Chapter 9: Birthday from Hell

Note: Hello there. As usual, this concept is owned by Squaresoft. But before you read, I must warn you: This chapter was inspired by sugar, insanity, and mulling over the ripe old age of 14 too much. OH YAH, AND, LadyTifa26's permission was issued for the respectable usage of herself, Laura.

"LAURA!"
"Huh?"
"LAURALAURALAURALAURALAURA!!!!", shouted Rachel as she jumped up and down while shaking Laura to get up.
"Get control of yourself, woman!", yelled Laura, and she slapped Rachel.
"GUESS WHO'S BIRTHDAY'S TODAY!?", she squealed giddily.
"Oh yeah! I know whose birthday it is today!"
"Whhooooosse?", Rachel said in a singsong voice.
"The most important person on the planet!"
"AAWWW! You flatter too much!"
"VINNIE!"
"DIH!", yelled Rachel, falling to the ground in exasperation. "NO! MINE!"
"Oh yeaahhh, it's your 14th, isn't it? I put that down in small letters right here under Vinnie's." Laura handed over her calendar, and when Rachel looked, she couldn't see where it was written.
"Where is it!?", she yelled.
"Right here. You might have to squint a little. . .", she said she pointed.
"Oh, yeahhhh. I see it now. . . WHY IS IT SO SMALL?!"
"Hey! Don't blow a gasket! It's just that it's Vinnie's birthday as well. Weird how both of yours are on the thirteenth, huh?", Laura said with a smile.
"I. . .HATE you. . ."
"Okay, er then uh, I know! Let's tell Cloud! You'd like that, right?", said Laura as she walked over to Cloud's bedroom door.
"Uh, Laura?"
"What?"
"You might not wanna do that. . .", said Rachel with a nervous smile.
"Oh, why not?", she said with a grin. She opened the door, and saw Cloud and Tifa.
"SCCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH!" SLAM! Laura slammed the door shut, and her heart was pounding as she leaned against the door. "I think I've officially gone blind."
"I told you. . .", said Rachel with that same nervous smile.

"Rachel? Are you here?" Aeris' voice came from downstairs.
"Yeah! I'm here!" Aeris began coming up the stairs, and smiled widely when she saw Rachel.
"AAWW! Thanks for the picture! That was really sweet!" She hugged her again, and again came that nervous smile. "Where's Cloud? I want to show him it!"
"No no, there's no Cloud here!", said Laura who was now guarding the door.
"Isn't that his room? Is he sick?"
"Uh no, I think he's quite well really. . .", Rachel said with a sweat mark getting larger.
"Hey! Uh, come on! Let's get breakfast started! Shall we?", said Laura, steering Aeris away from the door. But she began tripping down the stairs blindly.
"Oh sweet Jesus, she HAS gone blind." The door to Cloud's room burst open, hitting Rachel who was now behind the door, and Cloud and Tifa stepped out.
"I think the coast is clear. Come on, follow me.", he whispered. They walked carefully away from the door.
"Ow. . .ouch. . .", Rachel mumbled as she slid off the wall, leaving a mark and a little blood.

"Hi Cloud! Was anything wrong?", asked Aeris back at Tifa's house, making breakfast.
"Oh, uh, NO! Everything is fine! Right Tifa?"
"Er, right Cloud!", said Tifa, with a sweat drop.
"CLOUDY! SQUEE!", squealed Rachel as soon as he went through the door.
"HEY! I THOUGHT WE AGREED YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT!"
"STOP LIVING IN THE PAST CLOUDY, AND LIVE WITH ME!"
"I LIVE NEXT DOOR!"
"NOT CLOSE ENOUGH!"
"AARRRGGHHH!" Tifa looked at them angrily, and walked off. "NO! Well, there's another one gone. . ." Laura was sitting at the table with a blank look on her face, waving her hand in front of it.
"Laura? Are you okay? Is she blind?", asked Aeris, looking at the diminished brown color of her eyes.
"Uh, you might say. . .yes."
"Don't worry, she's just suffering from darkness.", said Cloud, prying off Rachel. "I can heal her right here."
"Hey guys." Suddenly, the color came back to Laura's eyes, and she turned around to see Vincent, even before Cloud could help her.
"VINNIE!"
"AAUUGH!" All of them stood there with sweat drops, watching as Laura buried her head into Vincent's stomach.
"Aw, I think they make a cute couple.", said Aeris. "I only sort of wish I had admirers."
"Vinnie. . ."
"Grrr. . ."

