I'm twisted 'cause one side of me is tellin' me that I
need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry,
So many days,
So many hours,
I'm still burnin' till you return
Lyrics from 'Burn' by Usher
I walked down the passageway. Down the steps, towards the dungeons. The stone walls exerted a crushing volume on me as I stumbled blindly, coming from nowhere, and going nowhere. The flickering torches cast mocking shafts of light at the crumbling stones, their false beckoning of hope stretching the looming passageway into a tunnel of doom.
I had no idea where I was going, or for that matter where I had come from. It was too much to take. In the space of 24 hours how could anyone have expected me to deal with that kind of pressure? The overwhelming emotion flooded inside me and burst through my body like fire, erupting from every cell in my body. There came a sense of helplessness and with it, anger and fear. The tears poured from my eyes, like a harsh, unforgiving summer storm. My hands trembled as I beat the wall of the dungeon, a trickle of blood running down each wrist as I did so, soaking the black sleeves of my robes. I collapsed in a heap on the dusty floor, as my racking sobs echoed in the passage, and floods of tears splashed onto the dusty cobbles. As I took hold of my senses, I could hear my ragged breath resounding all around me, the fear, anger and thorough helplessness multiplied a thousand times, surrounding me like an ominous note of music. I closed my eyes, clenching the powdered stone and dust that carpeted the passage and tried to block the memory of what had happened out of my mind. I couldn't see it or hear it, that way it would vanish, I told myself hopelessly over and over again, out of sight...out of mind...
But no, it wouldn't let me. My rational, logical nature began to question that thought, and with this natural born curiosity came the crushing realism of the facts. Cold, hard, bare, empty facts. Facts with no emotion. Facts, that alone, were easy to digest, but since I was on the receiving end, made the emotions they repackaged, replay in my mind, over...and over...and over again.
I stowed my wand in the left hand side of my pocket and stealthily crept out of the back door, closing it with a quiet click. I drifted down the dark alleyway like a shadow, my black robes floating gently in the early autumn breeze. I looked neither left nor right as I concentrated with utmost precision on my target. My destination. My chance to prove myself. I was not going to mess this up. I was as good as they wanted and better. As I approached the castle, I recollected my thoughts and composed myself. Hidden in the embrace of an oak tree, I replayed the details of my plan over and over and over again in my mind until I recalled each part with perfection. Running a hand through my unruffled hair, I stood up in one swoop and made my way towards the silhouette of the castle, noting the profound lack of light shining from any of the windows. It wasn't like I was a stranger to this castle anyway, I had just omitted to turn up at the start of the year, I thought to myself as I approached the gates and pulled out my wand and whispered 'Alohomora authoritus' to the iron wrought gates. They creaked open accordingly and I congratulated myself on having waited to formulate this plan until I received my Hogwarts letter. Being given the position of Head Boy was a great honour, but according to me there were more important things. The Head Boy and Girl were allowed outside the school at any time, and therefore given a special password to re-enter. What a privilege it was I thought, suppressing a smirk as I glided silently across the blackened grounds, the keeping to the dark cover of the forest, with only the moon for company.
I had been sitting in that corridor for hours. Time had passed so slowly and I had cried and cried and cried as though every emotion were being wrung out of me. The memories etched in my mind would not vanish, neither would they blur. As the minutes crept past I was forced to face my fears. I released my mind and let it wander freely. I knew that with it would come more tears and more beating of the floor and walls around me, but logic resumed, and I numbly allowed myself to indulge in my memories, as I knew this would be the only way the pain would lessen. Cruel to be kind...cruel to be kind.
I snuck around the back of the castle, my senses alert, hands feeling for the small, easy to miss catch that was somewhere near the ground. I knew the Slytherin section of the castle like the back of my hand, and pretty soon I found the catch and flicked it open. With a low rumble, part of the wall opened up and I found my self in a small room lit with torches, off which were leading two passages. Pulling a scrap of parchment out of my pocket, I consulted the markings upon it. 'You're not the only one to have a clever map Potter', I thought as I glanced at the two passages ahead of me that were marked on the map. With a start of surprise I rechecked an area of the passage to my left, unable to believe what I saw.
There was silence in the passage as I thought. Replaying in my mind what had happened, and the fact that I was very nearly completely alone in this world shattered my common sense and rocked the existence in which I had lived to it's very foundations.
