Pineapple Cookies

(kagesshi kira-) This'll be one interesting fic.

(dew la ma 411) Well duh, we wrote it.

Good point, do think we should subject these innocent souls to our crazy thoughts?

It's a little late for that don't you think? Besides, considering WE wrote it the story's not THAT bad.

Fine, have it your way. But if anyone files any lawsuits, I'm blaming you.

Oh what a funny little thing you are.

I know, aren't I?

Anyway, for all of our readers, please read and review.

And if you have been scarred for life, remember, it was HER!

Oh thanks.

Wait, we have to write our disclaimer!

Oh yeah. Hey Snape, tell everyone about our disclaimer.

(Snape) NO!

Come on! If you don't i'll use the weapons of mass production on you!

Don't you mean weapons of mass destruction?

No, it's weapons of mass production! That's what the president says.

She has a point there.

Fine! Ok, none of JK Rowling's characters belong to these losers. They only own the plot.

Thank you!

Was it really that hard?

Yes

Baby.

TRUTH OR DARE

Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasly, Ginny Weasly, Lavender Brown, Parvati Patil, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, and Pansy Parkinson are playing truth or dare in the library at 3:00 am.

"Truth or dare Potter?" Malfoy asks.

"Dare."

"I dare you to get yourself killed by someone whose name begins with the letter U," Malfoy answers.

"Okay."

Harry quickly leaves the library and starts asking random students if their name begins with the letter U. Surprisingly, everyone in the castle was awake.

Finally, a sixth year answers yes.

"My name's Uncle Joe."

"Oh, well could you kill me?" asks Harry.

"Sure!" answers Uncle Joe.

Uncle Joe takes a chainsaw out of his pocket and chops Harry's head off.

Harry's head rolls down the staircase he's standing near and hits Professor McGonagall's foot.

McGonagall picks up the head and yells, "Professor Dumbledore! I found a volleyball for our game!"

She brings the head into the staff room and all of the teachers start to play with it.

BACK IN THE LIBRARY...

"I wonder if Harry's dead yet", says Ron.

Just then, Uncle Joe walks in. "I just killed Harry!" he exclaims.

"Okay", everyone answers.

THE NEXT DAY AT POTIONS...

Snape enters the room leaping.

"I just lost my virginity last night!" he yells.

Hermione blushes, Ron winces at the nasty visual, and Lavender tries very hard not to laugh.

Draco exclaims, "Potter's dead, Professor!"

"My day can't get any better!" says Snape with a smile on his face.

"Malfoy", Hermione whispers to Malfoy's back. Malfoy turns around.

"Because of you, the love of my life is dead! I hate you! You are EVIL!"

"Ok", replies Malfoy.

"Wait," says Ron. "I thought that I was the love of your life!"

"But Miss Granger," Snape adds. "What about last night?"

Ron and Malfoy stare at Hermione in disbelief.

"Oh, fuck you!" Hermione exclaims.

She grabs her quill and starts stabbing Malfoy with it. Everyone watches in amusement.

Eventually, she realizes that that isn't working. So, she grabs her cauldron and smashes it against Malfoy's head.

He screams, falls, over, and DIES!

The bell rings and class is over. Everyone leaves the room excited about tomorrow's Quidditch game. (Ravenclaw/ Hufflepuff)

THAT EVENING OR RATHER, THAT MORNING...

Everyone is at the library at 3 again.

"Hey Lavender," says Pansy. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth"

"Who was your, uh, first?" asks Pansy.

"Well... (Lavender blushes) it was Dumbledore. I had to ask him something so I went to the staff room and found him there. Then, we got caught up in the heat of the moment and..."

"Wow," says Hermione. "That sounds so romantic."

"It was," replied Lavender.

"Truth or dare Crabbe?" asks Lavender.

"Dare."

"I dare you to find out whether Snape wears boxers or briefs."

"Okay," Crabbe answers.

Crabbe wanders through the castle and finds Snape's living quarters.

He enters and finds Snape sleeping in his bed.

He pulls off the covers and sees a woman's thong.

Suddenly, Snape's eyes open. "What are you doing here!" he demands.

"I'm madly in love with you Snape! I need you!" Crabbe answers.

"Okay."

Crabbe jumps into bed with Snape. They remove each other's clothes and before you can say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, Snape is ramming into Crabbe and Crabbe is moaning Snape's name.

"Wow," says Snape. "You're better than the guy from the strip club I work at."

BACK AT THE LIBRARY...

"So Crabbe," Lavender asks. "What does he wear?"

"A thong."

Everyone bursts out laughing.

"Really?" Ginny asks.

"Yeah," Crabbe answers.

"Wow," says Ron. "Wasn't expecting that."

IN THE PREFECTS BATHROOM

"Oh look it's Draco and he's dead too. Now he can be my buddy!" says Harry.

"Potter? I didn't know I'd find you hear," says Malfoy.

"Hey guys! I have an idea!"

"What Myrtle?"

"Well Harry, I thought we should have a threesome!"

"Ok!" they both answer.

IN THE GRYFFINDOR COOMON ROOM

(Lavender walks into the common room.)

"Any idea why there would be loud moans coming from the prefects bathroom?" asks Lavender.

"Probably McGonagall and Flitwick going at it again," answers Ron.

"I thought that too but it sounded like 3 voices."

"Maybe they asked Hagrid to join in," says Hermione.

"Oh my god! Look out the window!"

"What is it Lavender?" asks Hermione.

"It's a giant panda!"

"What's a panda?" questions Ron.

"It's a muggle animal John," answers Hermione.

"John? Who's John?" asks Ron.

"Oh, nobody, I uh just forgot your name. That's all."

"I don't believe this, you fucked Harry, Snape, and now some guy named John! I won't stand for this you whore! I thought you could change but you didn't. We were not meant to be. We're through!"

"We were never together in the first place!" screams Hermione.

"She's right Ron," says Lavender.

"Whatever biatch!" yelled Ron.

(Ron storms out of the common room.)

"He should be on a soap opera," says Lavender.

Chuckles "Yea, but what are we going to do about the panda?"

"Hmm, well it seems to be gone now."

"Oh, ok."

"Hey guys!"

"Um, Crabbe?" asks Hermione. "What are you doing in our common room, and without Goyle?"

"I don't know. Hey Lavender, you do know that there's a vegetable on your head, right?"

"Yeah, I do, you have a problem with that?"

"No, I just wanted to make sure that you realized it."

"Well I did you butt! Now go away!"

IN THE PREFECTS BATHROOM

"Hey Harry, Myrtle," says Draco. "We should go kill everyone in Hogwarts! This way we won't be so lonely!"

"Ok! Draco, you take the boys, Myrtle will take the girls, and I'll get the teachers!"

"I have an apple in my shoe!" exclaims Myrtle.

"Um, ok."

FIN

See, it wasn't that bad.

Whatever you say.

I mean if you think about it, our lives are so much weirder.

True.

I mean how many kids do you know who has a teacher who used to be a stripper, a band teacher who's afraid of sandals, a lunch lady who is an ex-convict, and a school bathroom that's infested with mealworms?

We have a teacher that used to be a stripper?

Yeah. Mrs. Birmingham.

Really? She has the worst figure.

I know.

Oh, well anyway, we hope you like our story despite everything SHE wrote to ruin it.

Oh shut up, they liked it.

Whatever.