Chapter 16

After the bright sunlight of the afternoon, the interior of the house was cool and dim, and she had to struggle to focus her gaze clearly enough to see where Angel was. At last she saw him, in the living room looking intently at the garden through the window.

He was just standing silently; tall and dark in the black trousers and shirt he had worn that morning, hands deep in his pockets as he stared outside.

Because his back was to her, there was no way that Buffy could judge his expression, and so his mood. But something about the set of his shoulders, the dark head slightly bent, was so expressive of defeat and depression that it wrenched at her heart, making her take a couple of hasty steps towards him.

"Angel?"

Her voice was just a croak, barely audible, but he heard it and spun round at once. Shock, surprise and something else, something raw and uncontrolled, flashed across his carved features just for a second. But almost immediately his face closed up again, that smoothing effect being used once more in order to erase the revealing expression.

But this time the technique wasn't quite so successful. For one thing Buffy had seen it before, and so she was alert to the signs of control that didn't quite match with the nonchalance he was trying to display. And for another she could see the tension at the corners of his mouth, the shadowed eyes, the tightness of skin across his cheekbones and round the clenched jaw.

"What do you want?" Swallowing hard, she drew a deep, calming breath.

"I need to talk to you."

"I already explained. Darla and I have never been together. If you can't trust me then we've nothing to say to each other."

"I'm sorry...after what happened with my father I...I became distrustful. He let me down the worst possible way."

His smile faded, his eyes looking deep into hers, his love burning there, clear for her to see.

"Oh God...Buffy," he said huskily. "Come here and kiss me!" Willingly she went into his arms, her face already lifted for his kiss. Once more she was crushed against his strength, held so tightly that she could have no hope of breaking free. Not that she wanted to. This was where she belonged, where she would spend the rest of her life.

Angel's kiss took her lips with a gentleness that seemed to draw her soul from her body. But a second later his mood had changed completely, becoming warmly sensual, then deeply, demandingly passionate, his hands moving over her body in a way that set every one of her senses alight.

"Buffy!" Angel muttered against her lips. "The way you make me feel is not at all appropriate to where we are. My thoughts are definitely not fitting for my grandmother's home."

Buffy turned wide, innocent green eyes on his face, noting the glitter in his own eyes, the wash of color in his cheeks.

"Really?" she teased. "And where would they be fitting?"

"You know, you little witch! You don't need me to tell you."

"No," Buffy agreed, running her hand slowly down his body until it came to rest on the leather belt that encircled his narrow waist. "But I think it's time we found somewhere more suitable, so that you can show me."

A deep chuckle sound behind them. Darla appeared clapping her hands vigorously.

"Bravo! You're an excellent performer."

"Not this time Darla...I won't believe you lies. I trust him." Buffy said smiling at Angel.

"I'm not lying." Darla's voice was menacing.

"What do you want?" Angel said gritting his teeth.

"I want you to be honest and tell her the truth."

"Do yourself a favor and leave, before I have you thrown out."

"Not before I tell her our happy news. Buffy...Angel and I are going to have a baby. That's what we were discussing this morning, when you interrupt us."

"Angel...please tells me she's lying." Angel turned away from her with a guilty expression on his face.

"It's not a lie. you see about three months ago, he asked me to meet him in Chicago. He was worried about his grandmother health. And I believe he was there on business...the construction of a shopping mall or something like that. He was a little down. Apparently you were giving him a hard time. Anyway...he got drunk and woke up in the morning in my bed..."

For a long moment there was silence. Then, "You bitch! You did it deliberately. Didn't you?"

"It doesn't matter. The reality is that I'm pregnant with your child. What are you going to do about it?"

Buffy didn't want to hear anymore, she ran and went straight to her room. No, it couldn't be true! She had to be dreaming. She was trapped in a nightmare from which she desperately wished she could wake.

Frantically she pinched at her hand, her arm, praying that the small, self-inflicted pain would break through the trance that held her and force her into consciousness. But nothing happened. There was nothing to happen. She was wide awake, this private hell only too real.

"He'd lied to her."

Buffy was packing her suitcase in haste. All she wanted to do was to leave immediately. She heard her bedroom door open, but didn't look up. She knew it was Angel.

"Buffy...I..."

"Leave me alone! How could you lie to me this way? You said..." she couldn't go on her tears were choking her words.

He grabbed her by the shoulders, forcing her to look at him.

"Baby...I'm sorry. I was too drunk. I don't remember any of it. She could be lying."

"Don't touch me. Don't you ever dare to touch me again."

"You don't mean it. I know you love me. Please...we can work this out."

"I may love you, but I'm not going to forgive you. The wedding is off. Go and marry Darla, give your child a home."

