bottomless pit strolling in, so best to make something for two of them. She pulled out a small chunk of beef, potatoes, carrots, onions, pre-made dashi left over from other meals, some soy sauce, mirin, itokonyaku, and peas. Lately, her taste turned to Japanese cooking - Kagome's influence - but it made her feel pleasantly nostalgic and happy to learn new recipes from her old life. Dumping everything on the counter for a minute, she snatched cooking oil and some sugar and got to work on niku jaga.
She made quick work peeling potato skins and set those aside to cook later. She didn't like wasting food and with Kagome's knowledge hers, it made using everything easier and more fun. She quickly sliced those into chunks and filled a bowl with water to set them in.
She didn't bother doing the same with carrots since they'd get cooked anyway. It made easy work cutting those up as well and shoving aside in a bowl to keep clean.
The itokonyaku was cut into mildly thin strings and a pan put on low boil. She left both alone, keeping an ear out for when the water started boiling to throw the noodles in.
The onion was quickly sliced and diced and shoved in a bowl with the carrots for later frying.
She chopped up the beef and left it on the cutting board to get another pan out and poured a liberal amount of oil in. She took that time to check the first, finding the water hot enough to throw the noodles in and turned the burner down a little.
The meat didn't take long, but it never did. She tossed carrots and onions in, taking a quick second to drain the potatoes and add. She gave everything a quick stir and shut the other burner off, straining noodles and adding those with quick efficiency. The last burner turned down a little to settle in with flavor after dashi was dribbled in.
"I smell something good."
She smiled, eyes still on her task. "I'm almost done here. Set the table for me will you?"
"Can do boss."
The clattering of plates sounded behind her. She nearly laughed at Sam openly smelling the air for the scent - it DID smell pretty good she had to admit. Soy sauce was carefully added, along with some mirin and sake. She turned the burner off, as everything was lowly boiling and hot enough, to let the flavors blend for a while. She turned to the sink and ran water in pans to be washed later.
Peas were added and after another minute or two, she snatched potholders off the wall and lifted the pan to its awaiting spot in the center of the table. She returned to make sure the stove was off and a ladle.
"So what's this one called? Smells good."
"Niku jaga." She reported, pulling her chair out.
"Japanese food again? You've made it every day this month."
She paused, leveling light blue with mild irritation. "Is that a problem?"
Hands quickly went into the air to placate. "No! I'm just making an observation."
She finished sitting down and started dishing up some lunch. "So I'm cooking different ethnic foods. I would think you'd like the extra experimenting. I haven't heard you complain before. Damn, we need rice with this..."
Sam's hand shot out and grabbed wrist before she could get up. "This'll do for now. You can make that with dinner. I don't want that much starch anyway...goes to my hips."
She leveled the chubby girl with a dry look, trying not to smile at the dopy grin. "Rice is good for you." She defended, blowing on her soup.
"For those who can get rid of starch. I read about that stuff in Biology; you can't fool me."
There was little other comment except when Sam didn't wait long enough for the heat to disappear and ended up burning her tongue. The noise for the next few minutes was quite grating to her nerves, but she quickly got up and got the girl some cold water to take the edge off.
She finished off two servings and declared herself full. Sam was finishing a second larger one, but it seemed enough. She grabbed Tupperware and stuck the remains inside to be finished later and started in on getting dishes loaded to be done.
Halfway through that, Sam's chair scraped across linoleum. The extra bowl was set in the sink to be processed as well. Sam gave her friend a quick, unreadable look, not noticed at the distraction under hot water. Taking that quick second to push chair back in, Sam silently grabbed the cordless and headed for the front door without a word.
Four rings passed before anyone picked up and Sam allowed herself to relax. She smiled at a mildly familiar voice and asked for her 'prey', looking at the street while on hold.
When he came on, Sam mentally hoped this plan wouldn't go awry. "Hello?"
"Hola hombre."
"Sam - hey. Is anything wrong?"
Said girl grinned. "Aren't you sweet? I'm fine thanks."
Dry brown looked at the wall. "I was talking about K. Anything going on?"
"She would be the reason I'm calling. And before you get freaked out by that, she's perfectly healthy." A hand rose and twirled ash idly, lips pursed. "I had a question to ask you...when was the last time you guys talked or saw each other?"
"She's got classes - I can't be bothering her. I know that so I let her call and let me know when she's got free time to talk or hang out. Other than that, I know I didn't talk to her this week...maybe the beginning of February? I'm not sure really. I think I talked to her once after classes started, but it seems a while ago."
"It must've been if you can't remember well."
"What's up? Did she have you dial or something?"
"No, actually she's in doing dishes and doesn't know I'm on the phone. I just wanted to know when you talked to her because she's been really keyed up lately. Seems to have a short fuse at something and I think it could be classes, but I don't want to bet on it. It almost looks like she's caged or something. I didn't know if you had any clue."
"Maybe it's as you said. This is her last semester isn't it? If I had that kind of threat looming over me, I'd be freaking out."
"She hasn't done that in the four years she's been going here." Teeth chewed on a nail for a second in contemplation. "Maybe she just needs a break. Seven is a lot to handle and she's only done it once, but that was in the summer where they were short. What're you doing right now? Can you come kidnap her for a few hours? We just ate, so she's good. It just seems tense around here."
He snorted. "You must think I have that kind of free time to drive forty miles to pick her up."
A wolfish grin sprouted. "Don't you?"
He sighed. "Sadly enough, I do. And I've been thinking about her and what she's been doing, so I suppose it wouldn't hurt. But if she's got stuff to study for, I don't want to disturb her. I don't want my ass chewed out if she's in a bad mood."
The grin spread farther. "I'm sure you know of ways to calm her down."
He sputtered, face barely heating. "You're so tactless! Gods, I bet it was fun for your mother when you were introduced to boys."
