Drowning in the Mind

by yokascruz

While in a coma, Bosco remembers his life with Faith. Standalone.

I open my eyes to find myself drowning in the darkness of my surroundings. I'm in some sort of room I think, but I don't see the walls or the ground beneath my feet, everything's black. Then from the corner of my eye I see a faint light in the distance. I turn and start slowly to the light, it brightens as I near. Is this how it is when you're dead? There's a light and you follow it? But I can't be dead, I can't. I can't leave, not knowing if she's okay or not. I have to know if my sacrifice wasn't in vain. I have to turn away, I can't follow the light, it's not my time yet. My mind tells me to stop, to turn away from my final destination, but my body won't listen. My end beckons me, an invisible force pushes me forward to the peace I believe is at the end of this road. I'm losing this battle, the light is blazing brighter than ever now. Please, not now, it's not my time. Give me—give me one last chance, I have to see her again, one last time. Just as the light is about to over take me I hear a faint voices in the distance behind me. That's all I need, I turn my back to the light and immediately everything fades to grey and I close my eyes, praying God didn't change his mind and send me straight to hell.

When I open my eyes, I'm no longer in darkness, but standing in the streets of New York City among a mass of young faces gathered in front of a building at my back. This place is so familiar. I look around, this seems real, but what am I doing here? The pull was so strong, the temptation to follow the light had almost consumed me, but now I'm here. The next thing I know a woman breezes pass me, her sweet perfume filling my lungs as I breathe in a light breath. I instantly turn to her retreating form, knowing all too well who it is. She's smelt that same way for as long as I've known her, and a smile forms on my lips as I watch Faith stop a few feet away to stare up at the building in front of her. A moment later another person brushes pass me and by the way he walks I know all to well what's coming up next.

"Mother?"

"Excuse me?"

"You look like a mother."

"Yeah, actually I have two ki—You look like an ass."

I shake my head remember that day, and the way I walked away from her before she could even finish her sentence. I couldn't agree with her more. I did make myself look like an ass. Her first impression of me was probably all she needed to steer clear of my screwed up self, but she didn't. And maybe that was the biggest mistake she's ever made. The mistake of caring for someone who only ends up hurting the ones he loves. But I proved them all wrong, Faith. I protected you in the end. Suddenly, the scenery changes again, the streets and buildings of the city fades away and I turn to find myself standing in the back of a row of recruits at a firing range.

"I've been watching you."

"Really? I'm flattered. But I'm married."

I guess it did seem like a come on, but hey, she did say she was flattered. I still don't know what's going on here. Is this how things work in the afterlife? You take a walk down memory lane? Is this supposed to help me? Because it's not, it makes me miss life even more especially when I'm standing here watching her. Watching the smug, smart ass expression I have or should I say I had on my face when I talked to her at the firing range back in the Academy. Feeling the regret of being so rude to her.

"Come on, you'd have a better chance if they let you throw the gun at it and count it as six if you hit it."

I can't help the laugh that escapes me. Wow, I really had a way with words didn't I? Especially with a woman I hardly even knew. But back then, ever since the beginning, she was always different. Faith, at first glance, looked like the most approachable person in that line. She stood out in that crowd of wannabes and more so she stood out like a sore thumb because of her horrible shooting. I knew that was my ticket in, I knew she'd help me and in return I'd help her. And for the first time in my life, I had been right, I had read her right, I knew the kind of person she was before I even really spoke to her. We graduated together and not too long after that, we were partners. After surviving the Academy together, I knew we'd always be there for one another. The scene fades again and this time I find myself in the back of an RMP.

"How do you do it everyday?"

"I just think of him as one of my kids. Puts it in a whole new perspective."

"If we're gonna go, let's go!"

"Most kids grow up."

Gotta hand it to, Sul. He's the king of the one liners. Especially when it involves putting me down. I guess that's how it was in the beginning, it was that way for a long time. I was just another one of her kids. I never gave her a reason to believe other wise. I was immature and for a long time she'd have to lecture me, scold me, make sure I didn't make too big a full out of myself. Faith always cared, always cared when I was sad or angry, and I always depended on her to make the pain go away. She was always able to. She cared when no one else would, and it had always been enough.

"You know, you can be a real jerk, you know that?"

