Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine
Soilers: none
A/N: the song used here is 'Broken Vow' sang by Lara Fabian. This is a very beautiful song!
Chapter nine: Broken vow
Tell me her name I want to know
The way she looks and where you go
I need to see her face, I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end
And now as I walk inside the CSI building I see memories of him .... Memories of US.
What used to be us is now me, him and her ... no, let me rephrase that, it's me and THEM.
Now I regret not eyeing the woman he was with in that restaurant meticulously. I would really want to see and remember what she looks like. I would like to be able to see every little detail of her face. That way I won't be wondering what is it that he saw with her that he didn't find with me.
I would like to understand what happened to us.
It's one thing to now why and to understand it is another.
Tell me again I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night when I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own
And now as I work and sit on the chair that used to be his and inside the office he used to work at, his scent, and eyes, and voice, and smile .... Everything ... everything about him ... is hunting me.
And as I glance to my side, there on the top shelf I see a cage. The cage of his favorite spider. He brought all his bugs with him, all of it, except this one. And I guess this was one of the reasons I had so much hope. Coz he left this here.
It has a really beautiful cage... of course the cage is beautiful; I was the one who bought it. Amongst all his bugs this one is the one the freaks me out the most and then you'll wonder why I bought it the most expensive cage.... Well, that's what love makes you do.
And I wonder if she does that to him. To give him and love everything about him despite everything else.
He snores. And when I say he snores... I really mean SNORE! But you know what, that snore has become music to my ears. It has become my bed time lullaby. When I hear him starting to snore I feel so secured and at peace to sleep knowing that he is there beside me, sleeping peacefully and happily.
And now I would really want to know the name of the woman who has stolen all this from me.
The woman who has taken away my music.
While I am here working all alone, there he will be, a thousand miles from me .... And is most certainly not alone.
I'll let you go
I'll let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why?
I'll let you go
Now that I've found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
I've been asking why. Why he left... then I learned why, and now I want to know.... Why he chose her.
And I just realize... I'll never really know, and even if I do, I doubt I'll understand, so I just have to accept things the way they are.
I have to move on, but first I need to understand that we are done.... But before I do that.. I have to see her, I need to know her name ... I just want to be able to know that, then I can start on healing myself.
We made a promise, we made a vow ....
Gil is a man of his words, but not this time.
Not this time.
Now I have nothing else to do but to ache and to let him be free...
Who am I kidding? He is free; I am the only one who thinks he's not. He has freed himself away from me, and there is nothing I can do about that.
I honestly never expected this to happen. I was holding on so much on my faith on him, I was holding on the promise we made, the love we shared .... And that is indeed the biggest mistake I made.
Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the chance, that one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time?
I can hardly read the text on the file I'm holding for my eyes are filled with unshed tears.
And to think that he never shed a tear for me... makes this even more painful.
And now I wonder when did his love for me started to evaporate? I sensed that something was wrong, but he has always assured me he loves me, and I believed him. I believed him.
Neither words nor actions could ever show how much I feel for him, but I tried, I tried to show him. And I have always thought it was enough. And now, I just wish he gave me a chance.
A chance to correct any mistake that I may have done.
A chance to fill whatever I lacked.
A chance ....
A chance to be with him ...
A chance to live
A chance to be happy
I'll let you go
I'll let fly
Why do I keep on asking why?
I'll let you go
Now that I've found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
But I can never turn back time. There is nothing more that I can do, but to let go.
And I will let go
I will let go.
"But, not yet. Not yet."
And as I close my eyes and let myself breath. That brief moment of breathing, is like tasting life again after so long.
I will have more of it soon... as soon as I can let go, I will be able to taste and grasp life again.
I just need to...
I just need to know who she is.
I need to know the name of the woman who has taken everything from me.
That's the least I could ask for, and it is my right to know. To know her name. Her identity.
When Gil told me that he has someone else, I ran and never looked back fearing to see her there and now I want to see her. I failed to ask him for the name of the woman for I was too pained to speak or think. And now I wish I asked.
I close my eyes
And dream of you and I and then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
I'd give away my soul to hold you once again
And never let this moment end
I'm home again, and as I watch my daughter leave home for school, I know I can make it; this won't be the end of everything. I still have a daughter, the one thing that no one could take away from me.
I will now go to my room and pacify myself into the comforts of my bed.
The bed we used to share.
And when I sleep I know what waits for me. It's him. As soon as I drift to sleep, I will be with him.
I know that I said I'm going to let go. And I will.
In reality, I already am trying to start on it, and I will start on it.
But in my sleep .... In my dream .... I just can't.
After a long day of painful memories of him, I also deserve to be happy, right? Even if it's just a dream, even if I know that when I wake up it will be gone, it's okay .... At least I would have those few hours of happiness ... even if it is just made-up.
And in my dream, we kept our vow. The vow to love, to care, and to always be there.
In my dream we will always, always, keep that vow.
So at least, when I'm asleep.... When I'm asleep, the vow is kept, our vow is cherished.
I'll let you go
I'll let you fly
Now that I know, I'm asking why
I'm at work again; it's already time to give out the assignments, so I guess I better hurry up.
"Hey Boss, want to give us the assignments now?"
"I'm coming Nick"
"What's that?"
"Nothing Nick. Go ahead, I'll meet you in the break room!"
"Okay!"
I can feel a light smile forming on my face. It's a sad smile, accompanied by a single tear, but still a smile, nevertheless.
So now, I close my eyes and take pleasure on breathing.
It's Gil's high school year book which I found on what used to be HIS office book shelf.
And with one last glance to the note written on the first page .... I close it, and I smile again, a smile of contentment and sadness.... A smile that signals the beginning of my healing.
Dearest Gil,
No matter where life takes us, I will always love you.
You will always have this special place in my heart, and
I know I will also have mine in yours.
Love always,
Angela
I'll let you go
Now that I've found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
TBC