Daniel's first night at 'home' felt like an eternity. He lay awake for hours, and when he finally did sleep, he was plagued with nightmares. The faces of Apophis, Hathor, and various other Goa'ulds invaded his mind every time he closed his eyes, though he still couldn't pinpoint specific things that they had done to him. He just saw them leering at him and felt afraid. He wanted to run away but found that he couldn't. He woke up each time panting for breath and not remembering where he was.
After each nightmare, he would lie awake listening for any kind of sound coming from Janet's direction. Sometimes he could have sworn that she was awake, but she never spoke and never moved. He was glad of that. It was uncomfortable enough being in the same bed with her, let alone having to talk to her.
Leroy's comforting warmth on his back kept Daniel sane that night, or at least that's how he saw it. If it hadn't been for that, he would have run screaming from the room at some point, he was sure. As it was, he had to keep fingering the pendant around his neck and taking deep breaths to calm himself down as each nightmare ended.
It had been during his trip to the bathroom earlier that day that he'd realized what his pendant signified. When he'd seen it in the mirror, he'd leaned in for a closer look and saw that it was engraved with a symbol of a bear. He remembered Sam telling him who had given it to him and what it was for, and as the bear often symbolized power and healing in various cultures, there was no doubt in his mind as to the sincerity behind the gesture. He couldn't explain why, but wearing it gave him a great deal of comfort.
Once the sun started rising, Daniel heard Janet slip out of bed and head into the bathroom. He kept his eyes closed until she was gone, pretending to be asleep. Once he was alone, he breathed a sigh of relief. 'Now for another day,' he thought. 'Wonderful.'
He heard the shower start up, and it triggered a sudden flashback. He was standing at the bathroom sink shaving, watching out of the corner of his eye as Janet shed her nightgown and stepped into the shower...
The memory was too much for him to handle. He threw the covers aside and practically jumped out of the bed, startling Leroy in the process. "Come on, boy, let's go downstairs," he muttered as he quickly crossed the room and opened the door to the hall.
Leroy obediently hopped down from the bed and trotted out of the room and down the stairs. Daniel went to follow him, wanting to get as far away from Janet as possible, but when he got to the top of the stairs he froze. He knew he shouldn't attempt to go down them on his own, but he couldn't wait around for Janet to finish her shower. He glanced over at Cassie's bedroom door, but decided against waking her up just to act as his crutch. He could do this. It wasn't like he'd never done it before.
He took a deep breath and clutched the banister for dear life. After a moment of hesitation, he started his descent.
With each step he took, he could feel the strain in his knees. He couldn't believe how weak he'd become in the past ten days. He'd lost a lot of weight, too - his pants hung loose around his waist and his sweatshirt seemed as though it was used to fitting him more snugly. His favourite clothes always wore into his shape, and they just didn't feel as comfortable as they should. He wondered whether he'd ever be fit and healthy again.
Somehow, he managed to make it down the entire staircase without falling and breaking his neck, but by the time he reached the bottom landing, he was completely out of breath. He leaned against the wall for a moment to regain his strength before he started down the hall towards the kitchen.
The dawn light was streaming through the window above the sink, so he got a pretty good look at the room as soon as he entered. It was small but functional, which, he mused, was a lot like Janet. That thought confused him as soon as it crossed his mind, so he pushed it aside and concentrated on examining the room.
At first glance, nothing looked familiar to him. Well, except for the standard appliances, but most coffee makers did tend to look the same. He didn't understand how he could have lived here if he hadn't so much as left a mark in most rooms of the house.
When he came to the refrigerator, however, he stopped and stared at the objects attached to its door. There were the typical school picture magnets here and there with Cassie's smiling face looking up at him, as well as a set of junk food magnets in the shape of a hot dog, slice of pizza, ice cream cone, and so on, but what caught his eye was the Egyptian pharaoh magnet that graced the center of the door. He remembered being given that magnet back in his college days, though who had given it to him and why was a complete blank. It took him by surprise to find that he'd brought it with him to this place and that it was still being used.
Even more surprising to him was what it was being used to hold up - a picture of himself and Janet standing on either side of Cassie with their arms around her shoulders at what must have been her high school graduation. He, or the him in the picture, looked downright proud of her as he beamed at the camera. Daniel blinked hard and looked away. It was just too much to take in.
He left the kitchen then and opened the first door he came across in the hall between the kitchen and living room. His breath caught in his throat as he stepped inside the room. He'd found his "office."