"But you love me anyway, right? Huh? Right?"

I stand and watch us in front of her apartment. She knew she didn't have to answer me. And I didn't need to hear her say the words because I already saw how much she cared by just looking into her eyes. Those were good times. Fred and I actually got along with one another, I'd actually spend a lot of time with her family. We'd go to her house for dinner almost everyday of the week. I miss those days, it was so comfortable, so natural. It's hard to believe how different things are now. I close my eyes, turning from the scene as I walk back out of her apartment, but instead of being in her hallway, I'm now standing in the darkness of night under a familiar bridge.

"You're gonna be sad in the morning."

"I'm gonna be sad in the morning anyway."

From where I stand, I can finally see how much pain she was really in that night. It's written all over her face, I should've looked at her more that night. I should've seen the emotions she was struggling with inside. That night for the first time in our partnership, she took justice into her own hands. There was a voice in the back of my head screaming that is was wrong, but as I watched Caesar force himself on Faith and watched as she struggled to get rid of him, my mind was made up. I grabbed him off her, kneed him in his stomach, and left him there, crying on the street. Even if it was wrong, morally or politically, I didn't care, it was her decision, she believed it was the only way to stop the horrors of a criminal like Caesar. And I swore to myself I would take the truth to my grave in order to protect her.

"I'm your partner. I was there for you. I'll always be there for you."

And I meant it. There's was nothing quite like the bond between partners and with Faith, she made it so easy for me to trust her. I just had to let her know, she could trust me too, that I'd always have her back, I'd always put our partnership first. I remember sitting in that car with her, knowing I'd always cherish the bond that had developed between us. Faith was special, she's always been special. This is so overwhelming, all these memories being played out right in front of me. It's giving me a different perspective, I'm learning more about my life than when I was actually living it. I'm experiencing the calm right now, the storm will hit soon, I can feel it, and then the real spiritual cleansing will begin.

"Faith, I screwed up. Real bad."

"Oh, don't tell me. You slept with the Captain's daughter? Oh, whoops, you already did that."

I smile as I watch her laugh. Her sense of humor caught me off guard at times. Especially that day, I was really screwed, I seriously did a bad thing and then there she was laughing at me.

"Your gun? Bosco, that is armed robbery."

"Oh, man."

"I thought you checked the stalls."

"I didn't know you were gonna confess to armed robbery."

"Armed robbery?"

I smile, watching Sully shake his head and Davis just staring at me as he walks pass. They must have thought I was such an idiot back then. Hell, watching myself now, I think I'm an idiot. I don't know what came over me that day.

"Do it on your own time, Boz. I'm done."

"Come here, come here! You gotta help me, you're my partner."

"Hey, wouldn't that be like hindering prosecution or something."

"At least."

"Don't listen to them. I swear to God Faith, I swear I'll change, I'll get help, I really will."

"Therapy. Licensed, able-to-prescribe-medication type therapy."

"What, like laying on some couch talking about how my mother didn't potty train me right?—fine, okay fine."

She didn't have to help me. But I knew she felt obligated, we were partners, that's what partners do. Help each other out. But me, I always got myself into these stupid messes and it was wrong for me to always expect her help to get out of them. And over the years, more and more, I realized that Faith was the one getting me out of trouble, rarely vice versa.

"You lied to me?"

"Yeah, I lied to you! Can we please get out of the middle of the road?"

"You looked me in the eye and you lied to me. I felt bad for you."

I'm in the back of the RMP again, but I don't wanna be here sitting behind her as she utters my name. I look over at the driver's seat and then back at Faith. I look at her reflection in the side mirror and I see a tear escape her eye. It breaks me to see her cry, I don't wanna remember this day, I don't wanna be here. I turn back to myself. Look at her, dammit! I wanna scream for him to comfort her, to take that pain away from her, but I knew he wouldn't because at the time I was angry. So angry, but so devastated at the same time because it was the first time that Faith had ever been dishonest with me, lying straight to my face. And it hurt, I hadn't expected it to hurt so much. She was my one real friend, the only one I trusted and she was dishonest. The fact that she could lie to my face like that, so easily, scared me. I didn't want to be another person in her eyes, I wanted to be special. I damn well worked hard to special. To become in her eyes, someone she could trust, someone she could rely on, someone she knew would put his life on the line for her, but that all went up in flames because she couldn't be honest with me. I didn't talk to her the rest of the shift that day. As I look back on it now, it's just another thing I regret. I should've understood, I should've showed her that I cared even if I was angry with her. She was hurting and I let her down.

