Teal'c was making his periodic pass down the hall outside Daniel Jackson's infirmary room when Dr. Fraiser suddenly rushed out of the door and collided with him.
He took her by the shoulders automatically. "Dr. Fraiser," he said in alarm. "Are you well? What has transpired?"
"Please, just leave me alone, Teal'c," she said without looking up at him. She wrenched herself free of his grasp and continued down the hall at a quick pace.
Teal'c knew from this that Daniel Jackson must have awoken.
He stepped tentatively into the room, unsure of what to do. Dr. Carmichael had just been called to the bedside of another patient, and O'Neill and Major Carter were elsewhere on the base. If there was an emergency, he could summon help right away, but if Daniel Jackson was well, he should wait until Dr. Carmichael returned.
Before he had come more than a few feet into the room, Daniel Jackson turned slightly to look at him. Teal'c could see even at this distance that his eyes were wide and red with anger. "What do you want?" he demanded.
"I only wish to ascertain whether you are well," Teal'c replied.
Daniel Jackson snorted. "Funny how you haven't done that before now."
Teal'c raised his head a little higher at this remark, the words causing him great pain. "I have not come to see you in some time because my presence was unsettling to you upon my last visit," he said. "I did not wish to..."
"I know what you did."
Teal'c inclined his head in confusion. "Of what do you speak?"
"I know it was you," Daniel Jackson said, his voice low and full of emotion. "I know you killed her. I see it in my dreams."
Now he understood. "If you are referring to Sha're... I was indeed the one to fire upon her and end her life," he confessed. "However, I did so only to save yours."
"It wasn't a life worth saving."
Teal'c could hardly believe his ears. "Do not doubt your worth, Daniel Jackson. You are as a brother to me. There are few lives I value more."
Daniel Jackson blinked slowly a few times, his eyelids seeming to grow heavy. He curled up into himself even further, turned his face into his pillow, and said no more.
He did not move from that position as Teal'c awaited Dr. Carmichael's return; in fact, he seemed to fall asleep. Once Dr. Carmichael arrived and he was sure his friend was being properly cared for, Teal'c silently left the room.
The rest of the day passed without incident. Teal'c wandered through the halls of the SGC looking first for one of his friends and then another, wanting to be sure that they were well and in need of nothing.
He found Dr. Fraiser alone in her office, but she refused his offer of companionship or aid. O'Neill he found in the gym, taking out his frustrations on a punching bag. Teal'c decided it would be wisest to leave him undisturbed, so he went off in search of Major Carter. He found her in one of the science labs with Drs. Lee and Balinsky, who had recently returned from the planet after being told they had desecrated their holy ground far more than enough and asked to leave by the magistrate. They were intently studying the devices they had brought back, so Teal'c did not wish to interrupt. He made his way back to Daniel Jackson's room then, and found that he was still unconscious.
Teal'c continued this solitary cycle more times than he could count, until finally he retired to his quarters to sleep.
The next morning, Teal'c, O'Neill, Major Carter, Dr. Fraiser, and General Hammond were all summoned to a meeting with Dr. Mackenzie. Teal'c chose to ignore O'Neill's predictable grumblings about seeing the man to whom he referred as "the head shrinker," and silently took his seat at the briefing room table next to Major Carter. Dr. Fraiser was seated across from him, and he noted with concern that she looked as though she had not slept.
Once all present were seated, Dr. Mackenzie began to speak. Teal'c did not understand most of what he said at first, but when he spoke of chemical imbalances in Daniel Jackson's brain causing his wild mood swings and depression, his ears perked up.
"So, you're saying if you dose him up with Prozac, he should be okay?" O'Neill asked doubtfully.
"Not exactly, Colonel," Dr. Mackenzie replied. "There's a lot more to it than that, for one thing, and for another, I'm not sure what effect the drugs would have on his system while Major Carter is treating him with the healing device."
"So, what then," O'Neill snapped, "are we just supposed to sit on our asses and watch as he gets more and more depressed until he finally kills himself? Cause you know that's what the folks back on Feverworld do."
"We are not going to sit idly by, Colonel, not by a long shot. I only said that medication might not be his best option at the moment."