"I thought you said something on toning down the annoying.", said Cloud over breakfast. They all sat down to the immense breakfast that Aeris always made, but Tifa was just looking over at the table at both Laura and Rachel, who were both sweating nervously under her piercing gaze.
"Eeee. . .", said Laura and Rachel in unison.
"Calm down Tifa. They didn't see much.", said Cloud.
"See much what?", asked Aeris and Vincent.
"Oh, uh, nothing, nothing. . . But you said you would tone down the annoyance factor."
"Well, today we should be exempt from that.", said Rachel.
"Why?"
"IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!", she screamed excitedly.
"It's also Vinnie's birthday!", said Laura. "I'm gonna get him the best present. ALL OTHERS WILL BE DESTROYED!"
"No, I will not be partaking in any birthday festivities.", said Vincent solemnly while finishing off some bacon.
"Why not? Don'tcha wanna see my present, Vinnie?", she breathed in his ear while tracing a circle with her finger on his chest.
"EEEP! AWAY DEMON CHILD!"
"How many times do I have to tell you I'm not a child!", she said with annoyance. But with a grin, she bit her lip a little and moved back to his ear. "But I CAN be a DEMON. . ." All of a sudden, she stuck her tongue in his ear, but instead of screaming like he almost did, a look of insurmountable pleasure overtook his face. The others still sat there, with larger sweat drops than before. She quickly released him however, and she got up from the table, went and opened the door, but she blew a kiss to him before she left the room. Vincent just looked back with his mouth gaping wide, and he moved to follow.
"Sit back down here, lover boy.", said Rachel, with an annoyed look on her face, and she pulled down on his cloak and he was reseated.
"Awwww. . ."
"Now, are we going to celebrate our birthdays or what?", asked Rachel.
"Well, I guess so. Tifa?", asked Aeris.
"Fine, fine whatever. Just lay off Cloud."
"Whatever, I already know it's you job to lay ON him anyway."
"OKAY! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!" THWACK! Aeris hit Tifa on the head to calm her down.
"Ow! What was that for?", asked Tifa as she rubbed her head.
"Calm down, remember, I'M their disciplinarian."
"But they haven't improved AT ALL."
"Violence doesn't solve anything."
"Oh, but I'll bet MINE will.", said Tifa while looking at Rachel with a demonic look, and also smacking her fist against her other hand.
"Cool it. You've been extremely aggressive ever since they got here.", said Aeris, beginning to clear off the table.
"It's true.", said Cloud, getting up. "But I'm not complaining. . .", he said with a devilish grin.
"AHEM!", coughed Tifa, pointing at Aeris who was standing nearby.
"Oh, right. . ."
"So Cloud, did I show you this?", asked Aeris cheerily, turning around to show him the picture Rachel gave her.
"Hey, pretty good! Did you do this? I didn't know you could use charcoal."
"No, Rachel did when I wasn't feeling very well.", said Aeris as she gave him a big hug. He hugged back, but when he saw Tifa glaring at him, he smiled very nervously.
"Let me see that.", said Tifa, taking the picture.
"Hmm, Aeris and Cloud. Not bad.", she said looking at it.
"Yeah, I spent some time on that. My skill with charcoal is at a beginner's level, so. . .", said Rachel. "But In also drew some pictures with you and Cloud. But in those pictures, you seem more. . .pleasant." Tifa just shot her an angry look and walked closer.

