We're Already There
Friday
Late October
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA
I've been sitting at my desk hovering over this file for 42 minutes, and I realize I have no idea what it says. I can't make any sense of it. I sigh, shut my eyes, pinch the bridge of my nose, then open my eyes and hope I can just get through this before the end of the day. I have to make some headway now; or it'll be more of the same over the weekend, and honestly after this week, I need a break.
I look up and the bullpen is almost empty. I didn't realize it was so late, but I'll stay a little while longer. I turn my chair toward the window for a short break before getting back into it. It's dark out already; daylight savings is almost over, and the holidays are fast approaching. Great. Maybe I'm better off being by myself anyway, I wouldn't be good company to anyone, I think to myself as I resolve to get something done before I leave, and turn back around to face the dreaded case file.
"Hey, Mac."
I almost jump out of my chair and my head jerks up to find Harm leaning against my door with one arm crossed, briefcase in the other hand.
"Are you trying to shorten my life?"
"Well, you looked like you were lost in thought. I didn't want to bother you," he replies as he walks into the office and sits down in front of my desk.
"It was working."
"Am I?"
"Am I what?"
"Bothering you?"
"No. What is it?"
"Nothing," he shrugs in reply. "It's just that we haven't had dinner in a while and I thought maybe you'd want to have dinner at my place. I'll cook. You look like you could go for a nice home-cooked meal right about now."
My shoulders sag. "I wish I could, but I have to get through this file tonight. It's been kicking my butt all afternoon; and if I don't kick back, I'll be working on it all weekend. Rain check?" I ask hopefully.
He nods and then stands to leave. "Just say when, okay?"
"Okay. Soon." I promise and give him a smile.
Harm is almost through the doorway before he turns around again and stops. "I've got an idea. Why don't we go for a run tomorrow? You look like you could use one, get rid of some tension. What do you say?"
"Who, me? Tense?" I respond with a laugh that doesn't quite make it to my eyes. "Am I that transparent?"
"Mac, I've known you for a long time. You look like you could use a day off. When was the last time you took one? Never mind, I know the answer, and it's too long. So come with me tomorrow."
I consider the offer. Sure sounds like a good idea. I've been isolating myself too much lately; it'd be good for me to get out. "You're right, it's been a while, hasn't it? Maybe this will be just what I need."
"So is that a yes?" he asks hopefully.
Oh, why not. "Okay, 0700."
"Rock Creek Park, 0700," he replies with a winning smile.
"The usual spot. Oh and Harm, if you're late, I'm starting without you."
"I'll be there," he says with a smirk and exits the office, whistling on his way to the elevator. I open the case folder and suddenly it doesn't feel so insurmountable.
Friday
Harm's Apartment
I open the door to my apartment and step inside. I'm by myself tonight. Mattie is going to be spending the weekend with her father, and I check my watch. She should be here any minute to say goodbye. I head up the stairs to my room to put some comfortable clothes on. Looks like it's just going to be me and my guitar tonight; not that I mind, because Mac and I are going to run in the morning and I'm looking forward to it. Finally, she agreed to do something with me. I was beginning to think...well, it doesn't matter now.
The phone rings and I reach over the bed to answer it. "Rabb."
"Hi, Harm. It's Alicia. Listen, I know it's probably short notice, but I thought I'd take the chance and ask if you're not doing anything, if you might be interested in letting me take you out to dinner tonight. I know this little place that has a great..."
"Alicia, I appreciate the offer. I hope I didn't give you the wrong impression the other night at dinner, but, um...I'm sort of involved with someone."
"How can you be sort of involved?" she asks lightheartedly.
"Well, I'm a little more involved than she is right now, but I hope that's going to change. We're a work in progress."
"I see. Then why don't we have dinner...as friends? There's nothing wrong with having dinner with a friend. And I owe you. Say yes."
I hesitate and think about it for a few seconds....okay, more than a few seconds. She's right, it couldn't hurt anything, it's just dinner. "How about I meet you there in about half an hour?"
