Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoiler: none

A/N: the song used here is She's out of my life by Josh Groban. Now it's time to hear Grissom's side of the story...

Chapter seven: She's out of my life

She's Out Of My Life

She's Out Of My Life
And I Don't Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry

I just told her that I have someone else. When I saw her never did I dare to look into her eyes, most especially when I made this revelation, I don't want to see the hurt I have caused her, moreover I don't want her to see the truth in my eyes. She's very good at that, she looks into my eyes and she could instantly read my mind and feel what I feel, and I don't need that right now, I don't want that right now.

I have now erased her in my life. Physically speaking of course, never would I be able to live without her, but I can only live with her in my thoughts.

For a while now I've been planning of this day, of getting her out of my life .... At least in her point of view, so I think I should rephrase that, not her out of my life, rather me out of hers. And now that my plan has been done, I don't know if I should be glad or should I mourn for my bleeding heart?

I Don't Know Whether To Live Or Die
And It Cuts Like A Knife
She's Out Of My Life

When I close my eyes, I could see her smile and I know that sometime in my life I was the cause of that smile .... Then I see her cry, and it pains me to know that I am the one who has inflicted that pain to her.

I do not know what I should do, but what I know is, this is my choice, I choose to let her go and hurt her, I choose to let her know of someone else, I choose for her to hate me .... I choose for me to live my life knowing that the one I truly love hates me.

It's Out Of My Hands
It's Out Of My Hands
To Think For Two Years She Was Here
And I Took Her For Granted I Was So Cavalier
Now The Way That It Stands
She's Out Of My Hands

It took us ages to be together, we've loved each other for almost two decades but we loved each other secretly. And at last two years ago, I had the courage to tell her the truth of my feelings for her, and now here I am hating myself for causing her pain.

But what can I do? It was my choice, and if God will give me another chance I would still have done the same thing. I would still run away, I would run here to Chicago and never come back and if ever she does the same thing as she did now and come here to see me, I would still tell her that I have some one else, I would still inflict such pain to her that I know would make her hate the sound of my name, but it is my choice.

If I have control over everything I would have change it, but I do not, all I have are choices for the things that come my way and now I choose to pain her, though I know that paining her causes my heart to feel that pain in a double.

It's always been like that, when she's happy, I'm happier coz she's happy, and when she's in pain ... well, double that and that's what I feel. So now, I know that what I did was wrong, wrong to her eyes, wrong to other people's view, even to me it is wrong ... but it is fair. And in this point of my life, doing what's right hardly makes sense anymore, doing the fair thing is more justified for me. I've been doing the right thing all my life, and look what it has gotten me into.

So I've Learned That Love's Not Possession
And I've Learned That Love Won't Wait
Now I've Learned That Love Needs Expression
But I Learned Too Late

When you love some one you let them go.

It sounds so silly yet so true. It hurts so much but that's what's fair ... no, not for you, but for the one you love.

Looking back now, for all those moments we could have shared together .... Well, I could never experience those anymore. If only I have told her of what I really feel earlier, if only I showed it to her instead of glancing and dreaming of her like an idiot, then maybe now I will have more memories here with me ... more than that of the two years.

Two years of my life .... Two years, and yet I feel those two years were the only years and time I really felt how it is to live. Every second of those years I felt like I'm in heaven, but those great days are over.

And now I have to pay the price.

She's Out Of My Life
She's Out Of My Life
Damned Indecision And Cursed Pride

Maybe I should have just told her and didn't leave Vegas.

Who am I kidding? That's being selfish of me.

I would rather live my life knowing she hates me and let her be happy and live her own life than to be with her and let her know of the truth.

It may seem that my reason is of pure pride and for the sake of my manly ego but no it is not.

I would never want to spend my life watching her cry, I'd rather let her cry now and hate me forever than make her mourn all her life.

Kept My Love For Her Locked Deep Inside
And It Cuts Like A Knife
She's Out Of My Life

TBC

A/N: I'm sorry if I made you guys a little confused! but I won't be revealing the truth just yet... hehehe