Chapter 16: Thanksgiving Theatrics
AN3: YAY! Twentieth technical chapter! Honestly, I didn't think this fic would be popular enough to last this long.
Aeris: How long did you think it would last?
AN3: Somewhere between the first chapter, I thought people would think it was complete. . .dookie.
Rachel: Love that word.
AN3: Of course. YOU ARE ME! But anyway, THANKSGIVING! WOOHOO!
Tifa: And you can only guess who is doing the cooking. . .
AN3: If you're suggesting you are, nope. THAT IS WHY THIS THANKSGIVING IS GONNA BE INTERESTING! NOBODY CAN COOK!
Cloud: Oh sweet Jesus. . .
Cid: And what about us? The secondary characters. THE &(! SECONDARY CHARACTERS! I WASN'T MEANT TO BE A &! SECONDARY CHARACTER! I'M CALLING MY AGENT! pulls out PHS
AN3: Um, well, being a mere secondary character, not much will happen. But as for the credits. . .takes out hat fishes around OKAY! WHO HAVE WE HERE!? RED! DO THE CREDITS!
Red: I never get enough lines in this stupid story anyway. Okay, Laura is in the image of LadyTifa26, and Squaresoft owns all FF7 characters, like myself. Happy?
AN3: VERY! Um, Cid? Where are you going?
Cid: NEXT DOOR! I HEAR THEY HAVE A (#! ROLE FOR A GUY NAMED CID!
next door at the set of FF8
Director: And this is the scene where Squall swoops down in that Galbadian rocket thingy, and saves the dangling Rinoa from her death!
Cid: AND WHERE THE HELL IS MY &! PART?!
Director: Er, well Cid, we DO have a part for you, but you don't make much of an appearance after this. . .
Cid: AW $&! YOU! NOBODY EVER LOVED CID! breaks down
AN3: sweat drop
"Turkey? Check. Stuffing? Check. Pumpkin pie filling? Check. . ." Rachel, Tifa, and Laura were standing around in the kitchen, going over the checklist. Tifa was going to be away at Choco Billy's chocobo ranch, to learn the latest techniques on chocobo care.
"And that's it!", announced Tifa. "I'll be off! But remember, I'll be back for dinner on Thanksgiving. Got it?"
"Got it!", said Laura cheerfully, giving her the thumbs-up sign.
Tifa departed for the ranch, leaving Rachel, Aeris, Laura, Vincent, and Cloud to do their own Thanksgiving dinner.
"Let's assign roles!", said Rachel. "Laura and I have the turkey, stuffing, and gravy, Aeris is taking care of some of the baking, such as, well, I dunno, maybe a kind of bread or something. . ., the yams, and any other vegetable, and Cloud and Vincent do hmm. . . How about a few pumpkin pies?"
"Fine with me.", said Aeris.
"Men don't cook.", said Cloud proudly.
"And sexists get their asses kicked. GET BAKING OR DIE!", screamed Rachel.
"Yes ma'am. . .", cowered Cloud.
"Let's see. . .", said Rachel, looking at the recipe. "Thaw for twenty-four hours." She looked over at the thawed turkey. "Okay. . . Rub on butter excessively if you wish." She looked up from the recipe, with a strange look on her face. "Okay. . ." She picked up the butter and began rubbing it on her arms. "I don't know how the hell this will help cook the turkey, but if it says so. . ." She looked at the next instruction. "Insert hands and take out giblets. What the hell are giblets?" She referred to a dictionary and brought it to the kitchen, flipping through its pages. "Ah! Here it is! Uh, huh. . . EEW! NO WAY!", she shrieked. But she wanted the Thanksgiving dinner to be perfect, so against her will, she slowly stuck her hand in the turkey's bum, giving a look of pure disgust.
"Rachel?", asked Laura, walking into the kitchen. "Why are you covered in butter, sticking your hand up a turkey's ass?"
"It said so!"
"Oh, I thought this is how you get your kicks. . .", said Laura. "That turkey's giblets are already taken out."