"Yea, yea...just get over here and make it snappy. You know she's not going to turn you away once you're already here, so I won't tell her you're coming. Take her anywhere but this place - take her back with you if that's what it takes. She really DOES need to unwind."
His brow furrowed as the Hispanic's tone turned serious. "I'll get ready and leave within five and try to hurry. Is it really that bad? I thought she dealt with stress pretty well."
"Well whatever it is, it's been going on for a while. If you need clarification, just get a look of how she acts and know the anxiety I've had to endure."
He snorted, moving to the doorway. "You poor thing you. I'll be there soon and save you from so much 'aggravation'."
Sam grinned and hopped off the porch railing. "Later."
"Ja."
He clicked the phone off and snatched coat, shoes, and keys. With a quick shout to anyone in the place that he'd be back, he headed out and braced himself against the wind. It was horrible today and had been since last night, which didn't make the coldness of spring any easier to stand. But the good thing was it was going in his direction - it would be harder getting back, but easier going and that was his concern.
Was K really like Sam said? He couldn't fathom her acting so pressurized, but the last time they hung out was New Year's. He called once in January to see how the semester started and that was it. After learning of the load she took on, he mentally vowed to lay off normal call volume. As hard as it was to keep that promise, he worked more at the store to make up for it.
The heater blasted and vents directed his way. Curse him for not bringing gloves! His fingers were going frigid and the car wasn't heating up quick enough. He hurried to the interstate to help warm the engine from higher speeds and took note of the lack of traffic. He was pleased by that - he could hurry and not fret about accidents.
It was early afternoon, so the sun helped warm interior up by the time he got into Miami. He was loathe to get out of such a roasty-toasty car, but hopefully Sam's like for cool weather wouldn't make her open the windows. It was low fifties, but the wind made it lower.
He sucked in the weak attitude, pulled coat tight around him, and exited. The breath was momentarily snatched away and left him leaning against the car, taken aback before he hurried to the porch. A quick knock and hands stuck in his pockets.
-----
"I'm not getting that!" Sam hollered from her room.
"Why not?! I'm studying here!" She yelled back. "Or trying to..." She groused, glaring at boring black and white words on the page.
"I'm working on my homework too." Sam countered, face twisted to the open door for better hearing. She grinned, knowing who that was. Let K be surprised and jog irritation for a second. The poor thing needed her man to lean against for a bit.
Fist clenched mechanical pencil and started bending plastic a degree before she quickly exhaled and shoved chair back. "Fine...be a lazy ass and make me do everything." She lowly grumbled, trying not to stalk from her room. She briefly paused at the doorway, ignoring the second round of knocking. "If that's a solicitor or something I'm going to hurt you."
"Yea right."
An evil grin tipped her lips. "Who said it'd be physical?"
Light blue swung to the doorway again, a brow rising in confusion and unease at the tip of pitch leaving her field of view when the girl walked downstairs. "Man Inaki, you'd better work your magic. I don't care WHAT rating you do it in."
She tried not to yank the door open when knocking sounded again. Her face schooled in lack of expression to keep from showing any emotion, but that slackened at the vision feet away.
"Yo. I heard you were having trouble and decided to rescue you for a while."
Bless that annoying little scheming heart of her best friend!
Brown misted as a beaming smile graced her face. Arms shot out and pulled her tight against chest, cheek getting situated to hear some of his heartbeat. "Hisashiburi..." She breathed, feeling everything almost instantly melt away.
He gave it a second and embraced her back, even if he stood out in the cold with only the screen door to shield him from some of the wind. She didn't seem to mind freezing so he wouldn't say anything. He did what was possible with his somewhat larger frame to keep her warm, even if heat was escaping from inside. "Aa."
She didn't want to move away, but her skin was getting bumps and it was taking glee away of seeing him again in almost two months. It took a few mental orderings before she stepped away and let him in. "What brings you here? This's quite sudden."
He lined shoes against wall next to hers, noticing they were the same way his family normally did. A brow rose for a second before he turned to her and found her inches away. Brown met brown for a second before arms were around him again, almost forcing him against the wall as she used him for physical support.
He tried to get comfortable without jarring them too much. Quiet music from upstairs - Sam's room he bet - floated down as the only noise. Her breathing barely made a dent in the volume. He let her stay like this, even if sitting down was a better option. He didn't even get time to take his coat off, or unzip it for that matter.
Teeth bit the inside of her lip. Responsibilities and laziness were warring in her mind, mixing emotions and making thoughts fight themselves. She let them flow around, not sticking with one thing, unlike earlier today. None of them were important while she was safely tucked in Inaki's embrace. He had the power, whether he knew it or not, to calm the rage of her mind and everything working to be heard.
But logic soon floated to the forefront, creating an interesting epiphany. "Sam called you didn't she?"
"You're quite perceptive, you know that?" He ignored the indignant protest and gave a squeeze to offset her. "I was ordered to remove you from the premises immediately. So get your coat and whatnot to keep warm - you're coming with me."
She pulled back, but he seemed prepared and wouldn't let her do more than bend her spine to look at him. Mild stubbornness met brown. "You know I can't do that! I've got a test to study for middle of this week and another one on Friday! I can't go gallivanting around, even though I'd like to."
"Well if you'd like to, there's nothing stopping you." His grip loosened in degrees to keep her from falling, but letting her know he was releasing her. "You'll be back before tomorrow...other than that I can't promise when."
She fought a smile at his grin and glared a little. "Look...You know I can't - I mean I can't just - I've got books to work on and pages to review! I've got bunches of notes I haven't even taken and half a chapter to finish for that test! This will have to wait."
A brow rose. He made for the stairs and sat at the bottom half, resting head in hands and idly watching her follow. "So, you're going to make me go home so you can study? I know you can't do much when you have other people crowding you."
