Even though the moment past me by
I still can't turn away
I saw the dreams you never thought you loose
Tossed along the way
Letter you never meant to send
Lost and thrown away
But now I called up all the things
I never knew their name
Doesn't belong to no one that's a shame
You could hide beside me
Maybe for awhile
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell them your name
The song had reminded her of her friend, Staci. They had agreed that this was probably the best Goo Goo Dolls song ever. She and Staci had been inseparable since they were children. They grew up in each others houses taking turns sleeping at each others house, one night at Stacis the next at Jamie's. They had two mothers, one stepfather, and two brothers one younger the other older. In reality Jamie had a mother, and an older brother, Staci had a mother, stepfather who in all purpose was her father, and a half brother that was younger. Their parents learned quickly to let them be as they choose. They had been the best of friends through primary, middle and most of high school. They had been through the ups and downs with each other. Staci was there for Jamie when her parents got divorced than her father died, and Jamie was there for Staci when her grandfather killed himself. Neither of them kept a secret from the other, they had their fare share of fights with a day of separation followed by one of them calling the other to see what they wanted to do that day, as if the fight had never occurred the day before.
That was until senior year of high school. Jamie had grown distant from everyone. In reality she had started in the eighth grade, but she couldn't keep distant with Staci. Finally though she cut everyone off. She didn't want to be around people anymore. She needed alone time, she needed to find out what was so wrong with her life, why she couldn't be what she wanted to be. In reality she felt like there was nothing she could do anymore to try to make things right again. To her nothing had been right since her father died. Life sucks than you die, and that was ringing all too true to her.
One night while sitting on her porch she heard Karen, Staci's mom, scream from down the street. Worried that Chase might have been hurt or something bad had happened, Jamie ran to her friends house. She didn't see anyone on the main floor so she ran up to Staci's room to find her. Jamie stopped at the top of the steps. She looked on with horror and guilt.
Staci lay on the floor, blood was all over the room puddle under Staci. Jamie ran over to kneel next to Staci to apply pressure to her wrist, which had been slit open with a knife that now lay next to her. Karen was on the phone frantically telling the emergency personal what had happened. Jamie looked at her friend and she knew she was gone. There was nothing left in her eyes, she had left. Jamie took her hands away from Staci's wrist knowing it was worthless. She wiped them on her white shirt, tears in her eyes, but she forced herself to push them back down, she had to be strong for Staci's mom, Staci would have wanted it. She heard Chase, Staci's little brother coming up the stairs to see what he commotion was. Karen stared at her daughter's dead body to shocked to react. Jamie ran to the steps and grabbed Chase taking him down to the main floor.
"What's going on Jamie? Who's blood is that?"
"Shh Chase. Why don't you go next door and visits with Betty. I'll come over to get you in a few." Jamie wanted him out of the house so he wouldn't see his sister body. She knew it would be something that stayed with him forever. Chase obliged with reluctance he knew something wasn't right.
Not sure of what to do next Jamie sat at the foot of the steps listening to Karen cry. Jamie felt guilty if she had not been so wrapped up in her own little world of pain she might have been there for Staci. "I'm sorry." She said quietly to herself, as if it were good enough. Wiping the single tear that escaped from her eyes Jamie went to the phone. She had to call Chuck to let him know what had happened. She would ask him to come home than tell him.
Jamie was brought back to the here and now when she heard Jack walking back. She put on the smile, so he would think she was happy and everything was fine, something she had become accustom to doing.
The scars a souvenirs you'll never loose
The past is never far
Did you loose yourself somewhere to there
Did you get to be a star
Don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
You grew up way to fast
Now there's nothing to believe
Reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell them your name
The song was right the past was never far and all the scars mentally and physically where souvenirs of her youth. She was still young by society standards but she felt much older. She had to grow up quickly. Her mother was never around after her father died, and when she was around she was drunk. Jamie's older brother helped raise her, and she helped him out. They had always had this weird bond. One moment they would be trying to kill each other and the next day or when no one was around again they were the best of friends. She stayed around after she turned sixteen just so she could be around him. He had saved her on more than on occasion.