I walked swiftly towards the sounds of people and the blinding glare of flames. My heart beat at twice its usual rate as I realised that the fire was in my street. Quickening my pace I started towards my house and the sight of it blazing, flames shooting from all the entrances knocked my senses completely. My entire body numbed as I took slow shaking steps towards what was left of my home, the place where I had grown up. The shouts of firemen were meaningless babble to me, the sirens a pointless din, the neighbours who tried to take my hand were ignored as I walked closer and closer to the flames. I looked eagerly for their faces, wrapped in blankets perhaps, in an ambulance, waiting anxiously for my arrival. But I saw no one. No one stopped me as I drifted towards a group of men that I recognised and enquired about what had happened. Their response, and the sight that met my eyes caused me to faint, black out. I knew no more.
I woke up in a warm bed and as soon as my brain recalled leaping flames and noisy crowds I leapt up and ran towards the door at the far end of the ward. A nurse came running out of the office to restrain me as I wept and tried to free myself and run. She didn't understand, I had to get to them, they were still alive...no...no they weren't...with crushing realism the truth struck me and I crumpled helplessly to the floor, tears blurring my vision, blocking all that was there out of my mind. The next few hours passed in complete silence on my part as the doctors relayed all the facts to me. The important facts stood out, nothing else mattered...
...Think it was arson...neighbours saw hooded figures...parents dead...another body found...identified as Ronald Weasley...documentation of will and testament found...
I could not take any more.
Ron was dead.
The people I had believed to be my biological parents...were total strangers
Just when I thought I couldn't take the pressure anymore, Harry burst through the doors carrying a bunch of flowers and looking completely and utterly dishevelled. He stopped by my bed and laid his hands on my shoulders pulling me into a hug, one that caused all the welled up emotion I was suppressing to exert itself onto Harry's shoulder in the form of uncontrollable tears, gasping sobs and frantic denial. He held me tightly as I wept, and I realised dimly that Harry had lost much more than I had. His parents. His Godfather, Sirius. And now his best friend, Ron. We had each other now. That was it. Those were the cold, bare, empty facts.
I stared at the map unable to believe it. Someone was there. I cursed loudly. No one else knew about this passageway. She's messed up my plans a bit, but nothing I can't handle. A well placed Unforgivable Curse would add to the bounty when I returned to Headquarters I thought as glided along the passageway, map in one hand, wand held tightly in the other. I stopped abruptly in the middle of my journey as a brainwave washed over my focussed mind.
Yes...that would be possible...exactly what he would do...get both of them...kill two birds with one stone...more glory...
I carried on, marvelling at my own stroke of genius, aware that a smirk was playing about my mouth as I did so. I realised this small lapse in concentration could prove fatal, so I arranged my face into a disdainful, distant expression and scolded myself for allowing emotion to take over. Never feel anything, I was told when I became a Death Eater, emotions are the downfall of a good soldier.
It's been so long. No one is looking for me. But I'm glad. That's just the way I want to be. Alone. With my thoughts.
In silence.
But it's not total silence. I scrambled up as I heard a soft footfall coming from the opposite end of the passageway from which I had entered. My heart beat quickened as I grasped my wand in my pocket, and flattened myself behind a torch that jutted out of the wall. I could see into the gloom and listen fearfully as the footsteps grew louder, never altering their pace.
I could see her sticking out from behind a torch. Stupid Mudblood bitch, she was always useless at self-defence. This would be a doddle; one swift spell and she'd follow me, good and quiet as a little puppy dog. But not without a little good-natured torture first. I walked up to her; confidence flowed through every vein in my body as I stood directly opposite her shaking figure, surveying her sardonically through narrowed eyes. I brought my face close to hers, so close that I could see the whites of her brown eyes were red from crying, and that her usually composed exterior had diminished. I knew exactly why, of course.
"So Granger" I whispered, my breath tickling her cheek, "missing Weasley at all"? She whimpered and I saw her eyes fill with tears as she pushed me away, wand pointed at my heart in her unsteady hand. "Oh this is took much" I laughed, holding up my hands in mock surrender "curse me then Granger, avenge your lost love".
She whispered a curse and few sparks shot from her wand, flickering and dying inches from my nose. "Nice try Mudblood" I spat drawing my own wand and pointing it at her, "but like so much, magic should be left to those who er, really deserve it".
With a sharp movement I flicked my wand upwards, bound her wrists and ankles together in tight ropes and inserted a gag into her mouth. She stumbled and fell, her wand falling with her, making a muffled clattering noise on the dusty floor. I picked it up slowly and twirled it around in my fingers as I straightened up. My focussed eyes bore into her frightened ones, where she lay in a twisted angle, tears dribbling down her cheeks and spattering the dust. "It's a shame I have to do this" I said sarcastically, "well actually it isn't, I'll rather enjoy it". I raised my wand high, "Mobilicorpus" I said softly, and her body drifted off the ground and hung in the air. "Come on then" I smirked, "this way sweetie, not long to go now". I headed off down the passageway, shoving her wand in my pocket and congratulating myself on my flawless plan. The hard part was over. At least it was for me. For her, it was just beginning.
