A/N: Sorry this chapter is so freakin long!!! I actually wanted to write more, but decided to spare everyone's eyes from falling out of their sockets..LOL..so the next chapter will elaborate more on where the end of this chapter leaves off. Hope everyone enjoys and remember to leave a review! Also, the character Lottie belongs to Zidler's Chick.. =) Much love, H.
Chapter 22
Sunlight bathed the entire bedroom of the garage house, waking Merrill. He tilted his head and looked at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was a little after 8:30 that morning. His arm was still around Alicia's shoulders, and he carefully slipped it out from underneath her. After getting out of bed and using the bathroom, he noticed something before he climbed back into the bed.
"My card," he said aloud.
He thought about waiting to read it when she was awake, but decided to open it right then and there. He sat on the edge of the bed and began to read it.
"Merrill-
Words can't describe how much you've changed my life over these past two years- but I guess I'll try. Baby, we have truly seen and experienced it all. We've had times of amazing happiness and heaven, and we've also been through the darkest moments anyone could ever have to go through. But through it all, you've stayed right by my side. To say that I love you more than life itself is so..so inadequate. If the rest of the world could see you through my eyes, every man would want to be you and every woman would want you for her own. People say that no one in this world is perfect, but to me you're pretty damn close. You love me and support me no matter what stupid or irrational things I do. My love for you is the strongest emotion I've ever felt. I believe that my love for you overpowered the grief I suffered when Colleen and the baby died. Like I've said before, I can't even imagine what emotional state I'd be in now if you hadn't been there for me. You are my breath, my life, my heart, my soul, my body- everything. Your beautiful smile inspires me to live each day to the fullest. I-"
Merrill bit his lip as a few tears rolled down from his eyes to bottom of his face. Then he continued reading.
"I hope that this will be one of a million birthdays we get to spend together. Now that I think about it, this sounds more like my wedding vows than a birthday card..oh well. Everything just rushes out when I start thinking about you. I love you times infinity and that will never, ever change.
Love always and forever,
Alicia."
Merrill placed the card down and was fighting the desperate urge to cry. As he sniffled, Alicia's eyes slowly opened.
"Good morning, handsome. What are you doing up?"
He disguised a sob with a laugh. He wiped his eyes and didn't look at her as he replied.
"I was, um, reading your card."
"Oh really? You didn't think it was too cheesy, did you?"
Merrill turned around and said, "Alicia, no one has ever remotely said anything like that about me, ever."
"Were you crying?"
"You got me."
She sat up and kissed his cheek.
"I didn't mean for you to cry, baby."
"No, it's OK. I just got really, really emotional because it's so beautiful. Thank you."
He embraced Alicia and then looked her in the eyes.
"I love you more than anything," he said.
"And I feel exactly the same- if not more."
Alicia closed her eyes as Merrill gave her a slow, wet kiss. Then she climbed back underneath the covers.
"You wanna go grocery shopping with me today? I promised Graham that I would go."
"Sure. And since we both have the evening off tonight, we should do something."
"Like…"
"I don't know. Go to dinner, catch a movie…we haven't been on a fun date in forever."
"That's true. How about you surprise me?"
"OK. Come on- let's take a shower and get out of here before we run into the afternoon rush at the store."
Meanwhile, in the main house, Graham was getting dressed in his room. As he put on his shoes. Something caught his attention- a picture of Alicia and Colleen together that rested on the nightstand by his bed.
Tomorrow, it'll be seven months since she died, he thought to himself.
The thought hit Graham like a tidal wave and he sat down on the bed. He had cried all the tears he possible could, but he still lived in a state of denial. He knew Colleen was gone, but he would never be able to accept it. He got his thoughts together and left the bedroom. As he walked to the stairs, he noticed that the door to Colleen's old workroom was open. It hurt to even look at that room, but he decided that he wanted to go in there- as a form of closure. He took a deep breath and walked towards the door.
In this room
Lives the sweet ghost
Of a lover gone away
It comes to me
Whispering of things you used to say
Between hills and valleys
And softness where we lay
The room still smelled like the perfume she used to wear. It was disheveled,
yet organized- with reminder notes and random scribblings placed among the
room. She had sketches of a dress for Bo on a desk with fabric samples. Graham
noticed a pencil on the floor and picked it up. Her teethmarks were indented in
it and he examined it carefully. Even something as trivial as a chewed pencil
made him feel closer to Colleen.