Bookcases lined two of the four walls, filled to overflowing with books and folders and even the occasional artifact. A beautiful oak desk stood across from the door, covered with papers and books that he recognized as being stacked according to his usual system, along with a computer and various other items. A set of shelves housed many artifacts and things, all of which he recognized for what they were, but some of which he didn't recall owning. All in all, he found it undeniable that this room was one hundred percent his. The photograph of him sitting on the back of a camel with the great pyramid looming in the background was even sitting on one of the shelves.
He went over to the desk to get a better look at the objects on its surface. He knew that expecting to find his one and only picture of Sha're sitting there facing his chair would be too much to expect, but his heart seemed to fall down into his shoes when he saw a picture of Janet there in Sha're's place. He clenched his jaw and tried to keep his anger buried inside as he turned the frame facedown on the desk. Then he sank down into the chair and started opening the drawers.
Within seconds, he found it. Sha're's photograph - the one he himself had taken the last time they had been together before she died. He had gone to Abydos expecting to have to break the news to Kasuf that Sha're was still missing, but when he'd arrived he'd found her there, no longer being controlled by the demon within her, but heavily pregnant with Apophis' child. He'd known deep down that it might be the last time they could be together, so he'd convinced her to pose for a picture using the camera he'd thankfully been wise enough to bring along. He'd treasured that picture forever afterwards... until he'd fallen in with Janet, it seemed.
Rage started welling up in his chest as he clutched the picture to his heart. How could he ever have stuffed his beloved wife away in a desk drawer like she was no more than an old habit that needed to be broken? "Sha're, I'm so sorry!" he said through his tears, not even realizing that he had spoken in Abydonian. He sat there for a long moment, cradling the photograph and rocking back and forth in his sorrow.
When he finally couldn't stand his growing anger any longer, he set the picture carefully down and stormed out of the room. He headed straight for the front door, turned the lock, opened it, and stepped outside, slamming it behind him.
Janet took her own sweet time in the shower, positioning herself just right so the warm water hit her aching shoulders and cascaded down her back. It felt as good as a massage. She figured she deserved it after the night she'd had.
She'd barely slept a wink as she lay there listening to Daniel moaning and thrashing about, having nightmare after nightmare. She'd almost gone to wake him up a few times, or comfort him when she'd heard him lay there panting for breath once they were over, but she knew that doing so would most likely upset him even more. She couldn't risk that, especially on his first night back at home. She didn't want anything to make him more uncomfortable about being there.
So, she'd pretended to be asleep, even though keeping to herself had almost killed her. She remembered many times when Daniel was either in the infirmary or here at home when he'd had nightmares about one thing or another. He had always welcomed her attempts to comfort him and talk about what was on his mind. She missed that. She missed his arms wrapping around her waist in the middle of the night. She missed their early morning conversations as they woke up together and discussed what they had planned for the day ahead.
She missed Daniel.
As soon as the water started to cool, she shut it off and stepped out of the tub. She took her time towelling dry, too, lost in memories of all the times she and Daniel had gone about their morning routine together.
He would be standing at the sink shaving while she showered, and once she was finished, he would step into the shower while she dressed and did her hair. Once he was done, she would give him a kiss and go off to start breakfast while he got dressed. They'd had it down to a fine art within days of him moving in.
She couldn't help but wonder whether they would ever be that in sync with each other again.
Once she was dressed, she quietly opened the door and entered the bedroom, but stopped dead in her tracks when she saw that Daniel was no longer there. She went out into the hallway and saw that he wasn't out there, either. Surely he hadn't gone downstairs by himself?
"Daniel?" she called, keeping her voice low so she wouldn't wake Cassandra.
Just then, she heard heavy footsteps in the hall below her. She made it to the top of the stairs just in time to see the front door open and slam shut.
"Daniel?" she cried as she jogged down the stairs. Fear gripped her heart as her mind went through all of the possible scenarios she might find herself in the middle of when she opened that door. Was Daniel hallucinating again? Was he trying to run away? Was he angry about something? What would he do when he saw her?
Just in case, she peeked out of the window by the front door before she went ahead and opened it. She couldn't see him, and that frightened her all the more.
Throwing the door open, she practically ran outside. "Da..." She had just started to call his name when she caught sight of something big and dark out of the corner of her eye. She turned to find Daniel sitting on the wooden porch swing to the right of the door, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.
"Daniel? Are you okay?" she asked, taking a few steps towards him while still maintaining a safe distance.
"Please just leave me alone."
