Daniel passed out as soon as Sam was finished treating him, and he slept soundly for quite a while afterwards. He woke up to complete silence, but he could tell from the way his blankets had been arranged snug and warm around him that Janet had been back. The corners of his mouth twitched upwards at the thought. It was nice to have her mothering him again.
He stretched lazily and sat up, going over his usual checklist to figure out what this treatment had done to him. He was pleased to discover that there was no headache, no floaty feeling in his head, and no feeling of irritability rising up from the pit of his stomach. He felt tired, but relaxed. He only hoped it would last this time.
As he stood up, he caught a glimpse through the window of Janet sitting out on the front porch. It was such a homey sight that he felt he just had to be near her. He took the afghan from the back of the couch, wrapped it around his shoulders, and went outside.
Janet was deeply engrossed in the book she was reading, but she looked up at the sound of the front door opening. She looked confused as Daniel shuffled over to her without a word and sat down beside her on the porch swing, and when he laid down on his side with his head in her lap, she seemed downright uncomfortable for a moment. Then she put down her book and gingerly rested her hand on his shoulder.
"Everything alright?" she asked.
"Mm, fine," Daniel said, still sleepy enough that his words were a bit slurred. "Just wanted to be with you."
Janet was silent for a moment, and Daniel could almost feel her holding her breath. "You did?" she finally asked.
Daniel winced at this quiet question. She really must think he hated her. "Is that so hard to believe?" he asked.
"A little."
Daniel sighed sorrowfully. "I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ass, Janet."
"I never said you were."
"No, you haven't... but I know I have been." He huffed an ironic laugh. "I admire your restraint."
Janet seemed to stiffen at this.
Daniel was suddenly afraid that he had said something wrong. He turned slightly to look over his shoulder at her, and was stricken at the hurt look on her face. "I... I wasn't being sarcastic, Janet, I..."
Janet blinked and relaxed a little. "No, I know you weren't. Thank you."
Daniel sighed again and resumed his former position, only this time he laid a gentle hand on her knee. "No matter what I do, I hurt you one way or another," he said. "I don't mean to."
"I know," Janet said as she started to tentatively stroke his hair.
Daniel closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling for a moment. "I meant it when I said we needed to talk," he said once he felt the silence had stretched on for long enough.
Janet took a deep breath, curling a lock of his hair over her fingers. "I know."
"Some things... need to be worked out between us."
"I agree."
He slowly turned over so that he was on his back looking up at her. "We can't go on like this," he said, "barely talking unless we're fighting. I don't mean to be so... irritable. Sometimes I just can't seem to stop myself."
She nodded, her eyes looking tired and pained.
"I know you miss it... the way we used to be."
Janet swallowed hard. "Yes, I do."
Daniel clenched his jaw, anger towards himself rising in his chest at the pain written all over her face. "I wish none of this had ever happened, Janet. I wish I hadn't forgotten what we once had and treated you the way I have these past weeks. I wish I hadn't become more of a patient to you than a... lover."
"I don't."
Daniel blinked up at her in confusion. That certainly wasn't what he had expected her to say. "Y... you don't?"
She shook her head, smiled sadly, and cupped his chin in her hand. "I love you, Daniel," she said softly. "It may sound strange, but in a way... I'm sort of glad I've had the opportunity to show it. Not everyone gets that chance."
He stared at her for a moment as these words sank in. Yes, it sounded strange, but it was also... nice. He smiled and reached up to stroke her arm. "I love you, too."
Janet's mouth fell open in surprise. "You... I thought you said..."
"I know. I changed my mind. Well, actually, I remembered changing my mind once before." He lifted his hand further to touch her face, curling his fingers around her neck and stroking her cheekbone with his thumb. "I do love you, Janet. You can trust me on that."
She closed her eyes and leaned into his hand, savouring the first gentle touch she had felt from him in weeks.
"That's why I wanted to talk to you last night," he went on. "I didn't want to fight. I wanted to tell you how sorry I was... and how much I loved you."
Janet looked doubtful even though he could tell she wanted very much to believe him. "Forgive me, Daniel, but you have a funny way of showing it," she said.
Daniel touched her face lightly with the backs of his fingers as he tried to think of what to say. His heart ached for her and what he'd put her through, but he wasn't sure how to tell her that. "I know," he said. "I'm sorry. It's only myself I've been angry with, though, not you." He lowered his hand again, and took hold of the hand that was cupping his chin. He brought it to his lips and kissed her palm, and then pressed it to his cheek. "Never you."
"Then why do you want to leave?" Janet asked, her voice shaking with emotion.
Daniel just gazed at her silently for a moment, feeling overwhelming guilt that he was the one who had put that grief in her eyes and the lines of exhaustion on her face. "I don't," he said at last.
Janet looked surprised but hopeful at this. "You don't? But you said..."
"I did... before. But now I want to fix this, not walk away from it."
"Fix..."
"Us."
The look of confusion returned to Janet's face. "I have to admit, I never expected to hear you say that."
"Do... do you want me to leave?" he asked anxiously.