"So, what are you suggesting?" Dr. Fraiser asked. Her voice sounded small and thin, and it worried Teal'c.
"Well, first of all, I think that giving in to his demands to be left alone will only be harmful to him in the long run. I notice he has pushed each one of you away one by one - except Major Carter and Cassandra, but that's probably just a matter of time. If this continues, he will soon find himself without a friend in the world, and that will only aggravate his condition. He needs all of you supporting him, whether he's throwing abuse at you or not."
"And eventually he'll come around and stop throwing abuse?" Major Carter spoke up.
"Yes, eventually," Dr. Mackenzie said. "In the meantime, his moods will swing up and down like a yo-yo. You'll probably find that one minute he will be almost clingy with you and the next he will push you away. Don't give in to either behaviour - make him understand that you are there to support him, not to be a crutch or a punching bag. He'll get the point after a while."
"You're making it sound like this will go on for a long time," O'Neill said warily.
"We have to prepare for the worst here, Colonel," Dr. Mackenzie said, his tone grave.
O'Neill rolled his eyes and looked away.
"Another thing I would suggest," Dr. Mackenzie said slowly, "is that he be surrounded by things that are most familiar to him. He will never regain his full memory if he stays cooped up in the infirmary."
Teal'c glanced over at Dr. Fraiser in time to see her turn deathly pale. "You... you mean... you want to send him home?"
Everyone at the table exchanged knowing glances.
"I'll take him back to my place if you want, Doc," O'Neill offered. "He knows that place as well as any."
"No... no, if he goes anywhere it should be his own home," Dr. Fraiser said, sitting up straighter in her seat. "I just... I doubt he'd be willing to go anywhere just yet with any one of us. Besides, he still has a lot of medical issues to take into account. He's really better off staying in the infirmary for the time being, don't you agree?"
Dr. Mackenzie nodded. "For now, yes," he said. "However, judging by the amount of improvement we've seen after each session with the healing device, I'm guessing he will be fit to be discharged within the week."
Dr. Fraiser looked down at her hands. "Alright," she said. "As soon as he's well enough... I'll take him home."
The room was silent for a long moment, the tension so thick Teal'c could feel it in the air. The sound of O'Neill clearing his throat soon caught everyone's attention. "Anything else?" he asked of Dr. Mackenzie.
"Yes," he said, and turned to Teal'c. "This holds especially true for you, Teal'c. Daniel's memory won't return in quite the same way this time as it did after his descension. As he regains his memories piece by piece, a lot of them will no doubt come to him out of context, and with his violent mood swings, he might have quite an extreme reaction to some of them. If this happens, just be patient and try explaining to him what really happened. He may not appear to be listening, but once he calms down again the words will probably start to sink in and make him see things clearly."
Teal'c knew Dr. Mackenzie was referring to the fact that Daniel Jackson had remembered the death of his wife and had blamed Teal'c for it. He gave Dr. Mackenzie a respectful nod.
"He's right, Teal'c," Major Carter said. "I was with Daniel a few minutes ago, and he told me about what happened with you yesterday. He asked me whether you really killed Sha're just to save him, so I told him the whole story. He was upset, but I don't think he blames you anymore."
Teal'c felt tears sting his eyes as she spoke. "Thank you, Major Carter," he said, allowing the corners of his mouth to turn upwards in a slight smile.
He happened to glance across the table at Dr. Fraiser just then, however, and the pain in her eyes made him feel guilty for his momentary relief. Daniel Jackson still had not forgiven Dr. Fraiser for whatever wrong he believed she had done to him, that much was certain. He only hoped that before long their relationship would mend and they would find happiness once again.
When Janet entered Daniel's infirmary room to take her turn at sitting with him, she was surprised to find him sitting up in his bed, sulking.
There was really no other word to describe it. His arms were folded across his chest, his lower lip was protruding just slightly, his eyes were fixed on the sheet covering his legs, and the scowl on his face was enough to sour milk.
"Daniel?" she said as she took a few steps towards him.
He raised his eyes to look at her, but other than that he didn't move a muscle. "I thought I told you to go away."
Janet tried to keep Dr. Mackenzie's words in mind as she continued to approach his bed. Whether or not he pushed her away, she had to show him that she was there for him. Hopefully, he would appreciate that in the long run, whether he liked it now or not. "I did go away," she said. "But that was yesterday. Now I'm back."
