DISCLAIMERS: Dear Diary, Why won't Joss call me? Does he like that Captain Suspenders guy from his stupid cowboy spaceshow more than me?? I think he's gonna go do a movie with him. SOB. How can I compete with a guy that says 'ain't' all the time? It's not fair. I wish my breasts were bigger. Then Joss would date me. He's so hot!

THANKS: I can't say it enough, but if it weren't for the amazing little bit my fics wouldn't be half as funny as they are. The things she comes up with! She really is the best beta a girl could ask for. WE have two special beta guests today as well, the lovely and delightful Kes, and the delightful and lovely Devil Piglet. Thanks ladies! You are delovely!

WHO'S ON FIRST?: Okay, so, the Scoobies defeated the bad demon guys, never suspecting that Warren and Andrew had planned the whole thing in an elaborate scheme to kidnap Spike. Buffy was hurt during the chase. Tara was hurt while chanting, but she's okay. The Scoobies took her to the hospital, and Buffy went home, thinking she'd meet up with Spike when she got there. Little does she know that the evil Spikebot is on the way to see her! What happens next, dear readers? Well, tune in. Now!

********************

Buffy's breath hissed through her teeth as she finished binding the deep slash in her side. The little voice in her head told her stitches were needed, but Buffy ignored that voice and stuck a piece of tape over the gauze instead. Stupid voice. She was the Slayer. She had super healing powers. She'd be fine in a day.

Or two. That wound is pretty deep. It might take a few days…

Buffy groaned, gingerly pulling off her torn, bloody, used-to-be-her-good-luck-and-was-kinda-pricey shirt. It had been a while since she'd been hurt this badly while fighting. The cut stung, but not as much as her pride did. She reached down for the blood-soaked towel on the floor and froze, hand clutching her ribs. Okay, I take that back. The cut hurts more than the pride. Way more. On a scale of one to ten? A million. Stupid demon. I hope you're miserable back in your own dimension.

She frowned and made herself stand up, ignoring the burning and throbbing coming from beneath the bandage. She was the Slayer, dammit, and no cut was going to slow her down. She could take on anything. If there was a vamp in her room right now, she could slay it. With one hand tied behind her back. And her eyes closed. And, and…

. …this hurts.

Buffy sat down. Her cut stung.

The tiny noise by her bed made her leap up, pain forgotten, stake in her hand. Spike stood there, head cocked to one side.

"Spike!" Buffy sighed and sank back onto the bed and closed her eyes. Her side was on fire. "You're quieter than a mouse, sneaking in like that." When he didn't move she looked up at him and frowned. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Spikebot stared at Buffy, clad in only her panties and bandages, a leer on his face.

Program 12: Seduction Target: Buffy Summers (The Slayer)

Key Words

-Cor

-Blimey

-Oi

-Cunny

-Quim

-Cockstand

-Manroot

"Cor! Blimey Buffy, you've got a real set on you!" His gaze slid over her chest appreciatively.

Buffy paused, not sure how to answer. "Um…thanks?" She looked down at herself and picked at the gauze. A set? That was so… not charming. Then again, Spike was never charming. "Are you alright? Where did you run off to?"

Spikebot came closer and knelt by her side, putting on his sexiest expression. He couldn't keep his eyes off the succulent skin before him. "Shall I massage your supple flesh? Shall I let my hands roam over your naked form, molding to your curves, caressing your most sensitive nerves? Shall I worship the temple that is your body? It calls to me. I cannot resist. Cor!"

Buffy opened her mouth. "Uh…yeah. I guess."

Spikebot leaned closer and stuck his tongue between his teeth. "Shall I lave at your tiny pink rosebuds until they become ripe, red raspberries from my lust?"

"Um…" Buffy shifted. This was getting weird. "Maybe…tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow?" Spikebot looked crushed. "Tonight I want to dive into your sweet ocean, drown in your sweet juices, sing with your sweet cries of passion!"

