Part III – Where Mary Sues finally gets to be an Integral part of Alucard's life
Alucard laid happily in the armchair. Stretching his arms, he mentally congratulated himself as he swore he had not known a more peaceful and satisfying night since the last trick he played on Integra.
For the sake of a lack of plot (being a staple requirement in a Mary Sue fic), we shall not go in details. Suffice to say, the consequence of his trick had the lady of the house up in arms against the vampire, nearly tearing off his in the process.
"What a beautiful night," sighed Alucard in contentment as he took a sip from his glass. Helping himself to one of Integra's favorite cigars, he began puffing happily.
Just then, he heard the creak of the door as someone else entered the den. "Who's there? Oh, Alucard what are you doing here?" came the surprised voice behind him.
"Ah master, good evening to you too" replied Alucard.
"Why are you in the den and smoking at that too? I thought you hated cigars?"
"Well I do but today's events warrant a minor celebration."
Integra eyed Alucard warily as she slowly settled herself on the sofa. "I don't suppose you're hiding from her too?"
"Who are you referring to master?" asked Alucard, graciously lighting a cigar for Integra.
"The author of all these lousy fics of course," answered Integra somewhat nervously. "I hate to think of what she would do if she caught us down here."
"Probably drag us into one of her hair-brained stories again."
"You mean hare-brained?"
"Oh yes. I meant that."
"Alucard, I would suggest that you better watch yourself. It looks like you're not quite as immune to the side-effects of OOCsness yourself."
Alucard glared warily at her, "I hate to admit this but I suppose you're right, all this exposures to MSes and stupid fics is starting to affect me too ... I thought it didn't affect vampires, only humans," he said shuddering at the thought.
"Oh yes, OCC wands, mind controlling underwear and pajamas and the like," echoed Integra, chewing her cigar irritably. "I do wish one could impress on that brainless git of Kit that I will not be portrayed as a floozy or some teary, bosom-heaving female straight out of some nickel paperback. While I'm portrayed as less of an ice bitch in the manga, I certainly am no Sailor Moon. And it will be a cold day in Hell before I come crying to you because I'm scared of a thunderstorm or to snuggle up to you coz I'm cold."
"You are one to complain," sighed Alucard glumly. "I'm the one who had to fight off Mary Sues of every color, size and age ..."
Both vampire and vampire huntress shook their heads sulkily as they recalled the awful plot devices employed by the said fanfic authoress to date.
"I suppose Walter and Seras have had it good so far."
"I agree. I suppose this is the price of popularity ..."
"I doubt it. I was going through some of the mail last night and I think Walter and Seras might have avoided trouble by paying her off. I will definitely have to speak to Walter about this. In fact, Alucard, I think we should ... hey wait a minute ..."
"What is it master?"
"It's her at work again. Haven't you noticed it? Look, we haven't had any description of a story, just lines of conversation for the last few sentences. How I hate this sloppy lazy writing!"
"Hmm, you are right but I suppose this is the lesser of the possible evils she could visit on us."
"Right, so I take it that she is too lazy to write properly and that's good for us?"
"Exactly. This is really more than I can ask for."
"You do realize we are starting to ramble too. In fact this is no more than a characters bitching session is it not?"
Somewhere in a dark corner, an evil fangurl cackled as she typed happily on her laptop – all the while muttering insanely "My precious ..."
"But" beamed Alucard triumphantly at Integra, "nothing can quite spoil my mood tonight, not even if Kit renders me into some sentimental, poem sprouting lovesick loony."
"Why is that?" asked Integra curiously. "Has this got anything to do with that MS girl?" she quizzed.
"Why yes it does. You might find this hard to believe but I've finally found the best and only way to appreciate her."
"And that is?" questioned Integra hesitantly.
Alucard said nothing but merely raised his glass to Integra before emptying the red contents.
The End – (Really)
Author's notes: And so we end, a totally pointless chapter to a totally pointless tale.
In case you still don't get the last line. Alucard's having a lovely Bloody Mary despite having realized the ill-fated results of having one first thing waking up – see Londonderry Lust (shameless plugging). If you still don't get it, all I can say is we're on different wavelengths.
Dedicated to El and SF with whom this idea was schemed up.