Chapter 4
As they started walking together, Merrill reached for Alicia's hand.
"It is OK if I hold your hand, considering that I'm your fiancé and all?" he asked, his voice laced with sarcasm.
Alicia pushed his hand aside and said, "If you're gonna joke around, we can talk another time."
A sign caught Merrill's attention and he deviated from what he was going to say.
"Ali, if I joined the Army, would you come with me?"
"Me? The Army? Don't think so."
"I wanna go in there- just for a second. I'll be right back."
"I thought we were supposed to talk."
"Give me five minutes, babe."
He kissed her hard on the lips and said, "I'll be right back."
Alicia window-shopped and waited patiently for Merrill. Ten minutes passed, and she grew tired of waiting. She went back to the recruit office, in the middle of a conversation that the recruiter and Merrill were having.
"Shit. I know you. You're Merrill Hess. I was there that day you hit that five hundred and eighty seven footer over the left field wall and set the record. That thing had a motor on it... It's still the record right?
Alicia could see in Merrill's eyes that it hurt him to reminisce about his minor league career.
He replied, "I got the bat at home... On the wall."
"You got two minor league home run records, don't you?"
"Five. The five longest."
"Boy, why aren't you in the pros making stacks of cash and having your toes licked by beautiful women?"
An unwanted stranger's voice echoed across the room.
"Because he knocked up the minister's sister-in-law-and he also has the minor league strike out record."
Alicia had been so quiet about slipping in to the office that no one had seen her. She slowly opened the door and left. She sat on a nearby bench and held her head in her hands.
'Is that what people really think of me as? The minister's sister-in-law who got knocked up by the baseball superstar?'
Merrill finally came out of the office, and walked right past Alicia.
"Merrill!"
He turned around and walked to her.
"Sorry. I didn't see you."
"Hey, I came into the office, but you didn't see me. I heard what Lionel Pritchard said. I'm glad we have such a great reputation here in Bucks County."
"No, that's just all in his warped, idiotic mind. He's...he's just jealous because he never had the career I did, and he'll probably never even be in the presence of someone as beautiful as you."
Alicia had been staring at the ground the whole time Merrill was talking to her.
He lifted her chin with his fingertips and said, "Let's go sit over there. There aren't a lot of people in that area."
They walked to another bench that was secluded by the majestic branches of an oak tree.
"You know," Alicia said, "we're supposed to meet Graham and the kids in 5 minutes."
"Then we'll start our conversation now and finish later."
He took her hands in his and stroked them as he talked.
"Ali, have you thought about...you know, maybe seeing a therapist?"
"I don't need a therapist."
"I think you need to talk to someone."
"I talk to you. And Graham sometimes, too."
"I mean, someone who's not a member of this family. Someone who'll approach your story with a whole new look."
"So you're saying you don't want me to talk to you?"
"You're twisting my words. You do that a lot lately, and I hate it. You're blocking me out of everything you do and say, and it's more frustrating than anything I've ever dealt with in my entire life. I want to be there for you, and you're making me feel like I'm doing an inadequate job, when I know in my heart that I'm not. It's killing me to see you go through these mood swings. One minute, you're happy and playful...and then you're angry and bitter. I don't know what to do, Alicia. But I do know one thing- there's no way in hell I'm giving up on us. You're my soulmate. Even after the baseball was over, and we weren't living that life anymore, you stuck by me. There were people who totally forgot that I even existed...but you still loved me despite my flaws. And I... "
Merrill's voice choked up and his eyes started to fill with tears.
"I can't lose you," he whispered in a shaky breath, "because you are my life."
Alicia was at a loss for words. She leaned over and kissed Merrill gently on his lips twice.
"You're not going to lose me, Merrill."
He sniffled and wiped his eyes, letting out a quick laugh.
"Do you see what you do to me?"
She looked up at the sky and said, "You know what I love more than anything in this world?"
"Marshmallows? Cause God only knows how many you ate yesterday."
Alicia broke into hysterical laughter and said, "You totally killed the moment."
"Did I? Well, what were you going to say?"
She kissed his cheek and said, "You, Merrill Hess. You."
He turned his face towards hers and looked into her eyes.
"I want you to promise me something."
"What?"
"That anytime you're upset or angry or sad, you'll talk about it...whether it's to me or Graham or whoever. It's unhealthy to hold your feelings in the way you do. Plus, I hate it more than anything when you give me the silent treatment for no reason. So, you promise?"
"I promise."
Merrill moved closer to her face, so that they were inches apart from each other. He planted a kiss on her lips between each word he spoke.
