Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoiler: none

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! and here is the 13th chap, the song used here is 'Diary' by Alicia Keys, it's in Angela's POV, and at long last I would reveal Gil's true reason of leaving..

Chapter thirteen: Diary

Lay your head on my pillow
Here you can be yourself
No one has to know what you are feeling
No one but me and you

I watch him stare blankly towards the sky, I hate seeing him like this, I know that everything is hard for him and I just want to be able to do something to ease up his pain.

"Gil..."

"What do you think is she doing right now?"

He's talking about Catherine, he loves her so much and that is why that girl is so lucky to have someone who loves her this much, I just wish she knew.

"I don't know. What do you think?"

"She's probably getting ready for work"

"Right now she would be grabbing her purse, and then she would run to her daughter to give her a goodbye kiss and some reminders. She'd tell Lindsey to finish her homework, brush her teeth before sleeping, say her night prayers and be sure to sleep early. Then she'd say the same things to the sitter. Then she'll be running towards the door coz she'd notice she's gonna be late, but right before she closes the door of the house she says another good bye to Linds, then she'd give her another kiss on the cheek and tell her that she is loved."

Gil tells me all those things with his eyes still affixed at the view outside. And I know that as he tell me these things he is imagining it, he is seeing it vividly in his mind and I just can't help my tears for falling.

Besides the fact that I pity him, I am also hurting for him. He came here to ask for my help, and I promised him I'd help him, and it seems that there is nothing I could do. And quite frankly, nothing and no one could ever do anything, not even he himself. He has lost control; he is unstable and is probably still having an emotional rollercoaster. There is only one person who could help him, and that's the same person whom I helped him push away.

I won't tell your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep your secrets
Just ain't goin' be as the pages in your diary

When Gil and I bumped into one of his colleague who was having a seminar here, he told her he is with someone else here in Chicago; he told her that he was seeing me. And if my memory serves me correctly, the name of this colleague of his is Sara, Sara Sidle.

I was dumbfounded then but it didn't seem to obvious to that other woman since she was a lot more shocked than I was. When we got home he told me his logical reason.

He has not contacted Catherine ever since he left, and now that he bumped into Sara, he knew that Catherine would definitely find out where he is and if Sara tells Catherine where he is, he is sure that Catherine would see him. And if Catherine sees him now, the only other option he has is to mislead Catherine so that she would hate him.

He wanted her to hate him, so that she'll go away and never find out.

I feel such a connection
Even when you are far away
Oooo baby if there's anything that you fear
Come forth and call 489-4608 and I'll be here

When he came here to see me, he was full of fear and was very desperate, but at the same time he had the will. And this will is because of the family he has. Catherine and Lindsey, Gil always talks about them, the mere mention of Lindsey's name or Catherine's brings a smile to his face.

A smile on his face and a pair of blue eyes full of hope, all this hope centered toward this women he loves.

As I watch Gil, I somehow feel his pain. The only real reason he's been fighting is for them, and now he has lost them.

He never wanted to loose them, but he loves them too much. Too much to make them suffer, and that is why he chose to sacrifice his own happiness, and will, he chose to let them hate him.

I won't tell your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep your secrets
Just ain't goin' be as the pages in your diary

I just want him to know that he is safe here with me, and that he is allowed to voice his feelings out.

I won't tell anyone, and I won't judge him in anyway, I just want to hear his concerns. He has to voice it out, his pain... he has to let it out.

Gil is paining too much, and I have promised myself that I will do anything to ease his pain.

I just can't believe I am seeing him like this. My geeky, smart ass, introverted friend is slowly falling apart right in front of me.

And you know what?
And only we know what talked about baby
Don't know how you can be driven me so crazy
Baby when your in town why don't you come around
I'll be the loyalty you need you can trust

I have been personally handling Gil's records; I have kept every other person working with me on this to have no knowledge of Gil's identity. It was his request; he wanted to keep it secret as much as possible.

And right at this very moment Gil's condition is known to only six people in this whole world. Me, him, and the other four doctors whom he has consulted when he was in Vegas.

He came here to get my opinion, and to ask for my help. He says he is more confident if it is I who would help him, coz he knows I won't let him down. And damn right I won't.

But most of all, the reason he went here is to keep Catherine from knowing anything about this.

Primary brain tumor.

This could be either cancerous or not, in Gil's case .... it is.

And to this very second that I watch him trying to ease the pain he feels from his body by thinking of the one woman who has somehow become his only source of strength, which leads him to feeling that pain in his heart which is far greater than the pain his body feels... the cancer cells from his brain is spreading.

But I won't tell anyone. Though I've wanted to tell Catherine, I won't. After all, I know that I could help Gil get through this, and once he does I'll help him get Catherine and his life back.

But right now, I'm just here to listen and care.

"Gil .... Talk to me."

I won't tell your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep your secrets
Just ain't goin' be as the pages in your diary

TBC