Chapter 15: God Save the Princess

A/N: Okeedokee, time for the next damned chapter in this pitiful series...FF7 is owned by Squaresoft, and Laura is owned by LadyTifa26! Does that mean there are 26 LadyTifas? Meh!

"Yuffie!"

"Yes master?" Godo had summoned Yuffie to the court in front of his throne in Wutai. Cushy.

"Yuffie, have you no idea what today is?", he asked.

"Well SIRE, if I had any guess, it would be my birthday."

"Wait, WHAT?! I was just asking whether it was Thursday or not! I mean, of COURSE it's your birthday! I wasn't out harassing the small, impressionable children!"

"Admit it. You LOVE jumping out of the bushes and scaring them, don't you?"

"But it's so much FUN!"

"But you didn't remember your own daughter's birthday!", scolded Yuffie.

"Um, that's not all. . ."

"Now what?"

"Um, how old are you?"

"AAAGGGGHHHHH!"

"Oh Cloudy, of COURSE I'll marry you!", mumbled Rachel in her dreamlike state. "And we'll live happily ever after, and after, and after. . .zzz. . ."

"WAKE UP!", yelled Tifa in her ear.

"OUCH! HEY! NOT SO LOUD!", screamed Rachel after recoiling from the shock.

"That's the only way to wake you up! We're going to Wutai!"

"Wutai? Can I have a ninjinata?"

"No."

"Shurikens?"

"No."

"Poison tipped daggers?"

"If you're going to stab yourself with them."

"Hmmph! Fine, I'll move. . ."

"Hee hee, oh Vinnie. . .", said Laura in the same dreamlike state. "You know that tickles. . .hee hee. . .zzz. . ."

"Oh sweet Jesus. . .", said Cloud, walking into her room. "WAKE UP!"

Laura didn't move.

Cloud shook her rapidly. "WAKE UP!"

She still didn't move.

"Sigh. . . Vincent's here."

"OOH! WHERE?!", she said, whipping her head around to see.

"Next door, now move it! We're going to Wutai!"

"That's everybody.", said Yuffie, hanging up her PHS. "But Godo, after forgetting MY birthday, what's so special about, my seventeenth birthday?"

"A girl's seventeenth birthday is special, in the traditions of our ancestors.", he said. "The princess of Wutai receives a special celebration!" Yuffie was squirming around in her silky red dress, putting on high heels.

"I thought it was the sixteenth birthday."

"Um, well maybe I forgot about that, too. . ."

"AGH!"

"Everybody got her a present?", asked Vincent, dressed in a tux.

"YEP!", said Laura, in an elegant green dress made of satin.

"Ready.", said Tifa in black dress.

"Ditto!", said Aeris in a pink dress.

"Pretty sure.", said Cloud in another tux.

"Got it!", said Rachel in a blue silk Chinese dress.

"I remembered.", said Lucrecia in a purple dress.

"Then let's go!" The Highwind arrived to pick them up, and when they entered, Red XIII was in there wearing the top of a suit.

"Um, Red?", asked Rachel.

"What?"

"How in hell did you button that shirt?"

"It took me an HOUR. AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE CUFF LINKS!"

"Shut up, and sit your ass down!", yelled Cid in a tux.

"Nice to see you.", said Shera.

"Hello.", said Reeve, already and always in a suit, with the robotic Cait Sith wearing a little red bow tie.

"I am NOT on speaking terms with YOU, Mr. Moneybags.", said Rachel.

"IT WAS HALLOWEEN!", he said.

"LALALALALALA! NOT LISTENING!"

"Shut up, or I'll shoot ya', fool!", threatened Barret.

"Whatever you say, Mr. T"

"WHAT?!" RATATATATAT! Barret shot off his arm.

"AAAAHHH!!"

"And since when was I ever considered a princess?!", asked Yuffie, walking with her father to the ballroom.

"Since you were BORN, duh. I AM the ruler of Wutai, making YOU the princess."

