Daniel didn't know how he managed to survive those first few days with Janet. He seemed to be in a constant state of confusion, with part of him remembering what it had been like to love this woman and the other part of him wishing they'd never even met. The memories that were slowly returning to him were all out of order, and he couldn't seem to straighten them out in his mind so they would make sense. It made him wish he'd just lost his memory completely and been done with the whole thing.
He kept to himself for most of the first two days, sitting outside on the porch as much as possible just to get away from the two women inside. Cassandra would sometimes come out and park herself in the swing next to him whether he wanted to be left alone or not, but thankfully Janet respected his privacy and didn't push him into spending any more time with her than was strictly necessary.
Mealtimes were tense and silent, the only relief being Cassie's adolescent chatter that kept him from having to converse with her mother. Cassie was a godsend for him, really. She was the only one who acted anywhere close to normal around him. He appreciated that.
At night he had Leroy sleeping beside him and could almost forget that Janet was there, too. It was bad enough that he'd suddenly remembered the first night they'd slept together. He was determined to stick to his initial resolve that everything should be as it was before, but that didn't make the situation any less uncomfortable for both of them.
He spent the rest of his time either struggling to read the novel Janet had given him or watching television. His reading skills were beginning to improve, but not enough that he could do any kind of work. In other words, he was bored out of his skull and feeling more and more restless by the moment.
It didn't help his mood any that he still had the occasional hallucination and spent each night having nightmare after nightmare. The first couple of hallucinations threw him into panic attacks and left him cowering in the corner thinking there were monsters and aliens out to get him. Janet came to him then, touching him and trying to calm him down, and that only made matters worse. If for no other reason than to get Janet off his back, he tried to get himself to see those hallucinations for what they were - figments of his own imagination - and to just ignore them whenever they occurred.
By the time he saw a symbiote slither across the kitchen floor while he was eating dinner on the second day, he had realized that there was a certain floaty feeling he would get in his head just before each hallucination. This knowledge was exactly what he needed in order to stop himself from panicking over it and thinking it was real. He didn't even let Janet know about that one. He just closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, and went back to eating his meal.
He was surprised and a bit offended that none of his other friends ever stopped by during his first days back at home. He overheard Janet talking on the phone a few times, though, and it sounded as though she was talking to Jack. The fact that Jack obviously never asked to speak to him just made him mad. Why couldn't they all just go back to the way they were before? Why did everyone either avoid him or tiptoe around him like he was going to explode at any moment? Strangely enough, it just made him want to withdraw into himself even more.
It was Sunday, his third full day at home, when Sam came by. She brought the healing device with her, and wasted no time in getting down to business. He wished she would sit and talk to him for a while first, but she seemed to be in a hurry for some reason she wouldn't tell.
As usual, once she had given him his treatment he passed out, and by the time he woke up again, she was gone. In fact, he seemed to be completely alone. Paranoia swept over him like a wave of ice-cold water, and he rose shakily to his feet and stumbled through to the kitchen. No one was there, either.
He called out for Janet, but received no reply. He tried calling for Cassie, but heard only silence. He even called for Leroy, but the dog was nowhere to be found.
His panic was just starting to take over when he heard the front door. He rushed through to the living room, his fear swiftly turning into anger when he saw Janet there, casually taking off her jacket. "Where the hell have you been?"
Janet stared at him, dumbfounded.
"What, you just left me alone after having a delicate procedure done on my brain?" he shouted. "I could have had a seizure or something, and no one would have been here to help me!"
"Calm down, Daniel," she said, her voice shaking a little and her eyes wide. "I just went next door for a moment. You must have woken up just as I left."
Daniel was too angry by this point to listen to reason. "Oh, you want me to calm down, do you? How would you feel if you were in my place, huh? I passed out when the house was full of people who were supposedly taking care of me, and woke up completely alone!"
"Would you please stop shouting at me?" Janet was starting to get every bit as angry as he was, he could tell. "For a man who wants to be left alone all the time, you sure don't seem to like it when it happens. I would have thought you'd try to be more pleasant to be around if you don't want me walking out the door at every opportunity."
He wanted to hit her. He wanted so badly to slap that look from her face and make her feel just as afraid as she had made him feel. At the same time, he knew that hitting her would be the lowest, most abominable thing he could ever do.
His mind started whirling, his thoughts all jumbled up and confused, wanting to lash out but trying with all of his might to restrain himself. Then the floaty feeling settled over him, and he knew he had to get away before something awful happened that would be beyond his control.