Buffy stared. "Honey…" she paused as Spikebot started to kiss at her toes. "Um…Spike? That's really nice and all, but, I uh…I'm just not up for our usual acrobatics tonight. That demon cut right through to the rib bones."

Spikebot stared at her, confused. "…oi?" He dropped her foot, disappointed. Re-checking his Seduction Keywords, he tried again. "As I gaze upon your silky skin I get such a cockstand!"

"…erm…"

Spikebot threw himself to his knees passionately. "I will do whatever it takes to have but the merest taste of your mysterious cunny! Ask what you will of me! Cor! "

Buffy's knees drew together on their own accord. "Well…" She stifled a giggle and pulled her foot away from Spikebot's eager tongue. "Stop! That tickles. What I really need right now is some more gauze. I'm still bleeding a little, and I've used the last of my supply. I don't want the bed to get stained from my blood in the middle of the night."

"Blood?" Spikebot drew himself up and struck a sexy, dangerous pose, hands on his hips, duster thrown out behind him. "I drink blood," he whispered, head tilted, eyes burning with desire. Buffy nodded, torn between enjoying the way his t-shirt stretched across his chest and worrying that her boyfriend was acting like he'd gone insane. "I shall go forth and bring you this gauze you speak of, and then I shall pleasure you until you die from the joy."

"Great," Buffy said. Spikebot blew her a kiss and swept towards the door. Opening it, he whirled towards her, making his duster swirl with a flourish.

"I shall return with gauze. Already my manroot hardens from the thought of us in love's embrace!" he shouted. Buffy winced as her door slammed.

I really hope Mom didn't hear that. She sighed and tried to get comfortable, rubbing her still-moist toes on her blanket to dry them off. That was just…strange. And Spike never did tell me where he went.

*********************

Spike groaned. His body felt like he'd just gone ten rounds with a Fyarl demon and then, for fun, he'd lain on the highway and had trucks run over him. Surely he hadn't gotten sauced and tried that again? He went to clutch at his aching head but found he couldn't move his hand more than an inch. "Bloody…"

He opened his eyes to find himself sitting in a La-Z-boy, trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey. An experimental straining at his bonds revealed that they were strong. Unnaturally strong. He strained harder but they didn't give at all.

Frustrated, Spike gave up trying to break the ropes and looked around the room, hoping to see something that he could use to free himself. "Well isn't this interesting," he muttered, spying the big-screen TV surrounded by Star Trek movies and action figures, the poster of Princess Leia, the piles of computer parts. "This place looks a lot like-"

"Like my old basement before you destroyed it and everything I'd worked for?" Warren asked, coming into the room. "Maybe you remember me."

Spike looked at him, unimpressed. "Sure, I remember you." He nodded to the timid blonde guy standing slightly behind Warren. "You, on the other hand, I've never seen in my life. I'd remember you."

"Yeah?" Andrew flushed, pleased.

"Yeah. You're the kind of bloke I'd have killed slowly while you twisted and screamed like a little girl's blouse." Spike slid into game face and snarled evilly, hoping to frighten them into letting him go. Andrew slid further behind Warren.

"Give it up Spike,' Warren said, coming closer and plopping himself on the large couch across from Spike. "I know you can't get out of those bonds, I enchanted them myself." He smirked and folded his arms, looking pleased with himself.

Spike's face smoothed itself back to normal. "Fine. What do you want?" he asked, bored.

Andrew stepped forward eagerly. "We want to keep you here so the Spi-" Warren jumped up and hit him on the arm. "Ow! What did you do that for!"

"Shut up!" Warren hissed. "We don't need him knowing the plan!"

"Well, I thought that it didn't matter if he knows, if he's all helpless here anyways," Andrew said, rubbing his shoulder.

"He doesn't need to know anything, and that's final." Warren said.

"But-"

"No!"

"What if-"

"I said 'no'!"

"How about if I told him about the-"

"No!"