"Okay, The Dubliner in Georgetown, half an hour. I'll be waiting out front. See you then." And she hangs up.
I hang up the phone and finish dressing, then make my way down into the kitchen area when Mattie walks in with her overnight bag. "Hey, Harm."
"Hi, Mattie, how was school today?" I'm a little distracted because I can't locate my keys. I must have left them in my uniform pants again; I usually toss them on the counter. I pass her on the way back up the stairs.
"Not bad. I'm glad it's Friday. Looking for something?" she asks.
"My keys. I'll be right back." I was right; they were in my pocket. Back down the stairs to Mattie.
"Got a hot date?" she asks, a little too inquisitively.
"No, just dinner with someone. You don't know her."
"Her? Her who? What happened to Mac?"
"Mac is at home. I invited her for dinner but we're going running tomorrow instead...and why am I explaining myself to you, anyway?" I shoot back, a little too defensively.
"I thought you said you love her. You can't go out with someone else," she states defiantly.
"This has nothing to do with love, Mattie. I just want to have some dinner, okay? I'm not going to marry this woman."
"Big mistake, Harm," she replies, shaking her head.
"Why is that?" I'm sure she'll tell me but I'm just as sure I don't want to know.
"What if Mac sees you? She'll think you're going out with this....this....and then what are you going to do? I thought you said you guys were making progress; at least that's what you told me. If I was Mac and I saw you with her, I know what I'd think."
Exasperated, I sit down hard on one of the stools and look her directly in the eye. "Mattie, for one thing, Mac knows her, and as much as I love Mac, it's okay to have a platonic dinner with a colleague. I'm not going to worry about it, and you shouldn't either, okay? Trust me." But as soon as the words are out of my mouth, I knew she had planted a seed, and I knew I'd think about it all night.
A horn honks, and Mattie moves to the window and looks outside. It's her father, she says, and we walk together to the elevator and take it down to the street without talking. She says goodbye, and we wish each other a good weekend. As I watch them drive away, I can see the disappointment in her eyes.
It's just dinner.
Friday
JAG Headquarters
I leave JAG and make my way to the car breathing a sigh of relief. Finally I feel like I made some progress on that case. Okay, well, not enough, but it it's a start. I'm bringing the offending file home with me and if the mood strikes me I'll get back into it. But really, all I want to do is go home, have a nice quiet meal, take a hot bath, and go to bed.
I open the car door and throw my briefcase on the front passenger seat, and there they are, the DVDs I rented 5 days ago, just like they were this morning. Great, now I don't have a choice, they're already a couple of days late. I don't know why I keep forgetting them. No wait, I do. It's because the video store is out of my way, and I've been too lazy, so I head toward Georgetown Video.
That finally taken care of, I'm standing at the crosswalk with the hoards of people waiting for the light to turn. I look around me. This place is a zoo on Friday night, no wonder why I don't get out much. Too much humanity for me right now, I just want to hibernate. I have a hot date with my tub and my favorite bubble bath.
Finally the light changes and we start across. And then I spot someone....is that who I think it is? I stop in the street, my heart starts to race and my mouth drops open. People are bumping into me, turning to look at me, trying to wonder what this crazy person is doing stopping when she should be crossing to the other side. Some of them give me dirty looks, but I don't see them. All I can see is Harm, in front of the restaurant on the other side of the street. He's talking to...Alicia, they're standing there and smiling at each other. Harm says something and Alicia laughs. Then they walk toward the door and he opens it for her. She steps inside and he follows.
I jump out of my skin and my hand clutches my chest when a horn honks at me. I realize that I'm still standing in the street. It's too far to the other side and I turn around and run back the other way as the driver of the vehicle admonishes me. Have a nice day! Jerk. I take the time for the next light cycle to process what I've just seen. It's not an illusion. And I dread crossing the street because I have to pass by the restaurant to get to my car.
