Thought I saw you today
You were standing in the sun, then you turned away
And I knew it couldn't be, but my heart believed
Oh, it seems like something everyday
How could you be so far away
When you're still here
When I need you, you're not hard to find
You're still here, I can see you in my babies' eyes
And I laugh and cry
You're still here
I had a dream last night
That you came to me on silver wings of light
I flew away with you in the painted sky
And I woke up wondering, "What was real?"
Is it what you see and touch, or what you feel?
Cause you're still here
Oh, you're everywhere we've ever been
You're still here
I heard you in a stranger's laugh
And I hunger on to hear your laugh again
Just once again…
Thought I saw you today
You were standing in the sun, then you turned away
Away…
A soft yet strange noise woke Bo up from sleeping. She looked out of the window, grabbed her favorite teddy bear, and headed to Graham's room. She knocked, but there was no answer.
"Daddy? Are you awake? Daddy?"
Graham sat straight up in bed, after he had forced himself to wake up from the lustful dream. He was relieved to find that he was still in bed, with no Alicia in site.
"Who's there?" he asked.
"It's me, Daddy."
"Come in, sweetie."
Bo was standing beside him
"Wha..what is it, baby?"
"Aunt Ali is outside and she's crying."
"Is she?"
"Yeah. I think Uncle Merrill's sleeping. He's not outside and he can't hear her."
"I'm sure she'll be fine."
"But she's sad, Daddy."
Graham put his slippers on and replied, "I'll go outside and check on her. You go back to bed. You've got school in the morning. Only two weeks left and then summer vacation."
"Can we go to the beach?"
"Sure, sweetie. Now go to bed."
"OK. Goodnight, Daddy."
"Goodnight."
Graham walked Bo back to her room and then headed down the stairs. He walked through the kitchen and out the back door. Sure enough, Alicia was sitting on the picnic table with her head in her hands. Her shoulders were slightly shaking, and as Graham got closer, he could see that she was softly sobbing.
"Alicia?"
She jumped a little and tried to hide the fact that she was crying. Her face was tear-stained as she looked at Graham.
"I didn't think anyone would find me out here. Merrill was sleeping and..yeah. Here I am."
It's amazing, he thought to himself, she still looks so beautiful even though she's been crying.
"What's wrong?" he asked, sitting beside her.
She sniffled and wiped her eyes.
"I was, um, thinking about Colleen. It hits me so hard sometimes, like a tidal wave. I had a dream about her about a half hour ago and it was so real…I almost convinced myself that she was still alive. I've got Merrill and my parents, but sometimes I think about how she's gone and I feel so damn lost. I'm sure you feel the same way."
"I do- but not only because I loved her so much, but because I know that Morgan and Bo are going to grow up without her there now. Colleen was everything to them and for them. It's so hard sometimes and…"
Graham bit his lip to keep from crying, but it wasn't working very well. Tears rolled down the side of his face.
"That's why I'm finding so hard to forgive myself for becoming attracted to you. I love Colleen so much, despite the fact that she's not here. I was telling Merrill that I actually convinced myself that in the moment I kissed you, I saw Colleen standing in front of me. I-"
"You don't have to explain, Graham. As long as everything is OK between you and Merrill, I'm fine."
"I just don't want things between you and I to be awkward."
"I think that if you hadn't have come out here tonight, it could've been that way. Thank you."
"The last thing that I would ever want to do is come between you and Merrill. You're the best thing that's ever been in his life, and I know he's the same for you."
"He is. If he hadn't been there for me when Colleen was killed, I probably wouldn't be here talking to you right now. He's my rock."
"I think, to a certain extent, I could say the same about him myself."
Alicia and Graham looked at each other.
Graham said, "I just had a dream about you."
"I hope it was a nice one."
"I..I can't remember all of the details, but it definitely wasn't a bad dream."
Alicia smiled and said, "Good. Well, I'm gonna go back to bed. I'll see you in the morning."
"Don't remind me about tomorrow morning. I hate funerals."
"Me too. But..you gotta do what you gotta do."
"Yep. And Alicia?"
"Yes?"
"I'm always here if you want to talk."
"Thanks."
They stood up and embraced one another.
"Goodnight, Graham."
"Alicia."
Alicia made her way back to the garage house, up the stairs and into the bedroom. She climbed into bed and curled up next to Merrill. He flinched when she touched him, and he woke up.
"Hey," he whispered, "where'd you go?"
"To get some fresh air. I couldn't sleep."
"You OK now?"
"I'm great."
"Good. Now come here."
Merrill wrapped his arms around Alicia and kissed her forehead.
"I love you so much," he said, barely above a whisper, "more than anything in the world."
"I love you more."
You can do this, Ali. Come on. Be brave. Pay your respects to Tracey's family. They were there when Colleen died. You can do this. Take a deep breath and be strong, Ali.