Spike watched the two of them argue and sighed. His stomach growled. He hadn't eaten since before he and Buffy had herded up those…wait. Buffy. She'd been hurt. He'd smelled her blood as he'd run off.

Andrew and Warren stopped bickering and looked at Spike, who was once again frantically struggling against his ropes.

"Let me out of this chair you little bastards," Spike snarled. He had to get to Buffy. "Let me out or I'll-"

Warren stepped closer, smiling as he watched Spike thrash about. "Or you'll what? Even if you were free you couldn't hurt us. We know all about the chip in your head."

"Yeah? Well, my girl doesn't have a chip in her head. But when she finds me, and I promise you that she will, she'll hurt you so badly that you'll wish she had one." Spike glared daggers at the two.

Worried, Andrew looked at Warren, who shrugged. "Whatever. Andrew, you're in charge of watching Spike."

"Really?" Andrew asked, almost squirming with delight. Warren left, leaving the two of them alone in the basement.

"Untie me and I may let you live," Spike whispered nastily. Andrew took a step back and shook his head. Spike's face fell. "Told my girl I'd be right back, I did," he said, sadly. He had to get out of here. He'd do whatever it took.

Taking a deep breath he looked back up at Andrew who was studying him like he was a bug under a magnifying glass. "What now then?" Spike asked. "You some sort of sadist? Gonna torture me now, are you? Burn me with crosses? Cut at my skin with knives dipped in holy water? Bore me by reading passages out of an Anne Rice novel?"

Andrew gasped, offended. "I wouldn't do that!" He picked up the remote and turned on the TV. "I thought we'd watch a movie."

"A movie. You kidnapped me and enchanted some ropes to hold me captive so we can watch a movie together?" Spike groaned as the movie started. "'The Wrath of Khan?' Why don't you torture me with sunlight instead?"

"You don't like Khan?" Andrew asked, shocked. Spike gave him a look.

"Let. Me. Go." he ordered, pulling against his ropes.

Andrew's eyes widened at the sight of Spike's bulging biceps straining against his bonds. "Wow. You must work out."

Spike paused. "Well yeah, a little. Vamp's gotta keep himself looking good for his lady."

Andrew nodded, entranced by the thought of Spike lifting weights. "What kind of working out?"

"Oh you know, the usual. It used to be hunting people, ripping out their throats, feasting on their bloody necks, but then Dru and I broke up…and Buffy, she's not so much into the killing and maiming of humans. Plus, there's the chip. Oh…and it's uh, you know, wrong to kill people for sport. Or…uh, at all."

"Wait, you went out with someone named Dru?" Andrew asked. "What was she like?"

Spike shrugged. "A bit touched in the head, you know?" He sat up straight and warmed to his subject as he started into the tale of how they'd eaten an entire village of pygmies that time in Africa, a wistful expression on his face. Andrew nodded, hanging on every word, Khan playing in the background.

***********************

Spikebot strode down the street, frowning. Gauze. Where would he find this thing that would make his Lady Love give him her sparkling nectar? Who would have it?

A vampire stood in the shadows ahead of him, fangs buried in his struggling victim's neck. Spikebot walked up to them and the vamp snarled, still drinking.

"Get lost Spike, this one's mine," he mumbled around the pale neck. "You can go fuc-gahrrrrrlll…" he choked as Spikebot grabbed him by the throat and he let go of the girl, who fell to the ground, sobbing. Spikebot ignored her, pulling the terrified vampire further into the shadows.

"What the hell are you doing, Spike?" The vampire clawed at the hands around its throat. "I know you've been hanging with the Slayer, but we're old gambling buddies, you wouldn't hurt an ol-"

Spikebot yanked him close. "Gauze."

The vamp blinked. "What?"

"Gauze," Spikebot repeated. "I need it. Give it to me." He shook the vampire for emphasis, ignoring the small drops of blood that flew about as he did. "I need to sup at my sweet baby's thighs, and I can only do this if I have gauze."

