A/N
Disclaimer: I own nothing, blah blah blah.
I am aware that luna should only actually be a sixth year, but it was too late to change it so ive resolved that in chapter three, so please no flames about that.
this story is also up at ashwinder (sycophant hex) where chapter 4 will be posted today, if anyone's interested. Please review me here though!
Chapter Two – Let Battle Commence!
Hermione glanced around at the horrified expressions on all but the Slytherins' faces. She felt about ready to faint herself.
Harry ran sideways and caught Hermione just before she fell on Luna. Ginny's face had gone a rather unnatural shade of green and Ron's was clashing terribly with his hair.
"Ginny!" he said in a worried voice to his little sister, "That's got to classify as life-threatening!" Sadly Ginny shook her head and mumbled:
"No." She tentatively looked up through her curtain of red hair and continued, "Since Snape isn't a registered dangerous animal or anything..."
"He should be!" Neville squeaked. Even the Slytherins privately agreed.
Hermione began twitching convulsively.
"Dreaming...Dreaming...All a dream..." she moaned. Suddenly she woke and yelled: "BLOODY WEASLEYS!!! I AM GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU!!!"
Ron laughed rather shakily and replied:
"You should go easy on the death threats, they're losing their power." Hermione stalked over to the door.
"Err, right then," said Ginny nervously. "I should finalize this. Decerto!"
The door flickered and reappeared. Hermione ran out, slamming it behind her so the hinges bounced. "Everyone back to bed – Filch was bound to have heard that!" Ginny ran after her friend, dicto-quill and parchment stuffed into her bag. Soon the rest followed. In fact, there were so many of them that the mouldy caretaker didn't know which one to chase first. By the time he had fetched Snape, only the Slytherins hadn't had time to return to their dormitories from the seventh floor and were caught.
Hermione collapsed onto her bed in the Head Girl's room, shaking with sobs and hugging Crookshanks to her. Why the hell had she gone tonight? Why did she have to be so curious? Why did she have to get the worst dare imaginable? OK, she reasoned, I wouldn't want to be Parvati right now either... but her mind wasn't working that way now. She wondered what would happen if she refused to do it, but that didn't really appear to be an option.
The most terrible thing was, the dare itself didn't seem too awful. Gods, she wanted to kiss him! She wondered what had gotten into her. Snape?! Only the biggest, greasiest bastard in the history of civilization... But he's not! She thought angrily, remembering his work for the Order. She respected him in a way she could respect no one else. What was so bad was the fact that she would be forced to act like she didn't know what he did – like she didn't respect him. If this wasn't going to get her expelled, she would kiss Dumbledore as well.
Tiredness overcame her and she lay down, still fully clothed, and crawled under the covers. The last thought to cross her mind was to tell the headmaster about the competition - but she knew she had to play to the rules of it – telling would surely get her nicely jinxed. She remembered Marietta's spots from her fifth year and sniggered. No, she definitely didn't want to end up like that...
The morning came, a beam of light hitting her bed from the high window in the wall above. She groaned, memories flooding back, and turned over. At least there was no Potions until Tuesday.
Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, she sat for a while and contemplated her dare. She came to no conclusions, except the fact that she would be more ready to face Harry and Ron after a nice shower.
An hour later she found herself in the library as usual. Breakfast was uneventful, but for Ron's:
"THIS TOAST IS VERY NICE!" which earned him several weird looks from around the room. Hermione noticed Dumbledore looked amused rather than angry, as though he knew Ron was under obligation and was not going insane. She couldn't wait for dinner when, she'd heard, Parvati was stripping, Harry was fainting, Draco, Pansy, Crabbe and Goyle were on the table yelling, Terry was sneezing, Luna was selling Dumbledore a shirt and Ron was coming up with another statement.
She hunched over her book, wishing that it was still yesterday and she could back out. She wished she'd never given back the time-turner. She wished she had anyone's dare but hers...OK, maybe not.
Sadly, her wishes did not come true.
Dinner approached, and if the teachers noticed the seventh years giving each other odd glances all day they didn't say anything. Hermione sat in her usual seat between Harry and Ron, argument forgotten for the moment as they waited for the show to begin. Sure enough, as soon as Hagrid entered, Terry yelled:
"Help me! I'm allergic! A-A-A-Achooo!" Many eyes followed as he ran dramatically past the gamekeeper, sneezing all the way. Harry's smile, Hermione noticed, faded quickly as he remembered his dare was still to come.
After the teachers had resumed eating and the chatter began again, Ron cleared his throat loudly and yelled:
"I NEED PSYCOLOGICAL TREATMENT!" the Slytherins erupted in laughter and even Snape grinned a little as if in agreement with the statement.
They had just started on some lamb chops when Luna swept dramatically up to the head table carrying a Snorkack shirt.
"Professor Dumbledore," she began, aware of every pair of eyes in the hall on her back, "I've made these lovely shirts for the conservation of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack and I wondered if you've like to buy one. It's only one single Sickle! You see, they are suffering greatly because they often get hit by muggle skiers in Sweden, and wizards won't help because they are adamant they don't exist..." Hermione noticed the fact that Luna seemed incredibly genuine about it all. And where had those shirts come from, anyway? Gods, she hadn't had them already, surely?!! She was pulled from her thoughts by Dumbledore's reply.