In this room
It's lonely now
In this room
I can barely breathe
This air that speaks your name
It flows through me
From each corner
And from the window frame
Where we'd watch together
For the sun to rise again
There was a closet in the room where she kept clothes that she didn't wear. Graham opened the door to the closet and noticed something on the top shelf. It was a present with pink wrapping paper and a note at the top. He reached up for it and took it off the shelf. The note hadn't been sealed yet, so he opened it and read it.
"Ali- I was out shopping with Bo yesterday and saw this outfit. I know the baby's not due until January, but I couldn't resist. My first niece deserves the best. Love always and forever, your big sis."
Graham covered his mouth and tears rolled down his face. He put the present back on the shelf and closed the door to the closet, overwhelmed by emotion.
In this room
I miss you
In this room
There's a place on the wall
A picture of you and me
In this room
I can still recall
The dreams you shared with me
And it felt like a castle
Now it feels more like a tomb
A hope chest rested against one of the walls in room and it caught Graham's eye. It had been a Spencer family heirloom that was passed down to Colleen when she was a teenager, and it meant the world to her. It was where she had kept all of her collectibles and other personal items. He walked to it and carefully opened its lid. Inside, he found pictures, letters, poems and sheet music. He took a photo album out and began looking at it. Before she had died, she had been trying her hand in photography. The first picture was of Alicia showing off her pregnancy stomach. The next one was of Bo swinging high on the swingset, her hair almost completely covering her face. She looked like a miniature version of Colleen, especially in the pictures where she was smiling. Graham could've swore he felt Colleen's presence in the room with him, and for a split second, he believed that she was actually there with him.
In this room
I remember
They say true love never dies
But sometimes lovers do
And few ever realize
The kind of love we knew
In this room
There were flowers
Sent to ease the pain
And I prayed for hours
Trying to understand
How one life passing
Could mean this love was through
Back at the garage house, Merrill and Alicia took a shower, got dressed, and then headed over to the main house to let Graham know they were leaving. When they got there, Graham wasn't in the kitchen or living room. The kids were playing in the backyard, but the TV was still on. A man was on TV, going over highlights of a baseball game from the night before.
Merrill said, "Graham's probably in his study. You can go tell him we're leaving- I just wanna see what happened during the game last night."
"OK."
Alicia climbed the stairs and called out, "Graham?"
There was no answer. She looked in his study, but he wasn't in there. Then she heard a rustling coming from Colleen's old workroom. It was still very difficult for her to go in that room as well, but she opened the partially closed door. Graham was in the corner of the room, with a pile of pictures and miscellaneous papers strewn in front of him.
He looked up and said, "I didn't even hear you come in."
"I was calling your name a second ago."
"I must've been lost in thought- I didn't even hear you."
"Well, um, Merrill and I are going to the store. Where's the grocery list you had?"
"It's on the side of the refrigerator."
"OK."
As Alicia left the room, Graham asked, "Remember this? You and Colleen used to sound amazing when you sang and played it on the piano together."
Graham handed Alicia a weathered copy of sheet music for "The Rose." She almost immediately burst into tears, but she kept her composure and bit her lip instead.
"Where did you find this?" she whispered.
"It was in this hope chest. Remember how she would stuff everything in there? Her books, her writing..everything. Tomorrow, it'll have been-"
"Seven months since the accident. I know."
"I was thinking about her and finally got the courage to come in here and look around. I can't really sit and let the thought of her not being her sink in, because if I do…well, you know how it is."
Alicia took a deep breath and handed the sheet music back to Graham.
"We'll be back soon."
"OK."
Alicia tried to leave again, but Graham stood up and said, "Wait a minute."
"Graham, I really have to go."
"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable last night. It was completely inappropriate."
"It's over and done with. But thanks for the apology."
She left the room without giving him a second look. Graham put the pictures back into the chest and closed it. Then he looked around the room one last time and left, closing the door behind him.
In this room
I can feel you
I will see you again
In this room…
"What took so long?" asked Merrill.
Alicia came down the stairs and grabbed the grocery list off of the refrigerator.
She replied, "Graham and I were, uh, talking about how well things went last night."
Deep down, Merrill still didn't trust the idea of Graham and Alicia alone. But he brushed the gut feeling aside and smiled.
