Disclaimer: CSI and the songs are both not mine

Spoilers: none

Ratings: NC-17

A/N: First of all, thanks for all the reviews! and sorry for keeping this too long, anyways, this chap would be a little different from what you probably expected. Anyways, this is my first time writing a NC-17 so .... I apologize for anything! the song used here is 'It's all coming back to me now' by Celine Dion

Chapter twenty three: It's all coming back to me now

There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it
Right outside the window

"Cath"

"Please leave"

"I love you"

"Please leave"

"Catherine-"

This time I raise my head and I look at him and I beg for him to go away, "Please. Leave me." He nods and silently stands up and get dressed as I clutch at the white blanket covering my naked body, I turn my back from him and I hear his footsteps going away.

And at last he left. At last I'm alone again.

There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were
Drying up forever

So I stand up and head to the bathroom, I open the shower and let myself indulge to the comfort the water brings. I lean my back to the wall and I slowly sink down until I'm almost seated on the floor.

I've cried a lot before, too much that it was almost out of character, but that was how I felt. And now I feel my tears gliding down my face again.

Haven't I suffered enough? Haven't I cried enough?

I finished crying in the instant that you left
and I can't remember where or when or how
and I banished every memory you and I had ever made

I was doing so well. I started moving on, I learned to live my life without him, I managed to be happy.

Getting over that heartbreak was tough, but I got over it. And I'm proud of myself for doing so. Little by little I was healed, there was no specific time when it happened, it just did. I didn't even noticed it until I was over it already.

But then he came back.

But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me

When Lindsey left with Nancy and I was left alone with Gil, my mind was set to get him out of my life. We were talking when the phone rang, I answered it and it was Warrick. After hanging up the phone I turned to face Gil. I was so determined to humiliate him to himself and make him face the fact that he and I are over and so he must get along with his life and leave me alone.

He was telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me, and before he can tell me any more of his lies I walked out. I went to my bedroom to get that box where I placed all the stuff that is somehow connected with him.

I've been waiting for that chance, the chance to throw it to his face. After getting the box out of the closet, I turned around and he was there. He followed me to the bedroom. I gave the box to him with a force of impact making sure it hits his chest. I told him that it was all his stuff and that I don't want to see him and any of those trashes inside my house.

When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

I was heading to the door ready to lead him out of my bedroom, then out of the house, but then he grabbed my arm. "Why won't you listen to me?" he asked me. I just gave him that look of disgust that I've been giving him all day long.

Then he pressed his lips to mine. I tried to push him away but I couldn't because he was gripping on both my arms. He pressed his lips harder to mine, but I refused to give in. He just kept on trying to kiss me, and I kept on fighting it, by not responding and trying to turn my head back. I even thought of using my knee to inflict pain on his manhood.

But somewhere between that thought and the act of doing so, I lost it.

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow
Baby Baby

I didn't know what I was thinking. Up to now, I still don't know what I was thinking. But quite frankly, I don't think I was thinking at all.

He pushed himself closer to me and I gave in. I stopped fighting. I stopped my head from turning; I stopped trying to get my arms freed. Then he loosens the grip on me. I started kissing him back, and his tongue found its way to my mouth. His hands started to go around my waist, and my hands started touching his chest and snaking its way around his neck.

He pulled me closer to him, and I pulled him closer to me.

Thinking back now, I can see that, that was so wrong, and I know that it is wrong, but it just felt so right.

If I kiss you like this
And if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago
But it's all coming back to me

If you want me like this
And if you need me like that
It was dead long ago
But it's all coming back to me

The whole time we were kissing my eyes were closed, it was like we were both under a spell... or at least I was.

He wasn't saying any words, and neither was I.

Then I felt our movement. We were turning around then he was going forward while I was walking backwards; we were going towards the bed.

Slowly we lay down. And when I opened my eyes, I was staring directly into his. Everything didn't seem to matter; somehow I have forgotten everything that happened, his lies and deception, all my heartaches and hatred. All I saw was him.

It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now
But it's all coming back

I undid the top button of his shirt, then the second, and then I closed my eyes as his lips found mine again. I continued my task on his shirt, I wasn't on a hurry, and neither was he.

When I finally undid the last button, I took it off him gently while he was kissing me around the neck. Then we sat up, and he started undoing my shirt kissing the new skin that gets exposed. I kept my eyes closed, probably to savor the moment.

He unclasped my bra and he lay me down again. He started nipping on my breast and I started moaning lightly. He was kissing his way downwards, and finally he got my pants off me and was soon followed by my underwear. He started to kiss me between the legs and it was really good.