"You need gauze to get it up?" the vampire asked, confused. Shifting into gameface, Spikebot squeezed tighter and it panicked. "Okay, okay! Hold on! No need to get violent!"

Spikebot paused. "You have gauze?" he asked coolly.

"No, but-"

Spikebot squeezed once, hard, and the ashes drifted over his arm as the vamp's head separated from its body. Annoyed at the lack of information, he stepped towards the still-sniffling girl, who took one look at his face and squealed loudly, scrambling away. Spikebot's eyes followed her as she ran, noticing a slightly dirty but well-lit building off in the distance. A figure strode out the glass door and Spikebot's programming kicked into gear.

Program 17: Xander Harris

-Buffy's friend

-lives in parent's basement

-works construction

-dates Anya

-likes to role-play

Run Primary Objective

Spikebot smiled evilly and crossed the street.

***********************

The trip to the ER had been uneventful and time consuming and there had been a serious lack of any kind of sexy girl-girl bonding. Not like Xander had expected there to be sexy nuzzling or kissing while Tara sat there, holding the scarf to the cut on her head with one hand, the other twined with Willow's. But was it too much to ask that there would be some later on, with Tara all hopped up on pain meds and Willow weak with relief as the doctor announced Tara's clean bill of health? He'd watched them hug each other happily, waiting breathlessly for the kiss that never came. Instead it was all sweet smiles and squeezes as they walked out, arms around each other. Xander had the eerie feeling that Anya could read his mind, seeing as she'd rolled her eyes at his whispered suggestion that she spend the night and told him she would leave him alone with his lesbian fantasies and sleep in her own bed tonight, not because she had any problem with lesbian fantasies, but because she had to get up very early to dust. Also, she was a little bit jealous. The fact that she said this loudly in Giles' car while they all drove back was enough for him to not debate the subject as Giles turned sharply down her street and braked hard in front of her apartment. No one said a word as Anya stepped out, slamming the door in Xander's face as he leaned forward to kiss her goodnight. The embarrassed silence continued all the way back to Xander's.

Xander was too restless to sleep, torn between lesbian fantasies and Anya fantasies and Anya/lesbian fantasies, so he'd dressed and gone for a walk in search of some manly things to do. Being unable to find something manly to do at 3 AM, he'd instead headed for the nearest place that sold snacks. And that's how Xander Harris found himself in front of a Seven-11 drinking a Super Mega Gulp and eating a bag of Doritos when Spike walked up and made the Anya situation the least uncomfortable thing to happen to him that night.

"Xander," Spikebot smirked, "Fancy meeting you here. Cor!"

Xander groaned. "It really is my lucky day. What brings the Unholy Undead to this part of town? Busy hunting demons?"

Spikebot paused, going over the recording of the vampire's dusting. "Yes."

"Well, don't let me slow you down," Xander said, hoping Spike go and leave him to the misery that was his life. Leave him to his misery and his Doritos and his Super Mega Gulp. And why was Spike standing so close to him with that weird expression on his face? He took a sip and backed away. Spike followed him, lips pursed. The hell?

"I need gauze," Spikebot said, running his hands over his belly, smoothing his shirt over his abs. "Cor!"

Xander's eyes followed and slid away. He took another drink. "Gauze? Why? Is Buffy alright?"

Spikebot nodded. "Yeah, she's fine. And as soon as I return to her with this gauze she'll be fantastic." His voice lowered conspiratorially. "Gauze gets her hot."

"Add that to the list of things I never needed to hear you say." Xander winced, wishing he didn't have a picture of that in his head now. "Go, go get your gauze or first-aid kit or whatever you need.." He motioned towards the store with the Doritos bag and ate a few, ignoring the way Spike was wetting his lips and staring at him.

"I can get gauze here? In this…first-aid kit?" Spikebot asked, pleased. He filed this important information away in preparation of fulfilling his primary objective and ran another of his programs.

