You Love Me coz I Know You Do Chapter 1, a hellsing fanfic

Inspired by her (all bow to SF and muse) No Angels - . Can't entertain as well but heck I'll try.

DISCLAIMER: This is a total Mary Sue fic but hopefully sans the bad spelling, it's written for the heck of it and I promise I'll stop after this chapter (keeps fingers crossed behind back) but I really wanted to write something stupid

I want to thank my dog, my keyboard and everything in the house especially the kitchen sink for helping me write this story.

Read with a dose of humour, a really large dose. Words not in italics are the author's thoughts. Incoherent as they are, they are the only things in its brain at moment. This is not meant to offend, you're really welcomed to disagree with me but trust me, this is just the mad ramblings of an insane Integra fan. I'm just proud to admit and/or announce that this is going to be the WORST hellsing fanfic that anyone has ever seen (beams insanely)

And because I cannot extend this author notes section any further to increase word count (it's all about word count and the author, who cares about the story), yes, you may proceed to read the story now.

And review because I know you love me or I'll hunt you down and send you inane email messages if you don't.

PS: Leet speakers / teens on a sugar high wanted to help write stupid inane messages in code here since it appears to be the fashion these days.

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You Love Me coz I Know You Do
A Hellsing Mary Sue by Kit

Alucard was walking along the gardens of the Hellsing mansion when he felt like crying. All the beautiful flowers in the garden meant nothing to him now that their mistress was gone.

Tears of blood ran down his cheeks delicately. Oh he was so in love with Integra. How he adored her ... he would never be able to live again now that she was dead. No wait, he was not alive, not for the last 500 years anyway.

Alucard stared absent-mindedly into the night sky as he shed more hot tears.

Integra (peering behind the set): (sneers) Chickenwuss

Kit: Agreed. Since when did anyone die and make him a poetic Romeo? But the fact he admits he is in love with you is the wish of all us AXI fans out there

Integra: In love with me? (shudders) That's gross. You people need help.

Kit: But lots of us think you two are cute together. Admit it, you like him too. How else do you explain all those loopy letters you've hidden in the headboard of your bed?

Integra: What letters (goes a little green)

Kit: OH I DON'T KNOW ... but some of them are signed off as 'Mrs Integra D' ... what do you make of them?

Integra: (Goes amazingly deaf as she ignores Kit) Hey bloodbreath, buck up or your medical blood rations are going to be cut (suddenly realizing the reversal of situation, Integra begins to make funny faces at Alucard who is now struggling to refrain from laughing)

Integra: This is in revenge for the times you "tortured" me by trying to make me laugh during all those formal speeches to my men

(Kit - Ano Ange- san, don't mind me but I couldn't help remembering that incident of Alucard distracting Integra at her Christmas speech while typing this ((bows apologetically)))

Walter: (dashes in onto stage) Alucard you idiot, I demand you use a hanky now - you better not get your tears on your white shirt again. Do you know how much bleach I had to use the last time you cried on the plane (volume 4 of manga)?

Kit: Ano Walter-san, don't worry. This is a Mary Sue fic, the Mary Sue will either fix it or something ... anyway, everyone looks picture perfect in a MS fic. The world could be ending but they'll be decked out in all finery - unless torn clothes are integral to the hero giving MS a hot passionate kiss. But even then, it's usually artistically torn and without blood stains.

Walter: Honto?

Alucard: (glares) If you are all finished, can I get on with the show?

All: (nods)

If only he had changed her there and then. She, without reason, one day told him outside the little vampire's room that she would 'change'. Not understanding the sudden change of mind but most agreeable to carry out the deed on his part, he had promised to meet her in her room as soon as he had finished flossing. Tragedy struck as Alucard had opened the door to her chambers minutes later, only to find that Integra had been attacked and killed by a multitude of vampires that had appeared from nowhere.

"No wait, wrong script. Didn't she die of old age pining for me despite her claims she would never change. Oh dear, they never do say whether Integra takes up my offer - damn anime left the ending so ambiguous - I'm totally confused," said Alucard as he scratched his head absent-mindedly.

Integra's disembowled voice was heard: THE HELL I'LL AGREE TO THAT. THEY DON'T CALL ME THE VIRGIN OF STEEL FOR NOTHING ... (insert sounds of Integra being gagged and carried off the set)

Walter: I for one heard the whole conversation. She said she would 'change' the faulty light bulb in her room. She must have been attacked by the ghouls who preferred it dark.

Kit: Honto?

Walter: It's a MS fic Kit-san, logic and reason are optional.

Kit: So I see. Let us continue.

And then she appeared. Like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

Beautiful as an angel, complete with wings and halo, Matilda Gorgeous Lalala Kyoto Nakimura Seashells, MS for short stood lovingly in front of him. Smiling radiantly with long blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes, she so reminded him of his long lost love.

Alucard stop dead in his tracks. Could it be? Was he to have a chance at love finally?

Walter: What?

Kit: That's her name.

Walter: But that and your description of her makes no sense. What's she doing here? Why is Alucard smitten and acting like a pubescent teen? And Alucard's a demon so why is she an angel? And why is there Japanese in her name? Is she Japanese?

