Apologies for no post yesterday. Had evil people interfering with my plans again. Highly inconsiderate of them. Grr. I probably won't be posting over this weekend either – so be warned! Much love going out to all my luverrly reviewers. I love you all too! Still ain't mine…

Help!

First off, I thought grimly to myself, I need a weapon. Then I attempt to get to the Palace. If I don't get there then I'll pretend I don't want to get there and I'll 'accidentally' end up conveniently right outside the entrance. Then I go in find Vebby and well… I smirked. Perhaps something involving a towel? Taking a swig of my vodka I set out towards the forest of Mirkwood.

***

"Hmmm." I said gazing down at what lay by my feet, just before the edge of the forest. "How convenient!" I said aloud sarcastically. "Just what I always wanted." I glared at the shining object that lay on the grass. "A sword! Just the right size for me!" I continued sarcasm lacing every word. "Well I wonder who could have possibly left that lying there? How very careless of them. Tut tut." I gave an evil glare up at the sky before picking up my new-found sword and heading into the forest.

I stopped after the first tree and muttered "But don't think I know what you lot are up to. I will not be lulled into believing everything is going to go right. So there."

Yet again I was greeted by silence. I sighed and continued on my journey.

***

Four minutes into Mirkwood and I was sweating profusely. Why? Simple, I was nervous. Big time nervous. Last time I was here I was almost eaten by spiders, chased by orcs and beaten up by, yes you all remember, hobbits. Not one of my proudest moments I admit. So why exactly was I nervous this time? The forest was peaceful and quiet except for the occasional sound of distant birdsong.

Now I was never one to underestimate the skills that the elves had and was under the impression that they patrolled the borders. Yet I had not seen hide nor hair of them. Or indeed anything else. My senses on high alert I attempted to move silently towards where I thought the Palace was situated.

After ten minutes the stress was getting to me. Even the bird song was making me jump.

"I don't think I can take much more of this." I muttered, "Perhaps I'm just being silly. NO!" I hissed almost silently to myself, " I will not believe that everything is well in the state of Mirkwood. I will not let my guard slip. I will not …AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!"

I jumped as a hand slapped itself down onto my shoulder. Whilst I was muttering about not letting my guard down it seemed someone had taken advantage of my distraction and crept up behind me.

I gulped and opened one eye to look at the hand on my shoulder. A particularly unpleasant looking hand. Smelly too. I gulped again. What have I managed this time? I asked myself despairingly.

***

"Oops!" Said a voice. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

I slowly turned to see a rather large and very scary looking orc behind me.

"Stay away from me!" I ordered with more confidence than I felt. I waved my sword in what I considered to be a threatening manner.

"Now, now dearie." Said the orc soothingly. "You want to be careful with that – you could have someone's eye out."

"Eye out?" I croaked bewildered. Exactly what version of Middle Earth had I ended up in this time? I wondered. I mentally shook myself and raised my sword as a warning and speaking dramatically for effect. "Get thee gone thou foul and unclean beast. Leave before I cleave your body into err lots of little bits." I finished hurriedly.

"Foul and unclean! I have never been so insulted in my…" The orc trailed off. "Words fail me! I was sent here to help you, dressed in my best – Yes my very best outfit and you insult me. I shall have nothing more to do with you." He declared, before turning away and sniffing into his pristine white handkerchief.

From where the handkerchief came from I wasn't entirely sure, but I now had an offended orc who looked like he was going to… My mind took in the look on the orc's face. Surely he wasn't going to… My mind never got the chance to finish that train of thought as the orc in front of me began to sob.

"My very first assignment and I get called all nasty things by you! How could you say I was unclean? I do try I mean its not always easy being what I am, but I've changed. Why is it so hard for you to see." He turned his tear stained face to me. "Its just you being bigoted!" He declared suddenly. "You're so narrow minded that you can't accept beings that aren't up to…"

"Now, now, there, there." I said hurriedly patting his shoulder in a conciliatory manner. "I didn't mean to upset you, I'm just a little tense you know." I said jovially trying to get him to stop crying, "Forests and stuff, bit scary! Not too sure what you're going to run into. Have to be careful…" I trailed off seeing as what I was saying wasn't helping in the slightest. "Anyway," I said casting my mind around for a change of subject. "You said you were supposed to help me?"

"Don't know why I should." Came the muffled response.

"Please?" I asked tentatively.

"Don't wanna."

"Pleeeeeaaaaase." I whined.

"Oh alright then. But just so you know, I'm doing this because I have to, not because I want to." Came the answer. "And so I don't have to hear you whine."

"Ok. That's fair enough." I commented.

"We need to go this way."

"After you." I said politely.

And so we set off deeper into Mirkwood. And I can say in all honesty that I never thought I would be whining to an orc to help me when I set out. But then again there was a lot I hadn't thought I would end up doing on this little adventure.

Idiot.

***********************

Well, bit longer. Does that make up for yesterday? R&R please!