Program 28: Seduction Target: Xander Harris

Secondary Objective: Seduce and Reject

Key Words

-Cor

-Blimey

-Oi

-Cockstand

-Manroot

"Xander," Spikebot tilted his head, eyes hot. "I'd love to lick the nacho cheese powder off your voluptuous curves. Cor!"

Xander paused, Doritos halfway to his mouth. "Hey! Curves? Hello, this is all muscle, pal!"

Spikebot nodded and curled his tongue. "I'm sure you have a huge muscle." He stepped closer again, making Xander stumble back in retreat.

"Uh-"

"Xander," Spikebot purred, "Are you afraid of me?"

Xander scoffed weakly. "What? Afraid?" His back hit the wall of the Sev and he let out a little squeak.

"You know I can't hurt you," Spikebot whispered, leaning in. Xander stared at him, eyes wide. "Why are you so nervous?"

"Okay, this? This is a little, uh…" Spikebot sniffed at his neck and he froze.

"Sexy?" Spikebot asked against his ear.

"Gay," Xander finished. "The joke's over, alright? Back off or I'll stake you."

Spikebot smiled into Xander's eyes. "Mmmm…stake me will you? I'd like that. Stake me with your hot manroot! Cor!"

Xander dropped his food and shoved at him. It was like trying to shove a wall. "Get off!" he said, hoping against hope that Spike wouldn't see how erect he was. Stupid penis. Stop it! This is Spike for God's sake.

"That's right Harris," Spike grabbed his hands and pinned them. "I want to get you off. I want to make you so…" he slipped a hand down and squeezed. "…hard."

This is so not right. Spikebot's hand massaged expertly, making him gasp. This is wrong. Wrong wrong wrong-oh! That was...wow. No! Think of something unsexy. Principal Snyder in a thong, Principal Snyder in a thong, Principal Snyder in a th-Spikebot licked at Xander's neck hungrily and he arched into it, sighing, mind abandoning all thoughts of anything but how good Spike was at this, how hot it was, how perfect Spike's hand felt on his cock as he rubbed him through the thin material of his pants. No handjob had ever felt like this. He knew he was straining out of his underwear; all it would take was a simple flick of the wrist and Spike would be touching him.

Lips hovered near his and he shivered at the thought of kissing him. Kissing another guy. NO. Not a guy. Spike. This is Spike. I don't want to kiss Spike. I don't. He wanted to kiss him. God, did he want to kiss him.

Spike let go of his hands and Xander grabbed at his duster and pulled him closer, lips close to his, almost brushing, almost kissing. Almost.

"Do you want me Harris?" Spike whispered, his mouth so close. "Do you want me to kiss you? I want to kiss you and taste you and feel you in my hand, your hot…hot…hot skin in my hands while I rub you and jerk you off, while I make you moan and beg for more. Do you want me to do that? I can make you come so hard…" Spikebot yanked and Xander's pants no longer had a functioning button or zipper, his hand touching bare skin now. Xander's knees buckled.

"God!" He shuddered, hands sweaty against the leather as he held on for dear life, feeling like he'd come at any moment.

"Do you want it?" Spikebot whispered again. He licked at Xander's lips, making him gasp. "That's right Harris, feel it." He leaned the fraction closer and kissed him, tongue deep in Xander's mouth, and stroked hard. Xander shook.

Ohgodohgodohgodohgod…Xander pumped against Spikebot. It was incredible. He tore his mouth away and looked at him. "I want it," he whispered harshly, and went to kiss him again but Spikebot pulled away, grinning. Xander stared, panting. "What…"

Spikebot didn't say a word, just spun away on one heel and went into the store. Xander stood there, trembling with arousal, and watching as Spikebot nicked a First-Aid kit and walked back out. Spikebot stopped before him looking cool as a cucumber, not a single blonde hair out of place. They stared at each other in silence and then he was gone, duster flowing as he walked away, leaving Xander standing there in a pool of spilled Super Mega Gulp and crushed Doritos.

"This has been one really crappy night."