Chapter 23
Author's Note:
This would've eventually come about in the prequel, but I thought it'd be appropriate to address this. For those who've read this story since the beginning, you'll remember the scene where Alicia finally tells Merrill that their miscarried child was a girl. I've decided to change that- after the accident, the baby survived for a few hours and then passed away. They also gave her a name, which you'll find in this chapter..and there you have it! Sorry it's taken me a lifetime to update- I hope this is worth it! :) Heather
If tears could build a stairway,
and memories were a lane,
I would walk right up to heaven
to bring you home again.
No farewell words were spoken
no time to say goodbye
you were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
My heart still aches in sadness
and secret tears still flow,
what it meant to lose you,
no one will ever know.
"Overslept, huh?"
Alicia and Merrill sat at the kitchen counter as Graham sorted through some bills. They had just returned from Council Rocks.
"I thought that Alicia had set the alarm," Merrill said.
Alicia rolled her eyes and then set them directly on Merrill.
"I thought you set it."
Graham snickered to himself and said, "Don't worry about it. We all slip up sometimes, right?"
Alicia replied, "True, but it was inexcusable for us not to be there for you today. I'm so sorry."
"It's OK."
Graham left the room and Merrill put his hand on Alicia's thigh.
"Baby, it's fine. You shouldn't make a big deal out of it."
"I know I shouldn't, but I do."
He kissed her and said, "You're too pretty to worry about anything."
She gave him a forced smile and avoided his glance. Her eyes locked on his car keys. A thought immediately came into her head and she stood up.
"Where are you going?" asked Merrill.
Alicia took the keys and then pulled Merrill aside.
"I think the only way for me to clear my mind is to go visit Colleen's grave."
"You've only been there twice since she died because going there upsets you so much."
"I know, but..I feel like I need to."
"I'll go with you."
Alicia lifted her hand and ran her palm along the side of Merrill's face.
"I know that you want to go to support me, but I think I need to do this alone."
Inside, Merrill was worried sick. He knew how upset Alicia would probably get, and that driving home would be a difficult task for her.
"Are you sure, sweetheart?"
She pulled him into a kiss and then replied, "I'm positive. But thank you."
"I love you."
"And I love you more."
As Alicia went out the front door, Graham was coming down the stairs. Their eyes locked in an uncomfortable manner.
"Where are you off to?" he asked.
"I, um, need to adjust the server schedule at LaStalla. I made some mistakes and need to iron them out. I should be back in a half hour or so."
"Alright. Drive safe and hurry home."
"I will."
Alicia left the house and as she walked to the car, she almost had second thoughts. Almost as soon as she had them, she dismissed them. Colleen was buried in a cemetery that was about 10 minutes away from the house. Alicia pulled into the memorial garden and drove to a spot that was right by Colleen's headstone. As she got out of the car, she felt sick to her stomach with anxiety.
But then she thought, I'm fine. There's nothing to get myself sick over.
She slowly walked to the headstone, reading it silently to herself.
Colleen Melissa Hess
Loving, Dedicated and Devoted
Mother, Wife, Daughter and Sister
Sunrise- February 11, 1965
Sunset- November 19, 2001
"I will turn their mourning into gladness. I will give them
comfort and joy instead of sorrow."
~Jeremiah 31:13~
Alicia ran her hand along the marble and smiled as she looked at the picture of Colleen that adorned the headstone.
"I took that picture," she said aloud to herself.
As she sat on the dry ground next to the grave, she looked to her right and her stomach dropped. It was the marker that belonged to the baby. Reaching over, she ran her fingers across the bronze plate. Without her even realizing it, tears rolled down her face. In simple blocks letters, the plate read:
Avery Ariana Hess
Beloved Daughter
Born: November 19, 2001
Died: November 20, 2001
Alicia whispered, "I never even got to hold you, and I miss you so much. I wish every day that I had just stayed at home that night. Then you would be here right now..probably being spoiled rotten by your daddy. He said that he always had wanted a little girl to spoil. But you're still very much a part of our lives and in our hearts, sweetie. I love you..so much. More than you'll ever realize."
Alicia looked over at Colleen's headstone again and smiled.
"And I bet you're probably with Avery right now, looking down on us. And I.."