"I would re-live last night every night if I could. You ready to go?"
"Yeah."
They went out to the car and began the 10 minute drive to Trenton. The whole time, Alicia silently looked out the window. Merrill noticed her solemn nature and said something.
"Honey, are you OK?"
She sighed and said, "Do you know what tomorrow is?"
"Sunday."
"No, the date."
"The 22n..the 22nd."
Merrill realized what Alicia was talking about.
"That's actually what Graham and I were talking about upstairs earlier."
"I see."
Awkward silence formed a barrier between them and then Alicia changed the subject.
"So do you have ideas for tonight?"
"Hmm..I have a couple."
"Like what?"
"You'll just have to wait and see."
They finally arrived at the grocery store and managed to find a decent parking spot. Alicia got a cart while Merrill put the top down on the car. Then they met up in front of the store.
Merrill said, "Hey, this could be our date. Spending quality time at the grocery store. We can have turkey and pastrami sandwiches as the main course and what the hell- I'll splurge for a donut as dessert. What do you think? Sounds pretty damn romantic to me."
Alicia gave him an evil glare and he laughed.
"If you really love me, you would enjoy it," he said with a pout.
"Don't pout. I hate when you pout. It makes me feel terrible when I know that I didn't do anything wrong."
"Good."
She kissed his cheek and said, "I would go anywhere and do anything with you. Even if you were serious about the grocery store date."
"I am serious."
She hit his shoulder and laughed.
"Come on, Hess. The sooner we get out of here, the sooner we can get home and relax."
About 15 minutes into their grocery adventure, they were strolling down the aisle where the bags of rice were.
Merrill picked one up and said, "Go long, Ali."
"What?"
"There's no one around. Go to the end of the aisle and catch it."
"Merrill, we are mature adults, not bored teenagers who have nothing better to do than play rice football."
"Oh come on, baby. Live a little. Now go long."
"No."
He pulled her close to him and whispered in her ear, "If you do it, then after our date tonight, I'll do things to you that you've never even fantasized about. You won't be able to walk for a week."
Alicia didn't have to think twice. She ran to the end of the aisle and held out her arms.
"Throw!"
He tossed it to her and flew across the entire aisle. But as she prepared to catch it, Alicia's watch came loose. She forgot that a sack of rice was being hurled at her, and adjusted it on her wrist.
"Ali, catch it!"
Alicia didn't heed his warning. The bag landed right at her feet, exploding everywhere. She looked up in horror to see that Merrill had high-tailed it out of the aisle, leaving her with rice in her flip-flops. She glanced about to make sure no one was around and then casually walked over to the next aisle. Merrill was red in the face, hysterically laughing.
"You abandoned me!" whispered Alicia.
"We're lucky…we're lucky no one saw us!"
"Oh, I'm so glad you find this so hysterical. At least you don't have rice in your shoes."
"Al, that was priceless- your face when the bag exploded at your feet was beyond hilarious."
"Ha ha ha."
Someone came on the intercom and said, "Cleanup assistance needed in aisle 4."
They looked at each other and burst into laughter again.
"I admit, that was kinda fun."
"I think I lost five pounds from laughing."
"OK, we should get back to shopping. You get the bagels and bread and I'll get soda. I'll meet you in the bread aisle."
"OK."
Merrill headed there and as he pulled his cart into aisle, his stomach turned to ice. There she stood, almost oblivious to the world around her. Things between them had ended so awkwardly and they hadn't really spoken since Merrill met Alicia. Suddenly, her eyes met his.
"Oh my God," she said, "Merrill?"
"Lottie."
She looked down and said, "It's been..forever."
"Yeah."
They came closer and stared at each other.
Merrill asked, "How have you been?"
"Better. I just got laid off from my job and I had to move back here."
"Back here..did you go somewhere?"
"I was in Boston for about a year."
"I see. Well, I'm sorry."
"It's OK. What about you? I heard you weren't playing anymore."
"Yeah. I'm the athletic director at Council Rocks. And I teach phys ed."
"Wow. Congratulations. How's the family?"
"Graham and the kids are great. Doing better."
"And Colleen?"
Merrill looked at her, puzzled.
"You didn't hear about Colleen?"
"No. What happened?"
"She was hit by a car. Ray Reddy, the town vet, hit her and pinned her against a tree and she died."
