The Innocents Abroad
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Rated PG
I own nothing from the show Cyborg 009. It all belongs to Tokyo TV, Avex Mode, and any place else that holds copyrights to it. The story is mine, though it is based off of Mark Twain's The Innocence Abroad.
Author's Notes: In a section of Mark Twain's The Innocence Abroad, two travelers are with a tourist group in Rome, and in their boredom they decide to taunt their poor tourist guide with ridiculous questions and accusations. In all the traveling they do, I wanted to see if our more cynical cyborgs- 002, 004, and 007- would react the same way. Here it is- the spoof of a Mark Twain classic. Enjoy- I always do.
A small tour group wandered the streets of Rome. They were one of many popular 'day tours' a traveler could take while visiting the city, and this one in particular focused on art and architecture. Having advertised itself as 'one of the best ways to experience Rome,' a couple of friends decided to have a little fun and tag along.
However, they were sadly disappointed. The tour, while exciting at first, soon grew monotonous as the tour guide started spouting names and dates the tourists were all too familiar with. Most of them feigned interest, to keep from looking rude, but some were not as 'polite' as others.
The spiky red-haired American, 002, groaned in agony. "My God," he muttered, "how long does this go on??"
The silver-haired German cyborg, 004, gave 002 a sharp look. "Quiet, Jet," he snapped. "I'm bored too, but you've gotta grin and bear it, like the rest of us."
The bald-headed Briton, 007, nodded respectively. "I admit, this isn't one of the best tours I've been on," he commented, "but it's better than sitting around the Dolphin all day."
Jet glared at them curiously. "Hey, you two convinced me to come along," he pointed out. "So far, I'm not impressed. If I don't find a reason to stick around, I'm bailing."
"I don't think we can do that," 007 said. "Remember what our guide told us? He doesn't leave anyone behind. If you take off, Jet, he's gonna go after you."
004 nodded. "GB has a point," he agreed. "You'd probably better stay with us, and not make this experience more… tedious than it already is."
As the group moved on, 002 moaned in dismay. "Just hear me out, okay?" he continued. "All we've been looking at for the past hour and a half is Michelangelo. Doesn't that bother you, even a little bit??"
Again, 004 had to quiet 002. "Jet, be quiet," he ordered.
Just the same, Jet went on with his musings. "Come on, Al!" he griped. "Even you must be bored to tears already! All we've been looking at so far is Michelangelo this! Michelangelo that! Michelangelo, Michelangelo, Michelangelo!!"
"Uh, Jet?" GB interjected.
"I've never been so happy to hear that he's dead!"
"Senore!"
It was then that Jet opened his eyes. The whole tour group was looking at him, including the tour guide. He tapped his foot in aggravation; his English wasn't perfect (thank goodness for 002), but he could clearly hear the young man's voice.
Embarrassed by his folly, 002 blushed slightly. How was he going to explain this one?
At that moment, Albert came forward. "Forgive my friend," he explained. "The unusual weather seems to be affecting him."
The tour guide shrugged, and went on with the tour. 004 gave 002 a sidelong look. "You owe me," he murmured, though not to be taken as seriously as it sounded.
007 came up beside 002 and smiled. "Don't worry, Jet," he assured. "The tour will be over sooner than you think. As the old saying goes, time sure does fly when-"
"You're bored out of your mind?" Jet spat.
Taken aback, 007 approached 002 more seriously this time. "Hey, I'm only trying to lighten the mood," he commented. "If you wanna complain, then go ahead. It's not my fault that you aren't making the best of a bad situation."
As 007 joined 004 and the other tourists, 002 stopped to consider the Briton's words. Again, he had proven useful- in fact, he had given young Jet Link an idea.
The tour group approached a beautifully hand-crafted sculpture. It was amazing how, in all the years it has been around, the wear and tear had yet to bring it down.
Jet smirked. "Michelangelo?"
The tour guide stopped, turning to face Jet. "Scusarme?" he inquired.
002 pointed to the statue. "Michelangelo," he repeated. "He did this one, right?"
Laughing, the tour guide shook his head. "No, no, no," he answered. "Was done 500 years before he is born."
"You don't say," 002 muttered under his breath.
The tour group moved on, but already 004 was getting hint of 002's trick. "Jet," he addressed warily, "whatever it is you plan on doing, don't do it."
The American rolled his eyes. "Relax, Al," he replied smoothly. "You need to lighten up a little."
The next exhibit they came to was a Roman statue. Again, it was a wonderfully made sculpture that seemed to withstand the sands of time.
And again, 002 asked his question. "Michelangelo?"
Again, the tour guide turned around. "No, no, no," he informed. "Was done 1000 years before he is born."
As the tour continued, GB seemed to get the hint. "So that's your game," he remarked. "Mind if I join in?"
Smirking, Jet let GB come up beside him. "Not at all," he said.
The tour group passed a giant obelisk, from the late Egyptian empire. Again, it was a magnificent testament to outstanding architecture to last for centuries.
"Michelangelo?" Jet and GB inquired together.