"I...love...you...Alicia...Nicole...Spencer."
"I love you more."
He stood up and held his hand out to her.
"I don't think that's possible."
They walked about a block down the street to the pizza place and saw Bo and Morgan sitting outside.
"Where's your dad?" asked Alicia.
"He's not here yet," said Morgan, "But look at this book I got."
Alicia took the book from Morgan's hands and skimmed through it.
"Extraterrestrials, huh?"
"I'll let you read it when I'm done."
"No thanks. I don't exactly thrive on scaring myself to death."
They went into the restaurant and sat at a table. Before Merrill could sit down, Bo and Morgan sat down on both sides of Alicia.
"I'm gonna go order," he said.
As he walked away, he ruffled Morgan's hair.
"Keep your hands off my girl," he said with a smile.
A few minutes later, after they had just sat down with their food, Graham rushed in.
"Pharmacy crowded?" asked Merrill.
"I don't want any one of you spending time with Tracey Abernathy alone. Is that understood?"
They all nodded and looked at each other with puzzled expressions. At that moment, a man passed by the window they were sitting near. As he passed by, his face froze when his eyes met Alicia and Graham's.
"Is that him?" asked Morgan.
"Yeah," Merrill replied, with a heavy sigh.
Tears of anger were forming in Alicia's eyes.
Bo asked, "Who is he?"
No one spoke. Instead, they all watched as the man got in his car and drove away. Merrill noticed that Alicia was still staring.
"Ali? You there? Ali?"
She slowly stood up and said, "Just when I think that I've made a giant step forward, I see Ray Reddy and everything goes back to square one. I'll be outside."
Merrill tried to stop her.
"Alicia, wait. You don't... "
Before he could finish, she had hurried outside. A woman walked by with a stroller and Alicia's heart filled with anguish. She was certain that her life had been completed six months ago. She was closer to Colleen- who she not only considered to be an older sister, but a best friend- and spending more time with the kids and Graham. Not only that, but she was living in Philadelphia with Merrill, engaged, and expecting a baby. But then there was that Sunday night. Merrill was working, so Alicia, who was about seven months pregnant at the time, decided to drive to Bucks County to spend the evening with Colleen. When she got there, the night air was so beautiful that she convinced Colleen to go on a walk with her. The kids were with Colleen and Alicia's mom, and Graham had been at the church. As they walked that night, Alicia went on and on, talking about how Merrill was more excited about the baby than she was and how they wanted Graham to marry them-and then headlights blinded them. Thinking of her younger sister before herself, Colleen pushed Alicia out of the way, and Alicia watched in absolute horror as the SUV plowed Colleen into the tree.
"Ali?"
Alicia jumped and tried to catch her breath. She turned around and saw Merrill standing behind her.
"Merrill. You...you scared me."
"What were you thinking about?"
She couldn't be strong anymore.
Her voice broke into a sob as she said, "Colleen. God, Merrill, I miss her so much."
The car was nearby, so Merrill brought her there and opened the backseat doors. They sat in the backseat and Alicia sobbed into Merrill's chest.
"I'm sorry," she said, "for crying like this. I know I should be over this by now."
"None of us will ever be over it, baby. It's good that you're letting your emotions out."
"Everyone's probably staring at me," she said, with a halfhearted laugh.
"They're not staring at you because you're crying," Merrill said, as he wiped her tears away, "they're staring because you're the most beautiful woman they've ever seen. Sometimes I ask myself what I did to deserve someone like you."
"That's funny, because I ask myself the same thing."
They looked deep into each other's eyes, and before Alicia knew it, Merrill's lips were on hers. They kissed for a good two minutes or so and then smiled at each other.
"Are you OK now?" asked Merrill.
Alicia nodded and said, "Thanks to you."
"Hey, I have an idea."
"What?"
"Let's get married."
"Aren't we already getting married?"
"No, I mean, we should physically go get married. We could go to the courthouse in Philly and... "
Alicia's eyes deviated from Merrill's to the ground.
"I always wanted Graham to marry us," she said in a low tone.
Merrill sighed in disappointment and replied, "Maybe we could convince him to do it."
"I don't know...he seems like he's not going to be spreading the words or marrying anyone anytime soon. And besides, we should get to know each other just a bit more before we step into such a big commitment. We shouldn't rush into marriage."
"Well, so much for that idea."
"Merrill... "
"Uncle Merrill! Open the door!"
