Disclaimer: Square-Enix owns Final Fantasy 7 and all characters, places, and events associated with the game. I do not own Kraft Macaroni and Cheese or any of their other products. Credit for the Domino's Pizza joke goes to Yoko, she didn't really make it up but I don't know where she got it from. And Kudos for your ideas, FFLove. There is going to be cake, for purposes that I shall not disclose at this time, but there is Jell-o, and there is Zackness (although I've been meaning to put him in before you mentioned him anyway). Further disclaiming will be listed at the end because I write as I go.

Author's Note: Sorry if you've been waitin' a while for this update (even though I'm quite sure nobody reads this fic except for FFLove). I've been busier since school started ( ) and I haven't had the slightest idea of what to put in this chapter. But here it goes, I give you Seph's birthday party. (silence) I SAID I give you Seph's birthday party!!!! (crickets chirping) Oh well, here it is anyway.

Warning: Out of character-ness ahead. No likey? Tough shit, don't read it. Ohh.... And the following fic is not intended to suggest homosexual relationships between any of the male characters (e.g. seph x cloud, cloud x zack, seph x zack). You'll understand why I say this later, but I just want to make that known. I know they're straight so for the love of Vincent do not send me flames. Also, I usually do not believe in self-insertions, however there is one in this fic. Lauru is me, and Miminichi is my best friend.

Enjoy!

ShinRa HQ...

Sephiroth reluctantly took off his helmet and stepped away from his motorcycle which was parked outside of the ShinRa headquarters. He didn't have to open the doors to the industrial skyscraper in the middle of this hellhole to know that he would always regret answering that call from Tseng. He surveyed the other vehicles parked here and saw nothing other than government-issue black SUVs that had to be the Turks and matching bright red Corvettes with white pinstripes that could only belong to ShinRa the idiot and his son, Rufus, the slightly younger and very slightly smarter idiot. A maroon colored motorbike that most likely belonged to Scarlet sat strategically far away from the Vettes. Upon closer inspection, Sephiroth noted that the initials R.S. were etched into the tailpipe. Sighing, he gave the Masamune a loving caress and walked towards the door. (heh...heh heh, just realized while I was proofreading that could be taken as a really dirty statement...for those of you who don't know the Masamune is the sword...nothing else)

Gasp... It's ZACK!!

Zack stood in front of the stove in his kitchen, eyes squinted at a blue box he held in his hand. There was sweat pouring down his face, and a pot of water boiled in front of him. If only Seph hadn't up and moved to the damn crater, he'd still be here to cook for me... he thought as he puzzled over how to get the Kraft noodles into the pot without making his kitchen explode. That was what had happened last time after all, and when you lived in a rent-controlled apartment, incidents like that tended to upset some people. Although, it also may have had something to do with the fact that the man he used to call "General" possessed the power to set things on fire with his mind...

Suddenly there was a sharp rap on the door. It startled Zack out of his musing and caused him to send Kraft macaroni flying to all points of the compass. Damn it.

"Who the hell is it?"

"It's the Turks we're here to kidnap you."

Outside the door of Zack's crappy rent-controlled apartment...

Rude threw a sharp elbow into Reno's side.

"What the hell was that?!?!" he hissed angrily.

Reno rubbed his side and looked at his partner with a hurt expression on his face. "What?" he said innocently.

Reno looked at his companion and sighed.

"Nevermind."

Back inside of the rent-controlled apartment in question...

Zack raised an eyebrow. There was no way he had heard the man outside his door correctly.

"I'm sorry who are you?"

After a moment's hesitation the voice replied.

"It's Domino's, we have free Cheesy Bread!"

All thoughts of the Turks departed Zack's mind. Oohhh pizza, sweeet. He thought as he heard the voice of salvation outside his door. Looks like I don't need Seph after all.

He threw the door wide open, and the idiotic grin was wiped off his face when he saw Reno standing there with a rather large sack and Rude pointing a stun gun at his face.

He had a fleeting thought of his father. The man had given him a very valuable piece of advice: Never trust a miss-delivered pizza. Well Zack now wished he hadn't. He groped for the Buster sword that was in its corner by the door, but before he could get his hands on it he heard Rude's voice:

"Say cheese"

"Cheese", he replied weakly.

Then, and probably just as well, all was black for our hungry little fool Zackary. Gotta love him.