Despite trying to hold her emotion in, she began to sob.
"And I'm so insanely jealous because you get to be with my little girl. You're probably so content up there. You don't have to experience grief, heartache, sorrow- anything negative and painful."
Alicia took a few deep breaths and composed herself before speaking again.
"It seems like the accident was yesterday. Some days I'm fine. I live life normally and smile and laugh- mainly thanks to Merrill. And then I have my bad days- like today. Days where all I do is blame myself and cry my eyes out because I miss you so much. But lately I've been putting myself in your shoes. If I had died that night and you had survived, I wouldn't have wanted you to be depressed and put the blame on yourself. I'd want you to laugh and smile when you thought of me..to reflect and remember all the incredibly fun times we had together. And then, things aren't so hard. I remember a couple of days ago, Graham told me that when someone dies, it's only a temporary goodbye because you'll see them again. And whether or not I die tomorrow or 75 years from now, that time span will be nothing compared to eternity with you. So, I think that from this point on, things will be OK. Never the same, but OK."
Alicia stood up, but then leaned down and gave the picture of Colleen a kiss.
"Love ya, big sis."
She looked to her right.
"And you too, Avery. Always and forever."
* * * * * * * * *
"Aunt Ali! Aunt Ali!"
Bo ran up to Alicia, completely out of breath.
"This is for you. But close your eyes first!"
Alicia snickered, closed her eyes and opened her hands. Bo put something alive in them and then folded them back together.
"OK, you can open your eyes now."
Alicia slowly opened her eyes and then her hands. A lightning bug flashed and then freed itself from her hands.
"A lightning bug, huh?" asked Alicia.
"They're my favorite animal."
"I don't know if they necessarily count as an animal."
"Well they're my favorite."
Alicia laughed as Bo ran back to catch more. Then she looked to her left and watched Merrill and Morgan. They were playing catch and laughing hysterically. A few minutes later, Graham emerged from the house and sat next to Alicia.
"Morgan's asthma has gotten so much better in these past weeks. He would've never been able to play with Merrill that long before."
"I know- it's amazing."
They didn't say anything to each other for a few moments, and then Alicia said something.
"Remember earlier that I said I went to LaStalla to fix the schedule?"
"Yeah."
"I didn't go to LaStalla. I went to the memorial gardens to visit Colleen and Avery."
"You did?"
"Yeah."
"Why didn't you tell me the truth? I would've liked to go also."
"I wanted to tell you, but I felt like I needed to go alone. It was easier to make my peace that way."
"Well, I'm glad you did. I guess that when it comes to something like that, you need to go alone."
They looked at each other and Graham kissed Alicia's forehead. Then she laid her head on his shoulder. The sweet scent coming from her silky hair was secretly driving him crazy.
"The 4th of July is Thursday, right?" she asked.
"Sure is."
"What are we gonna do?"
"I was thinking we could spend the evening in Philadelphia."
"That'd be fun."
Merrill and Morgan ran up to the picnic bench, out of breath.
"You taking it easy?" Graham asked Morgan.
"Yeah, Dad. I feel fine. But can we watch a movie?"
"Sure. I'm right behind you. Come on, Bo!"
Graham looked at Merrill and Alicia as he left.
"Are you coming?"
"Yeah, we'll be there in a second."
Merrill sat beside Alicia and said, "I saw you talking to Graham. Did you tell him about how you went to the cemetery?"
"Yeah I did."
"What did he say?"
"He said that he would've like to gone with me, but that he understood that I needed to go alone."
"I actually went by myself about two weeks ago."
"You did? How come you didn't tell me?"
"I was thinking about Avery a lot and I thought that maybe going to the grave would alleviate some of the pain I was feeling."
"Did it help?"
"It did. I mean, I think about her every day- but like I said, I just couldn't stop thinking about what could've been. So I just sat and talked. I've wanted to tell you, but.."
"But what?"
"I don't know. I didn't want to upset you."
"Why would it upset me? She was your daughter too."
"I didn't mean upset as in mad..I didn't want you to have to re-open those wounds."
"I know what you mean. But I'm glad that we've both come to grips with everything."
Merrill held Alicia's face in his hands and kissed her.
