(diclaimer, etc.. see prev chap)

a/n: song used here is 'I don' t want to' by Toni Braxton. Hope you'll like it! Cath's POV

Chapter three: I don't want to

I really don't feel like talking on the phone
and I really don't feel like company at home
lately I don't want to do the things I used to do
Baby since I lost you

I found myself staring outside the window again. Again I'm staring outside and wish that I would see a glimpse of him. To the every second that passes by that my wish has not been granted a tear rolls down my eyes.

And yes, you could definitely say that I'm about to drown with the amount of tears that I've already managed to cry out.

But what can I do, lately it has become my hobby ... or rather my routine.

I go to work, I try to concentrate but I can't. I go home frustrated that I have not finished anything at work, I take my daughter to school, then I go back home, I take a shower I crawl to bed and end up crying with the memories of the times I've spent with him in the very same bed.

So I go sit by the window, then I anticipate for him to show, then reality hits back and I start to cry. Then I fall asleep crying, then I wake up thanks to the alarm clock, I go take a bath sobbing.

And I don't want to sing another love song babe
I don't want to hum another melody
I don't' want to live my life without you babe yeah
It's driving me crazy (crazy)

My phone is ringing again, probably for the hundredth time. I don't want to answer it, I know who it is, its Warrick. And I don't want to talk to him, not now.

All I want is to be alone. I couldn't even spend that much time with my daughter. Well, maybe I could but I wouldn't. I don't want her to see me like this. I love my daughter and I enjoy every minute spent with her, but every time we talk she wouldn't stop asking me about him.

Her 'Dad'

Why did she have to call her that?

Why did he have to commit himself this much to my daughter?

Why did we have to be such a family?

Why did he have to leave?

It's really hard for me to do anything. Even before we had a romantic relationship, he and I were very good friends, we do everything together and now all of a sudden he's gone. It is only now that I realize how dependent I have become on him.

I don't want to do anything that would remind me of him ....

Basically, that would mean I can't do anything at all

But when I do nothing, I would just think about him.

So you see either ways, I would always end up thinking about him and that would lead only to one thing .... crying.

Oh but wait, when I do nothing I could always think of something else .... but .... Oh man! I would still end up thinking about him.

I know! Why don't I just stop on breathing?!

Oh jeez, Catherine, you are nuts! A pathetic, obsessed, foolish martyr!

Why don't I just sleep? Oh yea, I couldn't, coz I can't stop thinking of him. And even if I fall asleep, my dreams would be of him and that's the reason why I'm sobbing every time I take the a bath coz happenings from my dream is coming back to me.

I know I look like some pathetic fool

I know you think of me to be so pathetic

I know that coz even I pity myself

I know that coz if I were on your shoes I would see a woman who acts like this to be weak and pathetic, but what if you are the one on my shoes?

What if the man who fulfilled all your fantasies and hopes, the man whom you saw forever with, the man who promised you every thing, the man who gave you everything .... Would come by your house, say good-bye and sped off.

You may tell me that you'll get over it.

That you'll think that it's their lost not yours.

But all those are the things that you could only say, things that your mind decides about. Trust me, once you experience it, it would be a whole new different story.

It's so easy to give advice to people, to analyze situations, to say: If that happens to me I would do this and that. But all those are just the things you think you would do, but have you ever thought of the kind of feelings you'll be dealing with at those points?

I really don't feel like smiling anymore
And I haven't had the peace to sleep at all
Ever since you went away, baby my whole life has changed
I don't want to love and I don't want to live

I feel a little bit of anger.

Why did he left just like that?

I feel a lot of worry.

Where is he? Is he alright? How is he doing?

I feel betrayed.

One minute he's saying I love you the next he's bidding me good-bye.

And most of all .... I'm confused.

And I don't want to sing another love song babe
I don't want to hum another melody
I dont' want to live my life without you babe yeah
It's driving me crazy (crazy)

No I cannot say that I feel hurt, and that my heart is shattered into a million pieces, coz all I feel right now is not concentrated on him leaving me but to the reason of his departure.

I am not so sure of what to feel actually, but hey feelings are feelings ... emotions are emotions .... Honestly, who could really understand it?

I've been this disturbed ever since I accepted the fact that he has left. But come on, we all go through rocky points on our life, it just so happens that mine just happens to be the rockier and longer one.

I don't wanna laugh, I don't wanna play
I don't wanna talk, I don't have nothing to say
I don't want to tour, forget the show how can I go on
Now that you're gone

When is the last time I ate?

I can't even remember. Maybe I did eat; I'm just too preoccupied to savor its scrumptiousness and that's the reason why I couldn't remember.

Or maybe, I haven't really eaten. I wouldn't be surprised, I have lost interest on everything, and the only thing that keeps me moving is the sight of my daughter. And she's not here now, she's at school, and she'll be spending the weekend with my sister.

Guess what that means ....

It means more contemplating and crying time for me.

If I'm not hurt, okay let me rephrase that, I am hurt but only a little coz I feel a lot of other more intense emotions right now, but why am I crying?

Hmm..

Oh I know! Coz I miss him. And coz I want to live again but can't coz I don't know how to live without him. Coz I feel sorry for myself and I hate that feeling. Coz I have lost control over me, confusion and longing has successfully taken over my life.

And coz I don't want to be pathetic

I don't want to mourn

I don't want to worry

All I want is for him to be back.

I don't want to think

I don't want to feel

I don't want to live

But I want to hope.

And I don't want to sing another love song babe
I don't want to hum another melody
I dont' want to live my life without you babe yeah
It's driving me crazy (crazy)

TBC