Apologies for the delay. I have no excuse – except lack of time. In fact I'm writing this on the day I took off because I'm ill. It's not mine – it never has been. And it's not looking like anywhere near canon as written by the delightful Tolkien. I'd bow before the master – but I'd probably keel over in the attempt because of the evil illness I'm currently suffering from.

Alone.

So I was back to being on my own again.

"Humph!" I declared aloud. "As if I care. Do you think I need you lot to get ahead? Hah! There's only one of me now… So it'll be faster. So there!" I stomped off in a direction I thought would be a good idea to go.

"Hmm." I mumbled aloud as I looked out across the plains. "I don't really want to push my luck in wandering over to speak to Elrond… I did mess up his only daughter's wedding after all… Who haven't I annoyed yet?" I paused and thought for a moment. "Nope. Can't think of anyone. But I'm not risking Elrond. Just don't think it would be a good idea." I gazed across the landscape in front of me. "In that case, I think I'll go this way."

***

It only took half an hour and I was at the borders of the Shire. Stunned that it had only took me half an hour, I made the mistake of stepping into the Shire without really thinking about it.

"Halt! Who goes there?" Demanded a voice, seemingly from nowhere.

I looked around. There was nothing to hide behind in the immediate vicinity. "Marvellous!" I muttered. "I've finally lost it. Now I'm hearing voices!"

Then I found myself on my knees and glaring at me was a very pissed off looking hobbit.

"Hobbits can look pissed off!" I commented. "Who knew?"

The hobbit hit me with his miniscule pitchfork. "Silence!" He hissed, glaring venomously at me.

"Awww. Did I upset the cwute likkle hobbit's feelings?" I queried, patting him on his head. "Don't worry likkle hobbit, I didn't mean to be… err… Mean."

The hobbit looked at me as thought he couldn't believe his ears.

"Why are you counting aloud?" I asked. "Oooh, all the way to 10! You are very clever!" I declared.

The hobbit took a deep breath, and then started whacking me with his pitchfork.

***

"Note to self:" I declared in my little wooden hut with its barricaded windows. "Don't assume that just because a creature looks like it's a small child, that it IS a small child. Ouch."

The hobbit, or as I had taken to call him, Evil Hobbit No. 1, had carted me off (after beating me severely with his mini pitchfork – who knew they could inflict such damage?) and dumped me in what I could only gather to be was a holding cell for criminals.

"I am not a criminal!" I declared loudly through the barricaded windows. "I demand a fair trial to CLEAR MY NAME!!"

"You have indeed committed a crime!" Answered Evil Hobbit No. 1 "No Big People may enter the Shire!" He smirked. "That Law was written by the King!"

"Damn." I muttered as I turned away from the window. "I knew there was a reason why I didn't want Frodo – aside from the whole height problem. I'd never have got close enough to get him in the first place!"

***

I was dragged to some weird trial/tribunal effort. I was not best pleased about being dragged – but didn't get much choice in the matter. After being dropped into the dock my crimes were read out for the court.

"…insultin' an honourable hobbit, talkin' down to a hobbit, not acknowledgin' her crimes, bein' a Big Person.." Droned the Hobbit court clerk

"But that's Racist! I can't help be a Big Person any more than you can help being a Hobbit!" I cried.

"And just what's wrong with bein' a Hobbit?" Queried the clerk in the same monotone voice.

"Well I didn't mean there was something wrong with being a hobbit, but..."

"Insultin' Hobbits everywhere, claimin' there are things 'wrong' with Hobbits, not showin' proper respect for Hobbits…"

"Fuck." I said quite loudly to myself. "This is just another fine mess I've gotten myself into."

***

Having been thrown in what was the equivalent of a Hobbit gaol I sat down to have a damn good mope. After all, I was imprisoned for 'Life… And then some' By none other than Evil Hobbit No. 1's father. Lucky me.

Unfortunately moping was quite out of the question – as the lovely cell I'd been given was open to the public – i.e. for a laugh they could watch the evil Big Person who had committed the heinous crime of being patronising. I kid you not.

"Step right this way Mr Mayor." Huffed my gaoler self-importantly. "'Ere is the h'evil prisoner!"

I glared at my first visitor. Then I looked harder. "Fuck me – you're Samwise Gamgee!" I exclaimed, stunned.

"Master Gamgee is our honourable Mayor!" Declared my gaoler appalled at my lack of finesse. "You must excuse the prisoner, Mr Mayor. No manners whatsoever. Big People y'see. " He poked me in the arm with an extra long bit of wood through the bars of my cell. "Show some respect!"

Samwise Gamgee frowned as he looked at me. Then recognition came. "But you're the fangirl!"

***

Much later Sam was doing his best to comfort me in my rotten cell.

"But I don't want Thingy!" I wailed, "I want Vebby!"

"There, there dear." Sam answered looking worried as he patted my hand reassuringly. "Going back to Mirkwood would sort out all your problems you know." He paused for a moment and then said, "Mirkwood is that way."

"If you say so." I said wiping my eyes with the back of my hand, leaving dirt trails across my face. "Do you really think that's best?" Then I paused "But I'm stuck here and…" I burst into more sobs.

Sam looked rather worried. "Now, now I'm sure we can work something out. Guard!"

***

"Hehe." I cackled. "Stupid hobbits. Give 'em a wailing woman and they all fall down." I smirked. My cunning plan to get free with the least amount of fuss hadn't taken long to take effect. I was out of gaol and on my way to the border.

"I'll get my Vebby then get the heck outta this madness. Go me!"

Ahhh. To be optimistic for once.

Idiot.

***********************

Bit longer this one. Not sure when the next one will be up. R&R in your droves!