Disclaimer: CSI and the song both not mine

Spoiler: none

A/N: thanks for all the reviews! and here's more of the explanation of why Grissom left. the song used here is Every time by Britney Spears, and it's in Grissom's POV

Chapter fifteen: Every time

come notice me
and take my hand
so why are we
strangers when
our love is strong
why carry on without me?

The therapies I'm having seems to get more painful, and I don't know why I even bother to do so.

I have just phoned Brass last night, according to him Cath is doing great, he asked me how I was doing I told him that I'm okay but I didn't tell him the truth, all I told him is that I'm having a new life here in Chicago, I'm not sure whether or not he knows of that lie I have told Cath and Sara, and knowing Brass, he probably don't.

Jim has been a very good friend, we've been friends longer than I have been with Cath, he was with me the first time I saw Cath and all those years he knew that I'm in love with Catherine even if I never really told him. And if he has heard of the rumors, he wouldn't have believe it and he would probably ask me about it.

According to him, a few weeks ago Cath barely went to the field and have been spending her nights doing paper work, and that really isn't like Catherine at all, coz of the simple reason that she hates paper works no less than I do and she loves the field.

Jim also told me that Catherine is becoming a workaholic but, thankfully she's starting to take a break now. Jim also said that he thinks Cath is already going out on dates.

and every time I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby

I feel a lot weaker than I used too after my therapy. Before, after my therapy session I feel weak but at the same time better, but now, all I feel is the pain of my illness.

When I came here Catherine and Lindsey, my family, they were the ones who served as my inspiration and source of strength. I told myself that I'm doing this for them, and for me. I want to spend more time with them and that is why I had to go through this, but now I don't know.

Before I was able to imagine that once this is over I'll go back to Vegas and back to my family and to my love, now, I don't know what anymore. I blew it all, I have no one to go back to in Vegas, I have nothing to fight for anymore

I thought that if Catherine won't know about this, thinking of her and her serving as my inspiration would be enough, but the truth is, it isn't. Every time I wake up after my therapy I always wished that it would be her sitting beside me and as days, and weeks pass by my dreams are becoming rather to painful to bear for I know that it never will be possible.

I can't do it.

Not without her.

I need her here with me.

And every time I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

And almost every time I fall asleep I dream of her, of her and me, and the way she looked when I told her all those lies.

I told her that I have someone else coz I want her to hate me, that was my only other options.

On my plan A, I planned to go here in Chicago and meet with Angela, she's a very good friend of mine and is one of the top neurologist in the country. That night when I came by Catherine's house to say good-bye I have told her that I didn't know if I would be back, coz I meant that literally. Though I trust that Angela is the best, and that I have all the will to live I still am open to the idea that it might not work out.

After checking with four of the best neuro-surgeons in Vegas with the same diagnosis I went to Angela, I phoned her and she told me to come see her.

When Catherine came, I had to pursue with plan B. While I was having lunch with Angela, I saw her from the corner of my eye waiting in line with the other costumers waiting for their chairs. I was shocked and happy at the same time, I wanted to jump off my seat and kiss her and embrace her and never ever let go, but then I remembered .... I can't.

Then I felt fear and nervousness, and so I told Angela that Catherine was there in that same restaurant, Angela thought she Cath is beautiful, I told Angela to help me pretend. When we saw Sara, I new that this might happen so Angela at that time knows what I meant. And when she told me that Catherine is walking closer to us, I asked her if it would be okay if we kiss.

And when we made that kiss,

Catherine ran,

she ran away.

And now I am regretting, coz I need her, I need her here.

I need her with me.

I make believe
that you are here
it's the only way
I see clear

I don't know what to think or do with my life, but then again why plan?

I have cancer, a primary brain tumor that has been spreading through my body. I tried so hard to keep what ever I felt when I was in Vegas. I didn't want her to be worried.

The only reason I lied to her is coz I love her. I have this fear in me that I might not make it and die, and when I die I know that Catherine will be very much in pain, and I don't want that. That's why I lied to her, yes I know I have caused her pain in doing so but I'm sure as hell that this pain would probably be easier than to have her pain to watch me dying inch by inch. I can't spend the last few days of my life watching Catherine cry.

And now, I just can't spend my day without her, I need her and that is why I keep on thinking of her, hoping that my imagination is enough to suffice my need.

what have I done
you seem to move on easy

As to what I have heard from Jim, Cath seems to be moving on easily.

And though I know I should be happy, I really am not. Not that I want her to mourn over me, but the fact that I'm feeling this pain in my heart for her while she is somewhere out there with someone else.

In my plan B, I am to tell her a lie (which I did), something she could and would hate me for, for the rest of my life. And by doing so, when I die, she won't be too hurt or sad, she might even rejoice!

Weeks ago I was so confident that I have made the right decision, and now I am questioning myself, I shouldn't have lied, I really shouldn't have.

I may have made it rain
please forgive me
my weakness caused you pain
and this song is my sorry

I have caused her pain, because I am weak. I am too weak to let her see me like this.

I am too weak to see her cry because of my health

I am too weak to admit to myself that there is a chance that I would soon have to give it all up, so why not now?

I just hope that she'll find it somewhere in her heart to forgive me.

And as I have said before, though it hurts so much more than any one could ever imagine, if given the chance to live my life again, I would have done the same thing. If she hates me, she'll forget about me, and when I die, she won't cry, instead she'll smile, and laugh and be happy.

I know that I shouldn't be thinking so much about death, after all Angela is doing her best to help me survive, but at the same time I know that the chances of the therapies I'm having has a big possibility that it won't work.

at night I pray
that soon your face

Will fade away

And though I truly cherish the moments that I see the picture of her vividly into my mind, I too am praying to forget about this.

I just can't keep on having her in my head 24/7. It pains me, and it is of the chance that I might not see her again.

Before, in my plan, once I'm okay I'll go back to her, but what about now? Now that I can't have her anymore. What if the therapy works? What will I do then?

and every time I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby

And every time I try to stand on my own and try my best to calm myself every time I am about to take my therapy. Every time I try to feel better and be better, it just seems that nothing is happening, and this just can't be!

Coz every time I try to stand I fall down twice lower than before

And coz every time I try to fly in my thoughts wandering with her and about her, the reality hits me that I can never have her and I fall. I fall, because I can't fly, because I have no wings.

I need her.

Though I wanted to face this sickness of mine alone that was before, coz now I know and I can never again deny nor ignore the fact that I need her.

I need her to get through this.

I need her.


After all...
after all...

TBC