"Sorry I got you into this."

"I could have stayed in the car."

Another jam, another mess I got myself into that day I beat Ma's jagoff boyfriend. He deserved it, Faith knew he deserved it to, that's why she let me go as far as I did with him that day at his work. She pulled me off before I killed him. She was there, watching my back, making sure I got out everything I was feeling. I remember talking to her that night while we waiting for the DA. I didn't wanna beat my wife, I told her that, I was scared of becoming my father, scared of losing control. But Faith, being my voice of reason, told me otherwise. She knew me, she knows me, so well. Better than I know myself sometimes and I don't—I really don't know how I would've made it through all those years without her by my side.

"Man, you are really touchy today."

"Look, go find someone to beat up."

"That hurts."

I should have known. God, forgive me. I should have seen the changes in her.

"You blow chunks in the car, you're cleaning it up, you hear me?"

"And they said you aren't compassionate."

"Who does?!"

If I had known at the time, that she was sick. I would've never—I wouldn't have been so cruel. I didn't know, how could I? But it kills me that I didn't notice the paleness in her skin, her tired eyes and the dark circles under the. I should've known something was wrong. She wasn't well, she was sick, sicker than I could have ever imagined.

"All things that we've learned, that we can't control in this world—and you're gonna surprise me with this?"

"I—I just didn't want to be dumping my stuff on anybody."

"It's me Faith. It's me. I'm not anybody."

I don't even wanna look at her while she stands there, watching her partner walk out on her. She just stands there. I walk around the locker to get a better view, but what I see breaks my heart. Faith slowly sinks back against the wall, her knees giving way as she slides slowly to the ground, crying and covering her face with her hands. I shouldn't have walked away. I should've stayed. My partner, my best friend, my—Faith, she was sick and when she finally told me I walked away. How stupid can I get? She needed me, like I've needed her more times than I can count, and I deserted her.

"Don't do that again."

"I'll tell you everything."

"Don't get sick again."

I had a feeling I might have revealed a little too much of how I really felt about her but I knew she'd just ignore it and move on, reinvest in our partnership. We agreed that night, we agreed to be honest. We rebuilt our trust in each other that night. It was a proud moment for us both, but I was the one who had to screw that up. I can still see the sadness in Faith's eyes the day I lied to her about the dying declaration. I knew she didn't believe me, when everything in her wanted to trust me, but I knew she didn't. Because after I lied to her, I saw the light from her eyes vanish, all was left was an expression on her face that—that I'll never forget. I hurt her, so much, I hurt her when hurting her was something I promised myself I'd never do. I took what we had for granted. And for what? A woman I thought I loved? Cruz was the devil in disguise, I should've seen through her sooner, I should've listened to Faith, to my partner, to the one person who's always been there when I really needed her. My biggest regret of them all, letting Faith down in a way I had never let her down before. Everything went down hill from that day I lied to Faith. I walk forward, through a doorway and I enter a room in the upstairs section of the House. I know what's coming, I don't wanna hear or see it, but I know I won't move to another memory if I can't face my demons.

"You know what? I don't really give a damn what you think anymore."

"Then maybe you should find another partner."

"Done."

I hate myself. That look in her eyes. We were drifting farther and farther away from each other, I knew we were both hurting, but I was the jagoff who let my anger get the better of me when deep down I was crying out for her to help me. I walk down the steps and push open another door, to find myself in the locker room, Faith grabbing her things from her locker. No—I can't live through this again. When is this nightmare gonna end? Faith's about to leave and I close my eyes when I hear my voice speak up from in front of my locker.

"No I couldn't be one of your kids because I actually see you. Your kids don't have a mother. Maybe rollin' up on your daughter in a squad car counts as quality time."

"You son of a bitch."

"You got a great set up, things go wrong with the kids you weren't even there. You got Fred to blame at home, you got me to blame at work, and then there's saint Faith, the martyr. You really think that you've been carrying me around?"

"You're a little boy Bosco, you're a selfish little boy. I used to feel sorry for you, but now I just want you the hell away from me."