Brown looked to the extra living room. "You don't crowd me." She muttered, bangs shadowing eyes. "I don't know where you got that overblown notion... And no...I won't make you drive all the way back when you came here to see me; whether Sam told you or not." She gave him a minute smile and affection in her eyes. "I - I appreciate the thought and the offer though."
Sam couldn't have been more right if she told him the sun set and rose every day without fail. The stress in his girlfriend's face was more than apparent, mostly in those once lively and beautiful eyes of hers and the slouched shoulders. She seemed tired, worn, maybe even stretched too thin.
It was no wonder, with all she had going on right now!
He felt a little guilty for interrupting her time, but there was righteousness in his cause. He didn't like seeing K like this, so it was high time to do something about it. Even if she had to go AWOL for a while, she needed this more than she thought.
A hand extended for her to take, legs widening a little on the steps. "Come here. And I'm not taking no for an answer."
She blinked, face heating a little, before sitting holed up in those lanky limbs of his, arms going around her and tucking her against him. Everything started evaporating again as easily as it did the first time and she slouched again to enjoy it.
His lips rested near her ear. "I'm not taking no for an answer. I'd love for you to see yourself at how you look and talk and act. You need either a good, long massage or a quick roll somewhere private." A hand moved as she sputtered, trying to twist to glare at him. He ignored her and pinched a shoulder muscle. "You're all tight right here. I bet all your back muscles are."
She cringed, even if pressure was light. His fingers moved to brush over skin as if to undue the problem he caused. She sighed after a minute, realizing she was just being stubborn to be stubborn. "You're right...I do need to relax." A hand rose and rubbed her face. "I haven't had a day off of studying since classes started. So many damn chapters to read... I don't even know why I didn't check to see if some classes had summer offerings. I mean, I knew this was going to be hard, but during the summer when I took these, I knew they wouldn't go on this long."
The weariness in her voice worried him. She sounded old and was going to make herself that way if he didn't do something to cheer her up. He hugged her again before letting go. "Get your coat and something warm - you're coming with me."
She wanted to protest, everything in piles on her desk flashed in her mind...but he was right. Part of her was screaming the hell with it all for now and to enjoy this brief happiness. Who knew when she'd get to see him again? She was caught up in a few classes and only somewhat behind in others. She could leave for a few hours and come back in time to make dinner and then hole up on her chair until bedtime.
Provided she could convince Inaki to go along with that plan...
She almost fell asleep on the ride up. The lull of the road and comfortable silence started drooping her lids and her head propped up just in case she did doze off. They reached the city limits all too soon and the slower speeds woke her up. Hand rubbed eyes as he took a few turns to the house and pulled into the lot.
A smile appeared as she stared for a second before getting out. She missed this house and everyone in it. She couldn't wait to see how they were all doing and what happened to them in the brief time she was gone.
She came to think of the Yamois as half family and cherished them all. They were more precious than Sam's family even, though the Merths were very dear as well, and she liked to consider them hers at times.
She lined shoes against the wall without thought, more concerned with eyeing the area and incorporating it again. She would never tire of this place - it was too well designed and homey to take for granted. Plus she never visited here enough for that!
Hand grabbed hand to get her attention. "If you'll follow me..."
She smirked and fell in step as they made for the stairs. "I don't have a choice, do I?"
He snorted and eyed his grandparents' bedroom, finding them both napping together. A smile lit his face as he passed and entered his room. Jayden, wherever she was around here, wasn't and he was glad. He pulled K in front and pushed shoulders down to get her to sit.
He stood above with a grin and cracked knuckles, flexing muscles to get them warmed up. "This is what you're going to do and I don't want any arguments or backtalk. You're going to lie on your stomach on my bed and put your arms in a comfortable position and no moving. I don't want to hear any words from you until I say it's time to talk. Hai?"
A brow rose at his commands, but his eyes gave no room for leeway, so she shrugged and did what he said.
Happy she was the way he wanted, he rolled up the sleeves on his sweater and made to shut the door for some privacy. "Good girl. I thought I was going to have to wrestle you to the bed for a second."
She snorted. "You'd like that wouldn't you?"
"Of course I would!" He granularly replied, straddling her back. "Now, no fidgeting and no kicking." Hands moved down before she could ask and started at the top of her back in a series of massage moves.
A groan worked its way out on its own as he pressed, kneaded, rubbed, and pounded over back, neck, and waist. She felt like jelly and the feel of his hands - hell, if she knew he was THIS experienced, she would've done this sooner! - was either going to put her to sleep or totally euphoric on a different level! She felt like sinking into the bed or purring as he made thoughts fly from her head and tension leave her body. Bless the boy; she'd have sex with him in a second to repay him if she had the will to move.
He grinned at the noises leaving her from time to time. He was tempted to take advantage of this situation in an utterly naughty way, but now was not appropriate. He was just getting to some working order with her back and wasn't done. She was so worked up everywhere, he had a mental image of getting a meat mallet to beat on her and see if that'd help faster. He tried not to laugh, but a quiet chuckle clenched his stomach until he forced it away.
It seemed a lot of time passed and she knew she dozed as he worked. She only knew that because it was a strain to pull eyes open and move limbs. The arms slack at her sides clenched to move, but the energy wasn't there. He took that with the anxiety and any desire to move around. His bed was comfy enough and she was in no position to hurt her neck, though she might have a crick later.
By the time eyes managed to pull themselves open, she stared with a non-working mind at Inaki sitting on Jayden's bed, a steaming cup in his hands. She focused on the mist rising for a while, finally blinking to water her eyes. After a lot of mental ordering and pathetic tries, arms finally moved and helped push her to sitting position.
"You look relaxed."
