DISCLAIMER: So, there I was, minding my own business when the next thing I know Joss is pointing at me and yelling, "There she is! Get her! She's crazy!" I ran like a deer, the hounds hot on my heel, bullets whizzing over my head and dove into the getaway car. "Drive, drive!" I shouted, and 'Jane E'. floored it. "Did ya get 'em?" she asked, eyes on the road. I waved the boxers proudly. Another successful Joss Panty Raid.

THANKS: Hey, I appreciate you reading this. C'mere and lemme show you just how much, wink wink. And, as always, sexy thanks to little bit for being a great beta.

WHAT'S GOING ON?: Warren and Andrew joined forces and have been spying on the Scoobies. Buffy and Spike fooled around in the graveyard while patrolling. Andrew talked about Klingons. Xander and Buffybot showed up. Willow is dating Tara...secretly. Or not so secretly, since the Scoobies all know. Warren and Andrew ran off and decided it was time for Phase Three. Buffybot likes The Sound of Music. And now, a few days later, Warren and Andrew are working on Phase Three...

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"Worf is a way better Chief Security Officer than Tasha Yar. The show was better after she left."

Warren stopped tinkering with the wires in front of him and frowned. "It was a good move to have just one Klingon in Starfleet." He looked back down at the jumble of wires. "Pass me the needle nose pliers."

Andrew rummaged through the toolbox beside him. "I mean, sure, Tasha was hot and everything, but Worf brought honor and duty." He found the pliers and waved them. "But Tasha was so cool when they were all struck with that virus and she wore that outfit..." he trailed off, picturing it.

"Yeah..." Warren sighed.

"And she asked Data if he was 'fully functional'."

"Fully functional," Warren repeated wistfully, thinking of his long-lost Buffybot.

Andrew's face screwed up. "Imagine it, having to survive on her home planet, hiding from the rape gangs. Poor thing." He sniffed a bit, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve. "She was so brave. Like Buffy."

Warren looked up at Andrew, suddenly reminded of his mission. "Buffy. Hey, gimme the pliers, or I'll never get this thing to work. Why'd you have to drop it?"

"It wasn't my fault, I was startled when you walked in the room!"

"Yeah well, if Spike and Buffy come home we won't be able to see a thing." Warren put the pliers down with a sigh. "I can't get it fixed till tomorrow. I need a part."

They both stared at the TV monitor, forlorn.

*************

"My hair feels like someone sneezed on it. Like, a hundred times." Buffy winced as a glob of slime dripped down her neck. "Oh, eww! I need my shower, now!"

Spike shrugged. "I told you not to stake it."

"I told you not to stake it," Buffy mimicked. "Thanks, but you shouted it as I staked it. Not too helpful." She groaned in relief as they walked up to the front door. "Oh, my shower is calling my name."

"Mmmm..." Spike perked up, eyes gleaming.

"Oh no!" Buffy rounded on him and he took a step back, avoiding any muck on his coat. "Not gonna happen! The guy who didn't get a drop of demon snot on him will be staying out of the shower! I am not getting hot and heavy with this goop on me!"

"But pet..."
"No." Buffy narrowed her eyes at him and he drooped. "This is a private shower, no horny vamps allowed."

Spike opened the door. "And what exactly am I too do while you're in there?"

Buffy bolted for the stairs, ignoring him, intent on getting the mess off her skin. He smirked, watching her run. "We could use it as lube!" he called as he followed her upstairs. She shot him a glare and disappeared into her room, the sound of her bathroom door slamming shut her response. "C'mon sweets, a little naughty action?"

******

The tinny voice caught their attention.

"Hey! I hear something!" Andrew grabbed the monitor and shook it violently. "They're home!"

"Give me that!" Warren grabbed it.

"Hey, I had it first!" Andrew yanked back. "Let go!"

Warren pushed at his face with his hand. "No, you let go!" They struggled, breath heavy from the effort, heads bent awkwardly as they shoved at each other

"...as lube!" the monitor barked.

They froze, and then, as one, put their heads to the speaker. "C'mon sweets, a little naughty action?"

Warren tilted his head and grinned. "Jackpot."

******

Spike flopped on the bed, bored. Now what? Buffy would be in there for ages, washing, rinsing, repeating, conditioning, deep conditioning, scrubbing with the loofah. What was a vamp to do in the meantime? He sighed and plopped his head on her pillow, frowning when it made a clunk. Slipping his hand under her pillow he pulled out a dog-eared, much-read paperback.