"GET TO WORK!", she yelled as she flung Rachel into the stables.
"See! That's the kind of unpleasantness I'm talking about!", Rachel yelled back. Laura was in there, feeding her own personal chocobo she named after her boyfriend in the real world, Nat.
"Hey, what was with the scene at the table?", Rachel asked as she picked up some greens to give to her black chocobo, Nightwind.
"Thought I'd just do something different."
"Well THAT was different."
"So what'd he do when I left?"
"He tried to follow."
"REALLY?!"
"Yeah, but I sat him back down."
"Awwww, why'd you do that?"
"YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND!"
"Not in this world, I don't. What if we never get back? I mean, I was a week away from graduation!"
"But isn't this more fun?", said Rachel, giving a scrunched look as she heaved then chocobo dookie into a pile with her shovel. "Well, not THIS. . ."
"I guess. But I kinda miss everyone I knew. Family, friends. . . Oh well, at least I'm not alone."
"Yeah, you would've been chewed up by that big boobed wolverine back there."
"I HEARD THAT!", yelled Tifa from outside.
"And did I mention she has good hearing?"
"Sigh. Try NOT getting on Tifa's nerves. She quite nice when you're not bothering her."
"How would YOU know?"
"One time I actually made her feel better. But if you want to live to see your next birthday, you're gonna want to NOT make her angry."
"Fine then. But did you get anything for me for my birthday?"
"Yeah, I actually found a bookstore here that has mangas."
"REALLY?! COOLNESS!", shrieked Rachel.
"Yeah, but this being a different world, they only have mangas SIMILAR to ours." She pulled out some mangas, and handed them to Rachel.
"Real Tough High School?", said Rachel, reading the titles aloud. Oh Yeah Goddess!?"
"Yeah. Parallel world, parallel mangas.", Laura shrugged.
"Weird. So what are you getting Vincent?", asked Rachel. "Are you really gonna-
"No, I'm not like THAT.", cut off Laura. "I'm probably just gonna get him a card."
"You're getting your lust object A CARD!?", said Rachel in disbelief. "Wow, how romantic, a card."
"What's wrong with a card?"
"Well, first you ram your tongue into his head, and now you just get him A CARD?!"
"Sorry, it was just an impulse."
"Yeah, impulsive. . ."
"Well, I don't see you doing anything with Cloud."
"That's because I actually have some self restraint."

"Hi Rachel."
"CLOUDY! SQUEE!", shrieked Rachel, tackling him. Laura, and even all the chocobos in the stables had sweat marks.
"GAHHH!"
"Self restraint, huh?", said Laura.
"GET OFF!"
"Oh, Cloudy. . ."
"Just when I was thinking you had SOME sanity. . ." Laura helped remove Rachel from Cloud, and he stood up and brushed himself off.
"Phew, thanks. Okay, we decided that you CAN celebrate your birthday, BUT, it will be conjoined with Vincent's birthday. Got it?"
"YAY! PARTY! LET'S PAAAAAAARRRTYYYYY!", screamed Rachel.
"Dear God, what pagan rituals have I resurfaced?"
"WOOHOO! I'll call everybody! Is there anyone I SHOULDN'T call?", asked Rachel.
"Hmmm, I can't think of any. So just call away."
"YAY!" Cloud walked out of the stables, and Rachel began dialing on her PHS. "Okay, I'll do this in alphabetical order. First is Barret."
"Hello?"
"HI BARRET!"
"SWEET JESUS! Is that Rachel?!"

"YEP!"
"Why the hell are you callin' here? Don't tell me. The others went insane and committed suicide, right?"
"Er, no. . .I'm inviting you to mine and Vincent's birthday. Are you coming?"
"WHY SHOULD I?!"
"Uh, there's uh. . . a cake?"
"WOOHOO! CAKE! I mean uh, yeah, BUT JUST 'CAUSE OF THAT YAOI VAMPIRE!"
"Yaoi? Vincent's yaoi?"
"Sure, haven't you seen all those Cid/Vincent stories?"
"Er, I'm just gonna ignore that. . .See ya' there. . .I think." She hung up, blinking rapidly with a confused look on, and just decided to call Cid next. "Hello? Cid?"
"Who the %&! is this? Mother? I already said I'd be over to rub your feet!"
"Uh. . ."
"Oh, it must be Shera. Yeah, what the %&! Do ya' want? If it was about last night, I already said-
"No, it's Rachel.", she cut off before he could reveal anything more.
"Oh. WHY THE #&$$(! ARE YOU CALLING?!"
"Er, um, it's Vincent's birthday, and it's also mine , so uh, I was wondering if you'd come. . ."
"Is smoking allowed?"
"Uh, yeah, sure."
"ALRIGHT! I'LL BRING THE BEER!"
"Um, yeah, you do that."
"HAH! SEE YOU LATER!"
"Wow. That wasn't as hard as I thought. Okay, now who's next. . . Red XIII. THAT shouldn't be hard."
"Hello?"
"Hi Red! This is Rachel. I was wondering-
"NO!"
"But I haven't even-
"NO WAY!"
"IT INVOLVES CAKE!"
"Well, okay, now I'm listening."
"Jesus, well then, Vincent and I are having a birthday party so, uh, are you coming?"
"CAKE!"
"Um, yeah. . .cake. . ."
"SEE YA'!"
"Hmm. That was ODD. Okay next is Reeve. Hello?"
"Hello.", said a rather nonchalant voice.
"Er, hi. Um, this is Rachel. There's gonna be a party. Are you coming?"
"That's hard to say. I have a busy schedule. I CAN however fit you in between my 5 o'clock meeting and my massage therapy session. Is that okay?"
"Uh, sure."
"Okay then. Good day."
"Well, he sounds perfectly BORING. I hope he doesn't drag down the party. . . Okay, last is Yuffie." She dialed, and got the answering machine. "An answering machine for her PHS? That's odd. . ."
"Hello, and welcome to Yuffie's materia hotline! I will answer all your questions and do anything to get your materia, er I mean, help you with your materia needs!" Rachel was standing there with another sweat drop. "All YOU, the consumer has to do, is send me your materia, and I will give you all you need to know about it! And remember I like powerful materia! I mean, I like answering your questions! Yeah, that's it. . ."
"YUFFIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?", yelled a loud voice in the background. Rachel's sweat drop got larger. "YOU SHOULD BE TRAINING AT THE PAGODA!"
"JESUS GODO! SHUTUP! I'M RECORDING THIS!"
"YOU DO NOT TELL YOUR FATHER TO SHUTUP!"