Morgan and Bo were standing at the door of the car. Merrill got out and stood next to Graham, who was by the hood of the car. As Alicia helped Bo into her carseat, she watched Merrill and Graham have an indiscreet conversation about something. It was obviously about her, because their eyes would glance at her, then dart away. Then Graham looked at her the way a father looks at a rebellious daughter. Then the two men got in the car silently. The rest of the trip home, no one spoke- that is, until they pulled into the driveway. The baby monitor that Morgan was holding began making strange noises.
"What if Bo's baby monitor is picking up signals from the extraterrestrial?"
Merrill turned around and said, "This crop stuff is just a bunch of nerds who never had a girlfriend-they're, like, 30 now. They make up secret codes and analyze Greek mythology and make secret societies where other guys who never had girlfriends can join in. They do stupid crap like this to feel special. It's a scam. Nerds were doing it 25 years ago and new nerds are doing it again."
Bo replied, "How come they can't get girlfriends?"
Alicia unbuckled her seatbelt and said, "I'm going in the house. You guys have fun playing Let's Find the Aliens."
She opened the car door and headed towards the garage house. She threw her purse onto the bed and stretched out across the unmade covers. The answering machine was blinking, so she checked the message that was on it.
"Ali, it's Mom. I was thinking about you and was just calling to say hello. Call me back when you get this message. I love you! Bye."
Alicia picked up the cordless phone nearby and dialed her parents' home in Drexel Hill. It rang twice and finally someone picked up.
"Hello?"
"Dad, hey. It's me."
"Ali! How are you, sweetheart?"
"I'm fine. How are you?"
"Great. Just got done cutting the lawn. It's a beautiful day, isn't it? You and Merrill should come up for dinner tonight."
"Maybe, Dad."
"So, how is Merrill?"
"He's doing great."
"Playing any baseball?"
"Not lately."
"Such a waste. He was destined for the majors."
"Dad, can we talk about something besides Merrill's baseball career?"
"Sorry. Hey, here's your mother- she wants to talk to you."
"OK, Dad. I'll talk to you later. I love you."
"I love you too, sweetie."
There was a short pause and then Alicia's mom came on.
"Hi, sweetheart."
"Hey Mom."
"You sound preoccupied. Do you want me to call you back?"
"No, no. That's the last thing I want."
"Ali, what's on your mind?"
"A lot, Mom...a lot."
* * * * * * * * * *
As they started walking together, Merrill reached for Alicia's hand.
"It is OK if I hold your hand, considering that I'm your fiancé and all?" he asked, his voice laced with sarcasm.
Alicia pushed his hand aside and said, "If you're gonna joke around, we can talk another time."
A sign caught Merrill's attention and he deviated from what he was going to say.
"Ali, if I joined the Army, would you come with me?"
"Me? The Army? Don't think so."
"I wanna go in there- just for a second. I'll be right back."
"I thought we were supposed to talk."
"Give me five minutes, babe."
He kissed her hard on the lips and said, "I'll be right back."
Alicia window-shopped and waited patiently for Merrill. Ten minutes passed, and she grew tired of waiting. She went back to the recruit office, in the middle of a conversation that the recruiter and Merrill were having.
"Shit. I know you. You're Merrill Hess. I was there that day you hit that five hundred and eighty seven footer over the left field wall and set the record. That thing had a motor on it... It's still the record right?
Alicia could see in Merrill's eyes that it hurt him to reminisce about his minor league career.
He replied, "I got the bat at home... On the wall."
"You got two minor league home run records, don't you?"
"Five. The five longest."
"Boy, why aren't you in the pros making stacks of cash and having your toes licked by beautiful women?"
An unwanted stranger's voice echoed across the room.
"Because he knocked up the minister's sister-in-law-and he also has the minor league strike out record."
Alicia had been so quiet about slipping in to the office that no one had seen her. She slowly opened the door and left. She sat on a nearby bench and held her head in her hands.
'Is that what people really think of me as? The minister's sister-in-law who got knocked up by the baseball superstar?'
Merrill finally came out of the office, and walked right past Alicia.
"Merrill!"
He turned around and walked to her.
"Sorry. I didn't see you."
"Hey, I came into the office, but you didn't see me. I heard what Lionel Pritchard said. I'm glad we have such a great reputation here in Bucks County."
"No, that's just all in his warped, idiotic mind. He's...he's just jealous because he never had the career I did, and he'll probably never even be in the presence of someone as beautiful as you."
Alicia had been staring at the ground the whole time Merrill was talking to her.
He lifted her chin with his fingertips and said, "Let's go sit over there. There aren't a lot of people in that area."
