Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoilers: none

A/N: the song used here is 'Don't cry out loud' by Melissa Manchester, hope you'll like it. Cath's POV

Chapter twenty-five: Unshed tears

Baby cried the day the circus came to town
'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her

I saw him the other day. At Jim's birthday, I had the feeling he would be there, when I entered that house I could feel him, he's there, but I didn't dare search for him. After a little later I saw him, he was leaving and he has that look in his eyes.

After what happened to us, after we, I'm not sure what to call it, made love? Had sex? Anyways, after that, well, the next thing I knew, I regretted everything.

The next day, I saw Warrick he told me he loves me, and I told him that I love him too.

And I do. I really do.

But when he kisses me, I can't help but to compare Gil's – I mean, Grissom's kisses. How much it felt better, not that Warrick's a bad kisser, coz he happens to be a very good kisser, it's just that it doesn't give me this feeling.

That electric feeling, the one that sends butterflies to my stomach, the one with so much passion that I can't resist ... the one that feels so RIGHT.

So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown
while she danced without a net upon the wire

Anyways Warrick and I announced to everyone that we're together back at Jim's birthday, they were really happy for us, Sara was really glad for me, Nick gave Warrick a high-five, Greg was, well .. he's Greg, need I say more? And Jim congratulated us, Doc Robbins, well Doc Robbins just sighed, and he did congratulated us but he seemed upset about it. I don't know why, but maybe he just has his own problems.

I want to forget Gil, I mean Grissom. I want to forget about him, I want to forget what happened to us that night, or rather that afternoon. I don't want to be sad no more, I don't want to live in sadness, and heart-breaking memories of him.

So what if I've loved him for more than a decade? I can get over that.

I'm gonna smile and I'm going to move on with Warrick. I'm gonna have a new life, and a new love. This time I'm gonna make sure that Grissom's memory will haunt me no more.

I know a lot about her 'cause, you see
Baby is an awful lot like me

So I guess I'm going to have to throw this away. This little BIG spider.

This is the one he left when he went to Chicago, and it's still in my office, I'm staring at it again. I'm not really sure I can throw him away, I've been accustomed to his presence... isn't that right, little spidey?

Grissom is really going to hate me for calling his favorite spider, spidey! Oh look it's time to feed you spidey, but before that I have to feed myself too, I'm going to grab an apple at the break room first.

"Oh, hi Nick! Are you finished with your case?"

"I'm just taking a break boss!"

"Oh okay."

And now I leave Nick and head back to my office.

Where the hell is spidey?! Oh my god, spidey, where are you? Did you crawl out? No, Catherine! Dummy! His cage is missing too!

"Hey Greg, did you come inside my office?" I asked as I saw Greg passed by

"Um yeah" came his scared voice

"Did you take anything?"

"Um. Uh."

"Greg!"

"Grissomcameandaskedmetogethisspider"

"What? I didn't understand a word you said"

"Grissom came and asked me to get his spider "

"What! That is my spider!"

So I rush to the main door, and there he is walking to his car with MY spidey.

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings

I walk back to my office, locked the door and closed all the blinds. Hot fresh tears are falling again.

And this is all because of spidey!

I guess having spidey made me feel that Gil- I mean Grisso- oh what the hell! I don't want to be fake anymore!! It's Gil! I want to call him Gil! I'm used to calling him that! And though that name reminds me of everything that happened I'm still gonna call him that!

It made me feel that Gil is always around, and that someday we'd be together. Because in my heart of hearts I still love him. I don't want to fool myself anymore, I do love him. Yes, I just said that I love Warrick, but that doesn't mean I don't love Gil anymore.

Stop fooling yourself Catherine! You can lie to anybody, and everybody of what's true, you can live your life in one big lie but you can't lie to yourself. You know the truth, you feel the truth. And the truth is ... you still love him.

And you know that main reason of you crying again is because you saw him. You saw him and he's leaving with spidey.

Any kind of fool would know what that means.

He's saying good-bye.

He's not coming back.

And this time, you're sure that it would be permanently. No more maybe someday, there will be no more someday. This is where it all ends, no more hopes, no more expectations.

I told him to leave, to get lost, to get out of my life, but it hurts. It hurts so much.

Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

I can't think of him anymore. It's wrong. We almost had it all. All the joy and love, all turned to nothing. I can't stand being here; I need to go home.

So I open the door of my office, and once again I'm to face the world and I have to pretend. A world where I can't let them see me cry, where I have to be strong, the independent, and gutsy Catherine. The one who has moved on, the one who doesn't cry.

I start walking with my head held high and a smile across my face. But who am I fooling? Why do I have to keep this mask of mine? If you will look into my eyes, I know what you'll see.

It's the one thing you least expect, the one thing even I can't accept. It's full of unshed tears.

I should not be crying or hurting this much, after all I do have Warrick. So what if he'll never be Gil? At least I know he'd never hurt me, I just wish I wouldn't hurt him.

Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down
They left behind her dreams among the litter

Warrick has so many dreams for me, for us.

Just like Gil.. but I know that this is different, coz with Warrick, dreams won't be just dreams, I know that it will come true.

No more broken promises, no more broken vows, no more heartaches, no more lies.... At least on his part

Life would be full of contentment, we would have a family, he would love me, I would love him. And we don't have to lie to each other, he won't cheat on me, I know I won't do that to him.

He will never lie to me, I would never lie to him... the only person I'm lying to is me.

The different kind of love she thought she'd found
There was nothin' left but sawdust and some glitter

For the sake of everything that ever means something. For everything that I've been through. For the future that awaits, for a new life, for a new love, for me, for my daughter, and for Warrick.

I'm gonna have to keep this thing I'm feeling bottled up inside. Someday I'll let it go, but right now, while it's here, I have no plans on showing it to anyone.

So what if I'm crying inside? As long as I don't cry out loud, it would be okay.

But baby can't be broken 'cause you see
She had the finest teacher-that was me-I told her

I'm used to this, to keeping things secret. And so as I close my bedroom door, I just can't walk towards my bed. I just came in my room, because this is the one place where crying seems to be safe, where I am confident no one would hear me.

I've cried a lot of times in this room.

And now I'm crying here again, but I'm not sobbing, coz my cries are just silent ones. I'm sitting on the floor with my back on the door, and I'm just staring at the bed. I made love with Gil. And no I would not correct what I just said. I made love with him, period.

I don't know what it was for him, but for me, even if I did regret it, even if I am regretting it now, I know that at that time. While we were doing it, I was doing it because I loved him.

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings

I hate him and I love him both at the same time.

I will keep this pain I feel, I will keep this love I feel for him. What we had, well it has ended.

We almost had it all, but maybe we're just not meant to be.

I would keep this as secretly as possible, it's bad enough that this is the way I feel, because it is wrong, why make it worse by expressing it? Right?

When it comes to specialties, looks like hiding feelings is mine. I just wish that this will be the one trait that my daughter never gets from me.

Fly high and proud
and if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

I don't know how long I can keep this though. But I have to try. I almost had it all but I lost it, we almost had it all, Gil and I with Linds, we had it all .... But we lost it.

Now God gave me another chance to have it all, and I won't waste it, I won't waste it over something that happened in the pass.

I'm gonna start this new life with Warrick, with my head held up high, and my heart as a whole. Gil would always have a place in my heart, because when you love someone once, you can never erase them totally, but all he has is a place, he won't own it anymore.

He's been holding my heart in his hands for a very long time, long before we became a couple, and even after, I have proven this when we made love. He still has my heart in his hands, and I do believe that earlier today, when he took spidey ... he's letting go of my heart. He's giving it back to me.

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings

And I thank him.

Years ago he took it from me, like a thief. He has been holding it for years, and finally we became a couple. Then he crushed it with his bare hands ... and now he's giving it back. And I'm glad.

He's letting me go. And I'm letting him go. But the memories would remain. It always will.

And I think I'm ready to sleep now. I'm ready to sleep in my bed without thinking of him. If I get through this tonight then I know that I can get going.

Fly high and proud
and if you should fall, remember you almost made it

What a beautiful day! Oh shit I'm late for work!!

"You look cheerful today, what's up?" Sara greeted me as I entered the break room

"I got through last night" I muttered in my breath

"What?"

"Nothing. I'm just happy" I replied plainly, as Warrick joined us in the room

"Hey guys!" he greeted Nick and Sara, "Hey" he greeted me with that smile he saves specially for me, "Hey yourself"

"Okay, uh, are you guys gonna kiss? Coz if you are, we need to be warned!"

"No, Nick we're not gonna do that, we can't do that here"

"Oh man" Warrick feigned a sound of disappointment, "But we can do something about that later, what do you think?" I whispered in his ear with a wink, and he's now wearing that big boyish grin.

"Okay guys, Nick you have a 412, take Greg with you, Warrick .. You still have case right?"

"Yea, I have one more person to talk too"

"Okay, well, Sara you're with me, we're on a reopened case, the body's with Doc Robbins already"

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings

Sara and I have been talking to Doc Robbins about the findings that he has to the victim. According to him, the woman was stabbed thrice and shot twice, there are three different weapons used, a gun, a kitchen knife, and one more that until now has not yet been seen. Two of the stabbing came from the same knife except for the last one.

"Sara why don't you go and start talking to the family of the vic again, I'm gonna go back to the last findings"

"Okay" Sara has left ... I'm not sure what the rush is though. Anyways, I'm gonna go and check on the files about this case again, I think I left it in the lay-out room.

"Catherine"

"Yes, Doc?"

"I think you should know something ... "

Fly high and proud
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

TBC

one more chap to go!!! tell me what you think!...