"Why not? That's the way you handle people. Keep um at a distance as soon as they become a problem."

"Yeah, well, this problem is solved."

"It's about time."

Go after her! Don't let her walk away like that, stupid! Stupid! Son of a bitch! How could I say that to her? How could I tell her those things, how did it come out of my mouth when the whole time I couldn't help seeing the pain behind those cold eyes of hers. I don't deserve Heaven—God, just send me straight down to where I belong. I destroyed the most precious thing I had in my life. I destroyed what good You let into my life, I'll never forgive myself for the way I acted that day and so many other days before and after that.

"Why me, Bosco? Why is it always me?"

"Because you're the only one—Faith, I don't' have anyone else."

It was the cold hard truth. When all else failed, when everyone else looked the other way, I knew I'd have her. Maybe she was reluctant at first, but even if our relationship had hit rock bottom and nothing was the same between us, I knew deep down she still cared, that she'd help me. I used that, I was selfish and I used her concern for me against her. I should've never involved her. Never, but once again I let my stupidity get the better or me. I'm the reason she was in that hotel room—it's my selfishness that nearly cost me everything. I look around, and suddenly right in front of my eyes, everything starts coming at me all at once. Flashes of memories, good and bad, they overwhelm me, I struggle to keep my feet, but I'm falling, I'm drowning in my own mind.

"You remember saying the reason I'd never be a great cop? Is cause I—I don't follow through. I half ass the paper work. Well, guess what? My partner never does. Never. That's why together, me and Yokas are one great cop."

"It worked—she bought it."

"Good—now go away."

"I used to stop by Faith's place, have a drink with her and Fred, you know, play with whatever toys Charlie got."

"They still out of town?"

"I think so. I don't know. Never really heard. I don't know how I would hear."

"Do you wanna go by there?"

"No. No."

"Bosco, I want you to ask Swersky to put us back together."

"You do?"

"If I'm coming back, I'm coming back all the way."

"I thought you wanted me out of your life."

"All the way."

"You don't want to be with me, Faith."

"It's not a matter of want."

"I can't do it. I can't handle the responsibility anymore."

"What responsibility?"

"For you. For whether of not you get hurt."

"You don't have to be responsible for me."

"If we're partners, yes, I am."

"Look, I'm gonna do my job exactly the way that I did it before that day. That means with you, in 5-5 David."

"I just...I don't think it's such a good idea."

"I'm not asking you. That's my car, and I'm gonna be with you in it tomorrow."

STOP! I can't take it anymore! Please! Just stop this!

"Oh, no. It ain't over. That punk ass ratted out my entire team on some BS case and comes off smelling like he did his civic duty. And then I got these two over here acting all buddy-buddy in my own damn house."

"Don't put your hands in my face again."

"Or what?"

"Or what?"

"Yeah. What?"

"You want some more what?"

"You don't think so? I don't know how many times I can tell you this. Listen to me. And listen real close. If you hurt my brother I'm gonna kill you. And that's a promise."

"No, you don't. But you should. You're no better than a criminal yourself. You don't get to cry! You don't get to cry!"

"Hey guys—."

I fall to my knees with my hands covering my ears and my eyes shut tight. I want it to all go away, I don't wanna have to see the horror show of my life anymore. It can't end good, it doesn't end good, that's why I'm here. That's why I'm lost and alone. I listen to my heart beating painfully in my chest as I try to slow my breaths. It all came, every memory, every emotion, everything had hit me all at once. I don't know how long I stay in this position on the ground, but when I gain the strength to open my eyes I find myself back in the place where I started. I find myself once again drowning in the darkness and that faint light in the distance. This time I know better, this time I know it's not my time yet. The pull may be magnetic, but now I know it's a battle I can win. I close my eyes and concentrate letting the years of my life flash in my mind, good and bad, I let them all come, I won't run from my demons anymore.

"Bosco?" I hear her, Faith, I can hear you. "Bosco, please—come back. I—I need you, Bos. Please—come back." I'll never leave you. I suddenly feel her hand in mine now. I will my eyes open and this time I'm not in a dream, but looking straight back into her beautiful eyes. "Oh, my God—."

"Faith."

Now I know I'll never drown. As long as I can remember her, the darkness will never take me.