Daniel couldn't believe how scared he was. He was going home - shouldn't that be a good thing? Still, he couldn't seem to stop himself from shaking as Jack pushed his wheelchair farther and farther away from all that was familiar to him.
He hated the looks people were giving him as they passed him in the halls. Pity. He didn't want pity. He just wanted to be left alone.
Dr. Fraiser was walking along beside him. No, Janet. He had to start calling her by her first name if they were going to be living together. Her presence wasn't quite as uncomfortable for him now as it had been a few days earlier, but he still didn't understand how he'd ever fallen in love with her. Had he really been so lonely after Sha're's death? He shuddered at the thought.
He could remember things about her now that he hadn't at first. He remembered how hard she had fought on more than one occasion to save his life. That was no surprise, though - she was his doctor. Of course she would do everything she could to save him.
What he did find surprising was the memory that had come to him just after he'd woken up from his last treatment - the time he had found her sitting on the floor in a corner of her office, sobbing her heart out after the stress of Cassandra being ill. He didn't know why that memory was the first of all of his memories of her to rise to the surface, but he now remembered that day quite vividly. By the time Nirrti had come and gone and Cassandra's life was no longer in danger, Janet had been emotionally and physically spent. Daniel hadn't been able to find her and had gone to her office to see if she was there. When he saw her sitting there, her face in her hands and her shoulders shaking uncontrollably, he'd dropped to the ground next to her and gathered her into his arms. He'd sat with her for what seemed like hours, holding her and whispering comforting words into her hair as she cried out her pent up emotions into his shoulder.
The memory had confused and unsettled him, yet at the same time had made him realize that what everyone was telling him about his relationship with Janet might just be true. He remembered feeling as though his world had just come crashing down around him when he'd seen her crying, and he hadn't been able to leave her side until she was happy again. He just wished he could understand why.
When Dr. Mackenzie had told him later that day that he had to make a choice as to where he was going to go, he'd resolved to make the effort to regain his memory, no matter how hard it might be. He had to figure out who he was. He had to figure out why he couldn't stand to see Janet Fraiser hurting. He had to go home.
As they left the safety of the SGC, however, he started to regret making that decision.
"Here we are," Jack announced a little too cheerfully when they arrived at his truck. "Do you think you can climb in there, Daniel?"
"Yes," Daniel said. He shakily rose to his feet and stepped toward the truck. His legs were still very weak, so he didn't pull away when Jack took his arm to help him. Somehow he managed to climb into the vehicle without any major difficulties, and before long they were on their way.
Jack and Janet engaged in light-hearted small talk all the way, which wasn't easy as Janet was sitting in the back behind Daniel. Daniel didn't say a word, even when they directed a question or a comment at him. It was all he could do to stay calm as the familiar-yet-not-familiar scenery rushed by, and they expected him to answer stupid questions? He frowned at their inconsideration.
He was doing a pretty good job of keeping silent and calm until they rounded a corner and pulled into the driveway of a small, compact looking house with neatly trimmed windows, a wrap-around porch, and a red door. This was where he lived? He didn't recognize a thing about it.
Panic started to well up in his chest as Jack turned the engine off and got out of the truck. He'd changed his mind - he wanted to go back to the SGC. He didn't want to be stuck here in this tiny little house with Janet all day every day for the rest of his miserable life.
No, he wanted to go home, not back to the SGC. Oh God, why couldn't he remember where home was?
"Daniel?"
He suddenly felt Janet's soft hand on his shoulder and it made him jump. "Don't touch me!" he cried as he struggled to undo his seatbelt. Fight or flight was rapidly setting in, and he had to get away.
Unfortunately, his fumbling hands couldn't undo the clasp, and he resorted to yanking and slapping at it trying to break himself free. He started having flashbacks of being tied down to his infirmary bed, struggling against his restraints as all kinds of imaginary monsters attacked him from all sides. He could hear Janet's voice in his ear, but her words were drowned out by his own frightened gasps for air as his feeling of panic and claustrophobia turned into hyperventilation.
