X-Man – Codename: Nightcloth
Scene 1
Wife jogging nude. Her breasts are bouncing gregariously. Black Mack Truck going like 500mph jackknifes, flips over, does a 360 and lands on aforementioned nude wife.
Wife: Jesus Lord our God and Saviour, why have you forsaken me in my hour of nude jogging?!?!
Truck: SILENCE WENCH!
Scene 2:
Random voice from above: Schwing!
Scene 3:
Mel Gibson (soon to be Nightcloth) walks arrives at scene. Sees nude wife, pops a boner, rips off shirt revealing stunning pectoral muscles glistening with sweat, oil and the blood of heathen victims Braveheart has slain on the Crusades on the way to the movie set.
Scene 4:
Random voice from above: Schwing!
Scene 5:
Mel hears nude wife's high pitched squeals.
Mel: Less whining, more cooking! Make me a cheeseburger with extra bacon! And don't bleed on it, or someone's gonna get a'hurt real bad.
Mel sees truck driver emerge from truck.
Mel: I can feel the rage building inside me.
Ray: It was meant to happen. My criminal negligence was an act of Jesus.
Mel (in deep growl): Not on my turkey sandwich.
Lightning and thunder in the background. Mel takes hidden 7 ft broadsword from back pocket, drops pants, extracts bazooka and rounds from anus. Mel charges Ray, swinging sword in wild, yet precisely calculated motions.
Ray: Holy crap!
Ray puts on tin foil helmet, or at least, what he THINKS is a tin foil helmet. Actually, it is a small Tupperware®
Ray: You will never know my secrets thoughts! I'm NOT GAY! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAW, IT'S ALL A LIE!
Mel: Then this will really suck!
Mel lops off Ray's feet, then grabs them, and puts them in his butt, shortly followed by the insertion of his 1-foot-in-diameter bazooka. Then, Arnold flies in on Harrier Jet with guitars wailing in the background.
Arnold: Hasta la vista, baby!
Arnold does a fly by, then leaves as guitars continue to wail.
Scene 6:
Random voice from above: Schwing!
Scene 7:
Mel is totally pissed off. Veins start popping out all over his body. His face is painted really sweet, like in Braveheart. Swimsuit models appear out of nowhere and start groping his genitals. Totally Sweet.
Mel: FRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Mel pulls trigger, Ray goes flying in graceful arc trailing flames from his anus. Then, in front of the moon, with amazing cinematographic effects, Ray's anus explodes, and he plummets back to earth, as if hitting an invisible spaceship.  See how we worked actual events into it? Totally Awesome.
Mel: Now, where were we ladies? Lets party.
Luau begins, Mel takes party elsewhere, leaving bloody nude cooking wife under Mack Truck. Wife looks on in awe, eyes twinkle in admiration. Then she dies. Mel is super pissed, has angry sex with all swimsuit models at Luau Orgy of Angry Love. Beauties.
Scene 8:
Random voice from above: Schwing!
Scene 9:
Mel is riding Shetland Pony through Loch Lomond in Scotland. Aliens in kilts with assault rifles teleport in, and start making weird noises. Mel is still super pissed about his wife. Man, that sucks. Mel whips off his pants again, hidden in his shoe is a tank of gas and a flamethrower.
Mel: You scumbags just don't learn. Eat combustible fluid, assmunches!
Mel begins what appears to be a flamethrower ass-whupping. However, when the flames recede, the flame-retardant kilt-wearing scumbag aliens remain untouched. Bad news. Mel, unphased, carelessly tosses flamethrower over shoulder.
Mel: I knew the Tibet Monks couldn't make weapons good. Damn them.
FLASHBACK
Mel is in Tibet, Braveheart makeup is back on, crusading with a bunch of fat, angry Russian gangsters riding giraffes. Mel is on a rhino. Bodacious. Then, a light from the sky shines on a Tibet Monastery. Mel rides to it immediately, sees Shaolin Monks. Mel assumes an asking pose, ripping shirt to reveal hard, pulsating muscles covered in sweat, oil and the blood of peace-loving natives that he slew for interrupting his movie shoot. Bloody heathens
Mel (speaking in ebonics): Wurd to your mother. Yo yo yo, bitches, check out my posse. You don't want to mess with this hizzle fashizzle. We don't front, straight up, yo.
Monks (dubbed over from Tibetean to English, but poorly synchronized): I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Would you like a flamethrower? It has been handed down for many generations, and has been used by ninjas for generations to gain real, ultimate power.
Mel: That shit is whack. I'll hit you back on the first, my brothas. Peace out.
Mel humbly accepts flamethrower, and resumes kicking heathen ass, only in a much more flammable manner. Sweet special effects.
FLASHFORWARD
Mel strikes thoughtful pose. Full orchestra playing in the background, with a massive electric guitar wailing sweetly. Focus on Mel's eye. His eye goes all red, he turns to the aliens, newly pissed off at the chintzy monks.
Mel: This one's for the block!