The light changes, the walk sign flashes at me, and I'm pulled forward by the sea of people milling around me, enveloping me in a safe cocoon, for now, until I get to the other side. And I'm there too quickly. I really don't want to know what they're doing. Well, it's obvious what they're doing; they're having dinner. Harm asked me to dinner tonight – did he ask her first? No, probably not. I'm the one who turned him down.
I have every intention of walking right by the restaurant without stopping. God, if Harm sees me he'll probably think I followed him. But against my silent protestations, I find myself standing at the window, perusing the menu as if I'm curious to know what specials they're having tonight, and I peer inside. I spot Harm and Alicia sitting at the bar with their backs to me thankfully, drinking wine and talking, and the hostess comes to get them and they stand and follow her. He has his hand lightly on Alicia's back, and they keep walking until I can't see them anymore.
I rush away, so glad they didn't see me watching them, and I run to my car, open it and get inside in record time. I put on my seat belt, turn on the ignition, and the radio comes on, playing some sad love song. I sit back, defeated, expelling the breath I didn't even know I was holding.
I stab the button to the radio. Okay, I have to think rationally. I cover my face with my hands and take a few deep breaths. Harm asked me to dinner; I said no thanks. Okay. He calls Alicia? Alicia calls him? I don't know about that, I'm not sure. I shrug. So they're having dinner, big deal. Doesn't mean it's a date, right? Look of indignation. It's none of your business what Harm does on his own time. Look of sadness. Would have been nice if he'd told me; I'd have told him if I was going somewhere, right? Stop it.
I get myself together, put the car in gear and drive away and in a few minutes I'm home. I make my way upstairs and take all my clothes off and shrug into my robe. I walk to the phone and see if there are any messages. Maybe Harm called to see if I changed my mind? No.
Walking to the kitchen, I work by rote: open the refrigerator, pull out last week's Moo Shoo Pork, one sniff and it's in the garbage; open cabinet, look around, can of soup? Sure, why not. Open can, put in bowl, water, microwave, spoon, walk to table, sit, eat soup. Thinking, slurp. Thinking, slurp, until I'm finally finished. Bowl placed lightly in sink, spoon thrown in sink. To the bedroom, turn on bath water. Lots of bubbles, too many, but who cares? Drop robe. Get in tub. Turn off faucet. Lean back. And cry.
An hour later, I feel like a 120-pound prune. Better, but I'm still arguing with myself. It's stupid of me, I really shouldn't get upset, I mean it's not like Harm shouldn't have a life. We're not dating or anything, so why am I so miserable? Because I want it to be me, I want it so badly to be me. Silly way to think considering I was the one who said no to dinner tonight, so I only have myself to blame. Listen to me arguing with myself, no wonder I need a shrink.
I towel off and get into bed. It's relatively early but I just want to close my eyes and not think for a while. Hopefully my mind will turn itself off, and I'll get some sleep tonight. I pull the covers over me and turn out the light. And think of how I'm going to react when I see Harm tomorrow.
Friday
The Dubliner
The food is good. There is a guitar player here performing who is very entertaining. The only problem is that I'm here with Alicia and not Mac. I can't help but think it the minute we walk in the door: I should be here with Mac. But Alicia is nice and we engage in small talk in between sets of music and share a few laughs. It's good to get out for a while.
We leave the restaurant, and I walk Alicia to her car and say good night. Maybe she wants to kiss me, but I think my body language says no, because she doesn't try. I'm flattered by the attention, but relieved that this night is finally over. Alicia gets into her car and drives away, and I know it'll be a long time before we get together again, if ever.
I arrive home and take my jacket off. I'm wired; I've had several glasses of wine over the course of the evening. I open the refrigerator and grab an open bottle and pour myself a glass, and then another. I sit in bed and play my guitar and think of Mac. And some time during the night I fall into a deep sleep.
