Disclaimer: I don't own the LOTR, POTC, HP, ND, or BC characters. Don't know what ND and BC stand for? Well, you will soon find out!
A/N: A little fact: The rock on sign that punk rockers use, where the pointer finger and the pinky are extended, is the practically equivalent of the middle finger to men in southern Italy. To them it means their wife is not honorable, or their wife is sleeping around. I learned that one in Speech Class!
Chapter Five: FREAKIN' IDIOT!
At Minas Tirith....
"Whoa." said Hayley, marveling at her battle armor, "I never thought I would actually go out into battle with a real sword."
"I never thought anyone in their right mind would trust you with a sword." Replied Pippin. Hayley gave him the "Your wife is sleeping around sign", formerly known as the "ROCK ON, BEOTCH!" sign.
"I so do NOT have a wife!" Pippin said. Suddenly, his new hi-tech cell phone with all the hook-ups rang. "Pip the Pimp at your service...No Diamond, I'll be home as soon as I can...Well, gee, I'm only trying to save the world here...wait a sec, are you sleeping around? Hello? HELLO?!" Pippin put his cell phone back in his pocket. "She hung up on me. ME. Of all people."
"Its ok Pip," Hayley comforted, "I'm sure she's not sleeping around...with any ugly guys."
"That just makes me feel so much better."
The pair of them stepped out onto the battlements, joining Gandalf, Jack, Miriam and a lot of Gondorian soldiers. Miriam and Candi looked nervous, and Jack looked drunk. Gandalf stepped up to the wall.
"Are you ready?" he asked. Pippin had his sword ready, and Jack had his cutlass and his pistol in his hands. Candi, Miriam, and Hayley unsheathed their...stun guns and stalker spray.
"Uh...where'd you get that?" Gandalf asked.
"We stocked up on it before we left." Miriam replied, "I don't really know how to use a sword."
"Oh geez..."
In the Paths of the Dead...
"This is the song that reminds me of my trucker hat that I used to wear not...to ...I'll stop now." Diana said/sang.
"THANK YOU!" Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Michelle, and Lydia replied in unison. Diana pouted. They entered a big room in the Paths of the Dead. All of a sudden, a freaky looking ghostly man appeared.
"Okay, we're going to try this again," Said the ghost man, "Who enters my domain?"
"One who will have your allegiance." Replied Aragorn soundly all manly and kingly-ish-esque.
"The dead do not suffer the living to pass."
"You will suffer me...er...us."
The ghost man started cackling evilly and a lot more ghost appeared and surrounded the group. Michelle clinged to Lydia in fear, and Lydia clinged to Diana, and Diana clinged to Legolas, of course.
"The way is shut," the dead man continued, "it was made by those who are dead, and the dead keep it...the way is shut..." The ghosts came closer and closer, tightening the circle. "...now you must die." Legolas raised his bow and prepared to fire, but Diana stopped him.
"Won't work, hun, you can't kill a ghost."
Back at Camp Rohan...
"...So then, after pilfering the carrots and lettuce and other various vegetables, Pip and I accidentally bumped into Frodo and Sam. So we basically followed them around...so that's how I ended up on this quest."
"Really?" Anne said thoughtfully, "That's interesting."
"Yeah." Merry looked around the camp. All the soldiers were pack up their things and putting out fires. "Oh! I guess it's time to get going. C'mon, I think Eowyn will have some extra armor for you."
"Good thing I brought my stun gun..."
back at...Wherever Sam and Frodo are...
Adrienne and Draco, our favorite couple, were walking along the rocks of Emyn Muil while holding hands. Sam and Frodo brought up the rear.
"Hey...Where's Gollum?" Adrienne asked.
"Uh...I don't know," Sam said, "We lost track of him after I kicked his butt on the side of Mt. Doom."
"Well," came a familiar voice from behind, "I guess you guys just found him again." Jenny penny stood on a rock ledge above them, with Gollum at her side.
