A/N Here's the next chapter, enjoy!

To Barbas: The dares last up to graduation, as stated in chapter 1.

MessengerOfLight: thanks, I might take you up on that offer someday!

thanks for reviewing, everyone!

Disclaimer: I still own nothing.

Chapter Three – Snape's Desires

Hermione ran all the way back to her rooms, about to die with the concept that Snape actually had desires.

That morning, Hogwarts' Head Girl woke from the worst dream she'd ever had the misfortune to have. By the Gods, she'd enjoyed seeing Snape, err, naked. She was going to have to get that thought right out of her head. She absent-mindedly had a colder shower than she usually did to wake herself up a bit. She then collapsed in giggles thinking what Snape might use cold showers for.

At breakfast, she got the worst shock of her life when she noticed the afore-mentioned Potions Master staring at her. Oh Merlin, she thought. Gathering her courage, she tilted her head slightly and blew him a kiss, fluttering her eyelashes more than was strictly necessary.

Snape appeared to have had a bucket of icy water tipped over him. He sat unmoving for what seemed about ten minutes. Seizing this golden opportunity, Ron yelled his statement:

"Professor Snape doesn't know how to breathe!"

This outburst snapped Snape out of his trance. In fact, he got up so suddenly the staff table in front of him fell right over. With an almighty crash, the professors became covered in food and no longer had the company of their plates. Some looked angry, some amused, and some seemed not to have registered what had just happened.

In the confusion that ensued, not many people noticed the irate, greasy teacher fleeing breakfast. Or the two camera flashes that caught everything.

Several minutes of chaos later, Dumbledore righted the table with a flick of his wand. The staff were now clean, the floor was clean and nothing was smashed anymore. The headmaster still had that damnable twinkle in his eye, as though he was having a great deal of fun.

Across the table from them, a certain Colin Creevey showed the Golden Trio his camera surreptitiously.

"I got two photos," he whispered.

Charms was first, and Lavender came in last in a very bad mood. Hermione distinctly heard Parvati say:

"You don't have to deal with the overgrown bat's thing!" to her blonde friend, who blushed scarlet and put up her hand.

"Yes, Miss Brown?" piped the tiny professor, perched on his stack of books as usual.

"Well Sir, it's like this," she began, losing the blush and grinning seductively, "I made a prophecy the other day, and it told me we were to be married and produce nine children." The class was fighting back giggles, but the poor teacher was shaking like a leaf. The tremors eventually became too much for his book pile, which promptly collapsed. On the way down, Flitwick's head connected with the desktop with a sharp crack.

Thus their lesson ended with levitating their unconscious professor to the Hospital Wing.

Following lunch ("Snape dreams of Parvati's features!") was the dreaded lesson: Potions. Neville was trembling, Padma was looking around nervously and Hermione, in spite of all better judgement, was grinning profusely. This would teach Snape to be so damned unfair! If he so much as took a point this lesson, she was using her back-up plan. And if he thought her dare was bad, he should wait till she showed him what she could do on her own!

The dungeon was dark and gloomy as ever. She had a few ideas for down here, as well... As they lined up outside the classroom, her nerves caught up with her. She could trust the Potions Master with her life – that she knew – but could she trust him to leave her alone if she was going to be like this to him? She honestly wasn't sure if he would take advantage. Then another thought crept into her head, totally unbidden and definitely unwelcome:

You wouldn't mind if he came on to you, would you?

That was just downright disturbing, but she didn't have time to wonder more now. The door was open and there he stood, trademark sneer still in place as though it had been his twin at breakfast making a fool of himself.

He ushered them in, and Hermione waited until last. The door slammed behind her, and suddenly it all became very real – it wasn't just a funny game anymore; she actually had to do it.

"Err, professor," she said tentatively, moving closer. He looked up but before he could say anything she was on him, pressing her mouth on his. The class (minus the Slytherins, who looked faintly sick) erupted in cheers, not really caring about points or detention anymore. They were just out now to have fun, and Hermione's strength of will returned.

She shoved her tongue into his mouth so no one could say she hadn't done it properly, then let go as quickly as she could without making it look like a dare. As she walked to her seat, she swayed her hips a little more than she usually did, and was awarded with Snape staring very much like he had with Parvati.

A second later, making her think she had imagined his reaction, his face contorted back into the emotionless mask it usually was. Then the storm hit.

"MISS GRANGER, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO TO ME?" Hermione decided that a job worth doing was worth doing well, so put on her best smile and replied innocently:

"I just kissed you, sir – you looked like you needed it." Padma started laughing hysterically, but sadly that sound came out weirdly due to her thumb which was obediently stuck in her mouth.

Snape's face did a funny thing then. First it went purple, like he was angry, then it went red, like he was embarrassed, then green, like it was all getting too much and he was going to be sick. Then he noticed Parvati's twin, who was choking on her thumb.

"Miss Patil, may I ask what you are doing?" he inquired in his quiet, silky tone which told anyone clearly that being polite was not his scene and he would much rather be ripping their heart out with a blunt object.