Saturday
Rock Creek Park
He's late. He said he'd be here. I don't have to look at my watch, but I do anyway, just to be sure. It's 7:03. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but I have a bad feeling. I check my cell phone; even though it's on sometimes it doesn't ring: nothing, call my apartment to check my messages: nothing. I wait for a few more minutes, leaning against the car and thinking he'll be here soon, he's probably on his way. I call his phone but there's no answer. He doesn't show up. It's 7:14. I turn off my phone and throw it on the passenger seat. Suddenly the idea of running alone doesn't appeal to me. Sighing, I get back in the car and drive slowly away.
Saturday
Harm's Apartment
My eyes open suddenly and I search quickly for the clock. Silently hoping it's only 6:30, I curse out loud. It's 6:58. I'm going to be late. Damn it, I never sleep this late. I shouldn't have had the extra wine. Without thinking, I jump up and run into the bathroom, brush my teeth and drag a razor quickly over my face, cutting myself in three places. I jump into the shower and the phone rings. I race to answer it, "Mac, I'm on my way," I say breathlessly into the phone but there's only a dial tone. I hang up and call her cell phone but it goes right to voice mail. She said if I was late she'd start without me and I'm hoping that'll be the case. It's 7:08 and I calculate it'll take me about five minutes to get there in good traffic, but it's Saturday. In any case, I'm pretty confident she'll still be there. She might not be happy, but she'll be there. I turn the shower off, throw on some shorts and a tank and race out of the building. Please be there.
Saturday
Rock Creek Park
I can't go home. I can't stand the thought of going back to my empty apartment and fall apart again. I refuse to do it. I need time to clear my head, so instead of going home my car steers me onto the beltway and heads north to anywhere.
Why is this so important to me? Why can't I let it go? You need to find the answer to those questions, I tell myself, but whom am I kidding? I already know the answer. I'm still in love with him. After all these years and through it all, I never stopped loving him. I don't want him to move on, because if he does, it'll be without me.
Saturday
Rock Creek Park
I drive as fast as I can but with all the Saturday traffic, I catch every red light. Perfect. Come on, come on, people, out of the way, I'm on a mission here! I say out loud to no one. Finally I pull into the parking lot and search the line of cars for Mac's Corvette. I don't see it. I circle a couple more times just to be sure. She's gone. I look at my watch with disgust. It's 7:15. I slam my hand against the steering wheel. Damn it. I pick up my cell and call her again. Voice mail. I turn my car around and head over to Mac's apartment. She's not here. I try her phone one more time. Nothing. As I drive back to my apartment, all I can think is that she's going to be a force to be reckoned with.
Sunday Morning
Mac's Apartment
I can't believe I slept for so long. I stretch my arms and legs like a cat. Wow, I realize, it's 7:30. A ray of sun is peeking through the blinds and I roll over and pull the covers over my head. I spent a good part of the day and night driving yesterday...and thinking, of course. Whoever said, "Wherever you go, there you are," wasn't kidding, I couldn't get out of my head. But when I finally got home I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it's too late for us, it wasn't meant to happen. I lie in bed and hold my pillow close to me, my thoughts taking me on a trip to the past. Harm and I are friends, we always will be, but to think there could be something more is just a dream I have to let go of before it becomes unhealthy. No more dance, no more games. It's the best thing for Harm to get married and have the children he's always wanted. Yeah, it's going to be fine...I'll support him the way he's always supported me, I'll be the best friend he could hope for. As long as we're friends it'll be okay, we'll always have that.
Now I could use that run, it's time to face the day. I get out of bed with renewed determination, get dressed and head out the door.
Sunday Morning
Harm's Apartment
I didn't sleep very well last night. I tried several times throughout the day yesterday to get in touch with Mac, to no avail. It's pretty safe to assume she doesn't want to talk to me. But that was yesterday, I reason with myself as I shower. I don't think she can hold a grudge that long; today's a new day. Or maybe I should wait until Monday. Nope, not a good idea, don't want any bad thoughts of Mac's to fester, especially where I'm concerned.
I dress quickly and grab my keys. I have to talk to her. I make my way over to her apartment and I'm a little surprised to see her car is not there. And then I think, maybe Mac could be at the park, running. I should take the chance, and before I finish the thought I'm already on my way.