"See Mr. Frodo!" Sam exclaimed, "I told you he was a villain!"
"Mwahahahahhahahahahahaha!" Jenny laughed and laughed; "Now you will give me the Ring!"
"Uh, I'm thinking no." Frodo retorted.
"How 'bout yes?" Jenny said.
"Nah, I don't think so."
"FINE. I didn't want to have to resort to this but...SIC 'EM, GOLLUM!" Gollum barked and jumped down from the ledge.
"FOR THE PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed.
"RUN!" Sam shouted. And they ran like loons.
At Minas Tirith Again!
"TIME IIIIIIIINNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!" Gandlaf shouted. At once, the orcs continued their attack on the city. Arrows were flying every which way and the sound of crashing swords could be heard fro everywhere on the wall.
"What a rush!" Candi said, as she stunned an orc and sprayed him...or it with the stalker spray. Pippin ran up and stabbed the orc. "I am getting the hang of this!"
"Me too!" Miriam called. She stopped in mid stun and heard the orcs chanting something below.
"GROND! GROND! GROND!"
"What the crap? Hey Pip!"
"What?! I'm kinda busy at the moment!" He stabbed at the orc charging at him.
"Can I borrow you cell phone?"
"Sure!" he pulled the phone out of his pocket, "Catch!" Amazingly, Miriam caught it and dialed Diana's cell phone number.
"Hey Diana, we're kinda in the middle of a big battle and those creepy lookin' things are chanting 'Grond'. What does that mean?" Miriam's eyes widened, "Oh crap. Gotta go!" Miriam quickly hung up. "GANDALF!!"
"I KNOW!" the wizard replied, "TO THE GATES!!!!!"
On the Corsairs Ships...
"That was Miriam," Diana announced, "The orcs have unleashed Grond, The Hammer of the Underworld."
"Oh, s---." Aragorn said, "Now I'll NEVER become king!"
"Freakin' IDIOT!"
"SHUT UP!"
"OHMIGAH!!!!!" Michelle squeaked, (yes, she squeaks) "It's Napoleon Dynamite and John Bender from the Breakfast Club! (A/N: ND, BC, Get it?) YESS!"
"I heard you guys were going to attack the evil forces," Napoleon said, "I thought you might want some help, and I have some good skills."
"What kind of skills do you have?" Legolas asked.
"Nun-chuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills-"
"Who cares?" said Bender, "I'm just here to pick up some chicks."
"I'm a chick!" said Michelle, "PICK ME UP!!!!!!!!!"
"Whatever..." Bender picked Michelle up and Michelle blushed.
"I didn't mean actually physically pick me up, but this works..."
"BWHAHAHAHAHA!" They all turned around to see Katherine and Jenna standing at the bow of the ship, "THOU FOOLS!" Katherine cried, "Fork over the ring and no one will get hurt!"
"You couldn't hurt us if you tried." Gimli challenged.
"Hehe, I'll just have to try then..."
But Katherine's reflexes were too slow for Napoleon's. He pulled one of his awesome butt-kickin' judo moves and Katherine was knocked off the boat. Jenna jumped off.
"Hey Michelle," Napoleon said, "You should totally choose me over that guy because of my awesome skills and my sweet Judo Moves." Michelle looked at Napoleon, then at Bender.
"This is going to be a tough decision..."
"HEY GUYS!!!!" came an EXTREMELY annoying voice from behind, "YU-GI-OH ROCKS!!!" Michelle, Lydia and Diana especially looked at each other in horror.
"Oh no..." Diana slowly turned around, "ARRRGHH! IT'S RB3!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Why did John Bender from the Breakfast Club and Napoleon Dynamite just suddenly appear? (Well, Michelle asked me to add them in.) Since when did Pippin start calling himself 'Pip the Pimp'? And who the in the name of Lord Nelson's Pantaloons is RB3? I know who he is and he's not from Star Wars. (Sorry Hayley!) He's someone you DO NOT want to get to know.