Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or any locations and/or characters from the game. They are owned by Squaresoft or Square-Enix or whatever the hell they call themselves these days. Please don't sue me.

Author's Note: This is my first attempt at a fanfic, please review I want to know if it's any good. I love Final Fantasy VII and any making fun of the characters I do is all in good fun.

Warning: I cannot trust my mind. The characters in my fics are likely to go severely out of character at times. If you don't like that don't read this, and if you read it don't complain about it.

Enjoy

Cloud lay on the ground, in the spot where a highly annoying dog would stand and bark for no apparent reason some years in the future. He could smell burning buildings and bodies, and could not feel pain but only heat. He could feel sweat standing out on his face and blood pouring out of the gaping hole in his stomach. With effort, he turned his head to the side. He saw the bodies of his 8 friends, Tifa Lockheart, Barret Wallace, Cid Highwind, Aeris Gainsborough, Vincent Valentine, Yuffie Kisaragi (to readers: my apologies if I spelled that wrong). Cait Sith, and Red XIII. "NO!!", he cries, "LET THEM GO!!".

The hansom, silver-haired figure wearing a long black coat turned around and faced Cloud. His green eyes were piercing, but Cloud refused to avert his gaze. The man smirked, never taking his eyes from cloud, and dropped a lit torch onto the pile of bodies. Cloud shrieked in anguish. Sephiroth walks in his direction, all Cloud can think is 'You bastard. You stupid silver-haired bastard. I will get you. I swear I will.' This mantra is closely followed by 'I wonder if I turned off the iron...?'. Sephiroth is leaving town, leaving everyone for dead. He makes sure to step on Cloud's body as he passes. Cloud grimaces in pain and hacks up some blood. His rival simply laughs.

"You never should have gotten in my way."

Cloud sat up in his sleeping bag with a start, breathing heavily. He noticed his thighs felt sticky and warm. He checked under the covers only to find that these stupid nightmares had made him piss himself, again. Shit, he thinks. His eyes darted around nervously, but everyone else was still in there own tents. He sighed in relief and then scratched his spiky head, wondering how he was going to wash this stuff. He had only one set of clothes after all, hadn't changed since he had left Nibelheim to join SOLDIER. Suddenly he heard the zipper on his tent, and, panicking, screamed, "DON'T COME IN....erm......VINCENT'S RABID".

Tifa turned from Cloud's tent to face Vincent who was cooking sausages by the fire. She raised her eyebrow. Vincent just shrugged. Tifa rolled her eyes. Not again. "Cloud I'm coming in".

Crap. thought Cloud as Tifa emerged into his tent. Tifa wrinkled her nose.

"What smells like urine?"

"Um, did I mention how lovely you look this morning?"

Tifa rolled her eyes. "Sweetie, did you do it again?"

Cloud shuffled his feet and looked down at them. "No...."

Tifa spread her arms. "Come here."

Cloud ran to her in the fashion of a small toddler who has lost his favorite toy. Tifa threw her arms around him and he bawled like an infant. Aeris chose this inopportune moment to walk into the tent.

"Tifa do you have any of that special cleaner left? Red XIII had another accident...". She caught sight of the two of them. She folded her arms over her chest, narrowed her eyes, and tapped one foot. "So what's going on, hmm?"

Cloud jumped away from Tifa. "It's not what you think!!"

"It isn't hmm, do I have to spank you"

The color drained from Cloud's face and a look of terror spread across it. Suddenly Tifa grabbed him violently "BACK OFF BITCH I SAW HIM FIRST!!"

"DID NOT!!!"

"YES I DID!!!!"

By this point the two of them had started to play tug-o-war with Cloud as a rope. He protested feebly but was ignored. Barrett, Cid, Yuffie and Cait Sith stood in the opening to the tent and watched, chanting "JERRY, JERRY!!!!" Then Vincent walked over wearing his cute pink chocobo apron and holding a big platter of eggs, sausages, and Chocob-Os.

"BREAKFAST!!!"

Tifa stopped with a chair half-way across its path to Aeris's head. Her nose was bleeding. "OHHH BOY CHOCOB-Os!!!!!!!"

Vincent staggered back as she ripped the box from his hands. "Stupid artificial flavoring..." he muttered as she ate some of the sugary little chocobo shapes. Everyone sat down for a reasonably peaceful breakfast, Aeris washed Cloud's sheets for him, and she even made Tifa an ice pack for her nose. They then decided to pack up camp, Barret and Cid barking profanities all the while, mostly at each other.

"All right, let's mosey.", said Cloud as they finished packing up.

. Cid slapped his hand against his forehead. "Friggin fairy."

They all linked arms and started over to the Highwind, skipping and singing "OHHH WE'RE OFF TO SEE SEPHIROTH, AND TO KICK HIS PRETTY SILVER-HAIRED ASS!!!"

That's all for now. Hope you likey. I really don't know if its any good and REALLY would appreciate some reviews. If I get some good feedback I'll probably update. Next episode will be a Sephy one if I proceed to make one. REVIEW ME!!

Sorry about the lame rip-off on Cheerios, it just kind of popped into my head. And I don't own them. So Mr. Cheerio, please don't sue me.