For the first night in a very long time, Daniel didn't dream. It seemed that one minute he was closing his eyes as Sam activated the healing device, and the next he was slowly waking up to a room in almost complete darkness.
He was disoriented for a moment, unsure of where he was or what had happened, but then the familiar sound of Janet's breathing brought everything back into focus. He turned his head to look at her lying in bed next to him, and he could just make out her features in the dim light. She was fast asleep, the peaceful expression on her face seeming strange to him after the events of the past evening.
Daniel lay there watching her for a long time. He was surprised that she had dared - or even been allowed - to sleep alone with him after what he'd done, but at the same time he was glad. He hadn't meant to hurt her, and he'd do anything to make her understand that he never would. If she was here, sleeping peacefully in the bed right next to him, that meant that she wasn't afraid of him. At least, he hoped so.
He kicked himself for losing control in front of all those people. He'd purposefully kept away from everyone all day just so he wouldn't find himself in that position, but then what had he done? He'd looked through the window and had seen Carmichael touching Janet. His Janet; not Andrew Carmichael's. The sight had sickened him, and against his better judgment, he had come back into the house to set the bastard straight. Unfortunately, in his anger and jealousy it seemed that he had unintentionally upset the very person he was trying to protect. Why couldn't he ever get things right?
Janet sighed in her sleep, and Daniel's heart melted at the sound. He loved her. He knew that now without a doubt. It had hit him over the head like a ton of bricks the moment he'd seen her standing there in the infirmary with her arms around Andrew Carmichael, and it had confused the hell out of him. He still couldn't understand how it had happened, but somehow he had definitely fallen in love with her.
He could remember bits and pieces of their former relationship, and how he had felt so connected to her at times that it was almost as though she were a piece of himself that had been missing for so many years but was finally back where it belonged. That feeling was gone now, and he had no idea how to get it back. He just knew he wanted it more than anything else in the world.
The night that she had woken up too soon to find him hovering over her like a madman, he had been studying her, trying to figure out what it was about her that he just couldn't live without. Was it her smile? Her gentle touch? Her kiss? No, it couldn't be any of those things, he had decided. There was so much more to it than that, though he couldn't remember what.
He knew the answer now - she had made him feel worthy. Worthy of his position at Stargate Command, worthy of having a family and friends, worthy of drawing breath that could be given to someone else, worthy of loving and being loved, worthy of being alive. She loved him so completely, even after knowing him for years and seeing him for who he was time and time again. Somehow, even after seeing firsthand what a miserable failure he was, she had still wanted to be with him. She had turned a blind eye to his faults and made him strive to overcome them. Without that, he was lost. Without her, he was lost.
For so long after losing Sha're, he had just been going through the motions, living on autopilot without really caring about anything deep down inside. Janet had brought him back to life. How could he have forgotten that?
Now it was too late. He had done and said so much that was unforgivable. She didn't trust him anymore, and he didn't blame her. He didn't trust himself either. He wanted to set things right with her, but he knew it was pointless to try. Whatever he did just ended up going wrong. So, he had resolved that until his stupid brain started working properly again, he'd be better off just avoiding her altogether and trying not to further complicate things.
If only Andrew Carmichael would keep his damn nose out of it.
He could feel anger bubbling up inside him again as his thoughts turned to Carmichael. He hated him, yet at the same time, he knew he didn't stand a chance against him if he decided to make a move on Janet. And he undoubtedly would. What man in his right mind wouldn't? Janet was a priceless treasure that any man would be beyond lucky to hold. He knew for a fact that he didn't deserve her... but then, neither did Carmichael.
Daniel bit his lip and tried to push his anger back down inside where it belonged. He had to control himself from now on. He had to prove to everyone that he could be trusted with Janet, or they would send him away. Who knew where he'd end up then?
When he realized that he wasn't succeeding in pushing his anger aside, he decided it would be best for him to leave the room. He felt rested enough anyway, and even though it was only four in the morning, he didn't feel like lying in bed any longer. So, he got up and quietly slipped downstairs.
As he passed through the living room, he noticed that the pullout couch had been opened up and was currently in use. He remembered then that Jack had suggested Teal'c stay there for the night. Strangely enough, his friend's presence gave him a sense of comfort that he hadn't expected.
After a quick trip to the downstairs bathroom and getting a drink of water from the kitchen, Daniel was stumped as to what to do next. He didn't want to wake anyone, and going outside in the cold, pre-dawn air didn't seem very appealing, so he wasn't left with many options. There was always his office, but that room held too many memories of the horrible hallucinations he'd had recently, and it wasn't exactly a place he wanted to go on his own in the dark.
Just as he was about to give up and go back to bed, Teal'c appeared in the kitchen doorway. "Daniel Jackson," he said. "Are you well? Why are you not still in bed?"
Daniel sighed and sat down at the table. "I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep," he said. "Did I wake you?"