"Uh heh heh, that's right folks, just send that materia to Yuffie! Gotta go!"
"Well, THAT was strange. Hey Laura, go ahead and invite anyone else I forgot, and try Yuffie again later."
"GOT IT!", she saluted.

"YAY! PARTY TIME!", shouted Rachel from the Shinra mansion, where the party was held. Vincent was standing next to her, with a very annoyed and demeaned look as he wore one of those stupid looking party hats.
"WHY, AM I WEARING THIS?!", he asked.
"Because you're turning 28! You're the oldest one here! Well, without Cid, Barret, and Red. . ." Cid was dancing around drunk with a lampshade on his head, Barret was shooting things with his gun arm, Aeris was nowhere to be found, Red was sleeping on the couch, sitting next to Cloud and Tifa who were busy making out, Reeve was on his cell phone, and Yuffie was trying to steal Red's materia. DING DONG! "Who else could be here?", asked Rachel. "Laura? Who else did you invite? A stripper?"
"Now that you mention it, I wish, but maybe we could get one of them to strip. I still have Tifa's male stripper cop uniform."
"Wait. One of these guys to. . .strip?" Rachel opened the door, and Rufus and the Turks stood there. "TURKS!?! You invited the TURKS!?!"
"Uh, yeah. Got any problem?"
"SQUEE! RUFUS! RENO! YAY!", squealed Rachel, jumping both. "Too bad Tseng isn't here. . .three times the pleasure. . .sigh. . ."
"GET OFF OR I'LL SEND DARK NATION ON YOU!", threatened Rufus.
"Wait a second, aren't you supposed to be dead, like Tseng?"
"No, Scarlet and Heidegger just presumed that. I'm alive. SO GET OFF ME!"
"YEAH! OR I'LL SHOOT YOU!", threatened Reno. Elena and Rude pulled her off however, and she let them in.
"Turks? Who invited them?", asked Cloud, taking Tifa off his lap.
"Laura did. So, who's gonna be the stripper? I know! RENO!", shouted Rachel with delight. "Unless Cloudy will do it. . ." Reno began smirking at Cloud, trying to cover up his suppressed laughter of thinking of Cloud as a male stripper cop.
"I SHWARE TO DRUNK OCIFER, I'M NOT GOD!", said Cid in a slurred speech before he fell on the ground.
"Hmph. Strange. . .", said Rachel.
"I know what will make us all happy! Hey Tifa, do you have any more of these?", asked Laura.
"Uh, yeah, and how'd you know that was mine?", she said.
"Um, a good guess?", said Rachel nervously.
"But please get them.", said Laura. "I have an idea. . ."