Lottie gasped and covered her mouth.
"Why didn't I hear anything about that? Oh my God. She was so young and such a great mom..my God. I bet you guys took that hard."
"We did. Especially Alicia."
Merrill stopped, realizing that he hadn't mentioned Alicia to Lottie.
He continued and said, "Alicia is Colleen's younger sister. She lived in New York up until about two and a half years ago. I had been acquainted with her before from family functions, but didn't know her that well. When she moved back to Pennsylvania, she came to one of my games and…I hate to sound cliched, but it really was love at first sight. Only it was the first time I was seeing her as an adult. And then I guess the rest is history."
"So you're dating Colleen's younger sister?"
"Actually, we're getting married in October."
"Wow. Getting married, huh? I guess the days of 'I feel like I'm too young to be committed' are over."
"Alicia has completely changed my life. She-"
Suddenly, a voice interrupted them.
"There you are. I had to lug this soda for what seemed like forever."
Alicia didn't look up as she put the soda in the cart.
Merrill said, "Hey, Ali, I want you to meet someone."
Alicia looked at Merrill and then at Lottie.
"Ali, this is Lottie- an old friend of mine. Lottie, this is my fiancée, Alicia."
The two woman shook hands and exchanged looks.
"You're so lucky," Lottie said, "Getting married to Merrill Hess. Guys like him don't come around very often."
"I know."
Lottie glanced at the engagement ring on Alicia's finger and thought to herself, That could've been me wearing that ring.
Alicia pointed to the ring on Lottie's left ring finger and said, "What about you? By the looks of that ring, you seem to have found someone."
"No, it's just for decoration. I can't seem to find anyone worth marrying. Well, I thought I did once, but I was wrong."
Merrill avoided Lottie's gaze, knowing that she was referring to their failed relationship.
Alicia replied, "I'm sure you will."
Lottie backed away from them and said, "Well, I've really gotta run. I've gotta get back to my parents' place. It was so good seeing you again, Merrill. And nice meeting you, Alicia."
She walked away, and then turned around.
"Hey Alicia?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't let go of Merrill. You don't want to end up in my shoes."
As she left the aisle, Alicia put the pieces of the puzzle together.
"Honey, is that the same Lottie you were talking about that time when we were at the Hollyleaf?"
Merrill nodded his head and replied, "Yep. That's her."
"That was incredibly awkward."
"You're telling me. We had a bad breakup."
"She still seems..I don't know..a little stuck on you. But I can understand why."
"I just don't get why she said that you don't want to end up in her shoes. I mean, that makes me feel terrible for hurting her like that, when I know I didn't. I saved her from being even more hurt in the end. I wasn't ready to settle down just yet, but she was. And I knew that if we got engaged, it would ruin everything. But I think I did that anyway."
"Baby, things happen for a reason. Just think- if you two had gotten married or whatnot, we wouldn't be together right now."
"I don't know about that, because we would've met up eventually…and you're the kind of girl that's worth breaking up with someone else for."
"Wow..so I'm a professional homewrecker? Gee, thanks."
"You know what I mean. And you know what? I'm tired of dwelling on this. Let's finish up and get out of here so that we can enjoy today."
He kissed her on the lips and smiled.
"I love you, Ali."
"Love you too."
Within the hour, they finished shopping and headed home. After helping Graham put all the groceries away, they went back to the garage house and relaxed on the bed.
Merrill asked, "Are you hungry? Do you wanna go grab some lunch?"
"Nah. I'd rather save room for dinner."
"But I had breakfast- you didn't."
"I'm just not hungry."
"If you say so."
Merrill turned on the TV and said, "We have a vast array of Saturday afternoon infomercials to choose from, as you can tell."
He sat on the sofa and Alicia stretched out across it, placing her head in his lap. He stroked her hair and face while he spoke to her.
"It's beautiful outside," he said, "Are you positive you just wanna stay in?"
"No..this is perfect. I love spending quality time with you like this."
Merrill ran his fingers along Alicia's arm and replied, "I agree with you."
He ran his fingers down to her elbow and then let them slide under her shirt. Slowly, they glided across her back and stopped at the back of her bra. Clasp by clasp, he loosened it.
"What are you doing?" she whispered.
"If I have your full permission, you."
She giggled and said, "Permission granted."