She ignored the smugness in his tone and rolled her neck to get that known crick gone. Still a little sleepy, she stared at tatami for a bit, listening to him sip whatever tea he was having. "How long have I been asleep?"
He continued to watch her, feeling immensely proud of himself and happy she got some rest. "About half an hour I think. I wasn't keeping track. Your tea is cooling on the desk. Don't worry, it's still hot; I just got these a few minutes ago."
Did he know she was going to wake soon? Shaking her head a little and slapping cheeks, she stood and cradled the cup with both hands. She faced him, folding legs daintily underneath each other, staring down and smelling green tea.
He took in the whole thing; all movement and act. Did she know what she was doing? Was she even aware she was doing everything perfectly Japanese-like? The way her legs folded, the double position of her hands - the honorable way to hold a teacup. The impulse to say something shunted when he raised porcelain and carefully sipped to keep from burning his tongue.
She stared at his room, an emotion burning inside and increasing as seconds passed and the tea absently cooled in her palms. She barely felt the heat, feeling the reason for all these emotions coming to a head for one main reason. If only she could figure out what it was! It was so close and there seemed to be a clue right here in this room, maybe this house, and she had to find it. She WOULD find it. If an answer could be seen after so many days of inner turmoil, something that came on its own regard and wouldn't leave...putting her in such restraint to hide it from school and Sam, she would do what was necessary. If it required meditating on the thought or changing the scenery, she would do it without a second thought.
Questions burned in his mind at intense concentration on her face. He wondered what she was thinking, what she was feeling. He didn't know if he wanted to ask and break whatever trance she was in, but seeing this was key to find out what was wrong with her. He wanted to do anything in his power to help her get better and be the person she was before this issue. They had enough problems in the past and everything should be smooth now. They were no longer any reincarnation; that was truly in the past.
Knowing that aspect, it confused him more upon pondering over what was the problem. He couldn't think of anything other than what was common knowledge and first suspects. She had an easily laid out schedule of school and work. If it wasn't that, it could be that they weren't able to spend as much time together and she missed him more than she thought. It might be, but both silently agreed to give the other space from time to time, her more than him.
She sipped tea, careful not to burn her mouth. This action was so familiar in this life and the last. She stared at hands as if seeing them for the first time, as if never seeing tea and porcelain.
The cup was a tube-like shape, almost half an inch wide to survive its time in the kiln, and simply painted. What wasn't covered by liquid inside was a mere covering to keep anything seeping into clay. Outside was earthy brown with blue and green streaks crossing each other. It was beautiful in a simplistic way, but she still liked it. She had none like this at home and anytime she had tea it was with coffee mugs or large glasses that held a lot of water. But the point wasn't amount, it was enjoyment gotten from what was there.
The urge to move suddenly came and she followed it like a child and stood. She ignored Inaki for a second and headed for the door. She moved it from its cracked position and left, wondering where she was going and taking in the area as if desperately looking for something.
"O - oi!" He stuttered, blinking. She moved like a ghost and he was taken aback. Not a word about any of her actions and it concerned him. He jumped up, trying not to make a mess and have his sister smack him good or burn his hands in the process. "Where are you going? What's with the silence? Answer me!"
She was vaguely aware of footsteps pounding over carpet as she landed on the middle floor. She seemed to be looking through someone else's eyes almost; it was strange to describe. Feet took her to the edge of the sitting room, mindful not to lean against the railing. She stared at the knickknack shelves full of items from the past of this country and Japan. Her eyes bore holes past glass and landed on each item from the other country, easily identifying them.
There was nothing really special about this small, open section of house. These ledges were an eyesore with their dark paintjob against lighter walls, but the remaining furniture was western style. She felt disappointed for some odd reason and turned for the kitchen.
He stopped at the bottom of the steps, avidly watching her for any change in this bizarre behavior. He wondered what brought it on and what he could do to keep anyone from noticing it. He hoped no one suddenly came in sight and asked questions or jogged her from this. As odd as it was, there had to be a reason and if he stayed near long enough, he could find it. Also, if this was some small flashback to Kagome's psyche, things could get dangerous if someone inquired. The whole issue was a secret they told no one and never would.
She practically tiptoed to tatami. Dull brown stared at the eating table and zabuton, the emotion rising. She kneeled without thought, eyes still trained on wood, and quietly set her cup on it. Legs tucked underneath - mostly as a modesty issue with women, even though she was wearing pants, and stared at the cup lightly cradled between palms again.
She tried to pierce the emotion with a name and end this havoc. It was cutting into her time with Inaki and though she knew he followed, she forced him out to deal with this. Anxiety rose since she started wandering and although it was part of what she felt right now, that wasn't all of it.
She seemed a little calmer and somewhat more focused sitting here. It was hard to pinpoint and that alone was driving her crazy. It was an unknown answer on the tip of her tongue. Aggravation started building, making teeth clench, until she purposely looked away to calm down. This was not her home and she was still a guest here, no matter how many times she visited.
Brown widened a little as they locked on the traditional room past the kitchen. She stared at the sliver of visible space before standing and ambling for it. There was a queasy feeling in her stomach, adrenaline in her system, as if going inside would be a bad thing or...something.
She stared, eventually looking to the separation of red tile and tatami at the archway. Teeth bit lip in indecision before she took a breath and crossed over.
There was very little inside, as there always was. The amount of space and how it was filled was traditional Zen. This wasn't merely a room; it was an ideal of Buddhism. Though she was never Buddhist, not even Kagome was, it hit her hard. Legs buckled and she heavily fell to the ground, wincing at the blow to her knees. She stared at a corner, ignoring Inaki's voice.
For many weeks, something was eating at her inside. It was an unknown creature nibbling at the plethora of emotions she possessed, tearing away some of the good and leaving bad in their place. This problem manifested itself and refused to simply be enlightened upon in any sense. For that reason alone, it was hard to find and use patience or congeniality to get by.