They walked to another bench that was secluded by the majestic branches of an oak tree.
"You know," Alicia said, "we're supposed to meet Graham and the kids in 5 minutes."
"Then we'll start our conversation now and finish later."
He took her hands in his and stroked them as he talked.
"Ali, have you thought about...you know, maybe seeing a therapist?"
"I don't need a therapist."
"I think you need to talk to someone."
"I talk to you. And Graham sometimes, too."
"I mean, someone who's not a member of this family. Someone who'll approach your story with a whole new look."
"So you're saying you don't want me to talk to you?"
"You're twisting my words. You do that a lot lately, and I hate it. You're blocking me out of everything you do and say, and it's more frustrating than anything I've ever dealt with in my entire life. I want to be there for you, and you're making me feel like I'm doing an inadequate job, when I know in my heart that I'm not. It's killing me to see you go through these mood swings. One minute, you're happy and playful...and then you're angry and bitter. I don't know what to do, Alicia. But I do know one thing- there's no way in hell I'm giving up on us. You're my soulmate. Even after the baseball was over, and we weren't living that life anymore, you stuck by me. There were people who totally forgot that I even existed...but you still loved me despite my flaws. And I... "
Merrill's voice choked up and his eyes started to fill with tears.
"I can't lose you," he whispered in a shaky breath, "because you are my life."
Alicia was at a loss for words. She leaned over and kissed Merrill gently on his lips twice.
"You're not going to lose me, Merrill."
He sniffled and wiped his eyes, letting out a quick laugh.
"Do you see what you do to me?"
She looked up at the sky and said, "You know what I love more than anything in this world?"
"Marshmallows? Cause God only knows how many you ate yesterday."
Alicia broke into hysterical laughter and said, "You totally killed the moment."
"Did I? Well, what were you going to say?"
She kissed his cheek and said, "You, Merrill Hess. You."
He turned his face towards hers and looked into her eyes.
"I want you to promise me something."
"What?"
"That anytime you're upset or angry or sad, you'll talk about it...whether it's to me or Graham or whoever. It's unhealthy to hold your feelings in the way you do. Plus, I hate it more than anything when you give me the silent treatment for no reason. So, you promise?"
"I promise."
Merrill moved closer to her face, so that they were inches apart from each other. He planted a kiss on her lips between each word he spoke.
"I...love...you...Alicia...Nicole...Spencer."
"I love you more."
He stood up and held his hand out to her.
"I don't think that's possible."
They walked about a block down the street to the pizza place and saw Bo and Morgan sitting outside.
"Where's your dad?" asked Alicia.
"He's not here yet," said Morgan, "But look at this book I got."
Alicia took the book from Morgan's hands and skimmed through it.
"Extraterrestrials, huh?"
"I'll let you read it when I'm done."
"No thanks. I don't exactly thrive on scaring myself to death."
They went into the restaurant and sat at a table. Before Merrill could sit down, Bo and Morgan sat down on both sides of Alicia.
"I'm gonna go order," he said.
As he walked away, he ruffled Morgan's hair.
"Keep your hands off my girl," he said with a smile.
A few minutes later, after they had just sat down with their food, Graham rushed in.
"Pharmacy crowded?" asked Merrill.
"I don't want any one of you spending time with Tracey Abernathy alone. Is that understood?"
They all nodded and looked at each other with puzzled expressions. At that moment, a man passed by the window they were sitting near. As he passed by, his face froze when his eyes met Alicia and Graham's.
"Is that him?" asked Morgan.
"Yeah," Merrill replied, with a heavy sigh.
Tears of anger were forming in Alicia's eyes.
Bo asked, "Who is he?"
No one spoke. Instead, they all watched as the man got in his car and drove away. Merrill noticed that Alicia was still staring.
"Ali? You there? Ali?"
She slowly stood up and said, "Just when I think that I've made a giant step forward, I see Ray Reddy and everything goes back to square one. I'll be outside."
Merrill tried to stop her.
"Alicia, wait. You don't... "
Before he could finish, she had hurried outside. A woman walked by with a stroller and Alicia's heart filled with anguish. She was certain that her life had been completed six months ago. She was closer to Colleen- who she not only considered to be an older sister, but a best friend- and spending more time with the kids and Graham. Not only that, but she was living in Philadelphia with Merrill, engaged, and expecting a baby. But then there was that Sunday night. Merrill was working, so Alicia, who was about seven months pregnant at the time, decided to drive to Bucks County to spend the evening with Colleen. When she got there, the night air was so beautiful that she convinced Colleen to go on a walk with her. The kids were with Colleen and Alicia's mom, and Graham had been at the church. As they walked that night, Alicia went on and on, talking about how Merrill was more excited about the baby than she was and how they wanted Graham to marry them-and then headlights blinded them. Thinking of her younger sister before herself, Colleen pushed Alicia out of the way, and Alicia watched in absolute horror as the SUV plowed Colleen into the tree.