Alicia was holding Merrill's hand so hard that he thought she was going to crush it.
"Honey," he said, "you're going to break my hand. What's wrong?"
"Tell me I can do this."
"You can do anything," he replied, kissing her temple, "I'm here with you."
She closed her eyes and sighed. Then she opened them again and looked around her. Melancholy music filled the vestibule outside of the sanctuary. Merrill and Alicia would have to walk past Tracey's casket and greet her family before they took her seats.
"Alicia, if you're going to have a difficult time with this, then we don't have to do it."
"No, no. I'll be fine. Let's go now."
Alicia loosened her grip on Merrill's hand a little and they followed another family down the aisle. With each step Alicia took, she was stepping further into the past. Specifically, seven months prior to that day. She felt the harsh déjà vu of being at Colleen's funeral and it was getting harder with each step. Alicia was doing fine until she came within a foot of the casket and saw Tracey's mother and father on the verge of sobbing. She quickly turned her head away from Tracey and looked at her parents.
"I'm so sorry. I..I'm gonna be sick…"
She ran towards a side exit and luckily, there was a restroom right there. Merrill was left frozen in his tracks.
He looked at Tracey's parents and said, "She's still dealing with Colleen's death. I'm so sorry about this."
"It's OK. We appreciate it that you took the time to be here."
"Of course. Excuse me."
Merrill rushed to the bathroom and found Alicia leaning against a wall in one of the stalls. She was in a cold sweat and looked a little pale.
"Alicia, I told you we didn't have to do this if you felt uncomfortable. You know how much I hate it when you make yourself sick like this."
She held her hand up, indicating that she didn't even feel like responding to what he had said.
"Al, I hate it because it makes me feel like I'm doing an insufficient job of supporting you."
"You never could do an inadequate job of supporting me. You are my support system. It's just that I feel like I'll never be able to move past this. It's like my mom said the other day..each day you make a step forward and on some, you fall a few steps behind. Well, I just felt like I fell down the whole damn staircase. When I saw Tracey lying there, I was almost jealous. She was such a sweet girl, and I know Colleen's probably up there with her. I'd give anything, absolutely anything, to see Colleen if only for one second. But I need to face reality. Like Graham said, she was too good for this Earth."
"I agree," he replied, gently stroking her hair.
Then he kissed her cheek and said, "Just let me know when you're ready, sweetheart."
"I'm fine now. Let's go back in."
Merrill extended his hand to Alicia's as he stood up. He helped her up and then hugged her.
"I love you," he said.
"I love you more."
Together, they quietly walked back into the sanctuary and sat in the middle pew. People still came in for a few minutes, and then Graham came out with the other pastors.
"I hope he'll be OK," Merrill whispered, "it's his first funeral since Colleen's."
"I'm sure he'll be fine."
"Yes, hi. My name is Merrill Hess and I heard that there's a position open on the faculty. Yes, I did play in the minor league. Yeah. Yep. Uh huh. Well, I have a degree in physical education and was wondering if interviews are being held for the position. They are? For athletic director? Alright. Of course. I'd love to. Tomorrow's great. 9:30 is fine. Thank you so much. Bye."
Merrill hung up his cell phone and said aloud to himself, "Mission accomplished."
It was around 11:00 the next morning. Alicia was at work, the kids were at school, and Graham was up at the church conducting yet another memorial service. So, Merrill decided to get a head start on planning for the wedding. He left the garage house and drove off to downtown Newtown. He parked directly in front of Newtown Jewelers and went inside. The store was empty, with the exception of a young woman behind the counter.
She smiled flirtatiously at Merrill and said, "I know who you are."
"Do you?"
"Of course. You're Merrill Hess. My dad loves you…well, when you were playing baseball. You retired or something, right?"
"Yeah, something like that."
"What brings you in here?"
"Well.."
Merrill looked at the girl's nametag and then continued.
"Cassie, I'm getting married and I need the perfect ring for my fiancée. I've been saving money for what seems like forever for this ring, and now I'm ready to buy it."
"Getting married, huh? She's a lucky girl."
"Thanks."
"Well, what do you think she'll like?"
"She loves white gold, not typical gold. The engagement ring she has now is really simple, but she loves it. She's not into big rocks, but I'd like to get her something that'll catch everyone's eyes."
"What does she look like?"
Merrill reached into his pocket for his wallet. He had two pictures of Alicia alone and two of them together.
"She's beautiful," Cassie said, "you two make a really photogenic couple."
"Thanks."
"So I take it that you're looking for something ultra-feminine, but glitzy."
"Yeah."
"What size is she?"
"A five, I think."
"That's what size I am," she said, holding her hand out to Merrill.
"Yeah..it looks just about the same."
After looking at several different rings, Merrill was about to give up and go somewhere else. Then he saw a ring that caught his undivided attention.