"No, you did not. I awoke of my own accord and saw the light from this room."
"Ahh. Good." Daniel nodded and looked down at his hands. He had no idea what else to say.
Teal'c came over and sat down next to him, but didn't say a word for almost a minute. He finally spoke up when Daniel raised his eyes to look at him. "How are you feeling?"
Daniel sat and thought about this for a moment, running through a mental checklist of symptoms. "I... think the weird feeling in my head is gone," he said. "For now, anyway. And I didn't wake up with a headache this time."
"That is good news," Teal'c said with one of his tiny smiles.
"Hope so."
Teal'c tilted his head to one side. "Do you not believe you are getting well?"
Daniel was momentarily thrown by this frank question. "No... I mean yes. I'm... better, anyway."
"Indeed you are. And yet you have been acting as though you have given up hope."
Daniel studied Teal'c closely after this statement, part of him feeling that he should take offense. He didn't see anything to indicate that Teal'c had meant anything insulting by it, however, so he shrugged and looked away. "Maybe I have," he said. "Doesn't mean I've given up trying, though."
"What is the point of trying if you do not believe you can succeed?"
This question was hard for Daniel to wrap his head around, so he figured he'd change the subject instead. "Was... was Jack mad when he left?" he tentatively asked.
Teal'c raised an eyebrow at Daniel's avoidance tactic, but he didn't take him up on it. "He was not," he replied. "He was merely concerned for you and for Dr. Fraiser. As are we all."
"Good." Daniel nodded and nervously cleared his throat. "Are you done with the couch?" he asked after a moment of uncomfortable silence. "Cause then I can watch some TV."
"You may do as you wish, Daniel Jackson. You are the master of this residence."
Daniel considered this for a second or two. "Oh. Right. Thanks."
Before Teal'c could say another word, Daniel scooted out of the kitchen and into the living room. He tossed Teal'c's sheets aside, folded the couch back together again, made himself comfortable, and turned on the television.
He had never watched much TV at any point in his life, but he had found recently that it made for a lovely diversion from his troubles. There was always something on the History Channel or Cartoon Network that he could watch, and he even found himself watching the occasional soap opera or sitcom. It wasn't that he enjoyed them; they were just... there.
Hours passed before Daniel knew it, and soon he heard noises in the room above him. He looked up as he heard a door fly open and someone come rushing down the stairs.
"Daniel?"
He waved his hand over his shoulder as Janet careened to a stop at the bottom of the stairs. "Right here."
"Are you alright?" she asked as she tried to catch her breath. "I was scared out of my mind when I woke up and you were nowhere to be found. Why didn't you wake me?"
"I'm fine," he said, "and you needed to sleep." Not knowing what else to say, and having a very confusing thought cross his mind regarding her tousled hair and red face, he turned back to the television.
"Fine," Janet said. "I'll... go start breakfast."
Daniel sighed as she walked through to the kitchen. He felt as though he'd somehow messed that up, too.
Teal'c stayed with them for the rest of the day, though he spent most of the time outside with Cassie, raking up the leaves in the front and back yards and playing with Leroy. Daniel thought that looked like fun, but he didn't want to be a downer on their good time. He stayed inside and watched TV instead.
Jack came by that evening just after supper to relieve Teal'c, but Daniel was already on his way to bed. He was exhausted after his treatment the night before and his early morning. He found it amazing how tired a person could be after doing nothing all day.
By the time Daniel got up the next morning, Jack was on his way out again. Sam and Pete came to spend the day with them this time. Again, most of their time was spent with Janet and Cassie, so Daniel was left to watch TV alone. That was exactly as he wanted it.
He made a point each day to be on his best behaviour, which was relatively easy to do considering everyone left him alone. By Sunday night, Janet brought it up that he hadn't had a hallucination all weekend. Daniel accepted everyone's congratulations without dispute, but he hadn't ruled out the possibility of having more just yet.
Sunday night, Jack phoned to see how things were going. When Janet gave him the good news, he suggested they try going it alone again. Daniel wasn't sure why, but this just made him all the more nervous. What if he had a hallucination bad enough to make up for the two days without one? What if he went totally out of control and hurt Janet or Cassie without meaning to? Jack wasn't the only one who was concerned about Daniel's outbursts. Daniel feared them more than anyone.
That night passed without incident, however, and on Monday morning, Cassie kissed Daniel goodbye and returned to school. It felt strange just having him and Janet in the house again, but he tried to see it as a good thing. Maybe their life would just spontaneously click back into order, and they'd return to the way they used to be.
Or maybe it would spontaneously combust.
That's exactly what Daniel felt happened later that week. Sam had dropped by on Tuesday morning to give him another treatment, and while everything had been going just fine before she came, he knew something was different the moment he woke up from his treatment-induced sleep. He kept it to himself, hoping it would pass, but that familiar gnawing feeling in his gut just grew stronger as the day progressed.