With a heavy sigh, the tour guide turned around. "No, no, no!" he griped. "Was done 2000 years before he is born! Oh la mia bont- not everything is done by Michelangelo!!"
Jet chuckled inwardly. "Could have fooled me, ya cretin," he murmured.
Of course, Albert wasn't about to participate in these shenanigans. Sure, it was fun to watch, but he felt too bad for the tour guide to add to the poor man's misery.
It was then that the guide was struck with an idea. "Ah!" he gasped. "Come with me! All of you, come with me!"
The tour guide quickly directed the group into a nearby building. After walking up a few flights of stairs, they came across a hall of documents. "We have Americans here, yes?" the tour guide inquired.
002 raised his hand. "Right over here, pal," he replied, stepping forward.
Ecstatic, the tour guide directed Jet to a certain document. "Yes, yes, here it is," he said. "This is document written by Christopher Columbo himself!"
For a moment, Jet stared at the document curiously. The tour guide and the group awaited his answer.
"Well?" the tour guide queried. "You like, yes?"
The American shrugged. "It's okay," he admitted, "but really- how can you expect me to believe that this was written by Christopher Columbus?"
The whole group gasped. Even 004 and 007 were shocked- that was a new low for Jet!
Upset, the tour guide went back over to the document. "Is written here, by Christopher Columbo!" he shouted. "Christopher Columbo!"
Again, 002 remained uninterested. "Well how do you know it's authentic?" he reasoned. "I mean, anyone could have written this-"
"Is written by Christopher Columbo!" the guide screamed, his own face inches away from Jet's. "Christopher Columbo!!"
Now Jet realized that it would be best to back down from that argument. "Okay, okay, it's real!" he answered. "Okay, it was written by Christopher Columbus, I get it!" He paused, then added, "But you gotta admit- his handwriting is terrible. I can't read a word of that thing."
Too aggravated to speak, the guide continued the tour. 004 glanced at 002. "That was a bit shocking," he commented.
Jet scoffed. "You think you could do any better?"
Albert grinned. "You bet I could," he commented. "Next exhibit we come to, you just sit back and watch- I'll do the wise-cracking."
Soon the tour group came to the Egyptian exhibits. The guide wanted to impress his troublesome tourist, so he found something worthy of interest. "Here is something rare," he assured. "This is Egyptian mummy, dated 3000 years ago."
With only a smirk, Albert came forward and examined the mummy. "Impressive," he remarked. "Whose mummy did you say this was?"
The tour guide shook his head. "No, no," he said. "This is Egyptian mummy."
"Oh," 004 answered. "So, where did you say he was from?"
Again, the tour guide stressed the name. "Is Egyptian mummy."
"Hm… France, you say?"
"No, Egyptian mummy."
"Uh-huh… England, perhaps?"
"No, is Egyptian mummy!"
"Right… Spain, you think?"
"No! Egyptian mummy!"
"Germany? The Netherlands? Poland? Tell me if I'm getting close…"
The rest of the tour group couldn't help but giggle. Albert was making sport of the tour guide's poor English, but in all honesty- it was purely for fun.
It was then that 007 approached the mummy. "Step aside, amateur," he remarked, lightly pushing 004 away. "Let an actor show you how it's done."
Glad to have gotten rid of his two previous nuisances, the tour guide approached the Briton. "What do you think of Egyptian mummy?"
For a while, GB said nothing. He carefully examined the mummy, taking his sweet time to take in all the detail. 10 minutes passed, and already the group was getting anxious.
Finally, the tour guide interjected. "What do you think of Egyptian mummy?" he asked again.
After a moment or two, GB finally spoke again. "Is…"
"Yes?" the tour guide queried.
"Is…"
"Yes?"
"Is… is he dead?"
An awkward silence filled the room, quickly followed by an outburst of laughter. Now that was really something- supposedly spending all that time gazing at a mummy to wonder if he was still alive or not??
Delighted to hear the applause, 007 turned around and bowed for his audience. 002 and 004 soon joined him; they held hands, and bowed to their overjoyed audience of previously bored tourists.
Of course, not everyone was pleased. The tour guide was on his last straw; he grabbed all three cyborgs by their wrists and dragged them outside of the building, throwing them out. He yelled several obscenities in Italian before adding, "And you stay away from tour groups, you thick-skulled idiots!!"
Once the cyborgs were at last on their own, 002 looked at 004 and 007. "Well, now that we're out of that mind-numbing hike," he commented, "what do you feel like doing for the next two hours?"
007 spied a familiar set of buildings in the distance. "We could go see the Vatican," he suggested.
004 shrugged. "Sure, why not?" he replied.
002 smiled. "Well, let's go, then," he said.
About an hour later, our three cyborgs have finally made it into the Vatican. Unfortunately, they're about to get thrown out soon…
"Al! GB! Check out this water fountain! I wonder why they'd spend so much time putting a fancy drinking fountain in St. Peter's Cathedral… hey, you guys want a drink?"
"Jet! No!!"
The End
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(PS- for those of you that didn't quite get the ending, Jet is taking a drink from the fountain of holy water… whether that's a crime or not in Vatican City, one can only guess…)