Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoilers: none

A/N: the song used here is 'forgive me' by evanesence

Chapter twenty: Forgive me

Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
but I didn't mean to hurt you

"Catherine, I really have to talk to you, do you think we could go somewhere private?"

"One, I really don't want to talk to you coz I don't want to waste my time. Two, this is the most private place you and I could ever go to"

I never really thought that a school driveway where kids are still running around and parents crowding the place could pass as private, so I guess things could really change. And it changes big time!

How was I able to manage to make Catherine hate me like these? When she speaks to me her words and tone cuts like a knife. When she talks she looks at me, and now I wish she wouldn't look at me, I wish I couldn't see her eyes.

Her eyes are full of anger, and hate. All of it centered on me. She looks at me furiously, as if she's trying to kill me at this very spot.

But then again I've become accustomed to the feeling of dying. I've been feeling that way for months, and the one day I felt it the most is the day I lied to her. I saw that hurt I caused, and I felt her pain and I didn't know if I would last, but I did, and now I'm here trying to fix the mess I did.

I heard the words come out
I felt like I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you

"Look maybe we can go there, by the playground so we could have a seat"

And I know that by the look she gives me it's a no. "You really think we could talk while Lindsey is a few inches away from us?"

"Well, since I've lost all my respect to you, and I have come to learn how sick of a bastard you are and I couldn't possibly see you any lower than I already do, why not! After all, there's nothing to lose!"

Despite her rude line, I still managed to say, 'Let's go'. Could she say that in any other way which could be harsher? But I can't really blame her, to her I'm the best friend/lover who promised her everything but then just deceived her and is now back as a self centered bastard and is using her daughter to get to her.

And that is why I have to talk to her; I want to let her see the truth.

I place my hand to the small of her back to lead her, but then she pushes me away and turns to me, "Don't touch me." she says with her brows fusing. And so I just nodded apologetically and kept my hands to my pocket. I know I shouldn't have done that, but I never really thought about my action, it was kind of an instinct, an action done by the subconscious mind, something I have grown doing ...

Then you look at me
you're not shouting anymore
you're silently broken

As we sat down the bench facing the slides where kids are taking turn on sliding. I face her and I start talking. "Catherine I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you-"

"Oh, God, Gil please! I've heard that line so many times before"

"But I'm really sorry"

"Sorry for what? For breaking my heart? For having my hopes up? For leaving me? for the lies and deception? For the way you left? For leaving me hanging here in Vegas and kept your where-about a secret? For making my daughter cling on you all the times you were gone? For destroying my dreams? What are you sorry for Gil? What!?"

"For all of it" was all that I could manage to say. I can feel my tears threatening to set loose, I know all those, but it's really hard when it is said out loud.

"Sorry won't change anything" And this time her tone is changed, it softened. And the look in her eyes is different. It isn't hate but it isn't love either, instead it's pain and disappointment, the things which I caused, and now I wish that its hate I see. It's much better to see than this.

I'd give anything now
to hear those words from you

Nothing in her eyes says that she forgives me, and I'd do anything and give everything just for her to forgive me.

I love her, and I want to say that to her, but how could I? When she looks at me like that.

Tears are dwelling on her eyes, and I reach out to brush it off, but then she shove my hands away and she brushed her tears away, and as she brushed it away the look of pain and disappointment disappeared and again there was hate and anger.

"Catherine I want to explain – "

"Don't."

But I won't comply she has to hear what I have to say

Each time I say something I regret

I cry I don't want to lose you.
But somehow I know that you

Will never leave me, yeah.

"Catherine. You and Lindsey are my family, you are my life, and I can't keep on living without you. I never meant to hurt you, it killed me to leave you and go to Chicago. And Catherine, the truth is..."

This is it, I'm going to tell her my real reason of leaving and lying.

"The truth is –"

"Look Gil, just stop. Please." I try to find my voice to explain, but I can't, because she's looking at me, she's looking at me and her eyes are filled with emotions I've never seen there before. I can't distinguish what emotions, it's all too many and intense, and it's not shouting... it's not angry. Though I can't truly say what emotions I see, I could definitely say it's not anger... it's something more.

"You've fooled me once; don't think you can fool me again"

"Cath – "

"I'm moving on with my life, why don't you do yourself a favor and move on with yours." She sighs and she stands up, she turns her back and I can see from where I sit a glimpse of fresh hot tears running down her cheek.. or is this just me, imagining and wishing she feels something for me other than just hatred?

'Cause you were made for me
somehow I'll make you see
how happy you make me

"How am I supposed to move on if you're not with me?" I said to myself with my head bent down.

"Well leaving me was very easy, moving on would probably be just a zilch"

I raise my head and she's looking at me, her eyes are watery, and I know she's holding back her tears, I watch her turn her back away from me again and she heads towards her car and leaves.

I didn't mean for her to hear what I just said, I was just thinking out loud. I knew from the start she would hate me, I imagined worse scenarios of our meeting again, but now that I'm experiencing it, it's so hard to accept... probably because along with the worse scenarios and preparations I tried going through, I also have those great scenarios ... a happy ending by the end of it all.

I'm not going to let this happen. I won't give-up, not now. She has to see, just how much I love her, and no matter what she does to me to keep me away from her.. Well, it's not happening.

She won't leave me, her memory, her scent, her voice, everything about her won't leave me.

Her name has already been written on the palm of my hand, and her face is sketched on the flesh of my heart. Now, how am I to give up? And quite frankly, why would I want to?

She is my only chance of survival. She and Linds- my baby girl. They are my only reasons of living.

I can't live this life
without you by my side
I need you to survive

There are nights when I wake up with cold sweat dripping from my forehead because of a terrible dream.

There are nights when I am awaken not by my dreams or rather my nightmares but because of the throbbing hurting of head.

Times when I wake up, though I have been shot with all the pain killers there could be, I could still feel the pain from my session of chemo.

And I don't want to have sleepless nights, or drink any more warm milk, or take more pain killer pills, or be shot with another dose of sleeping pills. I don't want to keep on asking for and leaning at these artificial things for comfort any more. Sure there's my friend Angela who's trying to help me, but I still can't get enough comfort, and strength.

I need to feel her touch, the warmth of her skin against mine.

I need to hear her voice, the way she says my name, the way she screams at me when she's so pissed off, and of course the way she tells me this three simple words of how she feels for me which makes me see how my life is just so worthwhile.

I need to feel her breathe against my skin.

I need her, I need her to survive.

If I am to make a list of why I need her, it would take a very long while to finish, but then again, how am I supposed to make a list? I don't think I have the right or the ability to do so... probably because it is not possible. The reason of me needing her is beyond questioning and reason. She's Catherine. And I love her. And that's all to it, nothing more nothing less.

So stay with me
you look in my eyes and

I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry

If only the word sorry could change anything. If only forgiveness is within my reach.

I want her to forgive me. I need her to forgive me. For all the lies and for the pain I caused her. For all that I have done which could be categorized as stupid. For someone with a PhD, I wonder how I became this dumb. But then again, emotions have no formula; you can never say what'll happen next. It has no procedure, it's free. It's free... free to be felt... but why is it I feel like I'm suffocating?

I'm drowning beneath my own emotions.

But I couldn't care less.

I just want her to forgive me.

"Catherine please, please forgive me."

That is all I ask... and I wonder, if I'm asking too much.

Can you forgive me again
you're my one true friend
and I never meant to hurt you

TBC