Merrill slipped off her shirt as she sat up. She rested against the end of the sofa and braced herself as he leaned in to kiss her. His tongue made circles around hers and then caressed the roof of her mouth. They closed their mouths into a drawn out peck, and then Alicia unbuttoned her denim skirt.
"See?" she said, "It's a good thing we stayed in. Would we have been doing this if we had gone out to lunch?"
"Maybe..I like the idea of having sex in public places."
She laughed as he kissed her lower neck and chest area.
Merrill asked, "Here or the bed?"
"Here's fine. But the blinds are wide open. The last thing we need is for the kids or Graham to see us."
Merrill got up quickly and closed the blinds, shutting them away from the world as they made love.
* * * * * * * * * * *
"Merrill, you know I HATE being blindfolded. It scares me. Where are you taking me?"
"You'll see."
Merrill adjusted his faux aviator shades and cracked up laughing as he watched Alicia squirm.
"What time is it?" she asked.
"Almost 7."
"We've been driving for over an hour. Where the hell are we going?"
"Baby, be patient. We're almost there."
Alicia pulled her legs up and sat Indian-style in the seat.
"Are we going to Manhattan?"
"No, Alicia. I'm not answering any more of your guesses. Just sit back and relax."
After another 20 minutes of driving, Merrill finally arrived at the destination.
He parked the car and said, "Stay here for two seconds, but lock your ears. If you listen close, it'll give away the surprise."
"OK, Merrill, seriously- you're freaking me out."
"Honey, trust me."
"But what if someone tries to kidnap me?"
Merrill planted a soft kiss on her lips and replied, "I'll kick their ass."
Alicia reluctantly locked her ears and sat back in the seat. She could somewhat hear Merrill open the trunk and take some things out. A few minutes later, her door opened and she jumped.
"OK, I'm gonna pick you up, because if you walk, you'll know where we are. Hop on my back."
Alicia did so and Merrill carried her to the spot where he had laid a blanket down. He carefully placed her on the blanket and then sat beside her.
He took off her blindfold and said, "Surprise."
She gasped when she opened her eyes. The sun was starting to set over the body of water that seemed to stretch on for an eternity.
"Are we in Ocean City?!" she asked.
Merrill nodded and said, "I've never been on a beach date. I figured you'd like it."
"Sweetie, I love it!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around him.
"Good."
Alicia examined how Merrill had set up the area. There was a portable radio next to them, and a small cooler.
Merrill opened it and said, "I went to Subway earlier this afternoon while you were taking your nap. I got your favorite."
"The Subway Club on Asiago bread with no tomatoes and extra banana peppers and raspberry vinaigrette dressing?"
He held it up and said, "I remembered every last little detail."
"Merrill, you rock my world."
"I wanted to bring alcohol, but you know how the beach rules are. So I also happened to remember your favorite non-alcoholic drink."
"You didn't!"
He tossed her the bottle and she squealed.
"Snapple Peach iced tea! I haven't had this in forever! I can't imagine what you have planned for dessert."
"A sunset."
"Huh?"
"I figured we could save dessert for when we get home. That way we can enjoy the sunset and each other's company," he said, kissing her ear.
"Is that innuendo, Mr. Hess?"
"In its most uninhibited form."
They ate dinner and then packed up what was left in the cooler. Then they stretched out on the blanket and wrapped their arms around each other, facing the water as the radio played in the background.
"Did I mention how gorgeous you look in that shirt?" Alicia said.
"I don't think that gorgeous and I belong in the same sentence."
"Are you kidding me? You're beyond gorgeous. Whenever you so much as glance at me, I get this indescribable feeling like nothing else. And even when we're old and wrinkly and maybe fat, you'll still be the hottest guy on the planet in my eyes."
Merrill massaged Alicia's scalp and replied, "And you will always be the eternally breathtaking love of my life."
She closed her eyes and smiled as a familiar song came on the radio.
"I love this song," she said.
"Me too. Actually, it's probably one of my favorite songs of all time. I've just never had anybody I could relate the song to. But now.."
Alicia looked at Merrill and caressed the side of his face as he leaned in to kiss her. Then she turned her head to face the water, listening to the radio as Merrill softly sang along.
"Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are
Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care
I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.
I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take 'till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.
I said I love you, and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.."
After the song finished, Alicia said, "You have no idea how much I love it when you sing to me."
"Yeah, because you get quite a laugh out of it, right?"