"Can't you get it into your head, Buffy? I am not going to give you up. Have you thought you could be carrying my child, too? I don't recall that we used any protection, and I seriously doubt you are on the pill, given you were a virgin."

White as a sheet, she stared up at him. "You ruthless bastard," she burst out unsteadily. The thought of pregnancy had never entered her head.

His fingers tightened on her shoulder and he jerked her up against his hard, masculine body. "Maybe, but our child won't be." He swore roughly before his dark head bent and brought his mouth down fiercely upon hers, forcing her soft lips to part at the possessive thrust of his tongue.

An unexpected surge of need went through her body as his hand settled low on her back, pressing her against his hard muscled thighs. Only when she surrendered in his arms, he deserted her lips to lift his dark head.

"I love you and you love me. What more do you want?" Lowering his head, he let his lips feather across hers. "Trust me, everything will be fine."

Buffy fell back from him, shaking like a leaf. "Fine?" She had never hated herself as much as she did at this moment for surrendering to him. With self-loathing came anger, and with the fear of pregnancy fresh in her mind she lashed out at him in the worst way she could think of.

"Fine?" she repeated scathingly. "Is one bastard child in the family enough for you, Angel?"

He stepped back as if she had struck him. His face draining of all color. His face was an impenetrable mask as he stood looking down at her, a mask carved out of granite. His temper was firmly under control, Buffy thought as she warily raised her eyes to his.

"I'm not pregnant. If you must know my period is due in a couple of days. Face it Angel. It's over."

"You don't mean that!"

"I do mean it, Angel! I mean every word I want you out of my life, right now, and..."

"Buffy you can't mean this! You can't end it now." He said in desperation.

"I can do whatever I want."

"But...Buffy, my love..."

"Don't call me that! If you call me that again, I swear I'll kill you! My love!" she echoed cynically. "My love my love! You don't even know what the word means!"

"I know what it means to me," Angel snarled. "It means that I cannot let you go. That without you I can't sleep, I can't work, I can't live! Without you my life is empty, unendurable! I love you, Buffy. I always have, and I always will."

"I don't believe you."

"Damn it, Buffy!" Angel blazed, covering the ground between them with swift, angry strides.

Reaching her side, he caught hold of her chin, lifting her face to his, studying it so intently that it seemed he wanted to commit every feature to memory in case he never saw it again.

"Loving you is not a choice I made. It's who I am. I could no sooner stop myself from loving you than I could will my heart to stop beating, my body to stop breathing. I fell in love with you in the first moment I saw you. In that moment I was lost and I knew I would never be the same again."

Buffy couldn't think, could barely see his white drawn face, so close to her own. She could only focus on the fathomless pits that were his eyes, drawing her in deeper and deeper until she felt she was drowning in them.

Abruptly Angel released his grip on her, his hand falling away to his side.

Buffy lifted shaking hands to her head, pressing her fingers hard against her temples to ease the pain that throbbed there.

"I think it would be better if we put an end to this, right here and now."

"That isn't what I want."

"Well, it's what I want, damn you!"

"What do you want?"

"I want..."

Tears blurred her vision, making it impossible to focus on his face, but she wouldn't let them fall anymore, even though it meant she couldn't actually see his expression.

"I want a love that includes commitment and trust, and a hope of a future together. And we don't have that."

"Buffy..."

Angel's hand closed around a slender wrist, the other clamping itself to her waist, holding her prisoner when she would have twisted away.

"Buffy, what we have is too good to lose."

He was coming close. Too close. His warm lips were on her forehead, pressing gentle kisses on her skin.

"Can you really bear to live without it?"

God help her, he had only to touch her and already she was melting. With an effort that broke her heart she wrenched herself out of his arms, driving herself halfway across the room as she did so. Unshed tears made her eyes brilliant as she forced herself to face him.

"It won't work! I can't do it! I can't live like that! I won't live like that. So it has to be over. I want it to be over. That way you can give your child a home, and I..."

She couldn't finish the sentence. Couldn't say that she would find someone else. Because if she couldn't have Angel, then there would be no one else she could ever love in the same way.

"Buffy..."

"Please, don't make this harder."

"No! I won't let you walk away from me. Please..." There were tears in his eyes, and she looked away.

"No, Angel," she managed flatly, lifelessly, the words dragged up from the very bottom of her desolated soul. "Don't say any more. There is nothing you can say. I've made up my mind and there's no way I'm going to change it. I want you out of my life." She took off her engagement ring and offered it to him.

"Where shall I put this?"

"How about back on your finger?"

"I can't."

He turned away impatiently, "Leave it there, I don't want it."

"It's valuable!"

"Unless you are wearing it, it has no value at all." His voice was hard as his face and he simply took the ring from her hand and threw it away.

Tbc...