"WOOHOO! YEAH! STRIPPER COPS ON PATROL!", squealed Laura. Vincent, Cloud, Reno, and Rufus were all in stripper cops outfits, all looking very indignant.
"Sigh. Too bad Sephy isn't alive to be here. HE COULD BE THE SHERRIFF STRIPPER COP!", said Rachel. The rest were sitting on the couch, and all the girls were grinning widely.
"WHY, again WHY, are we doing this?", asked Reno.
"Because it has been decided that the best stripper gets to end the night with Tifa."
"WHAT?! I NEVER HEARD THAT!", yelled Tifa.
"Hold on.", whispered Rachel. "They do their job, then when you leave with them, you knock em' out cold, got it?"
"Hey, that's actually a good plan."
"Thank you, thank you.", Rachel said as she bowed.
"They get Tifa! I'M IN!", yelled Reno.
"YEAH! WE'RE ALL IN!", said Rufus.
"Tifa? Hmm . . .", said Vincent. "I don't know. What would Lucretia say. . ."
"Aw, come on Vinnie! Be a sport!", said Laura. "I'll do that ear thing again. . ."
"Deal!"
"What about you Cloud?"
"Why should I? I already AM getting some."
"Yeah, but what if Reno's better than you, and Tifa goes for HIM?", whispered Rachel in his ear. He thought about it and said, "How's that possible? Better than ME?"
"It could happen."
"NO WAY! RENO'S GOING DOWN! I AM NOW THE STRIPPER GOD!", yelled Cloud.
"This'll be good. . .", said Rachel to herself. "HEY AERIS! STRIPPING COMPETITION!", she yelled into the kitchen.
"Who's competing?", she yelled back, carrying a cake to a table.
"Well, Cloud's th-"Aeris was already sitting before Rachel could finish. "Well, that was quick. Okay! We, the female panel, including our guest judge, Elena of the Turks, will be judging. ANY QUESTIONS?"
"How far can we strip until we can stop?", asked Rufus.
"Hmmm, Elena, since you're the guest judge of this panel, you decide.", said Rachel.
"Who said there's have to be a limit.", she said as she grinned at Reno.
"Oooh, I hate you. But remember, I WILL BE LEAVING HERE WITH TIFA!", he shouted.
"Alrighty then! First up is. . .", Yuffie was pulling a name out of a hat.
"Cloud, Cloud, Cloud, Cloud. . .", muttered Aeris, Tifa, and Rachel, all with their fingers crossed.
"RUFUS!"
"Darn. Oh well, I LIKE HIM, TOO!", smiled Rachel. "Ok, President Rufus, shake what yo' mama gave ya'! And notice I said your mother, we DO NOT want to see what your father gave you. Shudder . . ."
"ALL RIGHT! TIFA WILL BE MINE!", said Rufus. Tifa just scowled at the way she was being thought of as a possession. He began twirling the cop baton, howling madly as he did a small dance, and he let it move across his shirt so fast it undid the buttons.
"Ooooh. . .", went the judge panel. "WOOHOO! BEST BIRTHDAY, EVER!", squealed Rachel. He then took the still twirling baton, and it undid the belt, much like the shirt, and his pants fell to the ground, revealing purple mog underwear. He flung his pants at the judges, and they landed in Tifa's lap, and she was still scowling more than ever. But Rufus took a bow, as he was now done.
"Yay! We now know the eternal question! Rufus DOES wear briefs!", said Yuffie.
"You wondered about it?", asked Rachel.
"What?"
"Nevermind. Judges, give him your scores." Rachel gave him a 9.0, Laura gave him a 8.6, Yuffie gave him a 9.5, Aeris gave him an 8.0, Tifa gave him an 7.5, and Elena gave him an 8.9. "A 7.5?", asked Rachel. "Whatever. And our very own Laura will compute your average!"
"And Rufus Shinra's average is. . .8.6!", shouted Laura.
"HAH! Beat that!"
"Okay, Elena, it is now your turn to pick a name out of the hat." Elena stuck her hand in, and pulled out a folded piece of paper.
"Uh, Tifa, I think this is for you.", said Elena, stifling a chuckle. She handed over the paper, and it was Reno's number, and he was winking at her when she looked over.
"GRRR!"
"Okay, here's the real contestant! It is. . . Vincent Valentine!"
"Oh yay, I can hardly contain myself. . .", he mumbled.
"Oh Vinnie, in a few seconds, you won't HAVE to contain yourself!", grinned Laura.
"Oh merciful GOD!"
"OKAY! START THE MUSIC!", shouted Rachel.