Without another word, he turned on his heel and marched straight to his office, slamming the door behind him. He leaned heavily against it and sank to the floor, panting for breath and trying to settle his mind down again.
It didn't settle down at all. He hugged his knees to his chest and buried his face in his arms as rats started swarming all around him. They crawled over his feet and bit his legs and ankles as Apophis laughed in his ear and cheered them on.
"This isn't real... oh God... I'm just hallucinating... don't have to be afraid... this isn't real..."
He hoped it would end quickly since he knew it was just in his head, but it went on and on. The rats started climbing up his body, crawling along his shoulders and arms, their claws pricking his skin and making him want to scream. When he finally couldn't stand it any longer, he leaped to his feet and started grabbing at them, trying to throw them as far away from himself as possible. He swiped at the swarms of them that covered his desk, sending books and papers flying across the room. Apophis leered at him, egging him on until Daniel threw one of his heaviest books straight at his head. Then the Goa'uld suddenly disappeared.
Daniel looked around for the rats, but they were gone, too. All that was left was the mess he had so stupidly created, his books and papers battered and torn and strewn all over the floor.
His energy completely spent, Daniel sank down into his chair, leaned his elbows on the desk, and held his head tightly in his hands. He couldn't believe what he had just done. If this had happened around Janet or Cassie... He groaned at the thought. "Oh God, what have I become?"
He couldn't think any more. His thoughts weren't making sense, and the floaty feeling still hadn't gone away. With a stifled sob, he laid his head down on the desk and let his mind drift into darkness.
Janet stood in the hall with her back pressed against the wall and her arms wrapped tightly around her waist as she listened to Daniel completely trashing his office. She couldn't believe how quickly he had gone from being sullen and withdrawn to being so angry. She knew that his reaction to each session with the healing device would vary in extremity, but she had thought he was beyond such an uncontrollable outburst. It frightened her more than she cared to admit.
When the house finally fell silent again, Janet tiptoed closer to the door and pressed her ear against it. She couldn't hear a sound, and she wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand, if he had calmed down after his tantrum and just wanted to be left alone for a while, she was all too happy to oblige, but if he had hurt himself... She suddenly remembered what Brom had said to her just two weeks earlier regarding those who managed to survive the mind fever -
"Their minds never recover, though their bodies might. None who have experienced the 'mind fever' live longer than a year after. They do not know their own families... all they know is the fear and the invisible enemies they believe surround them at all times. None can live that way for long. In the end, they take their own lives."
She couldn't take that chance. Holding her breath in fear of what she might find, she slowly opened the door and stepped inside.
The mess was unbelievable, but her undivided attention was soon on Daniel. He was slumped forward in his chair with his arms draped across his desk, his head resting on its surface between them in what looked like a very uncomfortable position.
"Daniel?"
He didn't move a muscle at the sound of her voice, so she moved closer. "Daniel?" She began to worry when he still didn't react. She crossed the distance between them in half a second and gripped his shoulders. "Daniel?" she said again, giving him a slight shake.
When there was still no response, she pressed her fingers against his neck to check his pulse. She found that it was steady and strong, so she forced herself to relax. Sleeping. He was only sleeping. He must have worn himself out with his exertions and passed out.
The relief she felt at this was overwhelming. She realized then that she really had expected the worst.
Without thought to the consequences should he suddenly wake up, she ran her fingers through his sweat-dampened hair. It was starting to get long and unruly, she noticed. Daniel had needed a haircut before all of this mess started, and that had been two weeks ago. She rather liked it when there was some length to it, though she had never told him that. He'd told her early on in their relationship that he preferred her hair long, so she had grown it out just for him. If Daniel ever returned to normal again, maybe she should suggest he keep some length to his own.
She shook herself back to the present when she realized she was standing there critiquing the man's hair. She dropped her hand to his shoulder and let it linger there as she tried to decide what to do. She was reluctant to wake him up, as she didn't know how he would react to that, but she couldn't just leave him in this uncomfortable position, either.
After much deliberation, she finally went and fetched a spare pillow and a blanket from the hall closet. She gently lifted his head and slipped the pillow under it, moving as slowly as possible so she didn't jar him awake. He didn't stir even as she slipped his glasses off his nose, lowered his arms into his lap, and covered his shoulders with the blanket. She tried not to let that worry her. It was normal for him to sleep deeply for hours after each session with the healing device, after all.