"No. I think it's the sweetest thing imaginable."
"I'm glad you think so."
"Hey, the sun's about to set. Let's go down by the water."
"OK."
They stood up and walked to the edge of the water, on the wet sand. Merrill slid his arms around Alicia's waist and she did the same to him, leaning her head against his chest.
Alicia said, "I don't understand how people can witness something as beautiful as a sunset and not believe in God. I mean, look at that. It's amazing- like a miracle or something."
"It might sound a little cheesy, but to me, it's a miracle how we came together."
"And why's that?"
"Because the one woman I searched for, and prayed about, and dreamed of was right under my nose. My sister-in-law, of all people, turned out to be my soulmate. Now tell me that's not a heaven-sent miracle."
For a minute, neither of them said anything. Merrill gazed at Alicia, overpowered by her presence and the warmth of her body in his arms. With the exception of some mascara and a little lip gloss, she wasn't wearing a stitch of makeup; although her flawless complexion gave the illusion that she was. She parted her lips and flashed her teeth at him, grinning happily. It made him breathless whenever she smiled at him like that. He cupped her face in his hands and brushed his lips against hers, gently sucking in her bottom lip.
Alicia managed to whisper, "This is so odd. There aren't a lot of people around."
"Before we got together, I used to come here a lot to reflect and just relax. I remember that this is an area that not a lot of people frequent, so I knew it'd be perfect for tonight."
"Had you been planning this for a while?"
"Mmm..not really. It was a spur of the moment thing. We can go to dinner anytime. I mean, how often do you get to experience a sunset as gorgeous as this one?"
"That's true. I'm glad you thought of it. I've always dreamed about watching a sunset in someone's arms. One of my sappy fantasies."
"I don't think it's sappy. I totally agree with you."
"You mean, you never admired a sunset with Princess Lottie?"
Merrill sighed and said, "We never had time to do things like this. We were dating while I was in the middle of my busiest season ever. That's why I'm glad marriage never came into the picture, because it would've been a disaster- and I've always made a vow to myself to stick to marriage. Divorce, to me, is the ultimate break of such a meaningful promise. Have you ever actually thought about the concept of divorce? When you marry someone, you vow to be with that person until the day you die- whether the day you die is after the wedding or 60 years down the road. You vow to be there for them and supply them with unconditional love through anything…anything. I don't think that people fully realize what that means anymore. It took a hell of a lot for me to propose to you. Marriage is something that I take extremely serious. Sometimes it really scares me when I think about it. But then I also think about spending the rest of my life with you- and it makes me so happy. You've brought nothing but joy and love to my life for two years and I know it's going to get better. And whether or not you become even hotter than you are right now- which is pretty impossible, or in five years you're confined to a wheelchair with no memory of what's happening right now at this moment, I'll still love you to death. God, Ali- do you see what you've done to me. I never ramble and that's what I'm doing right now. You probably think I'm crazy."
"I like the crazy you."
Merrill smiled and replied, "The crazy me is crazy in love with you."
"Look. The sun's almost gone."
"And you know what?"
"What?"
"In the ten or so minutes we've been standing here, we haven't even kissed."
"Yes we did."
"No, our lips kinda brushed. It wasn't a good kiss."
"Any contact I make with your lips is good."
"Will you shut up and let me kiss you?"
Alicia laughed as she closed her eyes. Merrill placed his lips upon hers and passionately kissed her. The ocean water rushed over their feet as the kiss grew deeper and more heated by the second. BY the time they finished, darkness had fallen upon the beach and the only light was from the crescent moon.
"I guess we should head back now," Merrill said.
"Yeah. This was an amazing evening. Thank you."
"Don't mention it."
Alicia pecked him and said, "I love you, stud."
"I love you more, beautiful."
They packed up their things, headed to the car, and then left for Newtown.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
It was now a little after 4 in the morning. Alicia had been awake for a while, Merrill peacefully sleeping by her side. The only thing covering their bare bodies were the sheets and blanket of the bed, which Merrill was taking most of. Alicia pulled some of the sheets from underneath him and covered herself again. Their beach date had been a nice little escape from the real world, but when they got back, the cold truth hit Alicia again. She lost herself in thoughts as she stared at the ceiling of the room.