Just then, his door swung open and Jack was leaning over him trying to undo the seatbelt. "Easy, Daniel," he said in a calm voice. "It's just stuck, that's all. Nothing to worry about."
As soon as Daniel felt the belt give way, he threw it over his shoulder and scrambled for the door. Jack was fast enough to catch him as he tumbled out of the truck, keeping him from falling into a heap on the ground.
Jack led him a few paces away from the truck and eased him down onto the slight curb on the side of the driveway. "Just sit down here and put your head between your knees," he instructed.
Daniel did as he was told, still shaking and gasping for breath.
"Deep breaths, Daniel," Jack said.
Jack's voice was gentle and soothing, and he sat down next to him and rubbed Daniel's back as he tried to get himself back under control. Daniel wished he knew how to tell him how much he appreciated that, but all he could do was just not push him away.
"Better?" Jack asked after Daniel had taken a few deep breaths and was starting to calm down again.
Daniel nodded, and Jack clapped him lightly on the back.
"Good job," he said. "That's what you've got to do from now on when something gets you going like that, okay? Just relax, take some deep breaths, and tell yourself there's no reason to be afraid."
"I'm not afraid," Daniel was quick to deny. "It just... happens."
"It's the chemical imbalance in your brain, Daniel," Janet said.
Daniel turned his head to look at her. He'd almost forgotten she was there. "Will it go away?" he asked.
Janet looked at Jack and then nodded. "Soon."
Daniel felt as though she was lying about that, but he didn't have the energy to argue. His panic attacks always wiped him out, and all he wanted to do was lie down and sleep the rest of the day away.
"Come on, Daniel, let's get you inside," Jack said, seeming to read his mind.
Daniel allowed Jack to help him to his feet, and he leaned heavily on his arm as Jack guided him up the porch steps. Janet went ahead and unlocked the red door, and a moment later they were all inside.
He looked up at the sound of footsteps barrelling down the stairs to his right.
"Daniel! You're home!"
It was a good thing Jack still had hold of his arm, because otherwise Cassie would surely have knocked Daniel right off his feet. She all but flew at him and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. "It's so good to see you up and about again!"
Daniel smiled and patted her back. "Thanks, Cassie. It's good to see you again."
She finally peeled herself off of him and stepped back to beam him a smile. "So, do you recognize the place?" she asked.
Daniel took a tentative look around, his nervousness starting to grow again when he realized all eyes in the room were upon him. He could see that he was in the living room - a very nice looking living room - but he didn't recognize any of the furnishings. There were a couple of items on the mantle that he recognized as having belonged to him, things that he vaguely remembered picking up here and there on his travels, but other than that, it may as well have been the home of a complete stranger.
Until he saw the picture that had center stage on the side table that ran along one wall of the room. It was a picture of him, smiling happily with his arms around the waist of an equally happy Janet Fraiser. Their cheeks were pressed together as they posed for the camera while seated at a low table in what looked like a Moroccan restaurant. He could see that he was dressed in a suit and tie, and Janet was... well, stunning, with her hair pinned up in an attractive coif and wearing a somewhat low-cut black dress that seemed to accentuate her trim yet curvy figure to her great advantage.
Daniel suddenly found upon seeing this photograph that he could no longer deny the reality of his relationship with this woman. It scared the hell out of him.
Janet's voice broke through his swirling thoughts just as they were starting to lead him towards panic again. "Daniel? Are you alright?"
He looked at her closely for a long moment, trying to see what he must have seen in her not that long before. He couldn't. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't understand it. She was beautiful, yes; she was a lovely person, yes... but a lover? What the hell had he been thinking?
"No," he answered just as Jack, Janet, and Cassie were starting to exchange worried glances. "I'm tired. I'm very... tired."