He had nightmares again that night, but they were different from the ones he'd had before. In these, he was always looking helplessly on as he lost control and started hurting Janet. He couldn't believe the fear these dreams induced. Each time he would wake up from one, he would feel an urgent need to get out of that room and away from Janet. After three trips to the bathroom to calm himself down, he finally decided he would be better off sleeping on the couch. Once down there, however, he turned on the television and lost himself in mindless cartoons.
That day, no matter how hard he tried to shake it, he was in a foul mood. He knew he was giving Janet a hard time, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. The gnawing feeling had turned into restlessness and irritability, and he felt like he would explode with even the slightest provocation.
The provocation came.
On Thursday morning, Daniel woke up to find Janet's place in the bed empty. That in itself wasn't completely unusual, so he just got up and got dressed like any other day.
As he made his way down the stairs, he could hear Janet's voice coming from the kitchen. He figured she was on the phone, so he opted to leave her in peace and watch some television while he waited. Just as he was sitting down on the couch, however, something Janet said made his ears perk up and listen.
"No, he hasn't been as much trouble as he was last week, but that might be because he just sits there staring at the TV screen all day long. As awful as this may sound, I'm just dying to get away from him for a little while. I'm going out of my mind being here alone with him all day."
As soon as he heard this, Daniel was livid. 'Staring at the TV screen all day long?' 'Dying to get away from him?' 'Going out of my mind being here alone with him?' He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
That wasn't the end of it, either. He held his breath as she went on, "He hasn't actually had any hallucinations for a few days, and he seems to be able to care for himself more now, so I was wondering whether I could start coming back into work for a few hours each day? I know it's risky leaving him here alone, but I think it's something he needs to start doing again from time to time. I think it would be good for both of us to spend part of the day away from each other."
'So, me leaving you in peace every day isn't working, huh?' Daniel thought bitterly. 'No matter what I do, it's never right!'
Her next words made his blood run cold. "Oh, would you? Thanks a lot, Drew. I really appreciate this."
"Drew..." he muttered through clenched teeth. "I should have known it would be Drew."
"Okay, I'll see you this afternoon, then," she said. "You, too. Bye."
Daniel heard her sigh of relief even through the rushing sound in his ears. She wanted to be with "Drew" rather than him. To his mind, that proved what he had been suspecting for days - he had lost her to Andrew freaking Carmichael.
He stood up and began pacing the room, swinging his arms and balling his hands into fists as he tried to work out his aggression without actually harming anything.
As he passed the side table, however, his gaze was captured by the photograph of him and Janet in that Moroccan restaurant that he had just remembered as being their favourite place to dine. Their blissful smiles were taunting him, showing him what a beautiful thing he'd had that he was never going to get back.
He couldn't seem to stop himself. Before he even knew what he was doing, he had picked it up and thrown it against the wall with every ounce of strength he had. Glass shattered everywhere, and the frame fell to the floor in a million pieces.
Daniel stared at it in shock. He hadn't meant to do it, but somehow it had just happened. His anger suddenly melted away, leaving only misery and regret in its place. "God, what have I done?"
Janet came running into the room as soon as she heard the crash, and her mouth fell open as she saw the evidence of what had happened. She carefully knelt down and reached out a shaking hand to pick what was left of the frame up out of the pile of glass. "Why did you do this?" she asked, her voice barely more than a whisper.
Daniel swallowed hard, not sure that he trusted himself to say anything.
"Why?" she shouted without turning around to look at him.
"I... I don't know..."
She made a strangled sound as she slipped the picture out of the ruined frame and saw that it was damaged beyond repair. "You're determined to take everything away from me, aren't you?" she cried, sounding just as angry as he had felt moments before. She held up the battered photograph for him to see. "This was all I had left of my life!"
Her devastation was ripping Daniel's heart to shreds. He would have given anything in that moment to go back and change what he had done, but all he could do was stammer, "I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."
"Then what did you mean, Daniel?"
He started to feel intense anger and hatred burning in his chest as he thought about this - not for Janet, not even for Carmichael, but for himself. He blinked hard to hold back the tears that were filling his eyes, and said the first thing that came to his mind. "I just... I hate looking at that thing!"
Janet got to her feet and stared up at him with rage turning her eyes black as coal. "Then why the hell didn't you just tell me? I would have put it away so you wouldn't have to look at it! You didn't have to completely destroy it!"
"I'm sorry..."
She held up her hands to cut him off. "I don't want to hear it, Daniel. Just... stay the hell away from me for a while."
Daniel looked on in silence as she rushed out of the room and jogged up the stairs. He flinched as he heard the bedroom door slam, and threw himself down onto the couch.
"You're an idiot, Daniel Jackson," he groaned. "You're a worthless, brain-dead idiot."
Then he let the tears come.
To be continued...