"I'm so proud of you," he said, "for healing and being strong. You've inspired me in so many ways and I love you so much more for it."
"Me, strong? You've been my anchor through all of this. I would never have made it if I hadn't have had you in my corner. Every morning when I wake up and see you next to me, I always ask myself what I did to deserve someone as amazing as you."
Bo yelled, "Aunt Ali! Uncle Merrill! We're watching Harry Potter! Come on!"
Alicia hopped off of the bench and ran ahead of Merrill.
She turned around as she reached the backdoor.
"Hey Merrill?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm ready to have a baby whenever you are."
Alicia disappeared inside the house and Merrill stopped dead in his tracks. He let the statement she had just made rush over him and he smiled. She broke his trance.
"Coming?
Merrill met up with Alicia at the door and asked, "Are you serious, or were you joking?"
"You think that I would kid about something so serious?"
"You don't want to wait until after we're married?"
"If it happens, it happens. But it'd be wonderful if it did."
Merrill was so happy that he wanted to cry. He took Alicia into his arms and embraced her.
"Ali, this means more to me than you'll ever know."
She grinned and said, "I'm ready to be a mommy."
"And you'll be the best at it."
"Movie's starting!" Graham said.
Merrill said, "Harry Potter's awaiting."
"We can name our first son that- Harry Potter Hess!"
Laughing, he answered, "Whatever you say, honey."
About two and a half hours later, Alicia was tucking Bo into bed. Merrill had already gone back to the garage house, and Graham was on the other side of the room with Morgan.
"Aunt Ali?"
"Yes baby?"
"Can we catch lightning bugs again tomorrow night?"
"Of course."
Whenever Alicia looked at Bo, it was as if she was staring into Colleen's eyes.
"Aunt Ali?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you too, sweetie pie."
Alicia gave Bo a kiss and then pulled the blanket on her. Then she went over to Morgan and kissed his forehead.
"Goodnight, handsome man."
"Goodnight, Aunt Ali."
She met Graham at the door to the bedroom and he closed it as she left.
"What a day," she sighed.
"I couldn't agree with you more."
"Well, I'll see you in the morning."
"Wait. Before you go, can I show you something?"
"I guess."
"Follow me."
Alicia followed Graham into Colleen's workroom. He turned on the light and went to the closet. Reaching up, he grabbed the present that he had found the day before. With his hands shaking slightly, he handed it to Alicia.
"I found this when I was in here yesterday. I th-thought that you might want to have it. It was from Colleen."
Alicia took it into her hands and opened the note on top. She read it out loud.
"Ali- I was out shopping with Bo yesterday and saw this outfit. I know the baby's not due until January, but I couldn't resist. My first niece deserves the best. Love always and forever, your big sis."
She sat on the floor and slowly opened the wrapping, as if it were her only physical connection left to Colleen. After the paper had been shed, she opened the tiny box and found a yellow dress with pink trim inside. Alicia's eyes stung with tears and her chest desperately wanted to let loose in a sob. She wiped tears from the corners of her eyes as Graham knelt beside her.
"I didn't mean for this to make you cry."
"No, it's OK. I'm glad you showed me this. Today when I was in the cemetery, I was thinking about how Coll is probably watching over Avery..and seeing this definitely proved that I'm right."
Graham smiled and wiped a stray tear from Alicia's cheek.
"You know what? You always manage to still look so beautiful when you cry. Colleen was the same way."
Alicia noticed that Graham's gaze would deviate between her eyes and her lips.
"Graham, don't," she whispered.
"Alicia, this is making me lose my mind. I've tried denying my feelings for you, but I can't."
She held her head in her hands and then looked directly into Graham's eyes.
"Graham, I'm about to ask you something- and it has to stay between us."
"OK."
"If I…God, this is hard. If I let you do anything you want to me, will that help you to get over me?"
"No. It'll make me want you more."
She sighed and said, "I can't believe I just said that. Only a whore would say something like that. That's exactly what I am."
"No you're not. But we can meet halfway with this."
"How?"
"Let me kiss you. And we'll see where it goes. All I want to do is kiss you."
Alicia said, "Not here. Let's go into your room."