Janet suddenly looked like she was going to cry, but she bit it back and said, "Daniel, I want you to stay so badly it hurts."
Daniel kissed her palm again in relief, though he was still angry with himself for causing her such agony. "I'm sorry I wanted to leave you, Janet. I just... I hate putting you through all of this."
Janet shook her head. "That's what love is all about, Daniel. Sticking with each other even in the worst of times. Standing by your loved one's side when all you want to do is run away."
"You really love me that much? That you're willing to put up with so much pain just to stick with me?"
She smiled softly. "You know I do."
Daniel returned the smile. "Then I must be the luckiest 'horrible, selfish bastard' alive," he teased.
Janet gasped and raised her free hand to her mouth. "Oh, Daniel, I'm so sorry I said that. I didn't mean..."
"No. I deserved it. You were right, I wasn't thinking about how it would affect you if I..." His voice trailed off, as all of a sudden he couldn't even stand to think about what he'd almost done, let alone put it into words.
They sat in comfortable silence for a little while, and Janet took to stroking his hair again. "You never did tell me what brought that on, anyway," she said. "Why did you suddenly want to kill yourself?"
Daniel sighed, pressed her hand more tightly against the side of his face, and closed his eyes. "I'm so tired, Janet," he said. "The nightmares, the hallucinations... just in the time you were gone, I thought I saw an Unas walk by the window and a huge cockroach crawl across the TV screen."
"I thought those had stopped."
He sighed again. "So did I. I guess when that happened I just... gave up. Lost hope. I didn't want to go through the rest of my life that way. I would rather have died than that."
"You're talking in the past tense. What changed your mind?"
Daniel opened his eyes again to look at her. "You."
"Me?"
Daniel chewed thoughtfully on his lip for a moment. "I think I didn't go through with it because some part of me knew that I would miss you too much. I know I said I wanted to leave, but that was a cop-out. I knew that even if I left, I'd still be able to see you whenever I wanted to, I just wouldn't be such a trial for you anymore. Death... that would have kept us apart forever."
"You don't have to leave at all, Daniel," she said quietly.
"I know. I mean, I know that now. I wanted to leave because I hate that I've been such a burden to you. Some part of me was trying to keep my distance because I didn't want you to have to care for me for the rest of your life. I wanted to get well enough that I could go it alone, but... after those hallucinations, I figured that wasn't an option." He paused as he felt his eyes fill with tears. "I never thought you really loved me. I thought you were just taking care of me out of pity or some sense of obligation because you used to love me."
"That's not..."
Daniel touched his fingers to her mouth. "Shh... let me finish." He lowered his hand and continued, "When you came in and found me there... I hated myself even more for putting you through that kind of pain. That wasn't my intention at all - just the opposite. Then you said all those things..." He shook his head. "I never knew you felt that way. If I'd known... God, Janet, I'm so sorry."
Janet smiled tearfully. "And now that you do?"
"Now that I do... I won't give up. Even if I'm like this forever, I won't give up as long as you're with me."
"Is that a promise?"
Daniel slowly sat up, took her face in his hands and placed a tender kiss on her lips. It didn't last for long, but it was enough to put their relationship back on track right there and then. He leaned his forehead against hers and whispered, "That's a vow."
"Till death do us part?" Janet asked in a sly voice.
A slow smile spread across Daniel's face. "Something like that," he said. Then he kissed her again, a kiss that was much longer and more intimate than the first. It was the kind of kiss that only two people who are truly in love can ever share, and Daniel treasured every second of it.
When they finally separated, Daniel leaned his forehead against hers again. "Wow," he said breathlessly. "I haven't done that in a long time."
"Me either."
Daniel gave a short laugh. "Good."
Janet turned serious then. "Daniel, about Andrew..."
A wave of anxiety swept over him as his old doubts and fears refused to go away completely. "Yes?"
"I want you to know that there can never be anyone for me but you. Even if he does care about me a little more than a friend would... it doesn't matter to me. I only want you."
Daniel felt his eyes tear up again at her earnestness. "As much as I question your sanity in that... I'm glad," he said, forcing a tiny smile.
Janet laughed and drew him in for a loving hug. She kissed the side of his head, massaged the back of his neck with one hand, and stroked his back with the other, making Daniel feel so warm inside he thought he might burst.
Soon a feeling of uneasiness started nagging away at him, however. He held her tightly but tenderly and nestled his face against her neck. "I'm so scared, Janet."
"I know. But we'll get through this."
Daniel took a deep breath, mostly out of nervousness but also to fully enjoy her beautiful scent. "I hope so."
"I know so." She pulled back from him and kissed his forehead, and then guided his head back down into her lap.
Daniel smiled as she started adjusting the afghan more securely around him, and he planted a light kiss on her knee. "Cassie was right, you know," he said as he felt her fingers threading gently through his hair.
"About what?"
"Us. We just... belong."
She didn't answer for a minute, and the feeling of her massaging his scalp was so
relaxing that he began to fall asleep. The last thing he heard before he drifted
off was her whispering, "It's good to have you back, Daniel."
To be continued...