She was a problem solver and prolonged mysteries didn't sit well with her. Knowing that this seemed important in a way didn't escape her. It was hard to trace to when it became pronounced, though she definitely tried. Many an hour in class was lost as she wandered into her head.
It seemed to start around New Year she surmised - other than that she couldn't remember clearly. There were times she went through the days from moment of wakening to falling asleep again. There had to be a clue she wasn't seeing, but every time she reviewed past events, she came up empty-handed.
The one thing that did unsettle her a little when assessing the days was the way she acted. A person is really unaware of the things they do unless told by another person, or given heavy thought. If anyone noticed change in her behavior, they didn't say anything.
"So what's this one called? Smells good."
"Niku jaga."
"Japanese food again? You've made it every day this month."
"Is that a problem?"
"No! I'm just making an observation."
Sam was an exception, but other than making that small comment, her friend didn't point out many Japanese practices.
She looked back to the many actions she did. Today was especially heavy, but then she had a tendency to act as Inaki's family did when in their house. Knowing the customs was another persuasion and she did things almost without thought. Unlike today, she never noticed the way she sat or held something and gave it serious attention.
Even in her own home, she had a tendency to put those things to use. Cooking was a big tip-off, though there were microscopic points as well. She always took off and neatly lined shoes against the wall, heels out so they could easily be slipped into again. Language was entering her vocabulary more and more; little phrases to whole sentences. She used it to Sam and occasionally mumbled around campus. Clothing changed a little, though she had always been a somewhat conservative dresser. Skirts adorned her at times, much to Sam's amazement.
Anxiety faded in tiny degrees as she continued to sit there. The design of this room gave a feeling of unpronounced life; an essence all its own. She felt comfortable in here and as though time slipped. Inaki's house calmed her down than her own and that was another pathetic thought.
She turned that over in her head, wondering and asking herself why. Other than she liked being with Inaki and his family, the house really had nothing to do with much. Sure it was a nice, extensive place due to the load of people and amount of acquired wealth, but she wasn't around enough to put a sentimental value to it.
It wasn't coming as fast as it should have, though she felt as if all pieces were gathered and reviewed. She had a notion of not forgetting anything, but not seeing. There was nothing more annoying than studying something and not understanding anything.
'Think!' She ordered, nails digging into palms. 'What is it that you're trying to figure out?! It has to do with this house because of the way it changes your emotions. Run through everything again...dissect it further.'
She took a quiet, deep breath for tolerance and started with the house. She recounted Japanese mannerisms done in her home, since she went over that the first time. She finished every possible aspect and skipped to finding those same things on campus. She tried to think of behavior in every class and every travel to and from. The only thing seen beside different ethnicities was a small withdrawal. It was hard to pinpoint, but she stayed on that for a second to work it in her head.
More questions wandered past the darkness of her eyes. 'Why would I have any reason to do that?? I'm in my hometown, in the same college, living in the same home since I left mom's, and know some of the same people. It just seems absurd, but it's still there - why??'
Brown stared at the wall as if it had answers. Her head remained muddled, but confusion replaced irritation and for that she was mildly glad. She was tired of anger and feeling it only brought more on from such helplessness. It was a nasty circle she finally broke, though the problems hadn't.
'It's not like it's that big a deal if I act Japanese in my life anyway. I act on some Spanish customs at the Merth household and no one says anything to me. It's the same way here - I do so and no one cares. They accept me even if I act either way. Maybe it's not a problem like I'm making it out to be.'
Teeth bit lip, not as sure as her words tried to sound. The fact that she could be who she was around those she cherished didn't convince her in the slightest. Acceptance was nice, but she did go through different worlds with each family she visited. She studied quite a few cultures besides her own...the years in high school with French; firsthand experience in Sam's heritage; and now Inaki's. Even if she learned a lot from her boyfriend, nothing could replace what she learned of Japanese life by actually taking that trip.
A smile tipped her lips as fondness speared her. Longing followed as she mentally recounted some of the districts in Tokyo. There were trials, but after issues were dealt with she did have a lot of fun. She was happy to've gone and would always have a love for the place.
The emotions that came with thinking of Tokyo pierced her with such heavy sorrow afterward as one thing made itself clear. Finally...after so much torment, she had at least an inkling of an answer. But it wasn't one she wanted to know, let alone recognize and realize.
Brown squeezed shut, hands clenching. Tears lined her lashes and teeth grit in frustration.
No! This wasn't fair! She was supposed to be herself and not influenced by Kagome. Japanese customs were not supposed to do this to her! Bangs shadowed eyes, body shaking as it tensed. She sniffled in sudden misery, feeling as if everything were tearing apart.
She couldn't stop looking like Kagome - that would require serious cosmetic surgery. Behavior probably shadowed the ghost a little outside of generic traditions, but she was forgetting their time together the longer it progressed. The dreams never left, but they were getting harder to remember when she woke. Even if that helped distance her from everything, one thing was becoming ingrained.
"K? What's going on? Talk to me."
Hands covered face as he kneeled by her. "K - ka...eraitai." She breathed, feeling enraged and sad at the same time. She sniffled again and aggressively swiped a sleeve across nose.
This wasn't supposed to happen! She was supposed to get on with her life, not wish to backtrack!
He blinked, body stilling. He wanted to ask her again to make sure he heard right, but she was too volatile for much.
"Naze? Why now? For what purpose?? It was supposed to be over - it was supposed to be okay!" She resisted the urge to pound fists against tatami, lest she break it. Everything faded as realization took root and made a few past instances clearer. She turned inward, feeling the spark of her powers, and cursed them as the only representation of her reincarnate. "I gave you that - I searched for you! Why are you making me feel this way?? Mou yamero!"