"And let's see here, I'm a thief, a liar, a trickster, and STILL even though I'm a princess, I do these things, even though I'm supposed to be swimming in it?"

"MY MONEY!"

"Aw, fine. . ."

"WE'RE HERE!", announced Cid.

"That was only a few seconds!", said Rachel.

"Yeah, but Rachel," said Laura. "in the game, you could circle like, the entire world four times in like, five minutes."

"Good point."

Yuffie was found standing quietly under a blooming cherry blossom tree, very unlike her. . .

"Hey Yuffie. What's up?", asked Tifa as they walked up. "And er, what's up with the dress?" Yuffie was wearing a red silk dress with transparent sleeves and a slit for the legs that moved high up the thigh.

"Don't ask. Godo forgot my birthday. . .", said Yuffie.

"But he's planning something big, right? He IS the ruler of Wutai. . ."

"We'll see. . . Come on, the party's inside." She led them to a huge pagoda on the other side of Wutai, and as soon as they all walked in the door, a gong began banging.

"Welcome honored guests!", shouted a man from the top of some steps where a throne was. "We are here to celebrate the seventeenth birthday of Princess Yuffie Kisaragi of Wutai! Bow before her and her father, Godo Kisaragi!"

Godo stepped out in a heavy robe with a solemn look on his face, and walked up to Yuffie.

"Yuffie! The ancestors have passed down sacred traditions that are followed even today. And today, is the day we continue another one of those sacred traditions!"

"And er, Godo?", asked Yuffie. "What would THAT be?"

"OH MY GOD! YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS!", screeched Yuffie. "That can NOT be one of our traditions!" The others were standing there with eyes as large as dinner plates.

"Yuffie, in the days of our ancestors-

"YEAH, OUR ANCESTORS!", cut in Yuffie.

"AHEM! In the days of our ancestors, it was necessary to continue the family line, and MARRY by the time they are seventeen!"

"EEW! NO WAY! I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED!", she screamed.

"TOO BAD! IT IS TRADITION AND THE WAY OF OUR ANCESTORS! I WAS MARRIED WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN!"

"AND I FEEL SORRY FOR MOM! EEW!"

"I LOVED YOUR MOTHER!"

"BUT SIXTEEN!? EEW!"

"Um, are we supposed to be here?", asked Laura, beginning to sweat.

"Of course!", said Godo. "You are the wedding guests!"

"There is no wedding!", cried Yuffie. "I'M GOING TO MY HOUSE! SEE YA'!", she said, jumping to the ceiling and disappearing.

"Hmm, I THOUGHT it was a bad idea to teach her the way of the ninja."

"Eew! Married?", asked Yuffie to herself back at her house in front of the TV, changed back in her usual clothes. "He's nuts." She turned on her CF2 (Cool Facility 2. Bad parody, huh?) and began playing a game.

"Yuffie?" Aeris walked in, to see if she was okay.

"Oh, hey Aeris.", said Yuffie dully. "Did Godo send you?"

"No, he's sending out for guys who want to marry you."

"Oh, PLEASE. I'm not going through with it. Marry a guy I haven't even dated? Icky."

"I know. Weird tradition. How about you just get a divorce the next day? I mean, you wouldn't even have to go through the honeymoon if you didn't want to."

"Well, THERE'S an idea. . . But I'd rather not go through it at all."

"Yeah, but I brought somebody who might be able to persuade you. . ." Aeris stepped aside and a servant girl stood there.

"Eww!", said Rachel. "Not at seventeen!"

"Oh I dunno. . .", said Laura. "I wouldn't mind getting married to Vinnie at age seventeen. . ."

"You ARE seventeen, dip."

"DUH!"

"DON'T GET ANY IDEAS!", said Vincent.

"Oh, but I've got PLENTY. . .", said Laura with a smile.

"EEW!"

"Kalana? What are you doing here?", asked Yuffie. Kalana was apparently a friend of hers and was a servant in the palace of Godo's.