"God. . .", he said as it started. "THIS IS GOING TO BE QUICK!" He pulled out his revolvers, and he started shooting bullets in all directions, even flying past the judges' heads. He even seemingly aimed shots at himself, all while doing a strip dance, and all of a sudden, he stopped. When he did, all his shots hit perfectly in the center of all the pictures on the wall, and on the wall it also had a heart with an arrow going through it, and it said in the center "Vincent Valentine" in cursive. The judge panel were absolutely amazed at this, when Laura realized, "Hey! You didn't strip!" But all of the shots aimed at him grazed at his clothes, weakening the bond, and as he stood in the pose, all the clothes fell to the ground, except for his boxers that had pink hearts on them.
"Gaaahh. . .",drooled Laura. "PERFECT TEN!"
"All right ladies! Give him your scores!", shouted Rachel. Yuffie gave him a 9.7, Rachel gave a 9.5, Laura gave him a perfect 10, Elena gave him an 8.0 because a bullet came a little too close for comfort for her, Aeris gave him a 9.0, and Tifa gave him a surprising 8.9.
"And your average IS. . . 9.2!"
"HAH! Wait, I did well? I didn't even want to do this!"
"Well, what can I say Vinnie, you were born to be a male stripper cop!", said Laura.
"OKAY! IT IS LAURA'S TURN TO PICK A NAME!", said Rachel. Laura stuck her hand in, and pulled out a name.
"Cloud Strife!"
"SSQQQQUUUUUEEEEEEEEE!", squealed three of the judges in unison, all being Aeris, Tifa, and Rachel.
"OKAY! START!" Cloud immediately whipped out his Buster sword, and it began whirling all around him as he did a strip dance. In streaks of silver, it would make patterns in the air, and sometimes writing out names, and he even winked a little at the judge panel, upon which Rachel promptly fainted. Suddenly, he began twirling the sword closer to himself, then he stopped. Then, almost out of nowhere, his shirt and undershirt burst into shreds, leaving him shirtless, upon which Aeris stood gaping as his muscles, and when Rachel had reawakened, she almost fainted again.
"And for my finishing move!", he announced. His hand dug into his pants, and he pulled out his chocobo boxers, not torn or anything.
"WHOA!", said Rachel before she fainted again. Yuffie awarded him a 9.6, Elena gave him a 9.0 Aeris gave him a 10, Tifa gave him a 10, when Rachel had woken up again, she gave him a 10, and Laura gave him an 8.0.
"And the average is. . .9.4!"
"YEEESSS! BOW DOWN TO CLOUD! STRIPPER GOD!", he yelled at Reno, obviously going last. The guys who were watching this however were trying to divert themselves, and you could see Barret puking into a barf bag.
"Oh, I forgot about them. . . OH WELL! AND LAST UP IS RENO!"
"YEAH! LADIES, PREPARE TO BE AMAZED!", he shouted.
"What, that you're a woman? I already knew that.", joked Cloud. Elena was cracking up.
"YOU ARE GOING DOWN, PRETTY BOY!", he yelled. "START THE MUSIC!" He began doing your classic striping dance, taunting the judges with whatever he's got, and he pulled out his gun. His gun began to spin, and he blew off his bandanna with it, letting his hair free, and he began shooting at it, tearing it to shreds, and leaving something of a pattern, on it, then he like Vincent shot off his clothing, leaving only his undies. "HUZZAH!" He picked up the remains of his bandanna, and the look of those paper doll things were left in them.
"Actually, that wasn't bad.", said Elena. "At least he didn't take off his underwear."
"Would that bolster my score?", he asked eagerly.
"DEAR JESUS, KEEP THEM ON, YA' PERVE!", yelled Cloud.
"LADIES! YOUR SCORES PLEASE!", yelled Rachel. Rachel gave him an 8.9, Laura gave him a surprising 9.0, just because he was a Turk, Aeris gave him an 8.4, Yuffie gave him a 9.0, Tifa gave him an 7.8, just for him giving her his number, and Elena actually gave him an 8.0
"And the average is. . .8.5!"
"DARN IT!", he yelled.
"HAHA! I AM GOD!", yelled Cloud.
"Aaawwww, and I always thought so Cloudy!", said Rachel after she jumped over the table and hugged his bare chest, upon which the others were eyeing angrily.
"Don't worry Vinnie, you came second!", said Laura.
"Darn. I publicly embarrass myself for noth- gaahhhhhhhh. . ." Laura stuck her tongue in his ear again.
"DOWN LAURA! DOWN!", yelled Rachel, pulling her away. "OKAY! TIME FOR PRESENTS!", yelled Rachel.
