Disclaimer: CSI and the song used - both not mine

Spoilers: none

A/N: song used here is God only knows by the beach boys. please R&R. Sorry for all the confusion, but everything will be cleared by the succeeding chaps, so stay tuned! ; )Grissom's POV.

Chapter ten: GOD ONLY KNOWS

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you

Here I am sitting all alone inside this lonely apartment room staring blankly at the sky wondering how she's doing.

I told her that I have some one else and I'm sure that right now the sound of my name would trigger pain, anger and hate from her. I don't know whether to be happy about it or not, after all, that was my plan.

I love her so much. So very much, and that is why I just had to give her up.

I hate living like this, living with the knowledge that I have lied to her. She now doubts everything I've ever said, I'm sure about that, and she doubts my love for her.

And it pains me knowing that she doubts my love, the feeling which I have felt towards her since the moment I saw her to this very moment and I know that I will always love her. This feeling I have is genuine, it's true and pure and she doubts it.

I am not an emotional man, as a matter of fact I am... how should I put this... umm...private. I am very private, in her words, I am... closed off. And it's true. I try not to show any emotion and I have been trying to avoid it, but there's something about her which I just can not resist.

What am I saying? Something about her? No, it's not just because of something about her, it's because of her. I can not resist her, the whole of her. I can not resist her, because she's Catherine. My Catherine.

I know that I have no more right to call her mine, but hey I've done that before. For almost two decades I have called her mine even though we were just friends at that time. But of course, those thoughts are remained inside my head. In mind, heart and dream she's mine. And for two years, she really was, she was mine through and through, but it just had to end. It just had to end.

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on, believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would livin' do me
God only knows what I'd be without you

"Hey Gil! I brought you some Chinese"

"Oh hey Angela, I didn't hear you coming."

"I can see that. You were in deep thoughts"

And I smile at her, thankful for having someone so understanding and kind. I love this woman, and she loves me too. But my love for her is not like the one I have for Cath. We love each other, but we are only friends. No, this is not like the situation I used to have with Catherine... of us loving each other but are only friends though we both secretly hope it would be more. In this case, Angela and I love each other, we've loved each other romantically before but that was years ago. After our romantic relationship we remained friends, and though we seldom talk and it has been years since we last saw each other, the foundation we've built on our friendship and the bond is still there.

And I am thankful.

I am thankful for her though deep inside me I'm hurting so much that I want to die.

God only knows what I'd be without you

Without Catherine I am nothing.

I should have knows right from the start that loosing her would be like suicide, but I guess I didn't have much time to think about me, all I thought about was her.

I needed for her to be okay. I love her so, and that is why I did that.

I know that right now she too is in pain, but I doubt that the pain she feels could ever outdo mine.

I know the truth. The truth that it is all my decision. I am to blame, yet I know I should not blame myself.

I never really considered the fact that I would loose all my hopes and will to live once she's gone.

I just. I just wanted her to leave me.

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on, believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would livin' do me
God only knows what I'd be without you

I am still alive and breathing. I still have more days ahead of me, though I know that none of this days are worth living for.

"Earth to Gil!"

"Oh! Sorry!"

She smiles at me lightly and places her hand over mine. "It's gonna be okay"

And I nod. I want to believe her, at the same time I don't want to. It's going to be okay she says, but is it really?

She's been trying to make me see the light and hope ever since I got here, and she has been very successful in doing so, I had my hopes up but when Catherine arrive and I told her that big big lie.... Everything I believed and wanted to believe in collapsed and vanished.

I've been pretending to be okay. I've been trying to look fine when Angela's around, I've been trying to fool myself that I'll be fine, but deep inside I know I'm not, at the back of my head there's a voice whispering and telling me I have to face the truth.

And the truth is I'm in pain. And I'm not okay. And that I regret what I did at the same time I know I wouldn't have done it any other way.

Only God knows my reasons

Only he knows why he gave me this crisis, which I fear I could never surpass

Only he knows my pain

Only he knows what I am, what I am without her

What I am without her is the kind of person even I myself refuse to see because of the fear of a great disgrace towards my ownself.

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on, believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would livin' do me

She has left me and it is all my fault for I sent her away.

Though she is gone I am still here and I wonder when this torture will ever end.

I still have more days to struggle for. I am still alive, physically I'm alive, but my mind and heart both want to die.

I want to die.

And I will soon.

I will soon.

God only knows what I'd be without you

TBC