He pointed to it and asked, "Can I see that one?"
Cassie took it out and handed it to him carefully.
"It's platinum," she said, "The diamond in the middle of the three is one carat. It looks like it should be twice the price that it is, but it's actually really affordable. The payments are only $96 a month."
"Would you mind putting it on your finger? Your hands look just like Ali's."
"Sure."
Cassie put the ring on her finger as she said, "Is that your fiancée's name- Ali?"
"Yeah. Sort for Alicia."
"You sound like you really love her."
"I do…very much."
Merrill examined the ring and said, "She'll love it. She'll probably cry when she sees it."
"Well, that's good, right?"
"Of course. I want it."
"OK. Let me get the paperwork."
As she went into a back room, Merrill thought about how excited he was about the wedding.
October won't come soon enough, he thought to himself.
Alicia's shift was ending at around 7 that night, and it was 10 minutes until then. She only had one table left; a businessman who was sitting alone after the person he had met left. She approached him, with his check in hand.
"Can I get you a refill on your water, sir?"
"No, that's OK. I'll just take the check."
"I've got it on me..here you go."
The man that Alicia was serving noticed the pictures of Merrill that were plastered all over her server pad- mostly magazine and newspaper clippings.
"Is that Merrill Hess in all those pictures?" he asked.
"Yeah, it is."
"I wouldn't waste my time being a fan of his, if I were you. He's as washed up as they come. I heard he's working in some gas station on the border of town. Can you imagine that? Going from one of the best players that the minor league has ever seen, to pumping gas. Honey, you should look into idolizing and dreaming about someone else, not Merrill Hess."
Alicia placed the check down on the table and gave the man a very forced smile.
"Merrill Hess is my fiancé."
The man noticed the ring on Alicia's finger and then he caught a glimpse of a picture of them together.
"Is he really?"
"We've been together for almost three years."
"Wow. I'm really sorry."
"It's OK."
He handed her back the check and said, "Keep the change."
'Thanks. Have a great night."
"You too."
Alicia watched as he left and then said under her breath, "Asshole."
She went to the phone behind the bar and called Merrill's cell phone.
"Hey, it's me. I'm ready. OK. Bye, babe."
Alicia finished all of her closing duties, tipped out some of her co-workers, and counted the rest of the money she had left.
"$96. Not too shabby."
One of her managers approached her as she changed out of her uniform.
"Ali, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure, Miranda. What's up?"
"Well, Michael and I were talking about your employment history here."
Her stomach dropped a little.
"OK.."
"Well, you've been one of our most loyal servers here for almost two years..and frankly, we think that you're almost too good with people to be just a server."
"I don't get what you're saying."
"Michael and I could use someone to help us out. Not quite a co-manager, but an assistant manager. It would be a definite payraise from what you make now, and of course you wouldn't get tips. But you'll see a big difference financially."
Alicia laughed nervously and said, "Me? An assistant manager? But don't you have to have, like, tons of experience for that?"
"How long have you been a server?"
"Altogether..almost 8 years. I started in Drexel Hill when I was 16."
"That's plenty of experience. Let me know, or else I'll put an ad in the paper this week."
"I..I'd love to!"
"Great. We have a meeting tomorrow morning at 10. You can come to the meeting to get a feel for things, and then go into your server shift."
"So when can I start..assistant managing?"
"In about three weeks or so. There's a lot of little things you need to know."
A knock on the locked door interrupted their conversation. It was Merrill.
Miranda said, "I won't hold you up any longer. I'll see you tomorrow morning."
"Thank you so much, Miranda. I appreciate the fact that you chose me beyond words."
"You're one of our best, Alicia. You'll be great. Have a great night, sweetie."
"You too!"
Alicia grabbed her purse and her uniform and went outside to meet Merrill.
"Hey baby," he said, giving her a kiss, "how was your night?"
"Fan-flippin-tastic!"
"I never want to hear you say that again."
They got in the car and Alicia squealed at the top of her lungs.
"What happened?!" asked a confused Merrill.
"Miranda gave me a promotion!"
"A promotion? To what?"
"Assistant manager!!"
"Get out! Are you kidding me?!"
"No! In three weeks, I'll be an assistant manager at LaStalla, the finest Italian dining establishment in the Bucks County area!"
"Baby, I'm so proud of you!"
They kissed and then Merrill started driving home.
"See," he said, "I told you things are starting to change for the better. I knew-"
Alicia noticed a swerving car heading towards them and interrupted Merrill.
"Is that driver drunk or something? Be careful, Merrill."
"I will. But anyway, I-"
Suddenly, headlights blinded the both of them and Merrill yelled, "Watch where you're-"
Alicia screamed, "Merrill!!" as he lost control of the car.
Her head hit the side panel by the window and everything went black.