There were those empty threats and hollow lies
And whenever you tried to hurt me
I just hurt you even worse
And so much deeper

When I saw him again at Lindsey's school earlier, all I did was to say harsh words. But they were all true, and that was probably why they were all so harsh, because what he did to me was harsh.

All day long I've wanted to hurt him; I want him to feel what I felt. He has been apologizing but never did I give him a chance to say any further. I know that he's just going to tell me some lie, just like what Eddie used to do.

I told him harsh words and I made him face facts. The facts of how much I hate him, and that he is just like Eddie, probably even worse.

Okay, maybe not worse, but the pain he caused me is probably the greatest one I've suffered through all the years of my life.

There were hours that just went on for days
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances
That were lost to us forever

When he left me that night, everyday I've been waiting for him to come back. I never lost hope, I cried and prayed and all this are for him. And when I came back home after that hideous trip to Chicago, true I was hurting, and I was cursing him and hating him and wanting to get over him... but a part of me was still hoping.

And then Warrick got into the picture.

Warrick showed me how it is to be loved again. He treated me like I'm a queen. I was happy with Warrick, he's kind, humorous and he understands me. We haven't told anyone in the lab of our dating, and the fact that Warrick is courting me and is telling me how much he loves me almost everyday.

I wasn't ready to enter a relationship yet. Every time he tells me he loves me, I some how see blue eyes instead of brown. But one day, he again told me he loves me, and all I saw was him. I saw Warrick.

But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

Lindsey stopped asking about Gil. And I stopped thinking of him. No one in the lab bothered to ask me about him. No one really cared.

Or maybe they did, they just didn't want me to know of it.

All my free time I spend it with Lindsey and Warrick, and I'm very happy, I was so contented and didn't even have any time to think of him – not that I even wanted to.

I got over him. I didn't miss him, think of him, longed for him or yearned for him.

Or at least that's what I thought.

But if I touch you like this
And if you kiss me like that
It was so long ago
But it's all coming back to me

He kissed me between the legs, and started tasting me, and then his tongue traveled its way back to my lips. Again he started kissing his way downwards, but I stopped him. I'm not sure why but I just wanted his lips to remain with mine – but it's probably to make sure that I wasn't dreaming.

And he did as I pleased.

Then I felt his finger enter me. He started rubbing me, and then he entered another finger inside. He started kissing me around the neck again and I started moaning for the pleasure I was feeling.

If you touch me like this
And if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

I was almost reaching the edge but then he stopped. He got his fingers out, and I had my legs opened for him. Slowly he thrust in me. His thrusts were slow and gentle, and I know that we were both savoring every thrust made.

But then I needed him to get faster, and without any words coming from me, he did. He always knew what to do and when to do it.

I moaned his name, and I heard him moan mine. And that was what really brought me to the edge.

And we came together.

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things we'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than all your laws allow
Baby, Baby, Baby

After feeling the waves of pleasure, my brain started working again.

And I was horrified. "I love you" he whispered in my ear. And I shook my head from side to side... "This is wrong" was all I said. I moved away from him and covered myself with the sheets.

"Cath"

"Please leave"

"I love you"

"Please leave"

"Catherine-"

"Please. Leave me."

And then he left. And I'm here taking a shower.

When you touch me like this
And when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now

I wasn't thinking, I just acted. After my release, everything dawn at me again.

How much he pained me and how much I hate him.

But right now, there's another thing dawning on me. and it's the fact that I long for him. For his touch and his kiss.

I seem to have forgotten how good it felt. I have forgotten how complete I feel when I'm with Gil ... and it's all coming back to me now.

If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that
we forgive and forget
and it's all coming back to me

Frankly speaking, everything felt so right ... until now. I want to forgive him, at the same time I don't. And even if I do forgive him, I'm not sure I really want him back in my life.

Yes, I did felt good, but one night can't just erase what he did to. Gil betrayed me, and I can't forgive myself if I ever make a fool out of myself again.

And again, I am back to the first name basis. I got used to calling him Grissom, and now its back to Gil.

When I call him by his name I feel something different. I feel a little sting, probably because it was the name that I was moaning all through out the night.

We said nothing while we were doing that act of impulsiveness. I was under a spell, I was under his spell.

The only thing to be heard was moans. Me moaning his name, and him moaning mine.

When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now

What happened to us, wasn't of lust. It was something more.

It was so much more than lust. It was full of longing and passion and...

And I'd rather not say the last word, coz I don't want it to be true.

(It's all coming back to me now)
And when you kiss me like this
(It's all coming back to me now)
And when I touch you like that
(It's all coming back to me now)
If you do it like this
(It's all coming back to me now) release
And if we, , ,

TBC