Hmm. Chapter 2. Yes I know this is taking its time. What can I say? I've lost the old motivation… Still not mine.

It's Only Natural.

I had wandered into my kitchen. With two things on my mind. Yep, you've guessed it. Chocolate and vodka. "Life always seems better after chocolate and vodka. Mmmm." I moaned stuffing my face full of chocolate and washing it down with the vodka. Ok now the kitchen walls seemed to be a little blurry, but my unhappiness was forgotten. At least, for a little while.

I heard voices coming from the other room. Wandering in and settling myself down on the comfy chair I smiled contentedly at my beloved family. I was in a great mood and nothing was going to change that. Until of course the one subject that could upset me came up. Thanks to my brother's mother-in-law.

"So what about you then?"

"What about me?" I asked smiling in her general direction.

"Well, we were just talking about how you haven't settled down yet. Are you courting at all?"

I grinned back at her, the alcohol dulling my senses.

"Oh nevermind dearie, I'm sure you'll find a nice man sooner or later, after all there is someone for everyone out there, even someone like you."

"Huh?!" I asked, her words beginning to sink into my befuddled brain.

"Don't you worry yourself about it, I'm sure someone will pop up."

"Pop up?" I queried getting more and more confused.

"You know a nice young man. For you. To settle down with." She explained smilingly.

"A nice young man?" I repeated. "To settle down with?" Then her words made sense. "I don't want a nice young man!" I cried.

"You don't want a 'nice young man'?" She repeated puzzled. "Oh dear." She said as an idea dawned upon her. "Now dear, everyone has those phases, but you'll grow out of it…" She trailed off.

"Wha? 'Phases'?" I queried looking bewildered. Then I saw the look of horror on her face and realised what she was thinking. As tempting as it was to play up to her homophobia I decided that it was far too much like hard work and could come back to haunt me later. Or indeed knowing her probably forever. "I AM NOT GOING THROUGH ANY SORT OF 'PHASES'." I answered clearly and haughtily looking down my nose at her.

"Oh thank goodness for that. I knew you weren't really like that, but you know there are rumours…" She didn't manage to finish her sentence.

"Rumours?" I commented icily. "How awful to listen to such gossip." I said, polite interest in my tone. "I'm sure you told them straight not to pass on such tales."

"Err. Well of course." She said hurriedly. "And I'm sure there's bound to be someone who would like someone like you…" Trying to change the subject back before she dug herself any deeper into the hole she had fallen into. Then she trailed off seeing the outraged look on my face.

"I don't want a 'nice young man'." I hissed, forgetting that this was my sister-in-law's mother and that I should always be nice and polite towards her and that I had been winning this conversation just moments before. I stopped for a second remembering all that had happened to me and my anger turned to tears. "I WANT MY VEBBY!"

***

After the little faux pas in the lounge I retreated upstairs to my bedroom with only my vodka and chocolate for company. Understandable considering I had just managed to annoy and insult a fair proportion of my family.

"Bollocks." I muttered as I took another swig of my bottle.

And then there was a knock on the door. "Come in." I slurred.

I watched as two identical heads appeared around the door. I blinked and the heads merged into one. "Hey there Sarah." I muttered, seeing the now singular face of my sister-in-law's sister appear around the door.

"Hi." She answered, gazing at my tear stricken face. "Are you ok?"

"No I am bloody well not okay!" I declared as she came into the room and shut the door. "I've just had your mother go on about how I don't have a man, when in reality I do have a man – well elf, and I've gone and screwed it all up. God I'm such a fool sometimes."

"Err. Elf?" Sarah asked looking at me with a slightly disturbed expression on her face.

I gazed blearily up at her. "You'd better sit down. This may take a while." Sarah sat down on the floor and took a swig of my vodka. "Right then, well you know I really like fan fiction yeah? Well I kinda started this story…"

And so in my drunken state I told Sarah of my adventures in Middle Earth.

Idiot.

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Apology to my brother's mother-in-law. She ain't that bad. Honest. Yep this is short. R&R please!