They left the room and headed to Graham's bedroom. Alicia grasped the present tighter, her stomach turning to ice as she followed Graham. He closed the door behind them and they sat on the bed. She hated the feelings that she was getting- anxiety, fear and guilt. But it was something that had to be dealt with before it got out of hand. Graham ran his hand along Alicia's face and then through her hair. He moved closer to her and could literally feel her heart almost pounding its way out of her chest. Slowly, he leaned his head in and brushed his lips against hers. She kissed him back, pretending it was Merrill.
This isn't happening, this isn't happening, she thought to herself over and over again.
Alicia re-adjusted her body against the pillows on the bed, and her elbow slipped. It knocked over a picture of the family together, and the glass of the frame shattered as soon as it hit the floor. Graham broke the kiss and looked down. He slid off the bed and picked up the pieces. Then, with tear-filled eyes, he looked at Alicia.
"I've got to be the most low down bastard on the face of this planet. What am I doing to you? I'm kissing my wife's younger sister, my brother's fiancée, in my own bedroom. I pressured you into this. I'm sacrificing every single moral value I have- as a father, a brother, a husband, and a man of God- just for my physical pleasure. Alicia, I am so sorry. Beyond sorry."
"I wish I could say that I understand, but I can't. But I do forgive you."
Graham took a second to think and then went to the phone. He picked it up and dialed a number.
"Merrill, it's Graham. Hey, can you come to the house for a second? No, nothing's…well, just come over, OK? OK. Bye."
Alicia's heart froze as she stuttered, "Wh-what did you just do?"
"I called Merrill. We need to talk about this- the three of us. Let's go into the kitchen."
By the time Graham and Alicia walked down into the kitchen, Merrill had arrived at the back door.
"Something's not right," Merrill said, his voice slightly shaky, "What's going on?"
Graham said, "Let's sit down."
"I'm fine, thanks."
Alicia sat by where Merrill was standing, and Graham sat at the end of the table away from them.
He said, "Merrill, I want to let you know what just happened. And I'm begging you- please, no matter how upset you get, just let me finish. Before I lost Colleen, I had never experienced anything traumatic in my life. Our grandparents died before we were born and I had never had anyone even remotely close to me die. So as you know, losing Colleen, the love of my entire life, was more than any person should have to bear. After she died, I didn't think that you and Alicia would want to stay around here, but you did and I'm grateful beyond words for it. But as time went on after the accident, I found myself becoming attracted to Alicia. At first, I thought that it was just me being a typical man lusting over a very attractive woman. But in these past few weeks, I've discovered that it wasn't the reason. In my mind, I've almost convinced myself that Alicia is a reincarnation of Colleen. It's my way of grieving. Tonight, after we put the kids to bed, I asked Alicia if I could kiss her..just so that I could put this all behind me. So when I did, I felt absolutely nothing- no pleasure, no satisfaction- nothing but terrible guilt. This probably isn't making any sense to you and I understand if you're upset."
Merrill took a deep breath and spoke softly.
"Naturally, I want to be upset. And I'd be lying if I said that I knew what you were going through. But as long as you can sit here right now and swear to me that the attraction is over, then I'll be satisfied."
"It's over," Graham said, "and I want to apologize to both you, Merrill, and to you, Alicia. The last thing I wanted to do was sacrifice your happiness together just for my mindless sake."
"It's OK," Alicia said, "We all have our weaknesses and make mistakes."
Merrill seemed a little less forgiving, but he knew what in his heart what he had to do.
"Ali, can you give Graham and I a minute?"
"Sure. I'll be in the garage house.
As Alicia walked across the backyard, she thought to herself, He lied for my sake- he made it seem like came onto me..when I was the one who offered myself to him.
Meanwhile, Merrill sat across the table from his brother.
"Graham, listen to me. I don't want a candycoated, bullshit answer. You told me before that your attraction to Alicia was a temporary one. But here we are again. Do you swear to me that this time, it's really over?"
"I promise on everything that it is."
"I trust you…but if you're lying to me, I-"
"I'm not lying to you, Merrill. Everything was purged tonight."
"Good, because the thought of not being able to trust my brother…it's unimaginable."
"Well, you won't have to worry about that."
Merrill stood up and said, "I have to get up early for school tomorrow. I'll see you in the morning."
