Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoilers: none

A/N: thanks for the feedbacks! sorry for the confusion I'm causing.. hehe. Anyways, the song used here is 'Till my heartaches end' by Regine Velasquez. Cath's POV

Chapter eight: Till my heartaches end

I recall when you said that you would never leave me

He has told me long ago that he would always be there for me.

When we were just friends, he need not to use any words for me to know he'll always be there for me, he showed me that he's always there; I felt that he will always be there.

And when he confessed his love for me ... he promised me ... he promised me...

You told me so, so much more like

when the time you whispered in my ear
There was heaven in my heart
I remember when you said that you'd be here forever

He told me he loves me.

He told me he cares for me.

He told me he adored me

He told me I'm beautiful

He told he wants to spend his lifetime with me

He told me he'll never leave me

He told me he'd always love me ....

He said we're gonna have forever.

Then you left without even saying that you're leaving
I was hurt and it really won't be easy to forget yesterday
And I prayed that you would stay
But then you're gone and, oh, so far away

And then he left. He left me. He left, he left just like that. With no reason – at least none that he told me about.

Did he expect me to just forget about everything once he has left without reason?

I begged. I begged for him to stay. I was in my night gown, barefoot I raced out for him. To beg for him.

I begged, but it did not work, he left. He sped off ... it rained and I was left all alone. And after a month later I learned from Sara about his location.

I went there, in search for him, but I never expected to find what I found. I never expected to find him with some one else.

I expected to see him safe.

I wanted to see him well.

But, no, not like that, not like that.

I was afraid this time would come
I wasn't prepared to face this kind of hurting from within
I have learned to live my life beside you

This is what I feared. From the very beginning I was so afraid to let him know of my feelings coz I didn't want to loose our friendship.

When we became lovers my fear of loosing him increased. But he assured me that it will never happen and look at me now.

I was afraid this time will come; I don't think I can make it.

I've been accustomed to the fact of living every single day of my life with him, how am I suppose to live now?

I am not ready for this. I can't do this.

And again I can feel my tears running down from my eyes.

And as I open the door to my bedroom and drop my suitcase down the floor, I can't help but stare to this lonely room. This is what I've been so afraid. To go home and be alone.

It's so quiet, the silence in my room is deafening. All I hear are sobs. My sobs.

Gladly, Lindsey is still at my sisters, she won't be home till tomorrow, and hopefully, tomorrow I would have enough the confidence to see my daughter knowing that I won't look distraught.

But tonight. Tonight, I am alone in this house of mine, I'm alone with the memories of him and this hurt that I feel.

So what else should I do but entertain it.

Maybe I'll just dream of you tonight
And if into my dreams you'd come
And touch me once again
I'll just keep on dreamin' till my heartaches end

And now I lay awake in my bed. And I'm crying again. Every time I close my eyes I see him.

I see him.

I close my eyes again, and I hug myself, I hug myself and I try to imitate his touch. I try to remember how it feels to be touched by him.

As I hug myself, I can hear my sobs getting louder, I can't seem to be able to imitate it.

And in my failure to doing so I am forced to face the reality that he is indeed not here.

He's not here coz he is embraced in the arms of some one else.

He's not here, coz he loves me no more.

I'm crying over him while he found joy of my absence.

Then you left without even saying that you're leavin'
I was hurt and it really won't be easy to forget yesterday
And I prayed that you would stay
But then you're gone and, oh, so far away

When he left, he should have at least told me the truth, I wish he did not make a fool out of me.

I wish he told me, he told me before he left, then maybe I wouldn't have hoped and pained for so long. Then maybe I wouldn't have chased after him. Then maybe I wouldn't be hurt this bad.

I chased after him. I went to Chicago for him, only to find out that he is with someone else.

I prayed. Oh god, I prayed, every single day I prayed that he is safe, every single night I prayed for him to come back. I prayed and hoped and denied and loved. And now I'm hurt. I'm hurt so badly.

But there is nothing that I can do. There is nothing I can do.

I was afraid this time would come
I wasn't prepared to face this kind of hurting from within
I have learned to live my life beside you

I can do nothing and frankly I don't want to do anything. I just want to cry.

I just want this pain to be gone.

I am not ready for this. I'm not prepared. I don't know how to face this. I don't know how to get over him; I don't know if I want to get over him.

I don't know how to live without him.

I don't know how to live without him, and even if I do, I don't think I want to.

I loved him too much, too much that I feel so lost without him.

And this is what I feared most. To lost myself.

Right from the start, years ago, I was so afraid of the feeling I have for him that's why fight against it.

I love him too much. My feelings for him... were uncontrollable.

I have no control, my heart feels for him, and I can't do anything about it. And now, now that I'm in pain, I still can't do anything.

Maybe I'll just dream of you tonight
And if into my dreams you'd come
And touch me once again
I'll just keep on dreamin' till my heartaches end

And I hate it. I hate it when things are out of my hand. I hate it when things are way above my head.

I was able to surpass a hell of a lot more terrible things. But then again .... Nothing is more terrible that this.

To another human's point of view this is just a little heart ache. Yea, right, a heart ache, a heart ache that I is killing me.

It's killing me, and yet I'm still welcoming it.

I was afraid this time would come
I wasn't prepared to face this kind of hurting from within
I have learned to live my life beside you

I know that someday, some how, I'll get through this.

And though I don't know how to face it. Though I don't know how to get through.

I will learn.

I will learn to heal

I will learn not to cry

I will learn to live again

I will learn to live my life without him.

Maybe I'll just dream of you tonight
And if into my dreams you'd come
And touch me once again
I'll just keep on dreamin' till my heartaches end

In the mean time, I'm gonna sleep. I'm gonna sleep, and I'm gonna dream. Where in my dream he is there. He is there and he's with me, and we are happy.

This is what I'm going to do, and tomorrow when I wake up, I will wake up gladly thanks to the memories of my dream, then when night comes again, I'll sleep, I'll sleep and dream of him.

I'll dream of him until I can

I'll dream of him till I still want to

Till I need to

Till my heart aches end.

keep on dreamin' till my heartaches end

TBC