"Gravy then!" Rachel tugged at her arm, but her hand was stuck. "Uh oh."
"What do you mean 'uh oh'!?"
"My hand's stuck."
"Oh shiitake. . ."
"Candied yams? Why not. . .", said Aeris, taking out a pan for it. "Why in God's name would anybody eat yams covered in marshmallows? Oh well, they asked for it. Hey, Cloud, how are you doing?" Aeris looked at Cloud, and almost did a double-take. When she looked up, Cloud was wearing a pink apron. "OH MY GOD! THIS IS TOO PRICELESS!", she shouted, bursting out laughing.
"Shut up. I thought you liked me. . .", he groaned.
"BUT THIS IS TOO FUNNY!" She was own the ground, howling.
"HE got off easy. . ." Vincent walked in, also in a pink apron, but he had a ridiculous chef's hat on, and his hair was tied back in one of Aeris' ribbons.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!", laughed Aeris. "But why are you wearing that stuff?!", she asked, wiping tears from her eyes.
"Rachel made us.", said Vincent. "And my hair has to be back so no hair lands in the food." Aeris pulled out a camera and took a picture.
"Turkey, $25. Stuffing, $5. A picture of you dressed like a girl, priceless!"
"And PULL!", said Laura, pulling Rachel's torso, who was also trying to pull out her arm from the turkey's butt. "ARE YOU SURE YOU BUTTERED YOUR ARMS?!"
"IT FEELS WEIRD! GIMME THE SPATULA!" Rachel dug in the spatula as well as she could, and used it for leverage while she pulled her hand out. "IT'S WORKING! Oops." With all the pressure on the turkey, her hand was free, but the twenty pound turkey shot across the kitchen, hitting the wall.
"You are the world's stupidest being, you know that?", said Laura. "Let's clean it up. . ."
"Oh that was too great. . .", said Aeris, picking herself off of the floor.
"Shut up. . ."
"You DO know how to bake a pie, right?"
"We know, don't we Vince?"
"Um, well. . .", said Vincent. "I don't think I've ever cooked a single thing in my entire life. Who here knows?" Lucrecia all of a sudden walked through the door, yawning.
"What's up?"
"Now, insert the stuffing.", said Rachel. Laura was looking inside the turkey's rear, and stuck out her tongue.
"In there? I WILL NOT BEFOUL MY HANDS WITH TURKEY INNARDS!", she declared.
"You said it yourself, there are no giblets. STICK IN YOUR FRIGGIN' HAND!"
"Grrr. . ."
"Good! Lucrecia!", said Aeris. "Help the culinary impaired here how to cook."
"Grr. . .", mumbled Cloud.
"Cook? I can try. . .", said Lucrecia. "But it's not something I'm particularly skilled at."
"What DO you do?"
"Mainly chemistry. Is that any help?"
"Just think of it like this. Cooking is like chemistry. You take different things, to create a different substance through synthesis.", explained Aeris. Cloud just looked around and pretended to understand.
"Okay. . ."
"NOW! HELP THEM!"
"Look at it a different way, that looks pretty. . .interesting.", said Rachel, holding the stuffing while Laura's arm was sticking it all in.
"Shut up. You're the perv."
"And since when was I ever the perv?"
"The 'anatomy class'."
"I SWEAR! IT WAS A CLASS!"
"Just shut up. Okay, it's all in."
"Now what do we do?"
"Sow it shut."
"SOW A TURKEY'S BUM SHUT!? WHAT IS THIS HOLIDAY REALLY ABOUT NOW?!"
"Start sowing. I'm going to work on the gravy."
"Lalalalala. . . Why the hell am I baking bread for Thanksgiving?", asked Aeris to herself as she checked up on it. "WAUGH!" Apparently, she added too much yeast, and when she opened the oven door, it looked inflated and was poking out. "GIANT BREAD! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!", she cried while running.
"Bread? Where? AGH!", cried Cloud, the bread rising so fast that it rolled out and squashed him.