"Okay Rachel, this one is from Vincent.", said Laura.
"Oooh, Vincent's present! I gave him a good present, too!", said Rachel as she tore through the paper maliciously. "And it is . . . a choker and spike bracelets? Cool!" He just smiled and waved back, putting his cloak back on. "Okay, Yuffie's present. . . OOH! Summon Materia! What kind is it?"
"Hold on!", she yelled. "Don't use it!" It began glowing. "Oh, spuds."
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" All of a sudden, Tifa was hit with a massive blast of energy.
"It's Typhoon. . .", said Yuffie once it was done.
"COOL! AND IT EVEN HIT WHAT I WANTED!", Rachel exclaimed. Tifa just glared angrily at her, patching up her wounds. "Okay, this is Cid's. . . Beer and porno?" Cid was just unconscious, still recovering from a hangover. "Uh, yeah, I'll uh. . .yeah. Okay, this is Aeris'! It is. . . hey, how did you know I liked manga?"
"Uh, you DRAW manga?", said Aeris.
"Ohhhhhh yeahhhhhhh. COOL! What is it. . .Ranma ΒΌ?"
"YEP!"
"Hmmm, well then. . . Okay, Red's present! An Indian dagger? Eh, good enough. Okay, how about Tifa's present!? What's this? A shock collar?" Tifa looked back with an evil grin and a remote. "Eeeeee. . . Um, I'll just move on to Reeve's gift." It was extremely small, and when she opened it, it was a key. "A key?" It also had an electronic keypad.
"Press that button.", said Reeve, pointing to a blue one. A beep was heard, and an engine was heard out front. They all walked outside, and a Porsche was sitting there. "COOLNESS! YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE BEST!", said Rachel as she issued him a hug. "Now, I only have one more present, unless the Turks brought me something. . ."
"Here. This is from all of us.", said Elena as she handed over a gun with a note saying, "In case you ever get angry at Cloud, or for any occasion with him for that matter."
"Uhhh, okay. . .thanks. But what did YOU get me Cloudy?", asked Rachel. He handed over a container, a long box, and a picture frame. "Hmmm, sword shine. OOH! A SIGNED PICTURE OF YOU SHIRTLESS! COOLNESS! And what's in the box?" She hastily unwrapped it, and she pulled out a long katana, with a leather hilt, and a tassel at the end of it. "SQUEE! THANK YOU CLOUDY! I LOVE IT!"
"WAIT! Before you tackle me, look at the hilt." There was something engraved on it. It said, "To Rachel: Happy Birthday! But please, don't tackle me, lest you incur the wrath of Tifa."
"Awwww, shoot."
"GLADLY!", said Vincent.
"NO! Hold on! I got you a present!", said Rachel. "But please, don't shoot! Come on, your present is inside."
"Fine. . ." They all walked back inside, and gave Vincent his presents, and keeping Cid who was still sobering up away from the cake. From Rachel, Vincent received a new gun, Cid also gave him a shotgun and porno, Tifa gave him a black rose, Aeris gave him a new cloak, Reeve TRIED to give him a new place to stay, but Vincent insisted he stayed here at the Shinra mansion, Rufus and the Turks offered him his former position, but instead they offered to search for Lucretia, Yuffie gave him the materia "Odin", Red gave him a book on the Lifestream, and he was now awaiting Laura's gift.
"OKAY VINNIE! IT'S MY PRESENT NOW!", she chimed.
"Oh boy, oh boy. How excited am I?", he said in a droll monotone.
"YOU'LL LOVE IT! IT'S A NOTE FROM LUCRETIA!"
"WHAT!? DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE IS, CHILD!?"
"I AM NOT A CHILD! And no, I found this in a book in the library downstairs."
"Downstairs? You aren't strong enough to get past that Yin and Yang monster downstairs by yourself yet! But let me see the note!" He read the note aloud and it said,

"Vincent dear, I've gone out to get some pizza. Please keep Professor Hojo company while I am gone. And I'm sure he's just kidding when he says he wants to genetically alter you and make me the surrogate mother of an experimentation to breed an Ancient with Jenova cells. Be back with pizza!

Lucretia"

"PIZZA!? SHE LEFT FOR PIZZA!?", cried Vincent. He just went to sobbing in the corner.
"Oh, dear. . . I don't think he liked your present. . .", said Rachel.