Even though vague, he'd been around so much to know who the subject here was. He cradled here and she didn't resist. Her face buried in his chest, arms around waist. He listened to her comments of unfairness and wishes to be left as is with a furrowed brow. She wouldn't give good answers until calmed, so he was forced to be silent.
Why? Why did she feel this way? Why must it parade through her life and bring these feelings? When would she find peace? Of course, there was one simple way to go about it, but that was something which would shatter everything grounded and concrete in her life.
She didn't know if it was possible to go through with it. It would make her feel complete inside, but would she ever be happy again? It was too risky and daring, let alone a good thing. There was no guarantee it'd work, but she would never feel sense of belonging again otherwise.
Hands fisted shirt in misery, slumping against him. It would bring a little happiness, but she would have to give up everything else making her content for it. The outside would be tossed away in order to fulfill the inside.
His hand slowly moved and gently gripped chin, bringing her face to view. His heart clenched at near agony in her eyes. There didn't seem to be anything to take that, but his lips moved forward and lightly touched hers anyway.
Her eyes shuttered closed, tears slipping past and dripping down. He was so sweet for being concerned and trying to soothe her and she loved him even more for that...but it broke her heart more to think that way.
She had options - this wasn't a sure thing. Even as worthless as it was to think of a way out, she clung to them. She could continue to act on her reincarnation's customs and try to be swayed by that. She could ignore everything that took place, apologize for her actions, and fight this with every ounce of strength she had. She could work at trying to reincorporate herself. That wasn't a hard thing, but changing her mindset was.
'Why did I make that wish? Why did I think that way back at the graveyard that day? If I knew how it was going to affect me...seep into my unconsciousness...I would've thought more before being so stupid.' Her brow furrowed in more confusion as she looked away and looked over Inaki's shoulder. 'How did it become such a powerful message? I only thought about it a few times after I got back.'
Brown widened, then slowly closed.
She almost felt giddy. The alcohol had very little effect except burning her throat as it went down, since she had dinner not that long ago. The atmosphere was as intoxicating as the sake and for a split second she looked past who she was and the largest trial of her life to gain an epiphany never seen before.
She felt like she fit in, not on a polite basis so people wouldn't make her uncomfortable; not because she was now of their ethnicity in a way; and not really because she knew every habit. She was who she was no matter what soul she had and everyone in eyesight accepted her as friend and friend of the family. The Yamois never judged her or patronized her because of her beginning ignorance - they were always nice. The neighbors she encountered in the few parties like this seemed interested in her and her life, though they asked few questions to keep from being impolite.
It wasn't the clothes she wore, or the way her hair was done, the food she ate, or the mannerisms she tried to exhibit to fit in. Nothing alone was reason for this; it was everything at once and none of it.
That night was a small nudge in her unconscious. It had percussions she didn't know about that came out in her actions. She felt received by Inaki's family...Inaki's Japanese family. She acted on that custom without thinking of what it would make her feel inside. She assumed it was no big deal to bring that into her life; it was fun to make those meals, wear traditional clothes, and such.
As fun as it was, there were consequences she was facing. She acted it so much - Kagome's help there, but still not - it was normal. It drove her to do things she didn't think twice about.
And now it made her want to go back to Tokyo.
Permanently.
Slowly, she pulled away from Inaki and inched backward, bangs shadowing eyes. A scowl adorned her mouth, brow heavily furrowed. She didn't know if it was possible to look at him without breaking further and making talking impossible.
There was only so much or so long she could fight this urge. She had since that revelation at New Year's and the result was obvious. She could continue to stay here and try to get on with this life, but it would change her for worse instead of better. She wouldn't be the same and she would never feel like she belonged again.
"K? What it is? Please talk to me."
A tiny nod appeared. Tears clumped lashes, but she tried to hold them back. It was hard to acknowledge the feeling of needing to belong and torn at keeping a life you could easily leave for your own peace of mind. Did everything and everyone mean so little to her? She couldn't say what was on her mind - she was almost too ashamed to. Inaki should be told...since she would probably have to break up with him now.
She could see how long she lasted, really she could. These thoughts might just float into the back of her head and be disregarded after a while. A large part of her wanted to deny everything and remain here. She had an established life, why should she go gallivanting across the world for some stupid desire?! There were lots of things she used to deny herself before she met Inaki and she could do it again. Not to mention Tokyo wasn't the same as it was when Kagome lived. Things changed in a hundred years - she saw for herself.
But that would make it perfect to carve out her own little niche in that place. She would have memories from Kagome's time, but they would only help until she managed to make new ones to surpass those. Her knowledge of customs and language could land her a job in practically any field that needed English speakers.
Did she really want to risk being twice as agitated by wanting to be in a distant land with people she would be more comfortable in? Even if the populace changed a little, she was only there a week and the visit to Kagome's distant family were some of the few bad apples. The ones she encountered in her search displayed more Japanese behavior and there was a good chance if she walked outside a few times, she'd see more.
This wasn't going to go away, she could tell that right now. The pros and cons were going to eat her until she was a wreck. Again.
A sigh rushed from her lungs. The weight of her body seemed too much and she slumped forward, resting chest over thighs and thudding her forehead against tatami lightly.
He startled and rose to his knees. "K! Knock that off, you'll hurt yourself!" Hands swooped down and grasped under her arms to pull up. She didn't fight him, but didn't lend any help and he almost fell over. He gripped shoulders lightly, shaking her in need to understand. "Shikkari shite yo! What is WRONG with you?! You're not acting like yourself and you're scaring me! I demand you tell me what's tearing you up so much!"
She stared at his beautiful face for what seemed eternity. Hands drifted and cupped cheeks, feeling bittersweet. She was glad for every second they spent together, even bad times, and wouldn't take any of them back. He was her rock and never failed to make her feel so much. She had him to thank for gaining the rest of her emotions and bringing her from the shell she escaped to for so long.