I was so afraid. And so bloody stupid. How could I have let him just do that to me? I had to get over the fact that ...my parents were dead...and that Ron was too. It would not do for me to have my guard down in times such as these, how the hell was I going to get out of this shit without my wand? It scared me how much Malfoy seemed to know me. I mean, I could bet he hadn't forgotten that time I slapped him one, so he obviously knew about how upset I was and how I wouldn't have been able to cast a spell to save my life. Which leaves no doubt in my mind that it was Death Eaters who set fire to my house. Bastards. And I didn't even get a chance to speak to Dumbledore, I was too preoccupied with having to be Head Girl, organise three funerals and work out why the fuck no one had told me that I was adopted. He was leading me out of a small room and into the moonlit Hogwarts grounds. I hadn't realised how late it was and I estimated about three in morning. My hopes of someone looking out of their window and spotting me were dashed when I realised the path that Malfoy was taking was by the edge of the Forbidden Forest was out of sight of the windows that were dotted on the nearest tower, all of which were dark anyway. He didn't turn round once as he lead the way towards the gates, and I caught him muttering the Head Boy's password before he snuck out of the gate, black cloak billowing behind him, not even checking to make sure I didn't lose an ear as the gate closed. The ropes were rubbing my ankles and wrists raw as I drifted and the gag was practically suffocating me. I coughed and he looked around, a smirk on his face. "Don't choke Granger", he said walking faster, "I intend to have a bit of fun with you".
What the hell did he mean by that? Where was he taking me? We were already down a side road turning further away from Hogwarts, towards an area I had no idea even existed. I was bloody well lost already, how on earth was I going to escape if I didn't know where I was? How was I going to escape if I didn't have my wand anymore either? I prayed Harry and Ron would come after me. My eyes filled with tears again as I realised the void that opened inside me at that mistake. Ron wouldn't come. Ever. He was gone. Harry was my only hope now. I just hope he tells Dumbledore as soon as he realises I'm missing. I know what he's like, he'll try to save me himself, not want to bother Dumbledore. I wondered why, but then recalled that Dumbledore was trying fervently to obtain Voldemort's whereabouts and capture the Lestranges who had up to date murdered twenty innocent muggles and one new recruit of the Order. Harry would do anything to get Bellatrix Lestrange killed, as she was the one who murdered Sirius. I just watched Malfoy for a second, fear of what he was going to do to me filling my heart. My thoughts drifted towards Ron again, and my heart craved for him to be here with me again. I missed him so much my insides ached with longing. I pushed him out of my memory, telling myself, even though the pain of separation was slicing my heart with the brutality of knife, that he was gone. Nothing I could do or say would bring him back. For the moment I had to work out how get myself out of this shit. I pulled my head up, even though no one was there to see, lifted my bound wrists, and wiped away my tears.
It was freezing outside, but I didn't let my discomfort show, or ruin the sheer bloody brilliance of what I had done. At last, someone would thank me, someone would be proud of what I had done. Rid the earth of one more Mudblood, and do it with style, that was me. I took the quickest path I knew, but made sure that it was a route that Granger wouldn't know, or remember for that matter, once I had finished with her. She knew a great many things, was a complete show off, and couldn't never keep her nose out of other people' business. A little torture would fill up the time it took Potter to figure out she was missing and where she was; three weeks to a month, minimum I guess. Potter may be a big head but he wasn't as stupid as he looked. I headed down a dark alleyway just as a thin drizzle of rain began to fall. The light from a lamp illuminating the dustbins and a scrawny cat blurred under the film of water that slowly soaked the end of my robes. I walked purposefully to a dustbin right at the end of the alley and opened it up. The reek of old tealeaves and tuna met my nose, and without wrinkling my face I reached into the bin and pulled out an empty beer bottle. I turned to Granger and grabbed her bound wrists. "You've travelled by Portkey I'm guessing", I said as pressed them against the sticky bottle. I felt her hand recoil slightly, and smirked. "Oh get a grip Granger", I said looking at my watch. The watch struck 4:00am and I felt a jerk behind my navel. The alley disappeared into a whirl of colour as I fell headfirst into Kidnapping Sector Headquarters for The Dark Side.