"DIE EVIL FOOD PRODUCT!" Vincent began shooting it up with bullets. BLAM! The thing was like a balloon, so upon impact, it exploded.
"What was that giant explosion?", asked Rachel, the house shaking from the blast. Being in a different kitchen, namely Tifa's, they weren't next door in Cloud's kitchen to witness what happened.
"I dunno. Why is there bread dough falling from the sky? And why is there a hole in Cloud's roof?"
"Ouch.", coughed Lucrecia, sputtering out smoke.
"How much yeast did you put in that anyway?", asked Vincent.
"3 tablespoons.", said Aeris, removing the dough off of Cloud, unconscious on the floor.
"This say tsp. The abbreviation for tablespoon is tbs., not tsp.", noted Lucrecia.
"Oh. . .oops."
"Okay, the turkey as well as I am buttered, it's giblets are removed, the stuffing is in, and it's butt is sown up. Do we have to do anything else to it?", asked Rachel.
"Cook it. Then eat it. Got it?"
"Ummm. . .yeah. . ."
"GOODO! Now, help me shove it into the oven." They slowly slid it in, set the timer, and stood there.
"Now what?"
"I think we have everything under control here, Lucrecia. Go next door and see if they burned down anything else."
"Gotcha."
"Vince?", asked Cloud. "Tell me one thing."
"What?"
"WHY ARE WE STILL WEARING THIS STUFF?!"
"Shut up and pass the can of pumpkin filling. The faster this is done, the sooner we take off this God awful clothing."
"Here." Vincent scooped out the contents.
"Um, dude?"
"What?"
"THERE IS NO CRUST IN THERE YET!"
"Oops."
"Hello?" Lucrecia walked in, and tried to find somebody. The turkey was roasting neatly in the oven, and everything looked fine, but there was no sign of Laura or Rachel.
Until she SAW.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"
"GAH!" Rachel was tearing through Tifa's room as if she were looking for something, and Laura was going through her bureau. "ARE YOU TWO SICKOS?!" Laura had a bra in her left hand, did a double-take when she realized what she was holding, then dropped it and gave a nervous smile.
"Now that that is fixed. . .", said Cloud, cleaning out the pie tin. "we put in the crust. Didn't we buy any?"
"Buy? I don't think so. . . Here." Vincent took out the rolling pin, and handed it to Cloud.
"Dude, what the hell is this? If this is some sex toy-
"GOD HAVE MERCY NO!", cried Vincent, grasping the sides of his head in pain. "DO YOU LEAN THAT WAY?!"
"EEEWW! NO! I WAS ABOUT TO SAY-
"Are you two yelling in here about homosexuality?", asked Aeris, giving them strange looks from across the kitchen.
"Hey Aeris, I'll show you I'm not gay.", said Cloud, flashing a smile and leaning on the counter.
"Vincent, hand me that please.", asked Aeris. CRACK! Aeris took the rolling pin and hit Cloud over the head with it. "Sicko." She strolled away.
"Now, EXPLAIN the obsessive rummaging through a woman's room.", said Lucrecia.
"Well, I was proving I'm NOT a pervert.", said Rachel, raising her hand to speak.
"By going through somebody else's room? That makes no sense."
"What I was proving is that I could stand to be in quite possibly the most porn infested room, and not crack."
"But you were going through things."
"Maybe. . .", said Rachel, shifting her eyes back and forth.
"And what about you?", she asked to Laura.
"I was seeing if she could do it."
"And why were you going through Tifa's things?"
"E-BAY!", said Laura in a loud shout. "Do you know how well this would sell?", she asked Lucrecia, holding up Mr. Warkster.
"Mr. Warkster!", exclaimed Rachel, before grabbing it and squeezing it hard enough to make its eyes bug out.
"A stuffed chocobo? What about the other stuff?"
"I had to get through it all to find it. Tifa knew Rachel wouldn't go through it."
"And you did?" Laura raised hands with rubber gloves on.