"Aishite...you know that right?"
Foreboding hit him like a ton of bricks. "For you to say that now freaks me out. I love you too, but to hear that after the way you've been acting...I don't want those words. I want explanations."
Her face crumbled a little, but she nodded, not having the will to meet his eyes any longer. Arms slumped against thighs, too heavy to support anymore. "It took such a long time...so much thinking...but I eventually got it. I know now...what made me so worked up. My soul is not happy here. It had little outlets to calm me, but in the end...you can't let a bird roam free with clipped wings. You can't cage a wild animal in a place it's not supposed to be in."
Her words were supposed to help and they weren't. They were only fueling nervousness and unknown pain stabbing him. Adrenaline coursed as he watched her, taking in slouched posture and almost defeated tone. "T - toiunoha..."
Teeth bit her lip. "Kaeritai. Itsumademo."
He sat frozen, breath unable to be gathered...heart still beating in his amazement. He stared at the top of her head, barely aware of anything outside of one word. 'Itsumademo...itsumademo...'
It seemed forever until he could find strength to speak and mental function to work his mouth and summon words. It took a while to get the blaring announcement from his head that shattered his world and everything good in it. "W - wh - WHY?" He whispered, tears lining eyes. He quickly blinked them back, annoyed at himself for being so emotional. But this was not one of those times to act like a man - this was serious.
She almost lost it. Hands clenched as she dug deep to find strength long enough to get this out. He deserved that much from a retch like her. "This may very well be Kagome's last gift...the last traces of her essence crashing against mine."
"Bullshit!" A fist crashed on the floor before he leaned forward and grasped limbs, shaking her with watery eyes. "I don't believe that! Kagome has no more hold on you anymore - she hasn't for a while! You're you and I don't see anything but you. How can you give me that lame excuse?! Don't I deserve more than that??"
Tears escaped as she met his gaze. She used the pain he inflicted to keep from begging for forgiveness. She kept silent about that, not wanting him to feel guilty for hurting her. She could take this and should bear some pain in a way - he was definitely taking worse. "You deserve more than a horrible person like myself can give you..." She whispered, feeling shame build.
He shook her again, hard enough to cause neck strain. "Don't EVER say that again." He hissed, glaring. "You think that way one more time and I'll never forgive you. You do more than you think and don't feel you don't. I'll be the judge of what I deserve and right now you're all I need!"
Her face crumpled. She fell against him, clutching him and burying face in his shirt once again. "Sumimasen! Forgive me for my horrible words! Onegai! I feel so much and it's hard to make sense of it all from what I just grasped." Relief flowed when his arms eventually went around her and a hand rubbed her back. "Whether or not Kagome's influence is in play here...there is still a wish to go. It's ridiculous I know, but I think it snuck up on me when I didn't know it. Being in Tokyo...taking on and practicing so many Japanese ways...making that wish at the graveyard...I didn't know it would affect me so much."
He yanked her backward and moved chin to see her face. "WHAT wish??" He nearly barked, feeling a little panic.
She wanted to shrink back. "I - I thought it would be nice to live in that city. It's such a nice place after all... It's not smart because it's as if I'm letting Kagome live on through me by being there, but I saw for myself how much it changed. Kagome has no connections to her life anymore."
"That doesn't make it okay!" He resisted the urge to shake her again. The few he did were too many and he was loosing himself in Inuyasha's irrational anger.
But it's not often when one hears of their true love wanting to pack up and leave everything behind due to some wish.
"Why now? What makes you want to go so bad? I just don't understand how that could be so powerful against the life you have now."
An empty smile tipped her lips. "You'd be amazed at what the heart feels." She pulled away and looked to the ground, sullen and bitter. "I can fight this as long as I can. It may very well go away for all I know. I realized when we spent time together at Christmas I was being silly, but New Years together brought it all back. Your ethnicity is just better and I know it from Kagome and feel more acceptance being around your family and neighbors. Kagome doesn't come to mind though, but I do feel like I fit in. I felt it for the first time at the party and it made me soar. It was like nothing I did could be wrong. It was total and I had the chance to not worry about anything I would say or do might hurt someone."
"You're not looking at those around you good enough then." He muttered, bangs shadowing eyes. "I spent time around your friends - they already love you for who you are. It's amazing and sad to hear you talk so little of them when they've given so much. Don't you even consider that? Sam loves you like a sister and her entire family practically adopted you. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
Fists clenched. "I know that! Sam has been nothing but friendly since the day I knocked on her door looking for a room and her brothers treat me like their sister. Missy and Carl are great people and almost better than my real family."
"But..."
She sighed. "But...I do feel a little cut off from them at times. I'm not Hispanic and never will be. I can only learn their language and ways. They try to make me feel comfortable, but it's clear I'm still looking in from the outside."
"So how is that any different from MY family? You're not Japanese either."
"I am! I have it from Kagome and -"
"Kagome is in the past! She's not you and visa versa. Are you forgetting what you told me in Tokyo? How you wanted to live your own life? Will you give up yourself to be a different person? You think Kagome did that with Kikyou?? You're fooling yourself!"
She glared. "Zettai wakaranai yo! You ARE Japanese - you already belong! Don't you remember how you were when you were at the Merth's?? You even told me you felt out of place! I'm that way now! I'm not myself because of the knowledge I have, but I'm not Japanese because I don't look it and can only claim Kagome as an ancestor. I'm not in any world you or Sam live in, but I don't even know what heritage Himmen is. My original soul - Kikyou - is Japanese, so in a way I am too. That's the only thing I can ever count on anymore. I could try to live in this place for the rest of my life, but that journey to Japan did more than just a mission to find answers - it showed me a person I could be where I never could here."