I can't believe it's been seven months already. Some days it seems like yesterday. Who knows what Coll would be up to if she were still around. Probably still rubbing in the big sister/little sister thing. No, I know what she'd be doing. She'd be spoiling our baby. The baby would've been about seven months old. Seven months old…seven months since the accident. God, why did I insist on going on a walk that night? It was almost dark and so cold. Why didn't I just stay home like Colleen had wanted to? I never even took her thoughts into consideration..I..I..
Her thoughts drifted away as sleep finally took a hold of her body. About seven hours passed and when Alicia woke up, she slowly turned her head to see what time it was. Then she sat straight up and shook Merrill's shoulder.
"Damn it, Merrill. We overslept! Church started an hour ago! I thought you set the alarm."
"I thought you did."
Alicia huffed in frustration and replied, "This is terrible. Missing church on today of all days. Graham is probably wondering where we are."
"He'll understand. I don't know about you, but I'm still wiped. Let's go back to sleep."
"I need a cigarette."
"But you haven't smoked in almost two weeks."
Alicia got out of the bed and threw on her tanktop and pajama pants that had been tossed on the floor from the previous night. She went outside with her cigarettes and sat on the stairs. The overcast sky was completely opposite from the day before. The air smelled of rain and hung heavy, thick with humidity. Alicia took a long drag of the cigarette and leaned her head against the wall as the smoke escaped from her nostrils. She could hear Merrill getting out of the bed inside, and his footsteps as he approached the door.
He stood before her and said, "Well, you might as well give me one while you're at it."
She handed him the pack as he sat beside her.
Lighting one of the cigarettes, he said, "I'm sorry I didn't set the alarm."
"Don't worry about it. It's over and done."
Alicia didn't look at Merrill when she spoke to him, and that concerned him.
"This isn't just about missing church, is it?"
She didn't answer.
"Alicia, look at me."
Alicia threw her expired cigarette to the ground and looked at Merrill. There were tears welling up in her eyes.
"Honey, what's wrong?" he asked.
"I..um, didn't get much sleep last night. I was thinking about things and I only got about a good hour or two of sleep."
"Don't lie to me."
"Merrill, not today. I don't feel like being interrogated today. I just need some time by myself today."
"I hate to bring up a touchy subject, but think about it. Would Colleen- the goofy, outgoing, ball of fire Colleen we all loved- want you to be depressed like this whenever you thought of her? Of course not. She'd want you to-"
"How do you know what Colleen wants?! Did you ask her recently? Let me deal with this in my own way!"
Merrill was astonished at the harshness in Alicia's tone. It was almost as if she had made an entire 360 back to the way she was right after the accident. He stood up and tossed his cigarette away as well.
"You know what? I think the last thing we need is my presence here right now."
He went inside the house and came back a few minutes later, keys in hand and shoes on.
Pulling a baseball cap onto his head, he jogged past her and to the bottom of the stairs.
He looked up at her and said, "I have to get some things ready for summer school tomorrow. I'll be back in about two or three hours."
Alicia watched carefully as he walked to the car, and then she wasn't able to keep up her guard any longer. She ran down the stairs as she burst into tears.
"Don't go!" she cried, "I need you here more than anything right now. I'm so sorry for pushing you away."
She sobbed into his chest and he wrapped his arms around her shaking body.
"It's OK," he said, "Let everything out. Cry, scream, kick, punch- whatever you have to do to get all those pent-up emotions out."
She was holding onto him so tight that he was almost finding it hard to breathe.
"Why don't you come with me?" he said, "We'll get out of here for a little while and maybe grab some lunch while we're at it."
"You want me to help you?"
"Of course. Throw on some clothes and we'll head up to the school. Besides, you have yet to see my classroom."
"That's true," she said, sniffling away the last of her tears.
He wiped her face and then kissed her.
"I love you," he said, tweaking her nose.
"I love you too."
"I'll wait right here for you."
"OK."
Merrill leaned against the car as she went into the garage house. He had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach that the day was going to be extremely difficult for all of them. Whenever an anniversary of the accident had passed- one month, two months, three months- it had been tough for all of them, especially Graham and Alicia. But today was different. The attacks had happened and the emotional state of the family was different. They were all more vulnerable and remembering an event as tragic as Colleen and the baby's death wasn't going to help any.
"Ready?"
Alicia walked towards him, with a subtle smile on her face.
"Yeah," he replied, "Let's go."