"GLOVES!"
"AND YOU WERE GOING TO SELL HER THINGS?!"
"Maybe. . ."
"Freaks. . .", declared Lucrecia, shaking her head.
"Ouch. . .", said Cloud, putting on some gauze on his head to stem the bleeding where Aeris hit him. "Jesus Aeris! You never had THIS much attack power!"
"Tifa taught me how.", said Aeris, handing him the antiseptic. "Now hold still, sicko."
"I AM NOT GAY!"
"BUT YOU ARE A PERV! GOOD ENOUGH!", said Aeris strongly.
"Wow, aren't you two the perfect couple.", said Vincent, sitting on a stool next to the counter, twirling his guns and fastening them in their holsters.
"Shut up.", said Aeris.
"Of all people, I thought you would agree!", said Cloud.
"Shut up and keep an eye on what you're cooking. Look." She pointed a finger to the oven, and it was beginning to smoke.
"AAAAHHH!"
Lucrecia was taking care of the gravy, while Laura was taking care of the cranberries, and Rachel was just twiddling her fingers in front of her face to keep her entertained.
"Hey, can't you help?", asked Laura.
"Mmph. . .", mumbled Rachel.
"Move your ass.", said Lucrecia.
"Zzz. . ."
"What?" Rachel all of a sudden fell asleep sitting up.
"What's up with her?", asked Lucrecia.
"Rachel? Rachel?", said Laura, shaking her back and forth. Rachel had this almost wasted look on her face, and a strange smile, even though she was asleep. "Huh? Mmmph. . .zzz. . ." Laura fell asleep, too.
"Laura? What's going on?" Lucrecia could smell something. Her eyes widened, and she looked at the turkey, which for some reason wasn't cooking.
"Oh shit."
"Oh Cloud, how appetizing.", said Aeris, looking at the jet black char that was the pumpkin pie.
"Quiet you. You've been PMS-ing or something.", said Cloud.
"You're IMS-ing.", retorted Aeris.
"What?"
"Irritable male syndrome.", said Vincent. "PMS for men."
"YOU TAKE IT BACK!", yelled Cloud.
"Nope.", said Aeris, walking away, with a small, suppressed smile, but she slumped down on a stool.
"TAKE IT BACK!"
"No way. You've changed, Cloud."
"Changed?! How have I changed!? I'm still young! Virile! I'm still sex god!"
"No, you CHANGED. . .", said Aeris, putting a finger close to his face. "And whether you like it or not, that's what happened."
"So does that mean you don't want a piece of this?", he asked in a cracking voice, like his ego was popped.
"Maybe. . ." She walked off.
"WHAT'S HER PROBLEM?!"
"Gas.", said Lucrecia, who turned off the oven and gas, and woke up Laura and Rachel.
"Ha, ha. You have gas. . .", said Rachel, still in a state of delirium. "Why is the room spinning? I'd like to get off."
"Gass. . .", said Laura with a trailing lisp. "Noodles. . .", she said all of a sudden. "What a fffunnnyy wooord. WORD OF THE GODSSSS!"
"Let's try this again.", said Aeris, putting a pie in the oven. "Now, SET THE TIMER! First major folly of the male gender. THEY DO NOT LIKED TO BE TIMED."
"I don't need a timer.", said Cloud selfishly. "And I don't need a girl making fun of me."
"No Cloud, you DO need a timer, and what you believe you need, is having a girl in your pants all the time.", said Aeris.
"Psst!", hissed Vincent. "I think she's dissing you man!", he whispered. Cloud looked at him.
"No duh dude. Why are you like this all of a sudden. Wait. DID RACHEL SAY ANYTHING?!"
"What?", asked Aeris.
"I KNEW IT! I'M GOING OVER THERE RIGHT NOW!"
"Lucrecia, do you have the gravy under control?", asked Rachel. "It tasted sorta bad before when I tried to make it."
"Just needed a bit of NaCl.", said Lucrecia, putting in some salt. "And maybe a few other chemicals. . ."