Once she was satisfied that he was as comfortable as he could be under the circumstances, she stood back to just look at him. She'd seen him sitting at his desk sound asleep countless times, but somehow this time she didn't find it as sweet as she always did in the past. She realized as she looked down at him that he didn't look like her kind, gentle, loving Daniel at all anymore. Even in his sleep, he looked cold and dangerous.
She shuddered at this thought, and quickly left the room, closing the door behind her.
For the next two hours, she paced the house restlessly, debating within herself whether or not to call Sam or Colonel O'Neill to come and help her with him. Or protect her from him, if he woke up still in a rage. She wasn't sure whether to be thankful or disappointed that Cassie had taken Leroy to the park a few blocks away to watch her friend's baseball game. She could have used the company, but she was glad her daughter hadn't been around to see him like that.
She was in the kitchen when she finally heard the door of Daniel's office open. A chill swept over her as she wondered what she should expect, and she moved a few inches to the side so she would be within reach of the phone just in case.
A moment later, Daniel shuffled into the kitchen, clutching the blanket around his shoulders. His expression, while not exactly angry, definitely said, "Stay the hell away from me," and he furrowed his brow and blinked heavily in the bright light that streamed through the windows. He glanced briefly in her direction, but didn't say a word as he headed straight past her towards the counter.
Janet watched as he reached up to open the cupboard where they kept the glasses. She noticed that he seemed a little disoriented and unsteady, so when his hand suddenly fell to the counter and he started to sway, she instinctively went to grab his arm to help him.
"Don't!" he snapped, snatching his arm away from her. He raised his hands to his head and leaned forward with his elbows on the counter.
When he didn't move for a few moments, Janet finally had to speak. "Are you alright?"
"Fine. Head's fuzzy, that's all." He lowered his hands and rubbed them against his thighs as he straightened up again. When he made another attempt to get a glass, Janet could see that his hand was shaking, and he was gripping the edge of the counter with the other for balance.
"Would you like me to..."
"I've got it," he said through clenched teeth. He grabbed a glass and banged the cupboard door closed.
Janet jumped back a step at the noise, and inwardly berated herself for doing so.
Thankfully, Daniel didn't seem to notice as he reached out a shaking hand to turn on the faucet. He quickly poured a glassful of water and gulped it down, somehow managing to do so without dropping the glass or spilling water all over himself. Once he'd drained the glass he placed it on the counter and turned around to lean back against the cupboards. "God, what did she do to me?" he whispered, cradling his head in his hands again.
"It's bad?"
From what little she could see of his face, it was clear that he was trying not to cry. His face was screwed up in that unmistakable look of inner agony that she had seen on him many times before. "That was the worst hallucination I've had yet," he said, his voice sounding tight. "There were rats... rats everywhere. The feeling hasn't gone away, and I don't know what's real. God, Janet, I don't know what's real!"
Janet's heart ached to see him breaking down like this. She laid her hand on his arm and stroked it with her thumb. When he didn't shy away from her, she wrapped her other arm around his back and leaned her head against his shoulder. He let out a quiet sob as she softly rubbed his back, and before she knew it, he'd turned and enveloped her in a tight embrace.
She was too stunned to move for a few seconds as he clung to her and buried his face in her shoulder. Once she got a hold of herself, she started stroking his back again and murmuring comforting words into his ear. She could feel the tremors coursing through his body as his tears soaked her blouse, and somehow it made her feel more connected to him than she had for a long time.
Unfortunately, it was short lived. Without warning, he suddenly pushed himself away from her and rushed out of the room.
"Daniel?" She followed him out of the kitchen, but didn't catch up in time to stop him from climbing the stairs and disappearing into their room. She didn't bother to go after him, and didn't feel like she had the energy even if she'd wanted to.
Instead, she went into the living room and sank down onto the couch to mull it all over. She didn't understand what had just happened, but if she'd understood Daniel correctly, he hadn't trashed his office in a fit of rage at all. He'd been hallucinating yet again, and this time it had been worse than ever. No wonder he had passed out and been so shaken up when he came to.
Her thoughts kept returning to the way he had embraced her so hungrily and rushed away from her so suddenly. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that despite Daniel's reluctance to let her touch him or help him in any way, deep down he still craved her comfort and support. While that seemed to confuse him a great deal, he was starting to give in to it little by little in situations such as these.
She could only see that as a step in the right direction.
To be continued...