"Ali?"
Alicia jumped and tried to catch her breath. She turned around and saw Merrill standing behind her.
"Merrill. You...you scared me."
"What were you thinking about?"
She couldn't be strong anymore.
Her voice broke into a sob as she said, "Colleen. God, Merrill, I miss her so much."
The car was nearby, so Merrill brought her there and opened the backseat doors. They sat in the backseat and Alicia sobbed into Merrill's chest.
"I'm sorry," she said, "for crying like this. I know I should be over this by now."
"None of us will ever be over it, baby. It's good that you're letting your emotions out."
"Everyone's probably staring at me," she said, with a halfhearted laugh.
"They're not staring at you because you're crying," Merrill said, as he wiped her tears away, "they're staring because you're the most beautiful woman they've ever seen. Sometimes I ask myself what I did to deserve someone like you."
"That's funny, because I ask myself the same thing."
They looked deep into each other's eyes, and before Alicia knew it, Merrill's lips were on hers. They kissed for a good two minutes or so and then smiled at each other.
"Are you OK now?" asked Merrill.
Alicia nodded and said, "Thanks to you."
"Hey, I have an idea."
"What?"
"Let's get married."
"Aren't we already getting married?"
"No, I mean, we should physically go get married. We could go to the courthouse in Philly and... "
Alicia's eyes deviated from Merrill's to the ground.
"I always wanted Graham to marry us," she said in a low tone.
Merrill sighed in disappointment and replied, "Maybe we could convince him to do it."
"I don't know...he seems like he's not going to be spreading the words or marrying anyone anytime soon. And besides, we should get to know each other just a bit more before we step into such a big commitment. We shouldn't rush into marriage."
"Well, so much for that idea."
"Merrill... "
"Uncle Merrill! Open the door!"
Morgan and Bo were standing at the door of the car. Merrill got out and stood next to Graham, who was by the hood of the car. As Alicia helped Bo into her carseat, she watched Merrill and Graham have an indiscreet conversation about something. It was obviously about her, because their eyes would glance at her, then dart away. Then Graham looked at her the way a father looks at a rebellious daughter. Then the two men got in the car silently. The rest of the trip home, no one spoke- that is, until they pulled into the driveway. The baby monitor that Morgan was holding began making strange noises.
"What if Bo's baby monitor is picking up signals from the extraterrestrial?"
Merrill turned around and said, "This crop stuff is just a bunch of nerds who never had a girlfriend-they're, like, 30 now. They make up secret codes and analyze Greek mythology and make secret societies where other guys who never had girlfriends can join in. They do stupid crap like this to feel special. It's a scam. Nerds were doing it 25 years ago and new nerds are doing it again."
Bo replied, "How come they can't get girlfriends?"
Alicia unbuckled her seatbelt and said, "I'm going in the house. You guys have fun playing Let's Find the Aliens."
She opened the car door and headed towards the garage house. She threw her purse onto the bed and stretched out across the unmade covers. The answering machine was blinking, so she checked the message that was on it.
"Ali, it's Mom. I was thinking about you and was just calling to say hello. Call me back when you get this message. I love you! Bye."
Alicia picked up the cordless phone nearby and dialed her parents' home in Drexel Hill. It rang twice and finally someone picked up.
"Hello?"
"Dad, hey. It's me."
"Ali! How are you, sweetheart?"
"I'm fine. How are you?"
"Great. Just got done cutting the lawn. It's a beautiful day, isn't it? You and Merrill should come up for dinner tonight."
"Maybe, Dad."
"So, how is Merrill?"
"He's doing great."
"Playing any baseball?"
"Not lately."
"Such a waste. He was destined for the majors."
"Dad, can we talk about something besides Merrill's baseball career?"
"Sorry. Hey, here's your mother- she wants to talk to you."
"OK, Dad. I'll talk to you later. I love you."
"I love you too, sweetie."
There was a short pause and then Alicia's mom came on.
"Hi, sweetheart."
"Hey Mom."
"You sound preoccupied. Do you want me to call you back?"
"No, no. That's the last thing I want."
"Ali, what's on your mind?"
"A lot, Mom...a lot."
* * * * * * * * * *