"Wait, WHAT?!", said Rachel in disbelief. "What other chemicals?"
"Oh. I forgot. But it was on that recipe.", said Lucrecia, pointing to a bottle.
"Lucrecia, this isn't a recipe. These are the ingredients. And another thing, THIS IS SHAMPOO I FORGOT TO PUT AWAY!"
"Oops. And I guess it wasn't a good idea to taste it then. I think it's pretty good though."
"Let me see it." Lucrecia lifted the whisk, but the pot came with it as well.
"Uh oh. I think it's viscosity went way up too fast. And is it supposed to be green?"
"My gravy. . .", said Rachel, with a blank, yet disturbed look on her face. "MY GRAVY!" She began to tear up.
"Okay Rachel. Calm down.", said Laura.
"GRAVY! NOOOOOOOO!!"
"RACHEL!" Cloud had stormed in from the front door. "DID YOU TELL HER?!"
"Tell who?", asked Rachel, broken out of her conniption. "Tell what?"
"YOU KNOW!"
"Cloud?" Aeris poked her head in the door.
"TELL AERIS ABOUT YOU-KNOW-WHAT?!"
"Know what?", asked Aeris.
"ABOUT THE SLEEPING, AND THE SEX, AND THE TIFA!"
"Nope. I said I wouldn't tell, and I didn't.", said Rachel.
"What about sleeping, and sex, and Tifa?", asked Aeris. "Cloud? Are you hiding something?"
"Wait then.", he said, coming to his senses. "Then you don't know. . .", he said to Aeris. "And you didn't tell. . .so. . ." He looked at Rachel, with a look of relief. "I LOVE YOU!"
"GAK!" All of a sudden, she was receiving this giant hug from Cloud, and her head was squashed up against his chest. "Same. . .here. . .Cloudy. . .squee. . .", she said, being choked to death.
"Huh?" Vincent who had come with Aeris noticed something wrong. "What's wrong here?"
"Yeah, why is it so hot?", asked Lucrecia. "DEAR SWEET JESUS!" Out the window, the pie they left in the oven had set the house on fire. "ICE3!"
"And why are my eyes burning and lungs cringing?", asked Rachel.
"I think that's Cloud's deodorant.", said Aeris.
"Not gonna stop, are you?", asked Cloud.
"Uh, guys? WHY IS THE TURKEY A FLAMING BALL OF DOOM?!", screamed Vincent.
"Aw crap."
"MOVE! ICE3!", said Cloud, aiming at the oven.
"Oh luvvy. . .", said Rachel. "All the food is burned, and now, there is nothing left. TIFA IS GONNA KILL ME!"
"Well, we still have the cranberries.", said Laura, picking them up.
"YAY! CRANBERRIES!" They all charged for them.
"AAHHHHH!", screamed Laura. She dropped them and ran.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Okay guys! I'm home! Where's the turkey?", called Tifa, stepping into her house with a few bags. "Cloud?" Cloud was on the floor in the fetal position, sucking his thumb on the floor.
"No Thanksgiving and no turkey make Cloud go CRAZY!", he yelled.
"Oookaaay. . .", said Tifa. "Rachel? You guys?" The rest were slumped on the couch, looking very crazy from withdrawal.
"Soo. . .HUNGRY!", said Rachel.
"MY LIFE! IT IS FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES!", cried Laura.
"Flashing?", asked Rachel. "LET ME SEE!"
"PERV! YOU AND CLOUD ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER, I SWEAR!", said Laura.
"Don't sweat it.", said Tifa. "I knew you'd screw up."
"Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence.", said Rachel.
"No, I bought Chinese.", said Tifa. "Anyway, they were the only people open."
"Food?", asked Cloud, coming to his knees and crawling over. "For me? FOOD FOR CLOUD!?"
"Whoa! Down boy! Save that for later- uh I mean, down!", said Tifa.
"YAY! FOOD!", said Rachel, snatching out of her arms. "FOOOOOD!"