Bingo. I'm so relieved as I park my car a couple of spots away from Mac's. Now all I have to do is find her. I run for about 5 minutes, making my way through her route in my head and figuring out where she should be. Of course I have no idea when she got here so I'm at a slight disadvantage. Finally I spot her up ahead. "Mac!"
Sunday Morning
Rock Creek Park
I look behind me when I hear my name being called. Harm, I should have known. I slow my pace without stopping, almost marking time until he catches up to me, and we continue on together.
"Harm, what are you doing here?" I ask, panting. I've been running for several miles already and I've worked up a good sweat.
"I wanted to apologize for yesterday. I tried to call you but I got your voice mail. I'm sorry for being late but I didn't expect you to be gone when I got here."
"Don't worry about it, I know you didn't do it on purpose. When I realized you weren't coming, I didn't feel like running so I went for a drive instead," I explain.
"I called your phone, stopped by your apartment, no wonder why I couldn't get in touch with you."
He called me. At least he didn't forget completely. "Yeah, well, that would be because I turned my phone off."
He gives me a strange look. "Why? You never do that."
I wave a hand dismissively. "I didn't feel like talking to anyone."
"You mean me," he says with a frown.
"No, I mean anyone. Listen, Harm, don't beat yourself up about it, okay? It happens. I'm not mad at you, so relax."
Harm looks at me skeptically and asks, "What did you do with my Mac?"
Your Mac? "I'm still here, Harm," I reply with a reassuring smile, and I punch him in the arm, "Jerk." We share a laugh and just like that, we start racing, like the old days. It's going to be okay.
Mac and I are running, more like racing, but I can beat her with one hand tied behind my back if I wanted to. Only I don't want to. She gets ahead of me, I get ahead of her, but mostly we run together, the way it should be. God, I missed this with her. How did it all get so complicated? I shove those thoughts back for now; this isn't the right time.
We race to the finish at the end of the trail, and we're dead even. We stop, and I pant hard, bent over, to catch my breath. Wow, what a workout. I look over to Mac, she's bent over also, catching her breath, hands on her knees, and I can't help but stare. She's sweaty and her t-shirt is soaked, and her hair is all over her face, but she's the sexiest woman I've ever seen. You've got it bad, Rabb, you've got it real bad.
We straighten up and by silent agreement we walk toward our cars. Mac stops at hers and opens it up to reveal some water in a small cooler on the floor of the front passenger seat, and she hands me one and takes one for herself. "Thanks."
"Welcome," is her reply and she shuts the door. We busy ourselves with re-hydrating and once we're done, we both become a little uncomfortable with the silence.
I look over to her and I can't stop the words that come out of my mouth. "I overslept. I drank too much wine, not that that's any excuse, but it's what happened." I confess as I put my arms behind me and lean onto the hood, and stare down at the ground.
"That's not like you, but you don't have to answer to me, Harm. Why are you beating yourself up over this? It's no big deal." she replies.
"I know." I say, but I have to tell her. "I had dinner with Alicia Friday night."
"Mmm hmm."
"You don't sound surprised."
"I saw you two. I had some DVDs that were overdue and I was dropping them off at the video store across the street," she replies.
Mental note: remind me to kill Mattie on Monday when she gets home for putting a voodoo curse on me.
"How was it, have fun?" she asks indifferently.
"Fun? That's not exactly the way I'd categorize it, but it was nice," I reply.
"Good. She's an attractive woman, you're an attractive man; you probably have a lot in common."
Not as much as you think, Mac. "Yeah, but there's really no chemistry there."
"What is it, your first, second date? Give it a chance," she advises me.
What is she getting at? And why did I even say anything in the first place? Now I get defensive. "No, it wasn't a date, and I'm sure she'll make someone happy one day, it's just not going to be me. She's not the one I'm interested in." There, I said it.
Mac barrages me with questions. "Really? Who are you interested in? And why haven't I heard this before?"