Graham walked to Merrill's side of the table and stood in front of him.
"Are you sure everything's alright? You seem..you don't seem convinced."
"I am, I'm just tired."
"OK. Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
Merrill started walking away and then stopped. He turned around and walked back over to Graham
He gave him a big hug and said, "Thank you for being honest with me, Graham. That meant a lot that you confronted me about this instead of keeping it a secret. Thank you."
"You're my brother. Of course I'll always be honest with you."
Merrill gave Graham a shove and then headed out the back door. When he got to the garage house, he stepped inside and smiled at what he saw. Alicia had fallen asleep on the couch with the TV still on. He turned it off and then shook her shoulder a little bit.
"Ali, honey, wake up. Come get in bed."
She stirred and didn't even open her eyelids as she spoke.
"But I'm so comfortable."
"Come on, sleepyhead. Our weekend is over- back to the old work week routine, starting tomorrow."
"Guh-reat."
"Fine, I'll carry you."
Merrill scooped Alicia into his arms and placed her on the bed. Finally, she opened her eyes and sat up a little.
"What did you say to Graham?"
"We just talked the whole situation over."
"And?"
"Everything is resolved."
"Good. That makes me feel so much better."
Merrill stripped down to his boxers and turned out the lights. He climbed into bed with Alicia and she wrapped her arms around him tightly.
"Thank you for hearing Graham out," she said, "any other bullheaded man would've lost his temper."
"But I'm not any other bullheaded man, am I?"
"No. You're the most understanding and gorgeous human being that I've ever known."
"Now that deserves a kiss. A good one, nonetheless."
"Mmm…how good?"
"How's this?"
Merrill pressed his face against Alicia's as she purred in pleasure. They both opened their mouths and let the tips of their tongues brush each other. Then they closed out in a perfect peck and went back to their embrace.
"You never cease to amaze me," Alicia whispered.
"Seriously, you're inflating my ego in a very unhealthy way."
"You know you like it."
"Just don't tell anyone."
She giggled and kissed his cheek.
"Goodnight, baby."
"Goodnight."
The next day, Merrill was going over notes for a test when one of his students spoke out loud.
"Coach Hess, there's someone at the door."
He looked up from the overhead projector he was writing notes on.
"Is there?" he asked.
"Yeah. It's a girl."
Merrill looked towards the door and saw a familiar face smiling at him.
"Is that your fiancee?" one of the girls asked.
He nodded and replied, "Sure is. You guys finally get to meet her."
As Merrill opened the door, Alicia whispered, "I didn't know you were in the middle of teaching."
"It's OK. They're about to go to lunch and then another classroom with another teacher - so I'll have a free hour. But come inside. They want to meet you."
"Oh, that's OK. I'll stay out here."
"No, come on. They already know you're here. They want to meet my infamous fiancee."
"Fine."
Alicia followed Merrill into the classroom, which became silent when she came in.
"Everyone, this is Alicia."
The kids all said hello to her and then she sat in a chair next to Merrill's desk. Within 5 minutes, a buzzer rang and the kids grabbed all their belongings.
Merrill announced, "After lunch, remember that you're going to Coach Allenberg's classroom. I'll see you guys at 1:30."
When all the kids had left the classroom, Merrill sighed and then gave Alicia a long kiss.
"So how's your day been so far?" he asked her.
"It's been a little busy, actually. I had to pull a few strings just to escape here for lunch. It's the fourth of July rush, you know?"
"Yeah. I'm glad the kids got to meet you. Every day they ask, 'When are we gonna meet Alicia? Where's Alicia?'"
"Do you talk about me that much?"
"Every now and then. So where do you wanna go for lunch?"
"Isn't there an Applebee's down the road?"
"Yeah."
"Is that OK with you?"
"We could eat in here and as long as I was in your presence, I'd be content."
"That's so sweet, baby."
He kissed her and replied, "Let's go."
About a half hour later, they were sitting across from each other at a table in Applebee's, going over ideas for their wedding as they ate lunch.
Alicia sighed and said, "I would love to have an outdoor wedding, but it would be so cold."
"Yeah, I know. So that means we definitely have to do it inside. But do we want to have it at the church or somewhere else?"