The place was huge. We landed in the middle of a dark, cold entrance hall where dusty torches sagged from the walls and a forgotten chandelier lurched miserably above the broken mosaic floor. I tripped as soon as I landed since my ankles were still very tightly bound, but Malfoy appeared beside me and swooped up as graceful as a cat, dignity and diligence showing on every inch of his pale, pointed face as he sneered at me, lying on the dirty floor. "Well Granger" he said looking around, "I hope you like it here, because this is where you'll be staying". I realised with a dreadful lurch of my stomach that what he said was completely true. We'd taken a Portkey from an alley near enough to Hogwarts, but I had no idea where to. Malfoy looked up a large flight of stairs that were directly in front of us, then left and right into two large corridors that led away from the main entrance hall. He cursed silently as he realised the place was most likely deserted. "Can't rely on him for anything, where the fuck am I supposed to put her"? he muttered as he walked slowly towards a smaller corridor, one that I hadn't noticed, probably due to the fact I was bound, gagged and sprawled across the floor in an incredibly undignified manner. I gave a small moan and he stopped and turned around. "Mobilicorpus" he snapped, flicking his wand up in an irritated way. Was he hell bent on treating me like a piece of shit? Give it a break I would have said if I could speak. He led me down the small corridor that was lined with hundreds upon hundreds of identical wooden doors. He turned left at some point into an identical corridor. Then right. Left again. Then right. My head began to whirl under the directions, and after about what seemed like the twentieth turning he stopped at a dead end. I hung in mid air, my wrists bleeding now, from being rubbed raw and watched as he put his wand away and looked at the wall ahead. After checking his watch, he placed one slender, pale hand on what seemed like the middle, muttered some words under his breath and then traced a large 'V' on the wall. A vivid, poisonous green Dark Mark shone through the wall, as though it had been scalded from the opposite side, and the wall melted away completely, to reveal a darkened room. He stepped inside, pulling out his wand as he did so, giving it a short wave to light the lamps. I drifted behind him, apprehensive of what was in there, but realised with relief and horror that this was were he was going to keep me. How the hell was I going to find my way out of this maze or even this room without my wand? He turned and waved his wand at me again. The gag and ropes vanished, and I fell to the floor in a crumpled heap. He smirked and then went to check behind two doors that led off the main room. I glanced around and stood up, but barely had a chance to walk before he was back, closing the doors behind him. "Bathroom is in there" he said briskly pointing to the left hand side door, "and don't try to open the front door after I've gone, it's on a timer, and only I know when it's possible to open it". He smiled sarcastically and walked towards me. I stood my ground, although I looked like something Crookshanks sometimes coughed up. "I admire your show of bravery Granger", he sneering, leaning towards me "and I should let you know, its way beneath me to even touch a filthy Mudblood like you. With my bare hands". With a last cold look he turned, black robes billowing and walked straight through the wall through which we had entered, soon after which I heard a small click. My bravery and resolution dissolved as soon as I was sure he was gone. I collapsed to the floor, hugged my knees and buried my face in my robes. No thought crossed my mind. Just an empty abyss stretched from one minute to the next as I sat, paralysed by my bleak situation. About five minutes later I looked up and decided to examine my prison. The room wasn't bad, but it had clearly seen better days. The wallpaper, a pale blue was starting to peel from the walls and the room was sparsely furnished. An oak chest of drawers stood forlornly in a corner, dust covering it and the mirror it held in a layer of time.
A four-poster bed, with dusty hangings was pushed against the far wall, opposite the one I had entered. The frame, legs, head and foot of the bed were composed of black metal. On the head and foot the metal twirled, curved and arched in all directions, elegant and dainty, and each side of both was symmetrical to the other; identical, but exactly the opposite. It held vestige of romance, love even, but the years had been cruel to it. Layers of dust smothered the metal work, and the covers were dirty, yet straight and neat as though they had never been touched. I let my finger trace the curled metal, the dirt leaving grime on my finger as I did so. I was taken aback. This article felt out of place, as though it belonged in another world, a different time and place...a time with someone else.
I blew out each lamp, except for one right next to the bed and sank down onto the covers, the tiredness finally overwhelming me. But I didn't fall asleep. Staring out at the room, lit by the dim lamp, I thought about Ron. I missed him beyond belief and I still loved him, so much. I closed my eyes, but the tears didn't come, I was too tired, exhausted with emotion. I just remembered. All the little things about him that I loved. The way he smiled at me. The way he hugged me. His kisses; the little pecks and then the passionate ones. The way he always stood up for me, and his little tempers. I rolled over, closing my eyes, but failing to obstruct the tears that fell and clutched the metal bed frame. I kept Ron's smiling face in the forefront of my mind and clutched the frame harder as I cried harder. My desperate hold on the cold metal only served purpose to tell me further that he was gone forever.