A/N: Alrighty, this story does not seem to be going so well, so I decided that it's time for a change. I'm redoing it, and I hope it's better this way. It certainly catches one's attention a lot more quickly, so here you go, enjoy!
You know, everybody thinks that Elves are the nicest damned creatures in middle earth. And, in fact, most of them are, but you know there are some that just, well, aren't. Of course, being me, I've had the misfortune of pissing off one of the most ruthless Elves that there is. The most unfortunate bit of the whole situation, however, is that I most likely deserve this Elf's wrath and not only that, but the whole of the Mirkwood population thinks that I'm a boy. Of course, I've done nothing to discourage this rumor, because it has, in fact, served me well in the past.
If people think that I'm a boy, then they can't bloody well find me when I'm dressed as a woman, now can they? Now, I suppose you're wondering what in the hell I'm talking about, right? Well, let me explain my situation. Here I am, in the dungeons of Mirkwood. That's right, I've gone and pissed off Thranduil. Which, by the way, was not a smart thing to do. Now, keep in mind, I wasn't trying to piss him off, I was just doing what I felt I had to do to survive, and if that meant pilfering from his royal highnesses subjects, then so be it.
You can't blame a girl for trying to survive, now can you? Well, apparently Thranduil can and he has. It seems that there are actually a great deal of people who wanted to catch me and I had the extreme misfortune to be caught by a group of Elves, a few of which I knew.
The irony of this situation? I used to be a shy, easily intimidated person. I never would have dreamed about stealing anything from anybody, but hey, you have to work with what life gives you, right?
As I was saying, however, I was caught within the borders of the Druadan forest, as it seems my (unknown to me at the time) notorious reputation had led my captors. Had I know that I had become so famous I suppose that I would have been more careful, but as it is, I was caught and dragged about four hundred miles to Mirkwood to await judgment from the king.
Now, as I said before, I knew a few of the Elves that caught me, meaning two were my friends, and a couple others I had met once or twice. It took a few weeks for us to get to Mirkwood and in that time they never realized whom I was, of course, I didn't volunteer any information about myself and as I said before, I've changed a lot. So they treated me as they would any criminal stranger, rather coldly, as it were, and were only too happy to throw me into the dungeon themselves.
As I sit here, awaiting trial, I am well aware of the fact that I have not bathed in about two weeks. I know, gross. The scent has, in fact, knocked me out a few times, which is useful in its own way, as the time passes more quickly when I am unconscious, but I digress.
I wasn't alone in my act of pilfering, mind you, but I am the one on trial because I am the leader, as it were, of a group of bandits. This wasn't my choice, I was, in a manner of speaking, forced into the position. How can one be forced into the position of leader of a group of bandits, you ask? Well, you don't know these men. They seem tough at first, but they are a rather sensitive lot, as I found out when I had beaten a few of them up after they tried to rob me. One of them had started crying and one of the others was calling for his mother. I found out that these men were big babies.
These men that I was in charge of are the only ones who know that I'm really a girl. In fact, they were the ones who helped to spread the rumor that I was a boy.
I didn't know what I had gotten myself into at the time, but it seemed logical enough that I travel with these men so that I might make a living. You see, I wasn't really familiar with the landscape of the region I was in, or, in actuality, the world that I was in.
I know, I know, now you think I'm a nutter, right? Well, I promise you, it's true. I used to be a masseuse who lived in a little cabin in the woods. I used to be plagued by dreams that would nearly literally drive me nuts. I followed one, one night that seems like forever ago, and it brought me here in a way slightly reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland.
Does that mean that I'm going to wake up from this weird world and find that I was really dreaming the entire time? I hope not because, honestly, even while awaiting trial, I like it better here.
Ah, there I go again, my thoughts are so scattered. I suppose it would be easier to start from the beginning. That way I can show you just how I changed, what brought me to this world, and what brought me to this dungeon, awaiting a trial by King Thranduil.