"Miss Yuffie, please, just listen to Godo.", said Kalana. "I know it's strange, but Miss Aeris has a point. I may only be a servant, but you don't know how much it means to Master Godo."

"Bite me."

"Please Miss Yuffie!"

"Kalana, I DON'T like to argue with you!", said Yuffie. "You're the only friend I have in all of Wutai!"

"That's because you stole materia from everybody else.", said Kalana with a bead of sweat.

"EXACTLY! And so just drop it!"

"Aw, come on Yuffie!", said Lucrecia. "It couldn't be that bad! Just get a divorce!"

"I'm not gonna.", said Yuffie, burying her head in a pillow.

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Kiss my ass."

"Puh-LEEZ?!"

"FINE!", said Yuffie.

"AND NOW ANNOUNCING, PRINCESS YUFFIE!", called the crier in the throne room.

"Ah, Yuffie! I knew you would have a change of heart!", said Godo.

"Let's see what you got.", sighed Yuffie. "This BETTER be good. . ."

"BRING OUT THE SUITORS!", shouted Godo. After everybody was seated, men began filing in, all with roses.

"OOH! BACHELOR NUMBER 3!", cried Rachel. "THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE SEPHIROTH! YEAH, YOU!"

"Calm down Rachel!", said Laura. "These guys aren't here for you." Rachel began to sob a little.

"See Miss Yuffie?", asked Kalana. "It's not that bad."

"It hasn't even begun. . .", said Yuffie. Yuffie and the others stood up as ordered by Godo and inspected the suitors, looking carefully.

"OOH! CAN I HAVE HIM?!", asked Rachel, grabbing on to a guy that looked like a blond Sephiroth with Cloud's eyes. "I PROMISE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM!"

"WE ARE NOT SHOPPING FOR PETS!", yelled Tifa. "MOVE!"

They all walked back up the stairs to their seats, and Yuffie told Godo the ones who should remain. Only seven were left out of the forty-five men.

"BREAK!", called Godo. "What do you think?", he asked once the men left.

"I don't know why I'm going through with this.", said Yuffie. "Godo, just leave. I'd feel better with my decision if you weren't here."

"ALREADY THINKING LIKE A LEADER! SHE TRULY IS MY DAUGHTER!", he said, then left.

"What a loony.", she said, twirling her finger next to her head.

"What do you think?", asked Cloud.

"Well Cloud, LEAVE! YOU TOO VINCENT! BARRET! CID! RED!", ordered Yuffie.

"Why?"

"I'm picking a guy. I doubt you'd feel comfortable."

"But it's a party!"

"GO!"

"But-!"

"Princess Yuffie, is this man giving you any trouble?", asked a guard.

"Take him away.", she ordered with an evil smile.

"OOH, I HATE you. . .", he said, while being dragged away.

"And what about you?", asked Yuffie to the other guys, who promptly left after her threat. "Good."

"So, Yuffie?", asked Tifa. "What do you think?"

"I think I'm gonna die.", she said. "I just have to remember to get a divorce, and I think I'll live through the day. Kalana, why are you supporting my father's wishes? Normally you hate him as much as I do."

"I have an idea.", she said. "And it doesn't involve you having to get married."

"I'm listening. . .", said Yuffie, leaning closer. Kalana began whispering her idea to her.

"And?", asked Rachel. "AND?!"

"Can't work.", said Yuffie. "Godo would know."

"Oh well then. . .", sighed Kalana. "Guess you're screwed."

"Should I think of something?", asked Lucrecia.

"Or should ?", asked Shera.

"No, it doesn't matter. Let's just stick to Aeris' plan."

"BRING THEM BACK IN!", ordered Godo once the consultation was over.

The set looked just like a dating game, where the bachelors were sitting behind a screen so Yuffie wouldn't know which bachelor was which.