Janet hesitated, unsure of what she should do. He was clearly upset about something, and leaving him alone outside while he was feeling this way was probably a bad idea. At the same time, though, she didn't want to aggravate him further by poking her nose in where it didn't belong. It was a pretty fine line to walk.
"Okay," she said, "I'll leave you alone if you tell me what upset you."
Daniel huffed a laugh and sat back in the swing. "If I tell you about it, that kind of defeats the purpose of being left alone, don't you think?"
Janet smiled and leaned her back against the railing on the edge of the porch. "Well, you know me," she said. "I have to find out everything there is to know about a situation before I decide on a course of action."
Daniel winced and looked down at his hands. "Actually, no. I don't know you."
"Not at all?"
He looked up at her then, his gaze fixing so intensely on her face that she could almost feel the lasers he seemed to be shooting her way. She forced herself to keep an open expression that he could easily read in the hopes that he would see that he had no reason to be mistrustful of her.
"I... remember... some things," he finally said. The words seemed difficult for him to say.
"What things?"
He sighed, suddenly looking deflated. "Well, I don't remember letting go of Sha're, that's for sure," he mumbled.
"You never did, Daniel. I never asked you to, either."
He shook his head and looked down again. "I don't understand why either of us would put up with that. It sounds like all we had was some kind of 'arrangement' or something."
"Actually, we were very happy together."
He shot her a suspicious look, one Janet was coming to know quite well. "Why? I mean... why you? How did..." He waved his hand back and forth between the two of them, "...this... happen, anyway?"
Janet thought carefully about what she was going to say in reply to this question. She didn't want to put her foot in her mouth over this again. He might not give her another chance. As she was thinking, she crossed over to the swing and gently lowered herself down to sit next to him. Once she was sure this move hadn't upset him, she finally answered.
"Well, it happened pretty slowly, I guess. We were just friends for years, but one day I realized I felt much more for you than just friendship. It took me a long time to work up the courage to tell you, though. Every time you were in danger, I felt like I'd died a little myself."
She watched him closely as she spoke, and he returned her gaze, his eyes roaming over her face as though he were trying to memorize every line and every curve. She remembered him doing the same thing during the early days of their relationship, but back then there had been love in his eyes. Now there was only suspicion and perhaps a hint of curiosity.
"You know about your ascension, right?" she asked.
Daniel hesitated for a moment, but then he nodded. "I don't really remember much about it, but I know what you're talking about."
Janet gave him a brief smile. "You were gone for over a year. I was heartbroken. I felt like a part of me was missing the entire time. Then, just after you returned to us, you almost died yet again. I couldn't stand it any longer, so I finally told you how I felt."
"And what did I do?"
Janet smiled softly at the memory. "You kissed me."
Daniel blinked. "I... I what?"
Janet's smile widened into a grin. "You told me you'd been feeling the same for quite some time, and you were just glad I'd been the one to make the first move."
His eyes suddenly grew dark at this, and he turned his face away from her. "Or maybe I was just saying that because I was desperate," he muttered.
Janet felt like she'd been punched in the gut. "That was uncalled for," she said quietly.
He glanced over at her again, his eyes pained. "Sorry," he said. "I just can't..."
"I know you can't, Daniel," Janet cut in. "But you did." She suddenly got an idea, and she stood up from the swing and held her hand out to him. "Come on. I'll show you."
He looked up at her for a long moment, and she could tell he was battling to control himself. Whether it was fear or anger that was simmering just below the surface she couldn't quite tell, but she knew that with one wrong move he was likely to blow. She didn't let it intimidate her, however, and stood there with her hand outstretched towards him without wavering for an instant.
Finally, he raised his hand and slowly clasped it around hers. Janet silently cheered as he rose to his feet and followed her back into the house.
"What do you want to show me?" he asked.
"You'll see," Janet replied as she let go of his hand and headed for the cabinet in the living room.
"Mind if I go to the bathroom first?"
Janet almost denied his request, until she realized that he probably hadn't gone since he woke up. "Sure, go ahead. Just don't be long."
He didn't respond, just turned and left the room. Janet thought for sure he wouldn't come back willingly, but two minutes later, there he was. He sank down onto the couch with a heavy sigh and looked at her as if for instruction.
Janet sat down next to him, a small photo album in her hands. "This is what I wanted to show you," she said, opening the cover and placing it in his lap.