I give you...AVALANCHE:

The team stood outside the door of the ShinRa building. Vincent and Red XIII stared up at the big building hatefully.

"You know we could just not go in." said Red XIII, no hope in his voice.

"Yeah" said Vincent, looking about as enthused as Red XIII sounded. "They would let her go eventually..."

"Yeah." Cloud replied doubtfully. "But you know how women are. I'd catch hell."

This remark was met by a swift kick to the groin from Tifa. Cloud groaned and fell to his knees. Tifa and Yuffie both made sure to step on him on their way through the door.

Party Time!

Seph sat slumped in a chair by the snack table, he hadn't moved in the two hours since he had arrived at this purgatory. A bottle of whiskey was dangling from his left hand, and every now and then he'd take a sip (I use the term sip loosely). A party hat sat askew on his head. For right now, the Turks, the ShinRas, and other staff (e.g. Scarlet and Heidegger, who was only there to make Seph's life miserable he was quite sure. All of the earlier mentioned parties hated him.) were busy getting hammered. As soon as they were good and drunk he was quite sure they would commence the tormenting, but you never knew. He noted that Reno and Rude seemed to be temporarily absent, but simply counted it as a blessing. God, but he was hungry. He surveyed the snack table and was about to take a handful of pretzels when something caught his eye. Something that appeared to be....glowing? Yes. Glowing. Interesting. He raised an eyebrow. At first he thought he was seeing his eyes reflected back at him, but then realized that this wasn't the case. He was staring into some green gelatin. Some green, apparently radioactive gelatin. And he didn't seem to be able to stop. He tilted his head to the side slightly, mako-green eyes glassy. A sliver of drool ran from the corner of his mouth. He raised his arm without realizing he was going to do it and poked the gelatin. A child's innocent grin spread across his normally evil features. Poke. Poke. Hehehe. Poke. Suddenly his head snapped straight again and his brow furrowed. He wiped the drool away from his mouth, irritated. Stupid frigging mako-induced attraction to glowing things. He looked around at the Turks. Naturally, they pointed and laughed. He groaned and sat back down. That was when Avalanche burst through the front door, and Reno and Rude snuck in the back.

Reno and Rude Interlude...

Rude and Reno hauled the spiky black haired man out of the sack. Elena then walked into the room, a lustful, maniacal smile on her face. Rude shuddered.

"Have fun."

"Oh, I will" replied Elena smugly.

Reno and Rude left the room, and Elena turned to Zack. She began to strip off his clothes...

A few moments later (heh heh, I know ya'll are having awful thoughts and I'm going to let you suffer...)

Elena looked down at Zack, pleased with her work. He was fully dressed in drag. A red, sequeny dress gave way to his manly, hairy legs and huge feet covered by matching heels. His hair was fixed so that one lock of black hair hung seductively in front of his left eye. He cheeks were practically on fire with bright red blush, offset by matching lipstick and dark blue eye shadow. Aeris looked disapprovingly at Elena from her cage in the corner. Elena smiled evilly and lowered Zack into Sephiroth's birthday cake.

Avalanche...and Me and Miminichi

The team walked into the Shinra HQ, already wishing they weren't here. Cloud looked around, but saw no sign of Aeris. He saw Sephiroth, his greatest enemy, sitting in a chair in the corner, chatting with two waitresses. No, make that yelling exasperatedly at two waitresses. In either case, Cloud saw this as his chance. His rival was just sitting there, unprotected. Cloud charged.

Sephiroth saw him easily out of the corner of his eye. Without even blinking, he unsheathed Masamune and blocked Cloud's attack easily.

"DAMN IT!! I thought I had you this time Seph!!"

Sephiroth didn't reply, simply waved Cloud off. Cloud slumped his shoulders, steam practically baking off of his head. He was pissed. He stomped away.

Suddenly one of the waitresses, a short girl with brown eyes and dark brown hair, dropped the tray of champagne she was holding and spilled it all over the other waitress.

"HEY, LAURUUU!!!", yelled the other waitress, Miminichi, exasperated, and whopped Lauru in the back of the head. She didn't notice.

"Oh. My. God." said Lauru, sounding a bit like Chandler from Friends.

Miminichi had already lost interest in Lauru's outburst. She was giggling, then outright laughing as Sephiroth decided to try to take out his anger and use Miminichi as a punching bag.