"The church would be more traditional…but there aren't a lot of romantic indoor settings around. Would you want to wait until the spring so that we could have a romantic outdoor wedding."
"Or we could do it the first week of September. It's still pretty warm outside then."
"But Merrill, that's only two months away."
"And October is three months away. What difference does 30 days make?"
"A lot, when it comes to planning a wedding."
"Who said we had to have the wedding of the century? We could do something low key- at the Fonthill Museum or Pennsbury Manor."
Alicia sighed and said, "Well then, we need to get on top of things- ASAP."
The waitress interrupted their conversation and took their plates away.
"Can we get the check?" Alicia asked.
"Sure."
Merrill finished off his water and said, "Now you don't feel like I'm pressuring you to rush things, do you?"
"No, sweetie. But I think that for a few weeks, I'm going to have to work closing shifts."
"But that means the only time we'll spend together is at night and on the weekends."
"I've gotta start planning now. For all we know, these places could be booked up now."
"I see what you're saying. You have to make sacrifices."
"Only for two weeks or so. But it's all going to be worth it."
"Yeah, you're right."
She smiled at him and cooed, "I love you."
He tweaked her nose and replied, "I love you too."
"Ooh! What about Andalusia? That Greek mansion on the Delaware? God, that would be incredible! I'm gonna call them on the way back to work."
Alicia was so wrapped up in thought that she didn't notice Merrill pay for lunch.
"Baby," she said, "I was gonna pay! This was supposed to be my treat."
"As your husband-to-be, it is my duty to take care of my future wife in any and all situations."
"Mr. Chivalrous, aren't we?"
"Nah. Just helplessly and hopelessly in love."
They left the restaurant and Merrill drove Alicia back to LaStalla. When he stopped the car, he gave her a slow kiss and then kissed her nose.
"Are you done at 5 or 5:30?"
"6."
"Oh. Well, I was close."
"Yeah, yeah. I'll see you later. Thank you for lunch."
"Don't mention it. We should do it more often."
"Definitely."
"Love you, beautiful."
"Love you more, stud."
Alicia got out of the car and waved at Merrill as he drove back to Council Rocks. As she walked into the restaurant, she dialed a familiar number on her cell phone.
"Hey Mom, guess what? There's gonna be a slight change in plans with the wedding…"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Graham hoisted Bo onto his shoulders and said, "So, Andalusia, huh?"
"Yes," Alicia replied, "on September 7th at 4:00 pm. I had to suck up so much, it was unbelievable."
"Well, at least you got it done."
The family was walking along the streets of downtown Newtown on July 4th. Everyone was anticipating the fireworks, which were about to go off over the Delaware River in Doylestown. Alicia and Merrill fell behind Graham and the kids. They were walking with their arms around each other and sharing an ice cream cone.
Alicia said, "God, I am so excited! A fall wedding at Andalusia! I used to pass by there with my family and dream about living there…I think that getting married there is the next best thing."
"I would've never thought I'd be looking forward to getting married- me being so scared of commitment. But now- I wish September 7th was tomorrow."
"Who knows? Maybe this time next year, we'll be pushing a baby stroller around and watching the fireworks."
"Now that would be amazing. Here, do you want the rest of this?"
He handed her the last of the ice cream cone and she said, "Do I have a choice?"
"Not really."
She laughed and finished off the ice cream. Suddenly, the sound of an explosion filled the air.
"It's starting! It's starting!" Bo yelled.
They went down by the edge of the water and leaned against the rail. Within seconds, the entire sky was lit up in bright colors. Merrill wrapped his arms around Alicia and rested his head on top of the hat she was wearing.
"I love fireworks," Alicia sighed.
"See, if I was cheesy, I'd follow that with 'You know what I love?' and you'd say, 'What?', and I'd say, 'You.'"
"Merrill, you're probably the cheesiest guy I know. But that's why I love you so much. Cheesy is sexy."
He kissed the side of her face and looked up at the sky again. The same sky that had brought them so much terror almost three months earlier was now their source of joy and happiness as they all watched in awe. Alicia looked at Graham for a split second, but it was almost as if he immediately felt her eyes on him. He returned her gaze and then smiled. Without words, they knew that everything was resolved and that things were going to get better- even if it was going to take some time.