Tolkien wrote The Hobbit at his desk, the inspiration for this chapter came when I was in the bath. Obviously something they put in the bath bubbles. It isn't mine and have a good Christmas – if you celebrate it of course!

We Wish You A Merry Christmas.

Off we set aiming to hunt down the elves. Owen for Sindy and Legolas, me for Vebby. We had walked a fair way away from Mirkwood when Owen came to an abrupt halt.

"Something wrong?" I queried.

"No, no nothing wrong." He responded, but remained standing still. Then a gleam came into his eye. If I'd noticed I would have perhaps been more wary, but as it was I was miles away in my own little world consisting of Vebby and towels.

"I was wondering…" He began, then paused. "Oh never mind it was a silly thought really…"

"Wondering about what?" I asked.

"Oh no, nothing to bother your pretty little head about." He said smiling at me in a winning way.

"Oh go on tell me."

"No, it's nothing."

"Oh please?"

"No. Nothing remotely important my dear." He said. "Shall we continue?" He asked gesturing along the path we were following.

"Only if you tell me what you were thinking." I said stubbornly, folding my arms across my chest as I did so. "I can wait all night if I have to."

Owen turned back to me a moue of distaste on his face. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Tell me."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaase?" I whined.

"No. Now can we get a move on?"

"Nope. Not until you tell me." I said childishly.

Owen sighed. "Very well, all I was going to ask if you wanted to see your former comrades." I frowned. "I believe you refer to them as the 'Sues'."

I thought for a moment. My mind made itself up in seconds. 'Sues' are inevitably good at everything. And if I want to find a missing elf in Middle Earth who could be better than the best hunters/warriors/singers/cold-blooded killers? Exactly.

"The 'Sues'?" I mused aloud as though pondering the thought. "It has been a while and would only be polite. Lead on Owen!"

If only I knew what I was letting myself in for.

***

We walked on and came to the Black Gates of Mordor quicker than I anticipated. Ten minutes walk. Obviously being a former resident Owen knew all the shortcuts I mused. If only the fellowship had been made up of orcs, Frodo's trip would have been a heck of a lot quicker. And easier to read. Then I noticed something. The Black Gates were still standing.

"Hey, I thought they destroyed those gates." I spoke my thoughts aloud.

"Oh they did." Came Owen's response. "But the 'Sues' decided to resurrect them."

"Why?" I queried. "There isn't anything really awful in there is there?" I joked.

"Oh no." He answered. "Nothing really awful."

As we walked through a hidden side entrance I noticed something rather unusual hanging above both the Black Gates and the secret side entrance. Nah, I figured. After all there isn't any mistletoe in Middle Earth is there?

***

"OH. MY. GOD."

"Indeed."

"WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THAT? AND. WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. IT. DOING. HERE?!"

"Well, from what I understand it's traditional."

"TRADITIONAL?!?!?!" I screeched turning to Owen in disbelief. "SINCE WHEN DO MIDDLE EARTH HAVE…" I turned back to what I had been looking at, "CHRISTMAS TREES?!"

"They are from your planet you know." Owen commented imperturbably. "The 'Sues'. Like I said, it's traditional."

"Not in Middle Earth dammit!" I answered still glaring at the distinctly out of place enormous Christmas tree, which had lights flashing madly at me. "And why the hell is it all decorated in pink?" I demanded of no one in particular. "pink lights, pink decorations and pink tinsel. Where the hell do you get pink tinsel from anyway? Nevermind." I said seeing Owen was about to answer me. "I really don't want to know."

Owen snapped his mouth shut. Then I heard it. From a distance. Sang very badly. And then I really was scared.

"…Gllllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrriiiiiiia, Hosanna in excelsis. Ding dong merrily on high…"

I swung back to Owen frantically. "They have Christmas carols here too?"

"Oh yes." He responded calmly. "But if you listen a little more…"

"Listen to what?" I queried. Then I heard something else. Far, far worse than the carols although they were bad enough. Yep you've guessed it.

Christmas pop songs.

Mordor is a really scary place.

***

I was desperate within the hour. I really needed to leave asap. And it was getting worse. The songs were still playing. I'd already heard the theme from The Snowman, I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day, Merry Christmas Everyone, Last Christmas, Can You Stop The Cavalry? And Do They Know It's Christmas. Then somebody put on Cliff.

"… Christmas time, Mistletoe and Wine, Children singing Christian rhyme with logs on the fire and gifts…"

Well, I'm not scrooge by any means but now I couldn't cope. "WILL SOMEBODY TURN THAT BLOODY THING OFF?!" I yelled, turning exasperatedly to Owen.

I glared when I noticed what he was wearing on his head. "Where did you get those?" I demanded pointing to his earmuffs which obviously blocked out all the awful Christmas music.

His response stunned me.

"You got those from SANTA?"

***

"OH MY GOD." I said in awe. For there sitting in a red sleigh with bells and reindeer and a very full sack of presents was none other than the one and only Santa Claus.

I approached him as one would approach something they can't believe is real. I stood and stared. My mouth was gaping. Then he turned to me and spoke.

"Ahhh Fangirl!" He declared delightedly. "I have something for you."

"Y-y-you h-h-have s-s-something for me?" I squeaked incredulously.

"Indeed. Now where did I put it?" He asked himself as he delved deeply into his sack. He smiled as he pulled out two brightly wrapped packages. He held them out for me and I reached to take them. "A-a-aaah!" He chortled as he pulled them back out of my reach. "Have you been a good girl this year fangirl?"

"O-o-of course Santa." I stuttered.

"Well here you go. Something to help you on your quest." He winked as he spoke. "Now I must be off to deliver all those Christmas presents in my sleigh."

I frowned as I gazed at my two parcels. "Santa." I said making sure that Owen couldn't overhear. "Not to be rude or anything – but what I really want for Christmas is Veborion. Preferably dressed in only a towel, or perhaps nothing, or even…" I trailed off and cleared my throat rather hurriedly when I saw the look Santa was giving me. "For perfectly innocent reasons of course." I stated.

"Of course." Santa answered pursing his lips together. "Well, I must be off. Donner, Blitzen get a move on!" He shouted to his reindeer. And then the reindeer, the sleigh, the sack full of presents and of course, Santa, took off. As you do.

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" He said as he disappeared over the top of one of the large Christmas trees that were frequently dotted around Mordor.

"Well, ok, no Vebby." I commented aloud. "But Santa did say that what I had would help me in my quest. So no problem. Probably a map. Or directions to find Vebby. Or perhaps an annulment or divorce so I can get Thingy to leave me the hell alone. Not that I'm married yet – but hey, I'm sure the divorce papers would come in handy just in case."

I sank down in the snow. Oh, didn't I mention that there was snow everywhere in Mordor? Just in time for Christmas. Bizarrely though the snow didn't leave you wet or cold. I had decided that the 'Sues' had genetically modified the snow to leave out all the unpleasant characteristics. I made myself comfortable on the snowy ground and started ripping off the paper of my presents.

"What?" I gazed at my present in stunned stupor. "Why the hell did Santa give me a piece of wood?" I asked, bewildered by my rather odd present. "Ahh well still the other one to go." I said aloud, consoling myself. Wondering what I got from Santa? Perhaps a map? Some chocolate? Vodka? Raunchy underwear to seduce Vebby with?

Nope.

Santa Claus in his wisdom decided I hadn't been a good girl after all.

All I got was a lump of coal.

Joy.

Go me.

Some Christmas present for my 'quest' my arse.

Dammit.

Idiot.

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A rather odd chapter this. Not planned. Spur of the moment. So R&R and let me know what you thought! And of course Happy Holidays!!!!!