'Beloved Passion of the Wicked Heart?' So this was what the Slayer did in her spare time? Read cheesy Harlequin romances? He thumbed the book open to a random passage and started to read.

******

"What's going on?" Andrew whined. "I can't hear anything!"

"Well, if you didn't have your face pressed up against mine..." Warren shoved him away, wiping his cheek. "You sweat."

"I do not!" Andrew said defensively. "It's a glandular thing."

"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that." Warren turned the monitor over and poked a few buttons. "Stupid volume is stuck."

Andrew fidgeted impatiently. "Who knows what they're doing." he whined, eyes wistful. "A sexy vampire, the One True Slayer..."

******

Spike stopped reading at the sound of the shower turning off. "Ah, my Queen emerges," he mocked gallantly as a damp, pink Buffy opened the door, towel wrapped around her body.

Buffy's eyes locked on her book in Spike's hands. Her own hands reached for the nearest object, a large plastic brush.

******

"...Queen...urges..."

Warren froze.

"It's working!" Andrew dove closer again.

"Did he just say he has urges?" Warren leaned in close.

******

"You are the light of me, my own sun, my own moon, my own starlight. I cannot live without the taste of you on my lips, your sweet hot quim against my mouth..."

Buffy flung the brush at him and he ducked wildly. It crashed into her clock, sending it flying. She pointed to the book . "Give it to me," she ordered.

"Oh my love, my Queen, my world, give me your cunny, your wild juices splashing like the ocean og which it tastes, the life that it holds..." Spike avoided her swing and jumped over the bed, breathless from trying to read and laugh at the same time. "I need to feel my seed spilling into your hot, delicious quim!"

"I said-"

******

"...give it to me!!!!"

Warren looked up in awe. "Wow. She's begging for it!"

Andrew swallowed, overcome with emotion. "That guy is a God."

******

Spike jumped across the bed easily, landing as quietly as a cat on the other side. "I want to live and die in your warm, sweet cunny. I need to bury my manhood deep into you, feel your breath racing against my skin...Cor! Bloody hell this is gold! "

Buffy's eyes were angry slits. "Give it. Now! I-" She tackled him, sending them down in a massive crash against her endtable. They wrestled madly. "...want!" The book ripped in two. "...it!"

******

"...now! I...want...it!"

"Move over!" Andrew grabbed the monitor, holding it tightly against his face. "It's getting kinky!"

"Cut it out!" Warren swiped at him angrily, catching his arm. Andrew's hand slipped and the monitor fell to the floor. There was a moment of silence as the two looked at the broken pieces.

"Nooooooooo!" Andrew fell to his knees, clutching the parts in horror. "Work! Work, darn it!"

Warren rolled his eyes. "Great job, dummy."

Andrew got up, still holding the bits like a precious teddy bear. "It's your fault. You hit me. I was just trying to take notes, for the programming."

"The programming is my job, not yours," Warren said, walking over to the robot sitting quietly at the end of the table, wires plugged into it's head. "And speaking of which, I think we've hit the lottery with his speech problems. I'm never heard Buffy react to Spike like that before, the things he was saying must have really turned her on. Too bad the stupid thing was broken and we couldn't see anything." He typed madly on the keyboard next to the robot. "Let's see...cor...quim...cunny...queen...seed..."

"Yeah?" Andrew came over, gazing at the robot in admiration. "Are you gonna finish his vocabulary now? Maybe...a practice run with the seduction."

"A practice run? Hey good idea."

Andrew perked up, pleased.

"We'll try him out on a Scooby."

Andrew drooped. "Well, I was actually thinking we'd try him on someone else. Like, someone closer-"

Warren turned, inspired. "You're right! We should get him to help us nab Spike first."

Andrew blinked. "Huh? I never said-"

"I mean, Phase Three can't be successful without Spike out of the way. We should rename it. Phase Three A and Phase Three B. Phase A will be the Spike-napping, Phase B will be-"

"We're gonna get Spike? Here?" Andrew interrupted, and sighed dreamily.

Warren struck a pose, arms folded importantly. "No, Spikebot is gonna get Spike."

Andrew nodded, eyes bright.

The Spikebot just sat and watched, mouth smirking.