He rolled his eyes and unfolded his arms so he could pick at his sheet. "This is because of what Dr. Mackenzie said, isn't it?"
'Ahh,' Janet thought. 'So that's what he's so huffy about.' She sat down on the edge of his bed as close to his knees as she dared, ignoring the disapproving look she got for it. "You've spoken to Dr. Mackenzie, then?" she asked.
"Of course I have," he snapped. "Don't pretend you didn't send him in here."
"It wasn't me, Daniel," she said. "I had to meet with him, too."
Daniel glanced up at her, his eyes narrowed with suspicion. "What did he say to you?"
Janet took a deep breath, weighing her words carefully before she spoke them. "Well, for starters, he said that no matter what you do or say, we can't allow you to push away the people who love you."
"Yeah, he told me that, too," Daniel muttered, looking down again.
"What else did he tell you?"
Daniel started playing with his sheet again. "Lots of stuff."
"What did he say that upset you?"
"I'm not upset."
Janet all but bit her tongue to keep from continuing this futile line of questioning. "Okay," she said, "what did he say that didn't upset you?"
Daniel gave her an odd look through the corner of his eye. "What?"
Good, that got his attention. "Just tell me, Daniel. What's bothering you?"
Daniel thumped his head back against his pillow in exasperation. "He said I have to leave here soon."
Janet nodded slowly. "Yes, you do."
"And go where?" he asked angrily. "The only places I remember living aren't mine anymore. I don't want to go with you or Jack, I just want to be left alone!"
"That's just the problem, Daniel," Janet said, keeping her voice as calm as she could. "You need to remember your home, and you won't until you're there. You should want to be with your friends, but you won't until you're with them. It's a vicious cycle, I know, but..."
"You don't know."
This quiet comment stopped her mid-sentence. It suddenly hit her that he was right - none of them knew what he was going through, and couldn't even begin to imagine how frightening and confusing all of this must be. "No, I guess I don't," she said, "but that doesn't mean I can't help you through this."
He didn't reply, just turned his face away from her and stared at the wall.
No matter what she did or said during the rest of her visit, he didn't say a word. He barely even moved except to blink. She finally gave up and left the room after an hour of his silent treatment.
The next two days passed in somewhat of a blur for Janet. She alternated between spending time with a sulky, silent Daniel, going home to spend a few minutes with Cassie and make some changes around the house in preparation for Daniel returning home, and joining Sam and the team of scientists still working on finding a cure for the mind fever. Every now and then she'd fall into a bed somewhere either on the base or at home and sleep for a few hours. Then the routine would begin again.
During one of her visits with Daniel, he began to hallucinate, crying out that there were bugs infesting his bed. He worked himself up into such a panic that he had to be sedated. Other than that setback, he really seemed to be improving. He even managed to get out of bed a few times and take a short walk around the room, though his muscles cramped and spasmed in protest and he collapsed exhausted into his bed afterwards. All in all, these visits left her feeling drained emotionally and physically, especially since Daniel seemed to clam up every time she entered the room.
Her visits to the lab, however, were very insightful and almost uplifting. Thanks to Dr. Balinsky and Lt. Satterfield's translation, they had found a lot of information that was helping them a great deal in their research. Dr. James had managed to isolate a certain gene in the DNA of those who were immune that seemed to be the cause of it. He and his team were currently working on ways to manipulate the DNA of those who were not immune, using the notes of the ancestors who had managed this great feat generations earlier. Their progress was certainly encouraging. At least something was going well.
One thing about their discoveries that bothered her, however, was reading the notes they had found on why the disease was created. The people had wanted to create a weapon that could wipe out the Goa'uld in the most horrific way possible - making them relive the atrocities they had committed through their hosts' eyes. The horror their hosts had felt as they saw themselves commit evil deeds on a daily basis would become the Goa'uld's. Janet couldn't imagine anything more barbaric. Not that she felt much sympathy for the symbiote - she just couldn't imagine what something like that would put the host through.
Three days after Daniel's last treatment, Sam decided that it was time to try again. As before, Daniel seemed fine throughout the short session, but passed out as soon as Sam was finished. As before, Janet then settled in to wait by his side until he woke up.