Kit: No but it's a MARY SUE FIC!!! And the angel thingee is a staple of a Mary Sue fic. I mean, wings man wings ... no Mary Sue is complete without them. And Alucard is easily placated ... you know a little this and a little that (winks)

Walter: Oh. Wait a minute ... you agreed to THAT? But she'll kill you.

Kit: (shrugs) If she can.

Alucard froze. Oh her beauty and that feeling of warmth radiating from her. What a beautiful creature. He blinked. This had to be a dream ...

Integra (returning from off-stage): Kit cut it out, this fic is so bad I think I'm going to be sick.

Kit: Good gosh, you're still suffering from morning sickness? I thought it stopped after the 4th month ...

Integra (grits her teeth in anger): I AM NOT PREGNANT DAMNIT!

Kit: There there, it's okay, I won't tell the Queen (shameless self plug to Midsummer's Nightmare, a story wrote once because Kit wanted to show off).

Integra: (stalks off muttering something about killing idiotic fanfic writers)

Without warning, a horde of ghouls came rushing in. Seras screamed as she was overrun by a horde of what once were the citizens of London.

Kit: Good gracious, it's like there was a boxing day sale or something.

Seras: Ahem, well I think the villain here got a little too carried away since logic is optional in this fic BUT I do not get run over by a horde of ghouls. In case you haven't noticed, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

Kit: Yeah but how is Mary Sue otherwise going to save the day and show her brilliance?

Seras: (groans and stalks off set muttering something about assisting Lord Hellsing)

Alucard froze. The horde of ghouls was too numerous and scary.

Alucard: WAIT A TOOTING MINUTE ... I'm Alucard, not a pissy Yan Valentine.

Yan: Watch it you f-ing vampire, I didn't even do anything to you yet.

Kit: Oh come on, let's just finish the script ...

Alucard: (sulks)

Kit: Alright, I'll try to write a good ending for you for Choices and Realizations (more shameless plugging) okay?

Alucard: (perks up) Well, it was more of chapter 2 of Marked that I had in mind (at the time this story was originally written, this was not ready).

Kit: Fine.

Walter: Wait a minute Kit-san. You promised me nothing awful was going to happen in Marked. How else are we going to justify the PG rating?

shortly after this fic was posted, kit was forced to change the rating for Marked

Kit: Eh ... I'll work this out with you two later. Alucard, get back on SET and Yan, shoo.

Seras (off stage): Is all this shameless self-promotion really necessary Kit-san?

Kit: Ah shut up, or you do Mrs Pots (more shameless plugging - story is not on ff, beg me and it might come up ... mhawahahaha) again.

Seras: (sighs disgustedly) Why do all fangurls and fanboys think the world revolves around their sad lives?

As we said, Alucard froze. The horde of ghouls were too numerous and scary. He thought to himself, "this is the end."

Alucard: The end of this fic you mean.

Just as the ghouls threatened to flatten Hellsing mansion and its guardian, MS ((insert trumpets)) saved the day. As she fully extended her wings, a pale glow was cast all over the premises. Within a second, the ghouls froze. Their bodies shattered to dust as they began collapsing onto the ground. MS smiled as the numerous souls murmured their thanks at being released from their pain.

Alucard: Oo;;

Kit: She is a Mary Sue. She can do anything.

Alucard: Can she get a kiss scene for me with Integra in a fic?

Kit: We'll see ... back to WORK!!! (shoos vampire back onto set)

Integra (offstage with Seras): (begins sneezing) Ah choo, I have a bad feeling about this (shudders)

She threw her arms around him as they embraced. Suddenly, her eyes widened with fear as she saw the approaching danger from behind.

"Nooo ..." MS screamed as she turned Alucard around - shielding him with her own body, she protected him from the enraged master freak vampire's fatal blow ((insert ominous music)) (bizarre how he had somehow evaded her earlier attack despite logic in its most warped form stating otherwise - duh, all powerful MS super glow).

Alucard screamed as he took out his guns, blowing off the head of the nameless freak vampire (who miraculously avoided a super nova charged attack from MS but could not avoid a bullet from Alucard). He caught her limp body in his arms.

"I love you Alucard, I will never forget you," MS muttered as the annoying glow faded from her wings. "Oh my love, I never got to tell you, I'm Integra's twin sister, 40 years younger."

Integra: Right, my twin but 40 years younger and with wings? HA! And I'm actually the Queen of Scotland. Good grief, why do MS persist in such huge leaps of logic? (groans)

Kit: No, but you know, you're really a queen.

Integra: What?

Kit: You're an ice-queen (runs off as Integra whips out her gun and begins shooting at Kit)

Alucard: For once she isn't shooting me ... that's a record MEEP (as one stray bullet nearly hits him)

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Just then two taxmen entered. "Hey who is in charge here? We are charging you for unpaid property taxes for this mansion."

"But it's state land," stated Alucard as he struggled to free his arms from the iron death grip of MS.

"Uh, okay, then we're charging you for the license fees required for entertainment and fighting on the grounds."