"In case you haven't noticed, you've been through a lot lately, Mac, and pretty well preoccupied I might add. I thought you needed to concentrate on yourself without worrying about the state of my love life."
Mac reaches out and puts her hand on my arm. "I thought we were friends. You can tell me anything, you know that, right?"
"Yes, Mac." I hesitate but ask the question anyway, "Do you really want to talk about this?"
"If you do."
I'm not so sure about this, but the words start tumbling out of my mouth and I've suddenly lost control. "You'd like her a lot, Mac. I've been seeing her a lot lately. We've been spending a lot of time together. Matter of fact, the more I see her the more I think she's the one."
"Really?" she asks, a slightly perplexed look on her face mixed with something else, I'm not sure what.
"Yeah, you know, the more time we spend together, the more I care about her. In fact, I think it's safe to say after all this time that I'm in love with her."
"That's...great, Harm." I smile before I look away. I swallow and my focus drifts to a rock on the ground, but then I shift my attention back to him. "So, when do I get to meet this mystery woman?"
"You know her," he informs me.
"I do?" What? Who?
"Mm hmm, she's kind of tall, very attractive....well, beautiful, really." He stares into the distance with a dreamy look on his face, as if he could see her there in front of him. "She's got long dark hair....it used to be short but she let it grow. Warm, inviting eyes that penetrate my soul. I could get lost in them, you know?"
"Sounds like it," I say under my breath.
"She's got gorgeous, full, kissable lips. I can't get over the taste of them. So warm...."
"Yeah, I get your point. Harm, this could be a lot of people," I reply, getting annoyed. I can't believe he's never mentioned this person to me before. "Tall, attractive, dark hair, penetrating eyes, inviting lips? I think it's safe to say that description fits a quarter of the female population. Want to cut to the chase and tell me who it is?"
Harm snaps out of his fantasy and looks at me with a smirk. "I said kissable lips, Mac."
"Whatever."
He takes one look at me and knows he's getting to me. He's enjoying this way too much. Some friend. "Suspense is killing you, isn't it?"
"No," I reply a little too quickly but then I relent. "Yes." I cross my arms.
"Okay, let me give you another hint." To which I roll my eyes. "She's a damn good lawyer."
"Gee, what a surprise." I turn my head. I can't listen to this anymore. Please. Tears sting my eyes but I blink them away. I don't want him to see me cry, I've got to be happy for him. I want to, I really do, but it's breaking my heart.
Harm pushes away from the car and comes around to face me. He reaches out and puts his hand gently on my chin and pulls it so that we're face to face. I have no choice but to face it. I can see it there, the obvious love in his eyes, I only wish it could be me he sees. Why didn't I see it before? Was I that blind?
"She's the best friend I could ever hope to have. She's saved my six more times than I can count." His words sink in as the threatening tears overwhelm me and fall in silent tracks down my face. He brushes them away with the pads of this thumbs and smiles. "She's you, Mac. I'm in love with you."
I close the gap between us and he pulls me into his arms, holds me tight. I'm still crying, but these are happy tears. All I can think is that I'm here, safe in his arms, and there's nowhere I'd rather be. This is where I belong.
This is so good, so right. This is what I've been missing for so long. She clings to me and I hold her as tightly as I can, as I silently wish for this moment to never end.
"Don't ever let me go," she whispers to me.
"I won't. Never again," I assure her. She pulls away from my chest and her eyes reach my lips, then my eyes, and I meet her halfway for a kiss we've both been waiting for. It's been a long time coming. I know we'll always meet each other halfway from now on.
We pull away, our breathing rapid and coming in short pants. "You and me against the world, huh?" she asks.
"They better look out." I say with a smile and pull her into an embrace.
"I love you Harm. You'll never know how much I've wanted this, for so long." I squeeze my eyes shut and savor those words.
"You've just made me the happiest man alive. I hope you can live with that," I tease her.
She smiles brightly. "Somebody's got to do it. I'm glad it's me. Come on, Harm, let's go home."
"We're already there," I reply as I swoop down for another kiss. Yes, we're already there.