Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine
Spoiler: none
A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, this one's in Grissom's POV. the song used here is breath easy by blue. sorry for all the mistakes.. it's all on me. please tell me what you think.
Chapter twenty-four: Breath easy
Cruel to the eye
I see the way he makes you smile
It's Jim's birthday today, his daughter phoned me a little earlier today to invite me for a surprise party for her father. Allie – Jim's daughter, well they weren't exactly on very good terms, but that was before when I came back Jim told me all about the good things that happened. He and his daughter are now getting along great, and I'm happy for my friend.
Allie told me that she was trying to contact me two days ago but she couldn't reach me, I told her I was attending on some personal business.
Two days ago I made love with the only woman in my life. She was fierce, she wanted me out and she gave me this box of all the things I gave her, but I wasn't affected by that, I didn't let that affect me. So instead I kissed her. I kissed her and everything else followed through. We made love, and I can say that I was fully aware of what was happening while we were making love, I watched her every reaction, and I listened to her moans. Moans of pleasure and of my name.
When we reached our release, everything changed. It was like she was just under a spell and suddenly she was terrified.
She asked me to leave, and I did, I didn't want to but that look in her eyes. She was begging for me to leave, she was hurting while she's looking at me. And I can't bear to stand how much she regrets what happened.
It was the most beautiful thing for me, while she on the other hand is regretting it.
Cruel to the eyewatching him hold what used to be mine
As it seems I'm the first one to arrive, "Hi Allie"
"Good to see you, Mr. Grissom" she offered me a light smile as she welcomed me inside. I started to help her out with a few stuff the door bell rang, one by one the room started to get filled, first by the cops and soon Dr. Robbins came inside, Greg, Sara and Nick following him.
"Hey Griss!" Greg greeted me. And I'm glad, the look in his eyes now isn't as awful as it was the other day when we met, Nick's gaze at me softened too, but not Sara's. Definitely not Sara's. I guess the fact that she learned on what I did first hand and the fact that she was placed to that position is the biggest trouble of all.
The door bell rings again, Allie opened it and Catherine came in, she came in with her hands entwined with Warrick's. As soon as they went inside, they've let go of each other's hands, but I saw it... it was entwined, they were holding hands. He was holding her hands the way I did. And it this point I know what it means.
So that's why she regretted what happened to us so much.
Why did I lie?What did I walk away to find
Ooohhh - why... ooohhh - why...
All the lights are turned off as soon as we heard Jim's car engine arrived.
"SURPRISE!!!" we all shouted at once, I could see how happy my friend is. And I'm glad for him. Everybody settled with their plates and engaged themselves on socializing, while I stand at the corner trying to be invisible.
"I haven't seen you in a while"
"Hi Doc"
"What happened to you?"
"I needed some time to think"
"You're sick aren't you?"
I look at Doc Robbins straight in the eyes.. "I'm a doctor Gil, and I'd say the chances of you being sick is from very good to excellent"
I nod silently
"Does Catherine know?"
With this I glance to where Catherine is, she's laughing with something Nick has said, then they all fell into a silence, and then she raised her hand entangled with Warrick's. Looks like they just announced something as the crowd started cheering, and she gave him a light kiss on his lips.
"I doubt she cares" came my reply after a few moments as I turned my gaze away from Catherine. I couldn't stand it.
"You should have told her"
"Doc, if you were in my position, would you tell the woman you love that you're dying?"
"If that means I get to spend the last moments of my life with her, then YES."
There was long pause but Doc Robbins broke it
"Gil, what kind sickness is this that we're talking about?"
"Brain Cancer."
"There is cure to that"
"My body stopped responding"
"Don't lose hope Gil"
"I really don't care anymore"
"What? Why?"
"I was just fighting for my life because of Catherine, and now I have no more reason to fight" with that I left, I looked for Jim to greet him a happy birthday and I turned to leave. On my way out I saw Catherine's look of surprise, I look at her and our eyes locked, then I looked away and got out of the house.
She didn't know I was there, I'm very good with making myself invisible, and it's either that or she's just too busy with Warrick.