Mel totally flips out, wrecking the alien's shit with his sweet kungfoo. Finally, there's this one last alien, he's like the boss alien, except not like the king or anything, just really huge and ugly. Like Jaws in the Bond movies, that kind of thing. Gives him a sensual glance
Mel: Hey sweet thang, I know you think I'm hot, but that's cool, cause I'm really gay.
See how clever he is? This one totally worked in What Women Want, and that movie made like a googleplex dollars. It's bulletproof.
Big ugly alien semi-boss-type dude evaporates. Behind where the boss was is a huge stone with a big sword in it.
Mel: Excalibur! The sword of legends! Bitchin'!
Mel takes the sword out, Mel will now be referred to as King Arthur – Codename: Nightcloth. Then, out of nowhere, an old man with a cane comes out, looking wise and full of wisdom.
Old man: You now possess Excalibur, Arthur! But, to really kick alien ass, you need to find the Triforce of courage, and make the sword into the Water Excalibur.
Mel nods, then turns around and does this totally hot chick in debit. Then he has a tennis match with a George Bush cameo, during which Mel thwacks a ball right into Bush's jugular vein. Bush's head explodes, firing what appears to be brain goo everywhere, but since he has no brain, it's probably just poop. There was much rejoicing.
Scene10:
Random voice from above: Schwing!
Scene 11:
At this point in the movie, there is about three hours of Arthur striking a noble pose while paddling a red dragon boat around the globe searching for the underwater pieces of the Triforce. Out of nowhere, Ganon® materializes and starts splashing around in the water. Arthur whips out his Deku leaf and starts giving Ganon paper cuts on his penis.
Ganon: OW YOU BROKE MY ENGORGED MEMBER!
In the background, the song "She broke my dick" by the progressive punk-rock band ALL plays. The crowd starts moshing. Groovy. Mel, in accordance with his "give-papercuts-to-penis-first, ask questions later" fiscal policy, strikes his asking pose again
Arthur: Who the fuck are you? Why did I have a big leaf in my pants!?!?!?
Ganon: If you want to find the Triforce of Courage, you've got to pull a Harry Potter. Only those who have good intentions for the Triforce can find it in their anus.
Arthur reaches into his brown crusty love-hole and removes the eighth and final piece of the Triforce. He then washes it in the ocean to get rid of that weird poo stench. Bad news Arthur, poo stench doesn't come out. The Triforce is now complete. Really loud noises happen to wake up the audience who have fallen asleep over the last three hours. Then, Excalibur turns into WATER EXCALIBUR!!! Totally sweet cinematic effects ensue. Arthur beats off in the background when he thinks nobody is looking.
Scene 12:
Random voice from above, sounding as if it just woke up: GargleSchwing!
Scene 13:
Man in poor green makeup walks across screen, still holding his script. He trips over Arthur's three foot erect penis. Retarded Portugese women and children start screaming madly about nothing.
Arthur: Nobody trips on my ding-dong.
Arthur totally flips out madly, and spears him through the ear with his massive purple-helmeted viking.
Arthur: War is out, pound my trout. You can't masturbate with those crazy Alien Arms, they don't have opposable thumbs. Cream your khakis, not Iraqis. Save that for the sequel. (Winks)
Now, Arthur is really pissed at the annoying women and children. He starts spinning really fast, making a tornado of destruction, with his gargantuan bratwurst sticking out like a Roto-Rooter™©®™©®©™® Then, he hits those damn squealing heathens and they explode in a mass of blood. Then, the king Alien comes out, looking really evil and super tough.
Arthur: Knights of the Round Table! Alpha formation! ENGAGE!
Out of nowhere, a bunch of knights riding on strange tiger-hippopotami animal hybrid killing machines engage the massive king alien. However, he shoots laser beams from all six of his massive erect penisi, and those kniggits are fried madly. They scream as they die.
Arthur: What a load of pussies. Man, my grandma could fight aliens better than that.
FLASHBACK
Arthur is now Mel. Mel is a boy. His grandma is a superhero, dressed in spandex and a cape with holes in all the right places for people who swing that way. She seems senile.
Grandma: Now Melly Poo, you have to watch out for aliens at all times. They can be anywhere, doing anything or anyone.
Suddenly, she locks her gaze on a shopping cart.
Grandma: ALIEN SCUM!
She proceeds to have a fistfight with the shopping cart, eventually losing consciousness from the blood leaking from her knuckles. Then, cut scene, and an alien spaceship is speeding down her Hershey Highway. 70's Porn beats in the background.
FLASHFORWARD
Suddenly, on top of a hill, Arthur's grandma appears, in her old outfit. She is in a wheelchair.
Arthur: Way to earn your parking spot Grandma!
She kicks ass, she's got like spiky wheels and shit, that badass alien guy can't handle it, and he craps his pants. Then Arthur does a cyclone move, and totally hits the alien in the face, decapitating him. A full orchestra plays in the background, and monstrous electric guitar with mad distortion plays random notes. Totally Awesomely Bodaciously Groovily Wickedly Sweet.
Finis
Kill count: 112314124123.512 x 1023
Stay tuned for the sequel.