"Okay!", said Yuffie. "If you were on a desert island and could only have one thing, what would it be? Bachelor number 6?"

"I would bring you of course.", he said in a suave voice.

"Ooh, I like him. . .", said Rachel.

"Shut up.", said Red.

"Okay, and how about you bachelor number 4?"

"Water, duh. You can't live without that."

"Bachelor number 3?"

"A TV, hands down."

"But you realize there wouldn't be any electrical outlets, right?"

"Oh. . ."

"What do you think?", asked Yuffie. She was allowed to talk to them for consultation.

"Don't pick the last one.", said Aeris. "He sounds like a moron. But the first one sounds romantic and the other one sounds smart. Ask the others more questions."

"What kind of question?", asked Yuffie. Rachel was hastily writing down a message on a piece of paper and held it up for Yuffie like a cue card.

"Okay. . . BACHELOR NUMBER ONE! BOXERS OR BRIEFS!?!"

"DIH!" The others had collapsed.

"What?", asked Rachel.

"You're such a moron. . .", said Laura.

"Umm. . .", said bachelor 1. "Briefs."

"OKAY! Bachelor number 2, boxers of briefs?"

"Boxers."

"And how about you number 6?"

"Why don't you come over here and see?", he said in a similar tone.

"Oooh, now I REALLY like him. . .", said Rachel.

"DECISION TIME!", announced Godo. "WHO WILL BE YOUR HUSBAND!?"

"Sigh. . .", said Yuffie. "You might as well spin me around blindfolded and have me point to one. Bachelor number six I guess. . ." The blind went up, and it was the blond Sephiroth clone with bright blue eyes. Rachel was crying.

"I KNEW HE WAS TOO PERFECT! WAH!"

"Are you ready, Yuffie?", asked Kalana, standing next to Yuffie in a corridor of the palace, walking to the throne room where Yuffie would be married.

"God, shoot me. . ."

"Heh, I'll take that as a yes.", said Kalana. "Just remember Miss Yuffie, I'm backing you up."

"Kalana?"

"Yes?"

"Stop calling me Miss Yuffie. Just Yuffie. Got it?"

"Yes, er, Yuffie."

"And Kalana?"

"Yes?"

"If God doesn't smite me down before I'm married, do it yourself, okay?"

"Yes Yuffie.", she laughed. "But here, I still have something to say. . ."

"We are gathered here today, to wed Yuffie Kisaragi and Takeshi Inoue. . ." Yuffie and the other guy were still actually wearing their normal clothes and strangely, Yuffie had a smile on, and Kalana was almost laughing. Rachel and Laura were next to her, and noticed this.

"Uh, Kalana, what's up?", asked Rachel. Kalana saw her laughing was noticeable, and stopped immediately.

"YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE!" Surprisingly, Yuffie and Takeshi had no awkwardness in kissing.

The reception was short, because it was such short notice, and before Yuffie left, Rachel asked what was going on.

"Yuffie, what's going on? And you too Kalana, what's up?"

"I'M NOT YUFFIE!"

"AND I'M NOT KALANA!"

"What?"

"WE SWITCHED!", they both said, taking off wigs.

"WHAT?!", everybody yelled.

"We had this planned from the beginning.", said Yuffie, the real one. "Her boyfriend was in the line-up, and all I had to do was keep picking him."

"And what about the screen? You weren't able to see him!", said Tifa.

"But Kalana could.", said Yuffie. "All she did was signal me what number to pick."

"And now we're married!", said Kalana. "Both of us were too poor to get married, so this worked out well!"

"Where are you going for the honeymoon?"

"Costa Del Sol. As if it matters though, you never spend much time outside of the bed. . ."

"God, I don't need anymore images. . .", mumbled Rachel.

Kalana departed in the limo, and after most had left, Rachel was crying.

"Hey, what's up?", asked Laura.

"NOOOO!", cried Rachel.

"What? No what?"

"SEPHY AND CLOUD CLONE! WAAAHHHHH!"