I can't breath easycan't sleep at night
Till you're by my side
As I drive my way back to my house I can feel my heart throbbing with pain. It's far worse than the throbbing pain I get with my head.
And as I arrive home all I can think of is sleep. I want to sleep to forget all about this, I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to feel the heartache, and I don't want to feel this headache. So before I get to bed I grab some painkiller for my head, and now I'm heading to bed.
Painkillers for my head and a long sleep for my heart.
No I. can't breath easyI can't dream yet another
without you lying next to me
there's no air
And I can't sleep. I can't forget what I saw earlier today. They were holding hands, and they were laughing together, she kissed him and he kissed her, when I left she was sitting in his lap.
There was this look in her eyes that I can't figure out what; it's neither anger nor love. When I made that lie I wanted her to be happy, to find someone new.
Now that she has I can't explain how I feel.
I can still remember the way she taste. So sweet, and uniquely her. I can still hear her voice, her moans. My name on her lips, wanting me.
And alas, all this is followed by the set of eyes I saw before I left her room that day.
How could she regret something I hold so precious for?
Curse me insidefor every word that caused you to cry
Curse me inside
I hate myself for all that I've done.
For all the lies, and the coward ness.
For all the pain and sorrow.
For being so weak and useless
For being so hurt
For giving up
For losing her
For losing hope
And for loving her so much
I won't forget, no I won't baby,I don't know why (don't know why)
I left the one i was looking to find
Ooh - why....ooooh, why - why....
I looked for a cure, for a way for me to survive from this sickness, and all the while I had everything I needed.
Everything I needed, I left behind.
I left my source of hope, my source of strength and my very reason of fighting.
Perhaps I should have told her about what's really happening instead of running away... but then again I doubt I could.
'Catherine baby, I know I told you I'd always be here, but I can't. I love you but I'm dying.'
What a line huh? But maybe that one is too morbidly exaggerated. So let's just go with the truth, it's not like I'm dying... YET.
'Catherine, I'm going to Chicago to see my ex who could help me coz the doctor's here said I have brain cancer and Angela my good friend happens to be the top neurosurgeon in the country. So what do you say, want to accompany me?'
Yea right, like I'm going to let her drop everything in her life for me.
Oh well, I'm gonna sleep now, and in my sleep I'm going to be so much happier ... and I can't wait to fall asleep .....
I can't breath easy
can't sleep at night
Till you're by my side
I glance at my watch, it's 6am, that's weird I slept longer than usual. Probably coz I enjoyed my dream so much. And I don't think I need to elaborate on what my dream was about.
I usually am a rational man. Notice the word 'usually'?
It's so weird how emotions could affect one's way of thinking and decision-making. And probably the other reason for my illogical actions is my sickness.
Could you believe that? My heart is broken and my brain has cancer... talk about disorder!
I can't get any worse than this!
No I can't breath easyI can't dream yet another
Without you lying next to me
There's no air
Catherine's with Warrick, she was terrified with what happened to us, probably because she's now in love with Warrick.
But that can't be right! When we were making love, I saw love in her eyes. She loves me, she still does. And I know that I wasn't just wishful thinking, for I know that look very much.
But perhaps I must let go. Coz even if she still loves me, she's going to be so much happier with Warrick.
I'd rather her be happy than me.
I park my car and I saw him getting ready to leave, he has just finished processing the crime scene, I'm positively sure that he's doing this solo, or if he's not he surely isn't doing this case with Catherine. They're together now and if they work on a case together there's a big chance that their credibility be questioned.
Out of my mind
Nothing makes sense anymore
I want you back in my life
I walked towards him.
"Warrick"
"Grissom! What are you doing here?"
I can see he's not very happy.
"Do you love her?"
He nodded. And I smile that's all I wanted to know.
"Take care of them."
"I will."
With that I walk back to my car and left. I didn't notice that I've been crying, but I am, when I glanced at my rear view mirror I had tears falling down my eyes. I can't believe what I just did.
I'm letting another man take care of my family. And I'm so helpless. I can't do anything but that, coz I know I can't take care of them anymore, yet I want to ... but I can't.
That's all I'm breathing forOoooooohhhh - tell me why
TBC