Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoilers: none

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! the song used here is 'All at once' by Whitney Houston, hope you'll like it!

Chapter six: All at once

All at once
I finally took a moment
And I'm realizing that
You're not coming back

I'm now here standing face to face with Gil. It took me days to get enough courage to face him, and now I'm here. I'm here to reassure myself that he still loves me.

I'm here to confirm his love and loyalty to me.

I'm here to let him clarify and correct me... that it was not him whom I saw at that restaurant a couple of days ago.

"Gil – "

"I'm sorry Catherine; I have a new life now"

"What. What, are you saying?"

"I have someone else"

And I look deep into his eyes, but he looks the other way. He doesn't want to look at me, he doesn't want me to see his eyes, he doesn't want to see my eyes... maybe he's afraid to see the hurt in it, or maybe he doesn't want to feel guilty. Either way, he has made it clear ... he doesn't want me anymore.

So I start walking away, not bothering to look back, I'm afraid that the other woman is already standing beside him... I don't want to see it.

I want to be alone ... just alone ... always alone.

And it's finally hit me all at once
All at once I've started counting teardrops
And at least a million fell
My eyes began to swell

When he left I denied everything for so long. When I came here to find him, and I saw him with that other woman, I denied again, but this time there's no denying it. He said it straight to my face.

I can feel myself trembling, and my knees are starting weaken. And today, instead of him, it is this door of my hotel room that I'm leaning on.

My tears are falling and are freely streaming down my face. I'm crying again, what's new? Oh yeah, I know, this time after I cry I can't hope anymore. I can't dream anymore. I can't deny it anymore.

He said it to me like I meant nothing to him, like I was some kind of dirt which came across and he's now wiping away.

I should have seen this coming ... but how could I? All along we were fine until the last few days, and this makes me wonder ... since when had he felt something for someone.

Did it start when we were together? Or did he just meet her here?

Who am I kidding, they should have started while we were together, that's maybe why he left ... no not maybe .. surely. That is surely why he left.

All this time he has been making a fool out of me and yet I can't stop from crying.

And all my dreams were shattered all at once
Ever since I met you
You're the only love I've known
And I can't forget you
Though I must face it all alone

"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I --- I – I hate....I hate you"

I'm finding it hard to speak, I don't have enough energy to talk, yet evidently I have enough to keep on crying.

How will I face this? I know I'm gonna have to, and I'll be doing it on my own, but how?

How will I ever forget him... I'm not yet ready to forget him now; though I feel like I want to and at the same time I don't, I know that eventually I will have to, but how?

I've built a vision of my future here in my mind and each and every single one of it, he plays a big part, either that or he plays all the parts in it .... And now please tell me how am I to bring all this dreams to reality if he won't be a part of it.

In the blue print of life, of my past .. present ... and future, he managed to be included in the plan, now how am I supposed to erase it? To erase him?

All at once I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Wishing you'd come back to me

I wish he'd knock on my door to apologize and take me back to him, but I know that this is just a wish. I am facing what's real now, I've been denying on everything, and today I am obliged to face the real thing coz it was all thrown to my face, with very clear evidence. He said it himself, how else could I think otherwise?

I wish he'd come back ... and I know he won't. I should have not come here, I should have stayed home.

Yes, maybe I'll be a pathetic and stupid lover but I'll be a pathetic and stupid lover with hope not like this ....

And that's all that matters now
All at once I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Holding on to memories
And it's hurt me more than you know
So much more than it shows

Hell he just had to say it all at once without bothering to give an explanation first. Probably it would have been a little more polite if he started with some kind of an excuse or an explanation, but no! He told me just like that, and it's not like I would be waiting for some kind of an explanation after he said it!

The second I heard those words I felt my world collapsing ... I seem to be getting that feeling often, the only difference is, before I was able to hold it up, now .... Now I wasn't able to do anything, I can't do anything ....

All at once

I looked around and found that you were
With another love
In someone else's arms
And all my dreams were shattered all at once

Just like a flash all my dreams are shattered, all my hopes are gone and the love which I held so preciously is shattered into a million pieces.

Never did it once occur to me that he is anything like my ex husband, I guess I was wrong.

How could he have fallen with someone else when he told me that he has never and will never love any woman other than me?

It was his own words that promised me forever and built my dreams up high and it's also his words that shattered my dreams and is making me drown in my own tears.

All at once the smile that used to greet me
Brightened someone else's day
She took your smile away
And left me with just memories all at once

I honestly thought he would be glad to see me... guess I was wrong again. But hey maybe he is glad to see me... glad that he finally got the chance to say it to my face and break my heart.

All that I used to have is now gone forever. There's no one too hold me up when I'm down, there's no one to make me laugh, there's no one to share my sad and happy days, there's no one ... there's no one.

All of it is all going to be memories. Memories that will break my heart every time... memories that will remind me, that somewhere in this world there is someone who shares the same thoughts and feelings I once had, the difference is ... she won't have it as memories...

Unlike me, it won't bring her pain, it will give her joy... it will give her happiness ... it will give her love, coz she has him now, while I face this all alone... all at once.

Ever since I met you
You're the only love I've known
And I can't forget you
Though I must face it all alone

TBC