Padma coughed one last time and said awkwardly:

"'es, 'ir, if 'ou 'ike." Snape turned purple again, the vein in his temple pulsating.

"Miss Patil, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" his voice started off dangerously low, but broke into a yell as though containing his anger had become too much.

"I'm 'ucking my 'umb, 'ir." Beside Hermione, Ron and Harry finally burst out laughing.

Snape whirled around and whispered:

"Miss Patil, Miss Granger, detention for an entire month with Filch! Now, instructions are on the board. GO!"

Neville, still shaking, managed to explode his cauldron within the first quarter of an hour. Luckily, though, Snape was over quickly and it did no damage. Hermione nudged her partner. Now was the perfect time for his dare.

"Longbottom," hissed Snape, "Once again I find you are incapable of brewing the simplest of potions. That will be, let's see, twenty points from Gryffindor."

"But I invented Veritaserum!" Neville choked out, terrified. "I'm only pre-pre-pretending to be awful, sir!" Snape's lips curled as though he found the dare amusing.

"Well then, Longbottom, since you know so much about your wonderful invention, you won't mind a month's worth of detentions with me to brew some more, will you?"

"N-no sir, I'd be honoured." Snape's lip curled further.

"Good. Well, everyone pack away. A labelled sample of your potion will be left on my desk. You are free to go. Detentions begin this evening at seven – Filch's office. Not you, Longbottom, you'll come here." Bringing her sample to the front and blowing a kiss at the maddened teacher, Hermione left the room. Padma was close behind her, and as soon as they were out of the dungeons they let out huge screams of laughter.

"Oh, Hermione, you should've seen his face when you snogged him! He looked like Christmas had come early!" They giggled helplessly for another minute or so.

"Too bad we got detention, but I reckon it's worth it."

"Yeah, I reckon so too. You know, I'm beginning to enjoy this." Hermione grinned, then grabbed Padma's arm and dragged her to lunch.

"I've got this plan," she said as they walked, "But you mustn't tell a soul just yet. Meet me outside my rooms after dinner, then we can go to detention. I tell you, it will totally wipe that arrogant smirk off the bastard's face."

She sat down at the Gryffindor table, looking around. The news had spread fast and everyone was having more laughs at Snape's expense. Good, she thought. That's exactly the thing I intend to make sure keeps happening...

In the entrance hall after lunch, quite a crowd was gathered. Something was frantically squeaking and Luna's dreamy voice drifted lazily towards them, soothing the creature.

"There, there, Dizzy," she said to it, then turned to the crowd. "Don't stare at him so much, he gets scared!" Quite without warning, the thing pounced at Lavender. Hermione was able to get a better view. It did, indeed, have crumpled horns and almost exactly matched the picture on Luna's shirt. It's skin was boulder-grey, and Hermione wondered how skiers managed not to notice them.

It had long, bony fingers which were currently clawing at the poor blonde's eyes. The thing was mad – it wouldn't listen to Luna (if, indeed, it could hear her) and appeared to be very strong. No one was able to get it off, and no one really wanted to go near it.

The disturbance had fetched several teachers who quickly knocked the Snorkack out with well-placed stunning spells. Luna was crying and screaming:

"Don't hurt him! Don't hurt him!" while doing a hysterical dance. It was then that Hermione realised – they do exist! She didn't have time to contemplate the matter more, however, as the headmaster came sweeping towards them. He levitated Lavender, whose face was scratched and bleeding. Sending her with Professor McGonagall up to the Hospital Wing, he turned to Luna.

"I'm afraid you have taken circumstances out of my hands, Miss Lovegood. I let you skip a year because of your amazing OWL results, but it seems I was rather mistaken. Ah, the mistakes of an old man. It has come to my attention that your results might not have been totally genuine, is that correct?" Luna stood there snivelling and nodded silently.

"I would quite like to know," he continued, "How you managed to break my most powerful anti-cheating spells, but that will have to wait for another time. I am now moving you back to sixth year, and you will retake OWLs with the fifth years. I'm afraid you will have to take any side-effects this competition of yours might put on you. Let's try it. How about you take that shirt off?"

"Wow Hermione, that's brilliant!" Padma agreed to help with the Head Girl's anti-Snape plot. They arrived outside Filch's office, still giggling and discussing the finer points of 'Operation Greasy Git'. The fact that she wanted to snog Snape again did not occur to Hermione as a reason why she shouldn't humiliate him. She grinned evilly, as she was prone to doing recently.

Indeed, as they walked back to their respective towers two hours later, they left behind a very bemused Filch who was unable to understand why two students enjoyed detention.

As Hermione lay in bed that night, she could still hear the peals of ridiculous laughter in her head as Luna turned into a Crumple-Horned Snorkack.

A/N

Sorry if this chapter was a bit short. I admit I really just wanted Luna out the way but, seriously, there is a plot behind this! It will pick up by chapter five, where Hermione's plan is revealed. Believe me, it's funny!

Thanks for all the wonderful reviews I've had so far, keep 'em coming guys!

love you all, from,

ss13

PS: FORMATTING DONE NOW!! YAY!!