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes at her. Through gritted teeth he muttered, "Just what...is so...god damned....funny". His words were stilted by punches.

Miminichi just laughed in the ex-General's face. "I told you, you can't hurt me."

Lauru was still standing in the same spot, eyes wide. "Oh god would you look at the size of that..."

"CAAAKE!!!!!", screamed Scarlet, as she wheeled the gigantic desert over to Sephiroth.

Miminichi looked quizzically at Lauru. "What?? I really was going to say cake!!", she wined.

Miminichi rolled her eyes. "Sure you were, Lauru-chan, sure you were."

Sephiroth looked at the cake, it would have matched his 8 foot height had he been standing up. "There has got to be a catch here."

Back to Zack...

Zack woke up drowsily and looked around him. It was dark. He smelled... chocolate? Yes. He did. And vanilla icing. Wondering what the hell was going on, he also noticed that he was apparently sitting on some sort of platform, and he thought it might be spring-loaded. Just as he was thinking that his hosiery felt extremely bunched, suddenly he was shooting upwards...

AND...

"HOLY SHIT!!" screamed Sephiroth, Lauru, Miminichi, and all of Avalanche in unison.

A very confused and badly shaken (not to mention dressed in drag) Zack shot out of the cake and landed on Sephiroth's lap. Sephiroth and Zack both screamed like little girls, causing the ShinRas and all associates to roll on the floor in laughter. Sephiroth flung him away with a cry of disgust, and decided it was time to kill ShinRa. Before he could so much as get over there however...

Zack landed on Lauru, who screamed and shoved him into Miminichi, who kicked him like a soccer ball towards Avalanche. He rolled into Cloud and the rest proceeded to fall over like bowling pins.

"STRIKE!!" yelled Reno gleefully through his tears of laughter.

Seph tripped on the dog-pile that was Avalanche and landed on top of all of them, dropping the Masamune. Immediately he picked it bag up and lunged at Vincent.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Lauru, and suddenly everything was in slow motion. Lauru jumped towards Vincent and rolled him out of the way, taking the hit for him. Still in slow motion, Vincent threw a Pheonix Down at Lauru's lifeless body (something nobody had ever though to do for Aeris in the game I might add). Sephiroth screamed in frustration and Miminichi jumped up and down in the background and made funny faces. Everything went back to normal speed at this point.

Lauru stood up. "Thanks Vin." I think I'm gonna go the whole Zack in a dress thing is creeping me out. Miminichi you coming?"

"NO!" screamed Sephiroth. "NO SHE'S MY PUNCHING BAG MY PUNCHING BAG MINE!!!!"

Miminichi shrugged. "Bye Lauru."

Lauru shrugged back. On her way out Vincent came over to her. "Oh god please take me with you."

Lauru's eyes widened. Don't swoon don't swoon don't swoon, shit. I'm swooning.

"I'll take that as a yes", said Vincent, and they left.

The Avalanche dog pile untangled itself, and Aeris walked into the room. Her mouth dropped open. She saw the ShinRas, Turks, and Scarlet passed out by the bar. Sephiroth was drunkenly slurring profanities at some poor redhead who he was beating. All of the food was strewn on the floor and Zack was lying unconscious and still dressed in drag in the corner. Upon closer inspection she noticed that the redhead was laughing hysterically. She raised an eyebrow, then just shook her head and walked to the dog pile.

"Hey guys. Thanks for coming."

"No problem" said the rest of the members of Avalanche in unison.

"Where's Vincent?"

"Left with a waitress. Lets just leave. He'll catch up. I hate this place." said Red XIII moodily.

"One more thing." said Cloud, smiling. He pulled a sharpee marker out of his pocket and walked over to Tseng. He drew the words CLOUD WAS HERE in huge letters on Tseng's forehead. "Okay. Now we can go."

And so Avalanche went on with their quest, later meeting up with Vincent, who, to Lauru's dismay, decided to rejoin them in Wutai. They left Zack and Sephiroth in their Purgatory, and when Zack woke up, they decided to move back in together. Just so Zack would never be forced to dress in drag again.

THE END

Yeah. So, there ya go. Hope you liked it, wow I just realized how long it is. Um, yeah I don't have any more disclaiming to do. OH, I need ideas for my next chapter!!!! I'm sorry this update took so long, the next one should be shorter!! See ya next chapter.