It was almost four hours before she saw his eyes crack open and scan the room in disorientation. She pressed the call button to summon Dr. Carmichael, and he arrived almost instantly.
"You guys don't waste a second, do you?" Daniel asked before his eyelids drooped and closed once again.
Janet wasn't sure what he'd meant by that, but at least he'd spoken to her.
Later that same day, Janet was helping Sam in her lab when she got a call from Dr. Carmichael asking her to come to the infirmary right away. Not knowing what to expect, Janet rushed straight there.
When she got to the doorway of Daniel's room, she stopped dead in surprise. Daniel was sitting with his legs hanging over the side of the bed, his hands gripping the mattress as he leaned heavily on his arms for support. Dr. Carmichael and Dr. Mackenzie were both standing in front of him with their arms folded, looking for all the world like a pair of bookends. It almost made Janet want to laugh.
"What's going on?" she asked, taking a tentative step into the room.
"Ah, Janet, there you are," Andrew said with what sounded like a sigh of relief. "Daniel would like a word with you."
She gave him a questioning look, but he avoided making eye contact as he and Dr. Mackenzie crossed to the other side of the room to give them privacy. This made her more than a little nervous, but she stepped closer to Daniel anyway.
"What is it, Daniel?"
He took a wary glance over his shoulder to see if the other two men were really gone. Satisfied that they were, he glanced up at Janet briefly and patted the edge of the bed beside him.
Janet sat down and waited for him to speak.
"I... I'm sorry... for... calling you a... bitch," he mumbled after a moment of awkward silence.
Janet was genuinely shocked at this apology. She thought it must have been the doing of one of her colleagues, but she hadn't told anyone about the specifics of the incident and doubted that Daniel had, either. "Thank you, Daniel," she said. "I accept your apology."
Daniel nodded, his eyes fixed on the floor. "Good. Cause you're not. I don't even know why I said it."
Janet sighed and laid her hand on one of his. "I think you just have to relearn how to control your emotions now that your brain has been through such a trauma. It'll take time, but you'll get there."
He looked down at her hand for a long moment before he drew his hand away. "Please don't touch me," he said, his voice so low it was almost a whisper.
"Right," Janet said as she folded her hands together in her lap. "I'm sorry. Force of habit."
Daniel gave her a sideways glance, and Janet could see that his eyes were full of pain. She wished she knew how to take it away for him, but she wasn't even sure what was causing it.
"Do you know I was just walking again?" he asked.
Janet smiled. "That's great. How far did you go this time?"
"To the door and back. No pain this time, either."
"That's wonderful, Daniel!"
He swallowed hard and looked down at the floor again. "Yeah. I know. I don't forget words as much now, either. Things are getting... better."
The words sounded more like something he had been told to say than something he believed, but she was glad to hear them coming out of his mouth anyway. "I'm so proud of you, Daniel," she said. "If I could touch you, I'd give you a hug, but I guess I'll just have to settle for telling you that."
His lips twitched as though he was trying to smile, but the pained look soon intensified. "I, um..." He swallowed again and seemed to be bracing himself for something. "I want to go home," he said at last, his tone flat and emotionless.
"Home?" Janet echoed in disbelief.
Daniel sighed and turned his face away from her. "Home... where I live?"
"You... you mean... our home?"
"If that's where I live."
Janet could hardly believe her ears. "Are you sure?"
"No," he said. "But it's about time life got back to normal in some ways, right? Maybe that'll help my memory come back?" He looked at her then, and Janet could see how uncomfortable he was at the idea, yet how determined he was to try.
Janet felt her expression soften as her heart melted at the look in his eyes. "It's certainly possible," she said.
"Besides that," he said quickly, "Mackenzie said if I didn't he would come here and visit me every day."
Janet smiled. So that's what this was about. "Well, we wouldn't want that, would we?"
Daniel shook his head and stared at his knees for a long moment. Then he hesitantly raised his eyes to look at her through his lashes. "So... you don't mind having me there?"
Janet felt a strong urge to either laugh for joy or burst into tears, but she managed
to keep herself in check. "Of course not," she said. There was nothing in the world
she wanted more.