They were at a mild stalemate. He didn't know what to say to get across how much she had right here. She was torn enough and if he could show or tell her she might give up this stupid, overblown notion of living across the world. He didn't want to lose her and he'd do anything it took to keep her by his side.
Tension was thick, but he ignored it and grasped a hand, squeezing tightly. "I know you think this way now, but give it some more thought. Onegai... You may be making a mistake here. What happens if you get all the way over there and decide it wasn't worth going for? How would you live with that choice...how would you get back if you wanted to?"
"I -"
His free hand cupped cheek and drew her face to his. "Do this for me. I know it's a lot to ask when it feels right to you...but please think. I know you might've already thought about this a lot, but think some more. We're talking an earth-shattering change here. For the both of us." Bangs shadowed his eyes as they teared up. His throat closed for a second. "I - I don't...want you to go..." He rasped.
She almost lost it. Hands pressed against his as she tried to comfort him. "S - sumimasen..." Forehead touched fingers as she tried for composure. "I shouldn't have said anything - I should've kept this to myself so it wouldn't pain you so much. I hurt you with my words. Hountoni gomen nasai..."
"You gave me the explanation I asked for." He mumbled, leaning forehead against hair. He smelled Kagome's scent, but it didn't comfort him as it always used to. This newest problem may very well have been brought on by the girl in some way, though he didn't know how. "You did nothing wrong. But please grant me what I asked for. Give it a while. You still have to finish school after all... If - if then...after the remaining two months you feel this way...I won't press you anymore."
She looked to him, torn at the pain in his voice. He almost sounded as if he was giving up and it terrified her. But in her head, she knew that would happen if she left. "I would ask you...to come with me. I'd work for the both of us to provide if that's what it took. I'd try to help you adjust as much as I could, but I have no right. I won't take you from your own life, your family and friends, and everything you know..." A hand rose and brushed over shaggy bangs to see his eyes, stroking the tufts in front of his ears fondly. "I can't be that selfish to think of you in my own needs."
He wanted to scream or hit something...hitting something would be better. He wanted to lecture her on what was selfish and what she could or could not do. He grabbed chin again, squeezing a little harder than intended in need to make her see and understand. "You have been my world ever since I knew I fell in love with you...iya, even before that. You're all I see and though I love my family very much, I am a drain on their resources. If anyone can give up their life, it's me."
Her head made to shake, but he wouldn't let her. "Iya! You have more than I do! You're more grounded and stable here than I am! Why do you think you have so little? You have more than I ever will."
"You look at the silver lining. Just as you look at the bad things in your life, so do I. I have no college experience; I work in my family's business because it's the only option I ever knew; I have vague plans for the future; I haven't bothered to make much of a life for myself...do you call that more? I'm stuck in a rut I feel little options to get out of." A humorless snort left him as he let her go. "Maybe we are in the same boat in minutely different aspects. We see the good in each other's lives and don't know why we would want to give it up, but when it comes to our own...we see only bad."
She chewed on that for a while. He was right and she nodded in agreement. She digested his words before suspicion rose and with it, hope.
She dared look at him, eyes wide. "D - does that mean... Anata hountoni..."
He dully looked at the kitchen, staring at the far wall. "Wakaranai. I haven't given it thought. I still think you haven't either. That's why I say you should pick this apart more than anything you've ever done. I want you to be one hundred, no, two hundred percent sure this is what you want. I will support you if that's what you decide and I will do what I can to help you. My family has contacts due to our business and if necessary, we can get your name over there to help you get comfortable...if you end up leaving."
How could he be so willing when she knew it hurt him to say that?? She wanted to take back her words upon hearing his, but that was impossible. "Ee..." She felt bold resting a hand on his knee, too scared to do so despite the utter leeway as his girlfriend. "If...if I decide to go...I would be happy if you came. I won't say anymore because I don't want to sway your judgment. I feel bad for causing such a problem between us. I'm ashamed of the way I acted."
After a second, his hand covered hers, eyes still boring holes in paint. "This is not a problem. This is your heart's desire, isn't it? In some unknown part of your mind, you may have wanted to remain in Tokyo when we had to leave. It just came out after so much time away from the place you may've wanted to be in all along. There is no reason to be humiliated for that. Tatoe omae wa hountoni satte...omae o zettai ore wasuranai yo."
He deserved someone better than her. That sentence proved it. To say such a thing while feeling as he did...she felt such compulsion to give up everything and be by his side.
But as much as her emotions were leading now, they wouldn't be that way later. She couldn't ignore the facts swirling in her head and couldn't bypass the issue just like that.
"I'll think about it. I'll do that over-thinking I'm good at and tear the thought to pieces examining it. Yakusoku."
He nodded. "Un."
I am a BEGINNER Japanese learner...so if these are not 100 correct...please let me know if you care to do so. I only have a web page to learn from, a dictionary, and a few months experience to work with.
Translations: Dashi-Stock/broth used in a lot of soups and meals for flavor Mirin-Type of sweet sake used in cooking Itokonyaku-Member of the Taro potato family and made in noodle strings
Niku jaga-Type of stew with some broth at bottom Ja-See you Hisashiburi-It's been a while/It's been a long time K - ka...eraitai-I - I...want to go back Mou yamero-Stop it already
T - toiunoha-That means/This means/You mean Itsumademo-Forever/For good Onegai-Please/I beg (of) you Zettai wakaranai yo-You definitely don't get it
Hountoni gomen nasai-I'm really/very sorry Anata hountoni-You really Wakaranai-I don't know
Tatoe omae wa hountoni satte...omae o zettai ore wasuranai yo-Even though/if you really/actually leave...I'll never forget you (Can also be flipped around if translation is off)
Spanish language will be translated underneath when it appears together. This language will be correct, as I have half put half a decade into learning.
Translations: Hola hombre-Hello/Hey man