"Don't look at me. She started this. Out of the blue, this mad woman appears with all these monsters," said Alucard as he pointed to the finally unconscious figure of MS slumped over the freak vampire. The battery pack in her wings had taken the full blow of the master freak vampire's attack but the minor electrical shock from the ensuring shortcircuit would see to it that she would be unconscious for the next half an hour.

"Oh. It's her again."

"You know her?"

"Yeah, she appears in almost every fandom. The trauma caused by her to fanfic readers and the relevant anime characters is a constant headache for us."

"But you're from the tax department. Since when did taxmen deal with Mary Sues and bad fanfics?"

"Budget cuts. The world economy is now so bad, governmental departments over the world are under-budget and consequentially understaffed. As such, our staff from the tax department has to also work under the licensing board and censorship board."

"Oh ..."

"Well, hurry up."

"What?"

"Tell her you'll never forget her while we drag her body off. It's the staple ending for Mary Sue fics. Hurry up, we haven't got all day."

"MS, I'll never forget you, never ..." Alucard yelled as he watched the taxmen finally drag off MS.

"As I will need long-term therapy to recover from this nightmare of meeting you, you can be sure I'm going to sue the pants off your estate you crazy b---" Alucard yelled some more for good measure.

Kit: Hey, no swearing, this is a PG fic.

Alucard: Yeah right and since when did you start writing bedtime tales?

Kit: Hmm, you're right. Hellsing isn't exactly a Disney cartoon.

Alucard: My sentiments exactly. And now about that kissing scene you owe me.

Integra: OVER MY DEAD BODY ... (stomping in)

Alucard: Oo;; if you insist ... (leers)

Integra: fumes

Kit: I leave you guys to sort it out walks off the set leaving absolute mayhem as Seras and Walter struggle to stop Lord Hellsing from killing the cheeky top troublemaker in the Hellsing organization

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And in case some of you actually want to know the actual story without the irritating interrupting author's notes (why I don't know)

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Alucard was walking along the gardens of the Hellsing mansion when he felt like crying. All the beautiful flowers in the garden meant nothing to him now that their mistress was gone.

Tears of blood ran down his cheeks delicately. Oh he was so in love with Integra. How he adored her ... he would never be able to live again now that she was dead.

Alucard stared absent-mindedly into the night sky as he shed more hot tears.

And then she appeared. Like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

Alucard stop dead in his tracks. Could it be? Was he to have a chance at love finally? Alucard froze. Oh her beauty and that feeling of warmth radiating from her. What a beautiful creature. He blinked. This had to be a dream ...

Without warning, a horde of ghouls came rushing in. Seras screamed as she was overrun by a horde of what once were the citizens of London.

As we said, Alucard froze. The horde of ghouls were too numerous and scary. He thought to himself, "this is the end."

Alucard embraced his lovely MS, holding her face in his hands. He was so intrigued at her beauty, her intelligence and all the million gazillion overachieving qualities every Mary Sue had. He had found meaning for life again. She threw her arms around him as they embraced. Suddenly, her eyes widened with fear as she saw the approaching danger from behind.

"Nooo ..." MS screamed as she turned Alucard around - shielding him with her own body, she protected him from the enraged master freak vampire's fatal blow ((insert ominous music)).

"I love you Alucard, I will never forget you," MS muttered as the annoying glow faded from her wings. "Oh my love, I never got to tell you, I'm Integra's twin sister, 40 years younger."

"MS, I'll never forget you, never ..." Alucard yelled.

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(grabs vomit bag)

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Real A/N: Please do not write like this unless you're mad.

1. No ridiculous author dribbles at the top of the story - this is NOT the oscars and let me let you in on a harsh secret - no one cares about you as an author, just what kind of fic you can churn out. Fame will come when you have established yourself.

2. Please do not engage in a talkshow with the characters in the progress of the story unless you have put up fair warning that you are writing pure rubbish. I felt my own IQ decrease as I wrote this. Apologies to anyone's brain whom I've damaged but I warned you in the summary.

3. Naming characters after Hellsing characters DOES not automatically make your fanfic a Hellsing fanfic. See chapter 2 for what I mean.

4. We know Hellsing was written by a brilliant Japanese man but randomnly using Japanese works makes you look stupid and desperate.

There are a lot more lessons to be learnt and sites that will review your writing and teach you but this is a fic (albeit a parody) and not an essay. So go find these sites yourselves or the authors / authoress kind enough to teach you how to write properly. I am no expert and I have broken enough of my own rules of writing in this fic as it is.

By the way, if your writing style makes you feel insulted by me, all I can say is - too bad.

As you will note, this fic makes references to a number of old fics I once wrote at the same time I originally penned this fic. All but one of these fics have since been removed from ff - I'm not particularly fond of them as they all have characterisation issues but in the event you must read them - they are archived at http: kit . 250x. com/ ficcy. html

(I actually don't recommend you read them. They are pure fluff and while fun to write, they are not really Hellsing fanfic i.e. they are about Hellsing characters but are not good Hellsing fanfics)