Daniel stared down at the picture displayed on the first page. It was of Colonel O'Neill, Sam, Teal'c, Daniel, and Janet all sitting around in Colonel O'Neill's living room, smiling and obviously having a fun, relaxing time together. Daniel and Janet were sitting together on his couch, Daniel's arm draped casually around her shoulders.
"Cassie took that picture about six months ago," Janet told him. "That was just after we started seeing each other. We were having a sort of mock celebration for Sam after her 'space race.'"
Daniel looked at her in surprise. "Space race?"
Janet smiled. "Long story." She turned the page and pointed to the next picture. "This was later that same night."
Daniel flinched at the picture of the two of them sharing a sweet kiss as Sam and Cassie made disgusted faces at the camera.
"They were merciless that night," Janet said, laughing at the memory. "We'd just told them about us, and Colonel O'Neill kept playfully insisting we must be kidding. He kept on telling you to kiss me and prove it, and you kept on saying no, until all of a sudden you just leaned over and planted one on me. As you can see, we got quite a reaction."
Daniel swallowed hard and looked at the next picture without saying a word. This one was a picture of Janet, sitting on the very couch they were on now with her legs curled up under her, looking up at the camera with a shy smile on her face.
"You took that one of me," she said. "We were sitting here talking one evening and you kept on telling me how beautiful I looked. I kept teasing that you were only trying to flatter me, so you told me not to move and went to fetch the camera."
Again, he didn't react, just moved on to the next photograph. An odd look passed over his face when he saw that it was him, lying fast asleep on their bed amid a pile of coats.
"I took that one," Janet said. "It was just after Cassie's eighteenth birthday party. You were exhausted that day. You'd just returned to Earth the night before from being stranded on a world that was experiencing a great flood. You'd gone there to help the people evacuate, but there had been a malfunction with the gate and you were stuck. I'd been so worried about you, thinking I was never going to see you again. When you finally came back, I wasn't even on the base. I didn't see you until the next night, at Cassie's party. You disappeared partway through the festivities, and when I went looking for you I found you on my bed, sound asleep on everyone's coats. I just had to take a picture."
Daniel glanced over at her, his expression unreadable. "Why are you showing me all of this?"
"I'm just trying to make you see what our life together was all about, Daniel. It was nothing for you to be afraid of, nor ashamed of. You told me just before you became ill that no matter what happened, you would never regret our time together. We were so happy, Daniel." Her voice finally broke on the last sentence when it seemed that none of her words were breaking through.
He wordlessly turned back to the photo album and moved on to the next page. It was filled with more pictures of the two of them with the rest of SG-1 and Cassie, their makeshift family. None of them seemed to trigger a memory in him, however, until he flipped the page again.
This page was filled with pictures from Cassie's graduation party. Daniel stopped and stared at a picture of Janet leaning over the back of his chair with her arms wrapped around his neck, saying something to Cassie who was sitting cross-legged at Daniel's feet. "I think... I think I remember this."
Janet leaned forward, barely able to contain her excitement. "Oh?"
"That was Cassie's graduation, right?" he asked.
"Yes!" Janet said, nodding and grinning like a lunatic.
"Yeah... she had a big party with all her friends. We made her a cake that looked like... a painter's palette?"
"That's right."
The corners of Daniel's mouth turned up slightly, her excitement finally rubbing off on him a little. "Yeah. Then after the party we..."
His voice broke off in the middle of his thought, and his face fell into an even more sorrowful, pained look than before. He snapped the album shut and jumped to his feet. "I don't want to look at these anymore. I need some more fresh air." Without a backwards glance, he walked straight to the front door and let himself out.
Janet had to bite her lip to keep from crying. She knew exactly what he had remembered - the night of Cassie's party, the girl had gone off with a bunch of her friends for a slumber party, and Daniel and Janet had been left with the house to themselves. That had been the first night they'd made love, and it had cemented their relationship for what they had then felt was forever. Daniel had moved in soon afterwards, they were so sure that this was it for them.
The thought of Daniel remembering that wonderful night and being disgusted by it made Janet feel ashamed, embarrassed, and betrayed. In that moment, she gave up hoping that they would somehow return to the way they had been before the mind fever had struck. The best she could probably hope for was that they could regain the friendship they'd had for so many years before it had turned into love. Yet even that seemed like an unattainable goal at the moment.
Resigning herself to this realization, she got up and put the photo album back where it belonged. She wouldn't try to push him any more, she resolved. She would take care of him until he was well no matter what, but if that were all he wanted her to be - his doctor - she would have to respect that.
With that thought in mind, she made her way into the kitchen to make breakfast.
To be continued...