They both had so much to say, but were to worried of what the other would think. Finally breaking the silence Jamie asked, "Do you like Linkin Park?"
"What is Linkin Park?"
"It's a band." Jamie laughed at Jack's question. How could he not know who Linkin Park was? They were like the best thing in music in a long time. "This is them." She said putting the CD in.
Crawling in my skin
Without a sense of confidence, confidence, confidence...
Consuming, confusing
Crawling my skin
Without a sense of confidence and i'm convinced that theres just too much pressure to take
Theres something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Jack listened to the band trying not to pass judgment on them. Jamie watched him thinking he would react like every other person his age had, they are crap he would assume automatically from the one song he heard.
"You like music a lot don't you?" Jack asked still listening to the group wondering if the song had a meaning to her.
"Yeah I love it. I can't live without it. Whatever mood I'm in music is always there to help me out. It's a way of expression. I never really took the time to learn it myself, besides the drums but I gave those up a few years ago, just couldn't make myself learn them."
I'm crawling in my skin
(Crawling in my skin)
These wounds they will not heal
(These wounds they will not heal)
Fear is how I fall
(Fear is how I fall)
Confusing, confusing what is real
Confusing what is real...
Jack listened to the lyrics and he could understand the feeling of not being able to escape or let the wounds heal from the past. He was not to found of the musical part at first, but the lyrics were very real and very emotional.
"SO?" Jamie asked waiting for the usual answer.
"Not too bad. I'm not to into the new rock-rap stuff, but they are pretty good. They have some very touching lyrics." Jack said smiling at her loving the shocked look he got from her.
"Seriously?"
"Yes." Jack said smiling as he drove down the road.
Theres something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling, I cant seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sence of confidence, and i'm confinced that theres just too much pressure to take)
I've felt his way before, so insecure...
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Discomfort endlesly as pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
Its haunting how I cant seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sence of confidence, and i'm convinced that theres just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before, so insecure...
"So what does the song mean to you?" Jack asked. After he said it he felt a little uncomfortable asking the question. He didn't want Jamie to think he was being nosy or anything like that.
She smiled at him, "What makes you think they mean anything to me?"
"Well there are how many songs on this CD?"
"It's Reanimation so there are twenty songs."
"Out of the twenty songs you turned on the very last song, and didn't just let it play through. You also said you liked to express yourself through music, your own or others it doesn't matter."
She smiled at him, "I can tell you were a cop of some sorts at some time." She said trying to change the subject. She wanted to tell him, but at the same time a part of her was hiding as it always did.
"Let's not change the subject yet." Jack said knowing what she was trying to do, he had mastered the art a long time ago.
"Fine.:" She said out of frustration of not getting away with her hiding, "The song to me is me. I know I've very insecure and I hide as much as I can behind my walls. I won't let my wounds heal. Each time one starts to scab over I scratch the scab off by remembering whatever happened and finding something to hold onto. By doing this I never lived and therefore I lost myself a long time ago. I tried to find myself last year, but it didn't work out. I guess I'm just really good a eluding myself."
Rewarding her he began to change the subject back to himself, "I was like a cop. I worked for the Counter Terrorist Unit. Pretty much I tracked down terrorist and tried to stop them before they were successful. I've done and said a lot of things because of the job I wish I could take back . But I'm going to tell you, even though I don't really listen to my own advice, let it go. You can't live in the past or with regret because soon enough your going to wake up and your going to be forty something and have nothing to show for it."
"Did you ever wake up one day and wonder where everything went? It's like you know your going in a hole, but you don't want to know cuz you're in denial. So one day the denial ends and you wake up, and your so deep in the hole you don't know how to get out?"
"I didn't wake up one day to it. It took awhile. The day my wife died the hole became so deep I thought I might never get out. I had created the circumstances for that day to occur and when it did I couldn't do anything about it. I never felt so scared or helpless in my life till that day. Than I knew I was not going to be able to make everything ok again. I was not God or even Superman. I was just a normal man who let things go so wrong. I failed everyone."
Jamie wasn't sure what to say. She could tell Jack was not a man use to failure, but from the story he had told her she did not see how he failed. "How could you of failed. You can't control everything Jack. If you could we'd both be happy with our families that were perfect, and there'd be no pain in the world. You couldn't have stopped it, call it fate or whatever you think causes stuff to happen, we don't' always have control."
Jack smiled at her, at first he set out to help her, and hope for himself to realize something to help him, and now her she was trying to help him. "You are very mature for someone your age."
"Not always. I can be the biggest smartars you ever meant sometimes. I just act mature until I get to know you then I'm like the rest." She smiled. She enjoyed talking to him, it wasn't like the shrink her mom had made her see. He didn't force any of his ideas on her nor judge her. He just told her how it was and shared right with her. If he had not been so much older, not that it mattered to her, but she knew it would to him, she would of thought about trying to hook up with him.
"Have you heard any good jokes recently?" Jack said to break the slight uneasiness that consumed the car with the true confessions and soul telling they had been doing.
"Not to many good ones. Why are all blonde jokes so short?"
"I don't know."
"So guys can remember them." She smiled at him and was rewarded with a smile from him.
"That's probably true."
They rode in silence for awhile, the only noise was the air rushing past the car and the quiet beats coming from the stereo. Jamie felt uncomfortable again wondering what he was thinking, was he thinking she was psycho or stupid or anything for that matter.
Jack was thinking about Kim and if she had ever been like Jamie. He assumed she must have gone through something like Jamie's life, maybe not as bad, but close. His thoughts were interrupted when his cell phone rang, he grabbed it out of his pocket and looked at the number on the caller ID. He didn't recognize it, but it could be anyone he knew since he was horrible with remembering numbers. "Hello?" He said driving with one hand holding the phone to his ear.
"Who's this?" A male voice came over the phone.
"Who's this?" Jack said not knowing who it was.
"Anthony. Is Jamie there?"
Jack put his hand over his phone and asked, "Who's Anthony?"
"Sh!t how'd he get your number." Jamie said suddenly panicked.
"She's asleep can I take a message?" Jack said knowing from Jamie's look Anthony was not someone she wanted to talk to.
"Put the stupid b!tch on the phone I heard her."
"How'd you get the number?"
"None of your business Jack. Put her on the damn phone now." Anthony said angrily.
Jack hung the phone up and turned it off. What had he gotten into was his first thought, but than he felt bad because he looked over and he could see the fear coming off Jamie.
"He's going to kill me know. He's goanna think we are together. I'm dead." She said holding back tears.
"Who is he?" Jack asked knowing he was now apart of whatever was happening and he needed to get as much information as he possibly could.
"He's this guy I've been with for awhile. His fathers rich. They . . " She was so scared she felt horrible now too, because she just realized she brought Jack into it too. "His father is the leader of the Aryan Nation. I didn't know about it till I meant him. Anthony was not like he was when we first meant. They are going to track me down and kill me now."