"Well of course, my dear! I should love to support your cause. You know, in my youth I was fortunate enough to see one of these amazing creatures...I'm sure if you continue along the row, some other professors will buy one too." He handed some coins over (Hermione was rather shocked and got an urge to yell: 'Loony only said ONE Sickle, you idiot!') and looked down the row of teachers. Snape's features were contorted once more into his trademark scowl and the others looked less than impressed. Luna practically sprinted out of the hall and her footsteps echoed on the stairs in the silence.
Dumbledore had only just put on his shirt (it looked utterly ridiculous – a stick-like bony creature charmed to speak constantly, exclaimed: 'Help, I'm endangered!' over and over again –the headmaster silenced it quickly) and picked up his fork when Goyle got cautiously onto the table and began.
I was asked to write a poem
But I don't know where to start
It's about a flying teacher
Who's always in my heart.
I'm not very good at poems
Or anything else I do
But at least I really mean it
When I say, 'Hooch, I'll always love you!"
By the last line Draco was up on the table. He began to sit loudly and tunelessly:
It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money, but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live!
If I was a sculptor, but then again no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you
bAnd you can tell everybody this is your song
I know it's quite simple, but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words how wonderful life is while you're in the world!
He finished singing and said passionately:
"Goyle! Don't love her, love me! I can't get you out of my head! Please, marry me!"
Goyle was saved having to answer by Crabbe, who had just got on the table too. It was getting full already – the food had to be squashed to one side and even so Crabbe managed to step in some mashed potato. Looking daggers at the Gryffindors, he yelled:
"I am not heterosexual!" very loudly and threw his podgy arms around both of the others. He kissed Draco passionately first, then Goyle. The sick thing was, he looked like he was enjoying it.
Hermione glanced over at the head table and noticed Snape was rooted to his chair, looking as though he was about to be sick. Ooh, she thought, he's got a shock in store for him!
By the time Hermione's gaze returned to the snogging Slytherins, Pansy had jumped up on the table, bowl of mashed potato in hand.
"How could you?! I thought you loved me, Draco! I'll never trust a man again!" she wailed very convincingly and proceeded to throw the mashed potato at the blond. As she staggered backwards and ran out of the hall, there was an almighty crash and Malfoy and his bodyguards had fallen over, covered in gravy and mashed potato from the table. The Gryffindors howled with laughter, clutching their sides. It was then they noticed Parvati heading out to the front.
Music appeared out of nowhere as the nervous Gryffindor stopped at the head table. Nearly all the males present had their eyes glued to her as she started dancing. She now had no robes and sported a tiny bit of cloth round her waist (was it really a skirt?) and a tank top.
Hermione felt very compelled to turn away and hide under the table until she'd finished but found herself rooted to the spot. By now the only clothing left were fish-net stockings and a lacy bra and thong set. Gods, even Dumbledore was staring!!
In her peripheral vision, Hermione noticed Snape was struggling to take his eyes off Parvati. She knew he would be extremely mad at himself for not being able to. She thought of what was coming next, and giggled.
Next to her, Ron was gaping like a fish and Harry had somehow managed to tear his eyes away to the floor. Parvati had now lost the fish-nets and the bra. Soon the thong was gone too and she shimmied over to Snape, who by now was also gaping with a mixture of lust, embarrassment and extreme anger. Hermione found it very hard to believe this man had any sort of sex life.
Snape sat back, rigid, as Parvati began her lap dance. She was sure he was trying to close his eyes but just couldn't. As the whole hall burst out with side-splitting laughter once more, the naked girl ran quickly out of the hall. Harry stopped laughing – psyching himself up for his dare.
About ten seconds later, when the puddings had appeared in an attempt to calm everyone down, Harry screamed loudly and promptly fell backwards off the bench.
"He's back! He's back!" he said as loudly as he could considering he had just hit his head very hard on the floor. "Mummy! Daddy! Help me!" Hermione and Ron helped him stagger out of the hall amid peals of laughter to complete his dare.
As soon as they were out of earshot, they collapsed on the stairs and shook with hysterical giggles. The thought that this had to continue until July didn't faze them, nor did the thought of snogging Snape, or blowing suggestive kisses. All they could think about was the four Slytherins they hated most getting covered in mashed potatoes, singing love songs and making up poems.
"Oh Harry," Ron choked after a while, "That dare was bloody brilliant! His singing! Oh!" He could say no more as he collapsed again.
"Glad you find it so amusing," came Parvati's voice from a little way above them. "Personally I'm wondering whether to jump off the Astronomy Tower." Ron's face fell.
"Gods, Parvati, if I knew you had a body like that I would've asked you out years ago!" She blushed and retorted:
"I wish I didn't, I'm scarred for life by Snape now." Harry looked quizzically at her and she continued in an undertone, "Don't tell anyone 'cause I'll be skinned alive, but that guy was seriously aroused!!"
Hermione, Ron and Harry stopped smirking, stopped rolling around on the stairs, and almost stopped breathing.
"He was WHAT?" they said together.
"He was totally turned on!"
Hermione ran all the way back to her rooms, about to die with the concept that Snape actually had desires.
A/N
Wow that chapter was so much fun to write!!
The poem, I made up (luckily Goyle wrote it so I didn't have much of a standard to live up to!) and the song was the first bit of 'Your Song' by Elton John. I don't know why I thought of it, I just did. Ooh, I have to have more songs for future chapters don't I... this will be interesting. !!
Decerto (apparently) is Latin for 'fight to the finish' or 'contend', just in case you wanted to know. :)
Thanks to anyone who's already reviewed (at ashwinder or here), if you haven't the button's just down there and it's longing to be clicked. ;) lol.
love and hugs, ss13