She could never forget the first time she attempted suicide. Staci was still alive than, but she wasn't home she was away on vacation with her family. Something Jamie wish she could have had. But Jamie was in one of her moods and she looked at her life and just could not see how she would ever make it to her dreams, and she saw the sadness that was life. She knew no matter what she did in the end she would end up in the same spot as someone who did nothing. She had long ago gave up religion.
Religion to her was a fairy tale that was told to everyone, like Santa Claus to keep everyone in line. She had her moments where she believed in God, but than she thought about how God put her on this Earth with two bad parents and a messed up family. She was angry at God the more she learned. First of all he took her father away from her not once but twice. It started with a divorce and three months later he died. It was a double whammy hard for any four year old to take. Than there was her Uncle who was gay and by what most people would say he was in hell for his devious likings. So how could she love a God who condemned her uncle and half her family who was gay. She watched her great grandfather wither away, and later her great grandma wither away, so how could she believe in this all great man who cared for everyone? He didn't seem to care about her so fu(k him.
With this realization she looked at her wrist. It would have been easy just to slice them open both ways so she knew she would die, but she couldn't because it'd leave a bloody mess for her mother to clean up, and as much as she resented her mother she couldn't leave her a mess. The next thought was the belts she kept. She knew how to make a noose out of them and there was the bar in her closet that seemed really strong. That would work she didn't know it would take longer than expected to die. She searched her room for the right belt. When she found it she made a noose and tied one end to the bar in the closet. She choose the music to die to, she wrote the note apologizing to everyone, clearly making it so no one was to blame. She may have had a few people to blame but they would have been sad enough so she didn't need to add to that. She put her neck in the noose tightened it and than let herself fall.
When she woke up she was on the floor the bar gave in and broke. She cursed herself, she couldn't even do that right. How sad could she be unable to properly kill herself. She was looser and always would be everyone was right when they looked at her and saw the poor girl from the west side of town. She would never amount to anything nor was she able to even better herself. She sat on the floor and cried to herself for hours till she heard her mom come home from work. She wiped the tears from her eyes looked at herself in the mirror and noticed the red mark around her neck. She was not sure how she was going to hide it but it had to have an excuse otherwise her mom just might fulfill her threat to stick her in the mental institution.
When she walked downstairs her mom asked, "What did you do to your neck?"
"I was wearing my dog caller chocker and it must of given me a rash." Jamie said as if it were nothing.
"Oh. You know you look stupid trying to dress gothic. All you teenager are just stupid and ridiculous. It's not even that you like that style you just want to make a point. You are just like your father."
"How so?" Jamie asked not know much about her father.
"Never mind. Did you get the laundry done?"
"Not yet I was working on my homework for school."
"You should have got the laundry done. You are so lazy."
I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are
Come back down
And I wont' tell them your name
"I hope you like Pepsi and sausage pizza." He said handing her a cardboard pizza shape container with sausage pizza in it.
"Thanks." She said still smiling through the pain.
"No problem. Why don't you get out and stretch a little before you go off driving." He said trying to be helpful.
Jamie got out of the SUV and felt her legs tighten as her weight once again was on them. She loved long car trips, she just hated how her legs would get so tired from them. She walked around for awhile trying to get the blood circulations as she ate her pizza. When she finished she saw Jack was done and already back in the car. She got into the driver side, and Jack gave her a quick run down of all the different controls and than let her take off.
She drove back to the highway and than in the same direction, "Anywhere specific you want to stop at?"
"No just wake me when we get to the mountains." Jack said. He loved looking at the mountains or the ocean either one always reminded him that life still had something beautiful in it even if it could kill you.
Jamie turned the stereo down some so that the music wouldn't bother Jack, as he slept. She glanced over to notice him fighting off sleep. She smiled as she drove. Driving always had been freeing for her. No matter what was going on in her life if she could just take off in a car everything felt fine. She was in control of her life in the car she could go wherever she wanted and nothing but the amount of gas and the car could stop her.