Jack patted Daniel's arm and looked at Janet. "Will you guys be okay if I take off?"
"We'll be fine, Colonel," Janet replied. "Thank you."
"Daniel?" Jack took him by the shoulders and turned him so they were looking directly at each other. "Behave."
"Course I will," Daniel said, sounding grumpier than he'd intended to.
"Good. See you later, Doc. Bye, Cass."
With that, Jack was gone. Daniel couldn't help but feel slightly abandoned.
"So..." Janet said, sounding uncomfortable now that it was just the three of them. Daniel knew the feeling. "I guess we should get you back into bed."
Daniel nodded.
"The bedrooms are upstairs," she said. "Think you can manage that?"
"Yes." He wasn't so sure, actually, but he'd be damned if he'd admit it.
"Okay. Come on, then." Janet took his arm and led him over to the staircase.
Daniel felt the urge to wrench his arm away from her, but he knew he'd be safest having someone hold onto him just in case. He held onto the banister with the other hand and started to climb.
By the time they got to the top of the stairs, Cassie was nowhere in sight. Daniel felt rather uneasy about that. He'd hoped he wouldn't have to be completely alone with Janet for a little while at least.
She led him into the first doorway on the left. To Daniel's great relief, his legs didn't give out on him before he made it over to the big bed in the middle of the room. He even had enough energy to look around at the décor, which he found to be a lot more feminine than he ever remembered his bedrooms being. "This was m... our... room?" he asked.
Janet seemed a little embarrassed by this question. "Yes," she replied. "Do you recognize anything?"
He shook his head. "No. Nothing."
"Well, most of the artifacts and knick knacks you brought with you ended up in your office downstairs," she said. "I'll take you down there and show you once you've had some rest."
"Okay." He sat down on the edge of the bed and cleared his throat as he continued to scan the room.
Janet shifted her weight from one foot to the other, obviously just as uncomfortable as he was. "Um... I thought you'd like to have the bedroom, and I could set myself up on the pullout couch downstairs. That way..."
"I don't want to put you out," Daniel cut in quickly.
"You're not," she said, forcing a smile. "I don't mind."
Daniel looked over his shoulder at the bed. It was fairly large and looked very comfortable. He could do this... he really could. He wet his lips and swallowed the lump in his throat. He was going to do this whether he felt he could or not.
"You should stay here."
Janet blinked. "You mean, you'd rather take the couch?"
"No. Everything should be as it was," Daniel said firmly. At the anxious look on Janet's face, however, he suddenly realized the position he was putting her in. "Unless you don't want to..."
She shook her head, looking rather self-conscious. "Whatever you want is fine. As long as you're sure."
"I am. Which side was mine?"
"The left," Janet said without hesitation.
Daniel looked at the nightstand on the left side of the bed, and sure enough, there was his clock. He scooted up farther onto the bed and sat up against the headboard as he examined the other articles on the little table. There was a notebook full of notes written in his handwriting, a pen with "Daniel" written along its length in gold letters, a journal that he didn't even dare to open, and a book on ancient Greece that was obviously there for his late-night reading sessions.
Yes, this was his side of the bed, alright. Daniel's stomach took to performing somersaults as he thought of what else he must have done in this bed. He felt his cheeks begin to heat up, and he turned slightly so that Janet couldn't see.
"I need to sleep," he said. "Is that okay?"
"Absolutely. Your clothes are in the closet if you'd like to find something more comfortable to sleep in. Just call me if you need anything."
"Okay."
She turned to go, but stopped in the doorway to look back at him. "I'm glad you're home, Daniel," she said. To Daniel's surprise, it sounded as though she really was.
"Thank you," was all he was able to say in return.
She smiled and left the room, closing the door softly behind her.
Daniel kicked off his shoes and lay back on the bed fully clothed. This was going to
be a long day, he could tell, and he didn't even want to think about the coming
night.
To be continued...